Co-parenting

dingerdad · 07-18-2012, 03:10 PM

My ex and I are going to have shared custody of my 4yr old boy and 6yr old girl who is in school. Looking for potential schedules and advice from other people in this position. I am a BH and ex is still dating OM who live in another town. Ex will be moving into a place of her own in our town.

2xloser · 07-19-2012, 03:35 PM

I don't think anyone can say what is best because it depends on your combined schedules and availability.

For me, (not D yet) with my work and travel schedule vs. hers (part time flexible work), I had to bite the bullet and admit my 7 yr old son is better off primarily with her Mon-Fri, in school and activities locally.So I moved 20 minutes away to an apartment while she stays in the house (at a much heavier cost to me than if they moved into an apartment - because that is what is best for the child). So I get weekends (rights to have him every weekend, commitment to 3 of every 4), and I go there to visit/see him on Wednesday evenings so that it's not a 5-day lag between days I see him.

However this is all brand new, just moved last week so I'll be happy to let you know how it goes...

UpnDown · 07-19-2012, 11:12 PM

There are a few different ways.

1 week rotations with weeks switching in Fridays (parent who has them for the week drops them off at daycare, new parent picks them up at days end) with a mid week visitation on let's say Tuesday. Could be for a few hours or an overnight.

Could do the same rotation but such on Sundays and have Wednesday as the visitation.

There is 2-2-3. Example:

Mon, Tue = Mom
Wed, Thur = Dad
Fri, Sat, Sun = Mom

Then

Mon, Tue = Dad
Wed, Thur = Mom
Fri, Sat, Sun = Dad

We were doing 1 week rotation with Sundays for a few months but now that I'm back at work I do a 2 week rotation were I work until midnight.

So the kids stay with mom while I'm working late and I get them when I'm on days.

I had suggested we switch the kids on the weekend between the two week block but she didn't want to.. Too much 'travel'.

Then again this is her first week with them and her second is coming up so maybe she will change her mind.
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that_girl · 07-19-2012, 11:33 PM

I did it for 9 years with my ex. We have one daughter and co-parented her from ages 2 to 11...then he decided to move out of state...blah blah.

Anyhoo, for 9 years we were VERY consistent with her schedule and it was a fair schedule. Granted, we only lived 4 miles from each other so she went to school but we were both in the area to pick her up, etc.

M, W,TH and saturday night through M were mine.

T, F and all day Saturday were his.

I liked it because we saw her every day, whether morning before school or after. She was very relaxed with the schedule and the consistency helped her.

Sometimes, in emergencies or if we had special plans, we'd switch a night, but that wasn't often.

We also met once a month (or on the phone) to talk about discipline issues....we tried to discipline the same at each other's houses. And punishments given at one house were carried out in the other house as well. So if she was grounded from video games at Dad's on Tuesday for a week, then I would respect that as well and visa versa.

She had chores at our houses and friends. We threw birthday parties together for her, and celebrated school awards together (and went to every teacher conference together), but holidays were with our own families. I had Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter (he's not really into family or religion and my family is BIG on those holidays) and he had Halloween, 4th of July and all the Equinoxes/Soltices (his faith).

It worked very well for us. I got married and our nights stayed the same until he decided to give up the rat race, pursue his music, lose his apartment and move 2 states away with his mom. Our daughter decided before that (almost 2 years ago) to live with me full time and we respected that.

Good luck,however you decide to do it. Consistency and stability are key.

Also, he and I had a strict agreement that when she was at our homes, we would not have "friends" over. I dated when she was with him and he dated when she was with me. She never saw random guys/ladies at our home. We just didn't think it was appropriate. Her dad had a gf once for a while and wanted to introduce her, and I agreed, after I met the woman. I had a bf for a while and he met my guy first. Everything we did was for our child...and I think it has paid off.

Sick days were also split. We'd take turns taking off work to stay home with her. We brought her into this world together, so we wanted to raise her together, even though we were not together.

that_girl · 07-19-2012, 11:43 PM

The first year we were apart, we did do Christmas together. She was just 3 that year and he wanted to experience her seeing the gifts from Santa in the morning. He slept on my couch downstairs and we put our differences aside. I don't knwo why you and your wife are splitting, but my ex and I started out knocked up

We tried to make it work, didn't know each other at all and it just blew up on us 2 years later. We were able to just be in the same room and enjoy HER...but didn't dare scratch the surface of "us". Ya know? It's tough at first, but soon, the 'weird' becomes the 'norm'. Good luck.

dingerdad · 07-20-2012, 12:26 AM

Check out dday 3 on the coping with infidelity forum and you'll see why we are splitting. Co-parenting is going to be very hard but I really want to do what's best for the kids.

WomanScorned · 07-20-2012, 08:19 AM

I have two kids, and our schedule is: He picks up the kids Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays and has them on Monday and Wednesday for the afternoon. Kids sleep at my house Sunday-Thursday. Kids with Dad Friday and Saturday, I pick them up Sunday morning.