Why am I still bothered by this?!?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » Why am I still bothered by this?!?

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 08-24-2012, 07:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why am I still bothered by this?!?

I don't understand how I am still as bothered by this as I am. I made the huge mistake of looking at my ex h's FB this morning and he has posted a pic of he and his new girlfriend (affair partner) holding hands. The pic is just of their hands are entwined together. You wouldn't think it would bother me at this point but it does. They have been together for 8 months and we have been divorced for one.

How long will this actually continue to bother me? A year or two from now if they are still together am I going to be just as upset at the sight of them?

I guess it just makes me ill that he could move on so quickly after a 14 year union like it meant nothing to him. It really does break my heart to know that I meant so little.
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:01 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

You are still bothered because it hasn't been that long. You will be bothered by it for a while. I would also suggest NOT looking at the ex's Facebook page. There's nothing productive in that.

I'm 18 months out from separation, 14 months post-divorce and I had a melt down yesterday over seeing ex's affair partner's new signature. Apparently the ex married her, so now when she picks up my kid from daycare I get to see her new last name, which used to be mine. That was fun. I don't know how long it goes on for. I'm hoping time cures the pain. The pain has gotten better as it's no longer debilitating like it was at first. But it still hurts way more than I would like.
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

I have a feeling that this will end for me the same way - with her changing her last name. It's just amazing how they can walk away like none of it mattered at all. It is extremely painful.

Mine has changed completely to fit the image of his new g/f. He is dripped in jewelry just like her. Hair grown out. Silly hats. I am left wondering if this is who he really is/was or if the man I was with for 14 years was the real person. It leaves the question was my whole marriage and relationship just one big sham?

I'm hoping time takes away some of the restlessness I feel. I'm not sure the pain will ever go away completely.
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

Sorry to hear you are feeling down.

Block him from your Facebook. Do not look at his page. It is going to make you feel worse each time you do.

Time...and no contact are the only way to heal a broken heart.
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

my first thought is why haven't you blocked him yet?
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

Jelly and Almost - I know I know. I did block him and only recently unblocked him so he could see photos I am posting of my daughter on her FB page. I immediately went back in and blocked him AGAIN for the final and last time today. It's just too hard for me not to look and I am just setting myself up for more hurt and pain.

Some days I do really good but others I can't stop obsessing over the two of them. It's royally unhealthy for me - I know.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

I see you're in the 'torture thyself' phase.This is an ugly time but it WILL pass as soon as you kick yourself in the pants and make it stop.
I understand that feeling of needing to see what he's doing and what's going on,I can't explain the feeling but I know it well.It's going to be really tough at first to stop looking,stop wanting to inquire about him but the longer you do it the easier it will get.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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It's pathetic but I honestly thought the process of divorce would have kicked him in the ass and he would wake up and realize what he was losing. That didn't happen so I am going to have to stop thinking of the two of them as being in an affair - and accept that they are in a relationship. It's a very strange feeling. I guess when he told me that he had been miserable for years and didn't love me he was being honest - and I just need to swallow that jagged little pill and move on.

I'm trying to focus less on him and more on what I contributed to the failure of the marriage. And hopefully be able to create a loving and lasting relationship with someone else in the future.
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Old 08-24-2012, 12:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm in your boat. I'm 7 months into separation (I have to wait a year for a divorce here) and have FB slips via friends sometimes. It also kills me to see these stupid FB updates. I know about the whole new gf thing is ridiculous, since to me it doesn't seem legit. To just be replaced and given some bull**** excuse of I didn't love you... Then divorce, take a time out, reflect, grieve and finally move on. Don't just move on. Don't worry though, they'll be out of their honeymoon stage in like 4-5 months and hopefully get less insensitive..... It should bother you, rightfully so. I keep reading that an average time it takes to heal from a divorce is about 2 years. If that's the case then you're about a third of a way there. No wonder it hurts. God, some people have no consideration or respect for other people's feelings. After all these years, at least he could hold his horses and not rub it in, huh?
I just think that eventually he'll repeat the same pattern again. HOw could he not? He never took time to reflect. He's probably just recreating the beginnings of your relationship right now, doing what he knows.. That simply means that the problems from your relationship will jump right into theirs and carry on under a disguise of a different scenario. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sucks, doesn't it? Good luck, stay tough
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Old 08-24-2012, 12:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

Btw, why do you have to stop seeing it as an affair? It was, and it's still the same relationship built on lies and betrayal, so no, you don't have to think of it as a legit relationship. What he did was not ok, so don't give them credit they don't deserve.As far as you're concerned it was/is an affair relationship.
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It's absolute hell. I honestly think the sweetest revenge would be for both my ex h and the OW to feel the hurt and pain that I have felt. That is honestly all I want for the two of them. Maybe then they will learn to be less selfish.

In the meantime I guess I need to practice the art of living well. I am financially strong. And I know that in time I am a good catch if I want to go into a new relationship. But it doesn't make the pain any less.

The hard part is that we have a 12 year old which makes NC difficult at times. But I have been pretty sturdy as of late in changing or redirecting the topic it's off course. I really don't want him to get the impression that we are "friends" because that will likely never happen.
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Old 08-24-2012, 06:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Nope. He doesn't deserve friendship. You don't betray, lie, deceive and abandon a friend. He needs consequences for his actions. I really hate cheaters...
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

Greetings Unsure:

I feel your pain, am going through similar feelings when I see the XH with his new "relationship". In my case, however, his new gal is like, 20 years his senior, so I have come to realize he needs (and needed) a Mother, not a wife. That may be true of many ex-spouses: they jump into a new relationship because they know they cannot live independently, and they cannot stand being alone. They are looking for someone to replace all the things that you did for them as a spouse.
This may not help the hurt. However, it is never wise to go with the rebound relationship. I do not know if you have looked at statistics: for first marriages 1 in 2 will fail; for second marriages after divorce the statistics are way bleaker (sorry, but I don't have the report where I found these earlier). This is probably because the remarriages occur before the partners had time to process what went wrong in their first marriages!
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why am I still bothered by this?!?

I am going through the same torture.My wife left me May 1,she wanted to work on things with herself and be on her own as she's never been on her own before,we were suppose to work on things that way and not get a divorce,thats what she said,then in June when I was putting a huge effort to win her back she started to treat me like a stranger,then in mid July I pryed it out of her she's seeing someone since early June.She pressed me to get the divorce done and it was granted in one week.It was uncontested.I have been with her for 11 years and she was best friends and a mother to my daughter from another relationship.

Then she started posting all these pictures with the new guy all over facebook.even though she blocked me, my daughter and i can see it through my daughters facebook.It is really hurting my daughter.The ex is even calling the new guy cute names she used to call me in the photos.This hurts soooo bad as its only been May 1 when she moved out.
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Old 08-25-2012, 11:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Keep in mind how this reflects on these spouses and Ex's - flaunting their new "relationships" when some people may not have even realized that you were divorced or separated. No class...
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