It sounds like your ex has had enough with your daughter, and that's why she called the police. I work for CPS, and many parents do call the police, it's pretty much in desperation, they want help. I'm not saying your daughter is difficult, but their relationship seems strained.
Group homes are no pick nick, and they pick up all kinds of new behaviors. Try to get the option of her moving in with you, that's always put on the table first with stipulations.
Good luck
OD can be difficult. But things only get crazy and out of control around Mom. No problems and straight A's at school, chosen by her counselors as the outstanding camper in her cabin at summer camp, never heard complaints from Girl Scout Leaders, other parents, Gramma and Grandpa, etc...
As I said, I would have no problem with her living with me full-time. I have as close to 50/50 custody as I can get given that I work 50+ hours a week and Ex is "disabled" and doesn't work at all. My MIL was also upset about the threat that OD would end up in a Home, saying that she would even take her before that would happen.
I think my Ex called the police to scare her. I truly don't think she realized that CPS would be required to get involved.
Wow, nice, what working said is kind of scary. If you haven't already, you may have to start laying ex's behavior out in the open for everyone to see. It will give some background to what OD is saying. You believe OD because of your experience with your ex -- but (and I hope not) CPS may assume that OD is just being a troublemaker.
And I agree with you -- what your ex said to your OD was a horrible thing to say to her own daughter. She shouldn't have to make a choice between getting abused -- even emotionally -- by her mom and getting abused or raped in a group home. Horrible!
Have done a lot of thinking today - plan to put some things on paper later. Hard to separate Divorce issues from current custody issues. Also can't type as fast as my brain thinks.
I can think of at least two other times my Ex has laid a hand on OD. When we were separated, I still remember getting a phone call from her saying she "had to pull the van over and pop her in the mouth." I remember the words clearly because I was thinking "you never HAVE to POP someone in the mouth..."
Then the swat on the leg with the spoon.
Also - Ex actually punched me in the face once during a Divorce argument a couple of years ago. But like many men would do, I let it go, but threatened to call the police if she ever did it again.
I remember now that OD once admitted to lying about Mom calling her a Tramp one night. That's the only confirmed/admitted lie on her part than I can speak to.
One thing that truly makes me believe OD - she said when Mom smacked her she also said "Don't F u c k with me." Sadly - that totally sounds like something my Ex would say.
12 year olds can be trouble. Mine is almost 13 and she likes to push buttons and push her limits. She also likes to mope around and pretend she hates everything.
A couple months ago, while eating dinner, I was trying to talk with her about our situation. She and I have always butted heads but it was boiling to the top. She stopped eating, looked at me, and said, "I'm eating, do you mind?"
Yea. She got popped. Hitting is not my "go to" in parenting. I apologized after things had calmed down and she hasn't pushed her limits since. We are in mother/daughter therapy and she is in therapy for her own issues regarding her father...but I don't regret popping her. It got her attention. She has never been one to put in time out (when she was younger) or take things away. It would change nothing. She wouldn't care. She'd sit in time out, singing and saying, "This is where I wanted to be anyway." ugh...I usually take the higher ground and try to talk with her, but I had had it that day.
I don't spank my kids. I have never had the need to. They are pretty well behaved. My mom slapped me ONCE as a child (I was 16) and god, did I ever deserve that.
What was the reasoning for your ex to hit your daughter? What other techniques do you two have in place for discipline? Does anything work? As a teacher, i am around children all the time. A lot of my kids are ED (emotionally disturbed) so I know how to control myself. But some kids, man...I have had to distance myself a few times because no kid is worth losing my job.
There's a weird shift in parenting that basically lets the child be the one in control these days. Not everything is up for discussion, nor is everything fair or 'just'. Sometimes kids have to learn their place.
I'm probably the minority in this, but unless I knew the whole story of what happened between your ex and OD, I don't know if I'm for or against it.
12 year olds can be trouble. Mine is almost 13 and she likes to push buttons and push her limits. She also likes to mope around and pretend she hates everything.
A couple months ago, while eating dinner, I was trying to talk with her about our situation. She and I have always butted heads but it was boiling to the top. She stopped eating, looked at me, and said, "I'm eating, do you mind?"
Yea. She got popped. Hitting is not my "go to" in parenting. I apologized after things had calmed down and she hasn't pushed her limits since. We are in mother/daughter therapy and she is in therapy for her own issues regarding her father...but I don't regret popping her. It got her attention. She has never been one to put in time out (when she was younger) or take things away. It would change nothing. She wouldn't care. She'd sit in time out, singing and saying, "This is where I wanted to be anyway." ugh...I usually take the higher ground and try to talk with her, but I had had it that day.
I don't spank my kids. I have never had the need to. They are pretty well behaved. My mom slapped me ONCE as a child (I was 16) and god, did I ever deserve that.
What was the reasoning for your ex to hit your daughter? What other techniques do you two have in place for discipline? Does anything work? As a teacher, i am around children all the time. A lot of my kids are ED (emotionally disturbed) so I know how to control myself. But some kids, man...I have had to distance myself a few times because no kid is worth losing my job.
There's a weird shift in parenting that basically lets the child be the one in control these days. Not everything is up for discussion, nor is everything fair or 'just'. Sometimes kids have to learn their place.
I'm probably the minority in this, but unless I knew the whole story of what happened between your ex and OD, I don't know if I'm for or against it.
Everything here is very deep...
Ex became friends with J during our divorce. J is also somehow disabled. He curses constantly, chain smokes, and generally has no business being around kids.
At one point during family therapy, Ex promised J would no longer be around. She kept her promise for a month.
J was at the house that day - there was no milk in the fridge - OD got upset about J, no food (likely an exaggeration), and Mom not spending time with them (a common theme for three years now).
Big argument - it died down. Ex went to her room. OD still upset. While YD was walking the dog, OD claims she calmly told Mom it hurt her feelings that they never did things together and that J was there so often.
Ex calmly went into kitchen - and when passing back through slapped / face palmed D in the middle of her face and said "don't F with me." D asked her why she did that, Ex said "I don't know what you're talking about." and went back to her room.
The "don't f with me" and "I don't know what your talking about" both sound incredibly familiar to ME from the last two years of marriage hell. Really - its like hearing catch phrases from a character in a movie that I lived through repeated by someone else.
Ex and I had been taking things away (iPod, phone, etc) and it seemed to be working.
If the story is true, I see this fitting more into a pattern of emotional abuse.
Oh, that is just bully/passive-aggressive behavior. Out of line. Then to pretend it didn't happen? Holy wow.
However, do you believe your OD was "calm" when approaching your ex? Not that this EXCUSES that at all.
It's emotional and physical abuse.
Our OD never had anything to really take away. No TV, nothing she really was attached to. However, her dad sent her an ipad so now we have something.
It is possible that OD was calm - yes. I have seen her do this before. Throw a tantrum - take her punishment - and then come back later and try to talk calmly. Just like anyone else who believes they are right about something - she will keep at it and also change her approach.
And I know that my Ex is capable of hitting or smacking. And if you were ever on the infidelity threads here - you may recognize some gas lighting ("I don't know what you're talking about") - something the Ex did to me for two+ years.
As I talked through this with OD tonight - her recounting of what my Ex said and the words she used has made this much more believable to me.
BUT - what do you do about it? I don't think my OD is in any real physical danger - especially now that my Ex has put herself under the microscope.
My mom was somewhat like that. She'd say HORRIBLE things to me and then when I would say how much that hurt my feelings, she'd say, "Oh you're too sensitive, get over it."
Can't talk to her now about those things because she "doesn't remember" or I'm "just making stuff up to sound interesting" Ok, lady.
Raising kids is hard...especially if you were raised in turmoil (like my mom was). You tend to repeat the pattern if you don't address it.
My Inlaws are great people - and my Ex has no history of abuse.
After she became sick though - she got very mad at the world. Felt like she got a raw deal.
It's hard for me to separate Divorce issues from what is happening now too.
It's still possible that my OD is lying.
I'm nervous about CPS becoming involved - but I'm also hopeful that it will help. I don't know what the real answer is. I just hope these people are better than some other government run organizations...
Yea, you don't really want to be under their watch.
Was your daughter assigned a social worker? Many of my students have them for CPS issues.
This all happened late Friday afternoon. I have a case number from the PD. The Officer said we may hear from them as soon as Monday.
From what I found on the Internet, they will first want to talk to both children to make sure they aren't in immediate physical harm - and I don't think they are.
Then they will talk to my Ex, as she was the one accused of the abuse. And then they will talk to others - like myself and MIL.
From what I'm reading - since she did not leave a mark, it would not be considered abuse in most states.
I just hope they will help us address some of the broader issues here. And hope that they recognize the potential emotional abuse even if the physical is dismissed.
Ex has made no attempt to call and talk to me, MIL, or the kids since the girls left to go with Gramma yesterday afternoon.
Hm. It's hard to prove emotional abuse. I mean, where do they (the department) draw the line? Some children can be more sensitive than others, but is it abuse?
Not saying what your child endured was NOT emotional abuse, but...as much as we'd like to sometimes, we cannot go around telling people how to raise their kids (inregards to what we say and the choices we make). My child may say she feels emotionally abused because I don't let her go to parties with boys, that I have taken away her phone, that I make her do hard labor when she's a smart ass...ya know?
But maybe this will be the wakeup your ex needs to calm the eff down. "don't eff with me" is a threat. What is she planning on doing if she thinks your OD is "effin' with her"? That's lame...and that IS emotional abuse. but it's all words....OD's against Ex's.
This J guy sounds like he should be eliminated from the home. Can't you, as the father, file something about this? I wouldn't want some guy around my girls. God no.
Hm. It's hard to prove emotional abuse. I mean, where do they (the department) draw the line? Some children can be more sensitive than others, but is it abuse?
Not saying what your child endured was NOT emotional abuse, but...as much as we'd like to sometimes, we cannot go around telling people how to raise their kids (inregards to what we say and the choices we make). My child may say she feels emotionally abused because I don't let her go to parties with boys, that I have taken away her phone, that I make her do hard labor when she's a smart ass...ya know?
But maybe this will be the wakeup your ex needs to calm the eff down. "don't eff with me" is a threat. What is she planning on doing if she thinks your OD is "effin' with her"? That's lame...and that IS emotional abuse. but it's all words....OD's against Ex's.
This J guy sounds like he should be eliminated from the home. Can't you, as the father, file something about this? I wouldn't want some guy around my girls. God no.
I'm hoping at a minimum we can all agree that this Bozo should not be around the kids. I'm not sure what my rights are really. He's supposedly just a "friend" - and he doesn't sleepover or anything.
YD doesn't actually mind him. But she doesn't like to rock the boat much - she wants to be the peacekeeper. All the fighting between Mom and OD really bothers her.
Emotional abuse - kind of reminds me of EAs. You know its wrong and can feel it when it's affecting you - but it can be hard for an outsider to recognize.
22Likes
Ok, lady.
