Houstondad

Hello everyone. I have been officially divorced for about 3 weeks, but it's been about 9 months since I told her I was finished with the marriage. It's a long story that I don't mean to bore some of you with, but what sent the marriage in a tailspin was her infidelity. She lied for months that nothing was happening. The OM stayed with us for a week during his "business" trip and when I had a mental breakdown after he left, my ex suggested I get help and medication because it was all in my head. And it was pretty bad that it lasted another 7 months when I ultimately made the discovery one month later.

She went to MC with me but told the counselor her heart wasn't into repairing the marriage.
She left me and the kids last summer when the affair finally died under the "promise" that she would be back in a month after "healing". Turns out she decided to date others up there and now calls Minneapolis her new home. She immediately moved in with a new BF who is also divorced with 2 kids.
My anger and disappointment in her has subsided somewhat when it comes to her cheating on me and latching on to that long-distance affair for another 7 months all the while blaming me for the terrible marriage (which was news to me and everyone else). But sometimes that anger pops up from time to time. Like now. I try to tell myself that she will never change nor apologize or ask for forgiveness and that I need to let it go...for good.
Another part I haven't let go is her leaving the kids. They miss their mom so much. They're only 6 & 11. The kids' counselors tried talking my EX into moving back here where she has family and support and that the kids are better off with her being close. But she refused. How in the hell do I forgive her for such a selfish thing? She never has said she is sorry for the pain she has caused to me, the kids, and even her brother and father who struggle with this too. It disappoints me so much seeing my kids suffer because of her choices. I don't want to live with this anger and disappointment inside me about leaving the kids. I know it's unhealthy. Does anyone have suggestions or tips?

lamaga

Ugh. Well, I don't want to call the mother of your children a bad name, but you are so well rid of that...person.

Anger? I dunno. I still can occasionally get angry at the ex if I let myself, but I didn't have children with him, so I know your situation is both more raw and more serious.

I do know that carrying anger around for very long will eat away at you, and it won't hurt her a bit. So I'd recommend talking about it. Talk about it to us, to your pals, to your family, to HER, express it -- calmly but openly -- as often as possible. And I think one day you may just be tired of it.

It worked for me.

And as always, wishing you the best!

that_girl

The fact that she abandoned her children speaks VOLUMES. She simply didn't want her life with you and your children.

Sickening...My heart breaks for your kids. It's one thing for a dad to pick up and leave..but when a mom does it, she's damaged in the head.

Paradise

I think I understand what you are wanting to say here but it is just as bad for a dad to pick up and leave as well.

Bobby5000

In terms of the marriage, she is a self-centered woman and there is no need to continue discussion about the dissolution. In terms of being a mother, you should encourage her to continue that relationship for the children's sake, and make suggestions about her visiting and seeing the children.

that_girl

Oh I agree...but mothers are usually more connected to their children-- you know, for survival, so it seems a mother that would leave her own children has some mental issues. not saying a dad that leaves is off the hook...my absent father left me with a ton of issues to clean up, but had it been my mom who left-- Wow. Just no.

bandit.45

Houstondad,

When I was six my mom left my dad, my sister and I for another man. Well, not a man really... a lowdown piece of sh*t outlaw biker.

I never saw her again. I'm 44 now and do not know if she is alive or dead. My dad worked a 60 hour a week job and had no timne to be a single parent, but through careful planning and with help from family, he managed to keep us all together and he became both father and mother to us. It was hard on him. he had no social life, never dated any other women, and lived the rest of his life a divorced bachelor.

But all those things magnified my admiration for my dad and what he went through to give my sister and I a good home.

My dad passed away around ten years ago, but I still hold him up as the benchmark by which I measure my life. I think your children are going to look up to you the same way. Do your best to live and honorable and honest life. Your children will honor you for it.

I do not miss my mother. For a long time I hated her, but I had to eventually let that go. More than anything I feel sorry for her. She missed out on so much.

As wicked as I think your wife is, I also feel alot of pity for her. She really does not understand what she has thrown away. I too think she has mental problems.... but that is not your problem anymore.

Concentrate on your kids, and quit being hung up on why your wife shows no remorse. Let her go.

Nsweet

Listen very carefully to what I'm about to tell you because it will save you a lot of grief and get her to stop blaming you for her misery.

You need to agree with her 100% and act "as if" you're fine with her decision. Every time you try to guilt trip her or argue with her decision, she'll only see you're well meant efforts as an attack on her pride and disrespect towards her feelings. It should come as no surprise she has been looking forwards to divorce and the freedom from facing her responsibilities. Although, she can't escape the inevitable roller coaster ride which may be magnified when her new affair doesn't make her happy.

The only thing you can do at this point is time is apologize for trying to change her mind and let her know you accepted her decision with no hurt feelings. Again you're acting "as if" to keep from using any emotionally abusive defense that will give her ammo to use against you. You may not feel apologizing is the right thing to do, but it's an important step to get her to stop beating you and seeing you as the bad guy. Then leave her completely alone, go dark, and ignore her for a good long while. If you've freaked out on her recently, give her 2-3 months before you do anything.

Now that's been said I have to point out the reality in her affair. For starters there is going to be a renewed sense of the honeymoon phase now that you're divorced, so the clock on their affair is reset. In all likely-hood you're not going to hear from her very often except for some infrequent crumbs of attention and ploys to test you. This is why ignoring her and very infrequent contact works best. Under no circumstances should you enable her to get the attention she wants from you. She needs to get all her needs met by the OM and live in the hole she dug herself.

Unbeknownst to her, she's chasing after a "perfect man" that does not exist and will not keep her happy for long. I mean she left you and the kids for nothing but one kissass charade after another. The moment she felt vulnerable and went looking for happiness outside the marriage, one loser stepped in and blew smoke up her ass comforting her "poor me's" and telling her he could do better than you. This new affair is nothing but an extended chase after the high she felt from the first affair, but even that won't last long. Statistically an affair lasts 2-4 years, but it's highly unlikely she will marry any time soon.

From what I saw in my wife's EA and after divorce, the OM may talk a big game about marriage but he's not going to do a thing about it. What man wants a woman who's already cheated on one marriage? Not to mention he probably won't be too quick to jump into a marriage after experiencing divorce.... probably without taking the necessary time to heal. If she's qualifying this man based on what little she knows and telling him how he's the best thing to eve happen to her, then she will be in for a big surprise when that honeymoon wears off and she's he can't deliver on all those promises. Promises that no man can keep, such as a stress free relationship and trust. LOL, lotta trust issues they have being cheaters.

It's possible you'll hear from her again when she's vulnerable and the OM isn't what he told her, or as she put it "not treating me right". Be prepared for her manipulation tactics and false tears to get you under her control. You can treat her with kindness but under no circumstances are you to quickly forgive her and rug sweep. She betrayed you and the kids and cannot be allowed into your world with open arms for nothing. She's going to have to start from the bottom and really work to earn your respect and your kids respect should she ever decide to come crawling back.

The only advice I can give you to help you heal is to see her for the immature quitter she is and forgive her to save yourself from the toxic effects of anger. Take however long you need to deal with this in your own time and just enjoy time with your kids. They're going to suffer more from this and require a lot of help to keep from developing dangerous abandonment issues that will hurt future relationships. I recommend reading up on this so you can better talk to your kids in the future. It's only natural that they feel hurt by their mother's decision and distrust relationships, but it doesn't have to be so.

Take care, and good luck!

Jellybeans

I am sorry. You may never get the closure/apology that you so want from her, or even understanidng.

In time though, you will feel better.

solitudeseeker

I agree with Jellybeans. We all desire closure and an end to our confusion, but there are some things in life that can never be neatly wrapped up with a bow and set on the shelf.

I struggle with the same thing, bewildered at the actions of my STBXH and the pain he has caused me and our daughter. I want him to tell me understands he has hurt us and is sorry for it, but I know now that I won't ever get that from him. That takes more courage and self-awareness than he possesses.

When I meditate, I visualize myself closing a door between him and me. Slamming it in his face if I am angry! Letting go is a slow process, but I believe that time will help. Concentrate on being the best parent you can be and try not to dwell on your ex and her motivations. She is not worthy of any more of your attention. Some things will always be a mystery.

Hopefloats726

Dear Houston Dad,
I would first like to say that in July 2011 I also went through a divorce due to infiidelity. I was not on this chat forum at that time. I actually just joined today. How are you doing these days? I would like to say that there are several emotions people experience after a divorce or intimate relationship breakup. Anger is one of those emotions. No individual is the same so it takes different amounts of times for each individual to process the emotions and begin the healing process. I hope your children are adjusting well. You sound like a great Dad. Hope you are feeling better these days. /Warm Regards!

Hopefloats726

Hi Houston Dad,
I just sent you an reply. I am new to site and just noticed you joined in July 2011 but put this post up in July 2012. Hopefully I will figure this site out soon. It will take some time for you to process through your emotions. Remember you have support here if you need to talk.

Houstondad

Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom. My brother in law( my EXs brother) has especially struggled with this. They used to be extremely close, but not anymore. She tells him he doesn't understand the circumstances of the divorce. She tells him his perspective is flawed and that I control his emotions. Crazy. His issue is that he wants her to see the true reality of what she has caused. To take responsibility for her actions and the bridges she has burned. And since she feels she has done nothing wrong, it frustrates him even more.
I do need to clarify that she did keep in contact with the children a few times a week via video chat and the occasional weekend visit every few months. Not defending her (because that still sucks as being a parent), but just wanted to clarify that. Once I filed for divorce, she started arguing that she wanted the kids. Fortunately, they are with me the majority of the time with the exception of the summer which has been hard for me.
Speaking of difficult:
I just learned that my EXs BF has been grabbing my son by the shirt and pulling him to his room when he misbehaves (and tossed him in there one time). Not the same as beating or spanking him, but I told my EX I felt it was inappropriate for him to do this and only she and I should do this.

keko

Tell your son to call 911 next time that happens.

Hopefloats726

Hi HustonDad,
It really sounds like everyone is focusing on the EX and wanting her see the reality of what she did. Did she do the correct thing in the past? Why would she change now? Sound like her reality is focused revolves around her.

The focus should be on the children. If you suspect any abuse, which tossing a child in a room is of great concern to me. The national hotline for child abuse is 1-800-4-CHILD or 1-800-422-4453. You can also google the state and local for the state child abuse in in the state she lives. Remember there is also verbal abuse that can hurt children also. Educate your children with a saftey plan, how to call 911 etc. If they stay with Mom and boyfriend in different state it will be difficult for them to have any neighbors they know to run to for help.

You stated in your first message you had a mental breakdown and the om stayed with you for a week. What did your mental breakdown look like? How are you?

Please focus on taking care of yourself and your children. I know you are emotionally hurting and it is difficult.
Focus on doing fun things with the children and fun things for you. Focus on the childrens needs and your needs, thats what matters the most. You are adjusting to a new environment without your EX, adjust by having fun, parks, reading books to them before bed. Ask the children what they would like to do for a fun day. Maybe have one fun day a week. Ice cream and parks and zoos are always fun. I assure you when your children are older they will thank you for being there for them. They need you and you need them. You and the children have each other. Laughter is great therapy, find ways to laugh with you children.