Given up hope of learning what relationships are about.
I'm on the brink of giving up trying to find something meaningful in relationships.
There are several people on here contemplating on leaving unfulfilling marriages, but it only makes me realize all marriages are going to have unmet needs. Humans fail, its what we do. Why marry in the first place? Why even have a relationship? I think we are all on a quest to find someone worth tricking ourselves into believing that life is meant to be with one lover. We put such importance on virginity and monogamy, yes those have certain valuable benefits but it seems they are only temporary, there is more to life - even if you practice monogamy everyone still has to deal with thoughts or temptations of experiencing more: our minds are not monogamous. And then when we finally come around to acting on the thought that we can do better in life we go out and look for something better to replace what we had, why do we need something so badly that we can never completely have?
Not sure what is spurring this on, I am not feeling any more depressed or frustrated than I always have, however I am feeling an expressive urge, my mind has formed this thought and I guess I need to get it out there.
During this past year I have felt a lot of loneliness and emptiness, in some ways I have put myself out there and others I've still held myself back, I guess I did get out there a bit and saw absolutetely nothing I wanted or liked. I can't see myself having another "relationship" I've tried, but am not compatible with anyone I have ever met, in my entire life (I thought I was with my ex W for awhile but I think I pulled the fleece over my own eyes there) - especially if they have baggage and are looking for me to be the solution to their old problem, nor do I want someone with no baggage because it means they just haven't figured out what they want from life yet (they are still susceptible to inconceivable disappointment). I don't want to be the source or, or even in the mere presence of that kind of disappointment. I don't think an ideal partner for me can exist - if they are too good then I feel guilt about using up their time, if they are not too good then they are just not good enough.
I don't think I've ever had a single truly fulfilling relationship (friendly or sexual), in fact the few hours a day I spend on this site is probably the most rewarding interaction I've ever had. I don't really want sex, even though I have a high sex drive and obsess over the female body. Self pleasure is almost fulfilling enough, more fulfilling than anything else - I enjoyed sex when I was married, and the bond it made was so much more than self pleasure, but the amount of work and upkeep to keep the spark is just not worth it, many, though not all, times I preferred to be alone than having sex with my W. I am realizing I was a lousy husband, not because I was mean or too passive or anything, just because I don't live up to social expectations of what a husband is supposed to be, nor do I really want to anymore.
So with that attitude I really can't see myself being of much value to a potential mate, atleast not one that expects anything of me, and I have no interest in being with someone who has zero expectations, because I still underneath it all, am an idealist.
I understand the importance of socializing, but I think the solution for me, instead of feeling depressed for not being able to ever generate any momentum in that area - and trust me I have been trying everything I can think of for the past three decades - is to just stop even trying, I honestly think a hermit's life, though bleak and empty is probably a lot more rewarding when they accept who they are and stop trying to want, and instead just embrace it, for me as a pretty severe introvert I have always tried to fight that introversion, so afraid to accept it. I think it is soon time to not tell the world to F off, rather to just tell it nothing. Instead of feeling guilty for being lazy, forgetful, introspective and difficult to be around, I will just stop trying to overcome those and be who I am, alone. And it feels good for me to say this (I do not want pity at all, I just want support or nothing at all). I don't think I have ever, in my strategic outlook, tried to just go with the introversion - it inevitably has its way with me but I'm looking the other direction, I think I need to try a 180 on my own vision in life because I see nothing, not even the horizon when I'm looking the direction I've always thought I'm supposed to look.