D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 11-19-2012, 07:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day

Hi All,

I haven't posted here yet, because I was hoping I would never have to, but here I am. My thread was "Isnt Getting Better or Worse" in going through divorce section. Well it got worse, my "D" was final on Nov 7th. I thought I had gained ground, but I haven't, I feel more and more like just giving up for good. I am sitting here now, tears down the face, pit in the stomach and whiskey by my side.. I miss my wife/my best friend more than I could even imagine. I shouldn't after all she did to me in the end, but I am. It's really hard, I had to move back with my folks in my hometown 100 miles away. I have not seen or spoken to her since Aug 18th, the last memory of her face was her getting ready to leave the day I was moving and turning around crying and buring her head in my chest for several minutes. Nothing was said, just embracing and that was it, gone forever.
I did the 180, no contact, only contact has been by text and email for business purposes. We knew each 12 years, together 6, married 4. We never went more than two days or so that we didnt get to talk or see one another, it has been 3 months now and I am dying a little everyday. I never got closure or a real answer to what happened, it was all over the place. I am certain she has someone else, probably living in the house I am paying half for, I dont know for certain, but she cant be alone.
I have been given at least 12 phone numbers from women since I have been back, but I know better than to do anything right now, because my mental state is not good. I work, go to the gym, hang with friends, get on here, but nothing lets her leave my mind. One of the hardest things is being back in my hometown, its very small and the town I moved back from, where she is from is huge.
All our friends have rallied around me, not her, even her family went against her, but it never changed her mind. She even admitted at a huge family dinner, that she was wrong for wanting to leave me and stood up and announced that in the restaurant, but still here I am without her. I dont know if I can ever make any sense of what happened, I sure as Hell do not trust Anyone right now as far a relationships are concerned! If my best friend could do this to me, what would a total stranger do to me? I'm so lost, I dont even know what direction to begin heading towards. God help me for future events that I may not be able to control....
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day

It gets better, just takes time. Sometimes a whole bunch of it.

You'll probably find that you'll never completely let yourself trust another person again, and hey that's ok.

You just never know what another person is thinking or what they might do.
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Old 11-20-2012, 08:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day

YES MAN,, ,this isnt the end of anything.
Its a new start.
You cant make her stay with you, so now you got a pass to do whatever you want in life.
The pain goes away, Ive been divorced for a few months past a year, and brother have I seen the darkest corners of my soul in those first few months.
After moving into my new house and away from the marital home, I got to see her car sitting parked across the street from my new house, visiting her boyfriend that stayed over there with a friend,, for over nighters too. This was not 3 days after I moved in. Then a few months later, she moves him into the marital home with our 11yr old daughter and her.

Recognize that this is the period of grief that you have to experience, then will come anger mixed in.. but then you will have a few more and more good days happen, and you will take notice of those days. Nurture yourself, give yourself permission to grieve, but also give yourself permission to move onward.
It does most certainly absolutely get better with a bit of time.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Dude, put the whiskey down the sink and leave it alone for a while. Get outside and take a walk in the woods and keep exercising. I'm guessing you don't have kids so you are one lucky duck.

Oh, and you are doing a good thing by not dating yet. Take your time with that. You will want to....badly....I know this from experience.
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Old 11-20-2012, 08:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day

Hey Shoo, Wow Man, I am sorry to hear about your situation, that is terrible, thank you for the input. Thank you also Paradise!

I am at the point of anger and sadness all at once! I want answers from her on how she turned almost evil to me, yet at the same time telling me I did nothing wrong and it was on her. She said " I want kids, just not with you, because we have to do that..(While looking at my crotch).. Seperate rooms, stating that we cant be in the house at the same time, etc.. All out of no where!!! I knew her for 6 years before we got together, we were best friends.. She has ruined me right now.. I had to move back home to my crappy little hometown of 15,000 people vs being there in a town of more than 200,000... The bomb came two weeks after we moved into a new house!!!! Knowing women, she had this in mind long before we bought this house, WTF??? I couldnt move, all our money went into this house, she couldnt move (or so she says) because her family was so mad and our friends quit talking to her.. I am paying for half a house I got to live in for three flippin months!!! I want answers!!!! Does anything said now between us even matter now that the D is final, not like I'm trying to win her back, no way!! How does she sleep at night?? I cant even fathim doing that to someone.. I want to know why she was so cruel for no reason, why we bought the house when she damn well knew she didnt want me... For the love!!!!

Sorry for the rant, the holiday has me messed up, I miss her family terribly, just going nuts here.. Thanks all!!
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Old 11-21-2012, 08:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Rant all you want. That's what this place is for. I got stuck in a mess with a house that I'm still paying for 2 years later (it sold last year but I still owe money on it).

Oh, and one thing. You said she "ruined you." No, she didn't! You are ruining yourself right now. She just decided to be a b!tch and throw a lot of what you two worked for down the drain. You didn't do that. But, right now you are poisoning yourself. It's important that you start looking at things this way.
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Paradise,

I know what you are saying and you are correct! It eats me up becuase I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? I do my very best to keep my mind occupied, but everytime I have to go to my storage unit to get something, anger shoots through me!!! When my friends post about getting together back there, anger shoots through me!!! I just will never understand and the the absoulute worst part!! I am still in Love with her!!! Holy Crap, that is messed up!!!
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Old 11-22-2012, 09:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: D Is Final, Losing Ground By the Day

I know you don't know me. I occasionally post in this forum. I feel your pain. I have and am living a very similar life. I have been divorced since the end of June and I still love my ex. Like you, I believed she was my best friend. Like you, I don't know if I can trust anyone, ever again.

One thing I can say is, the hurt will hurt less. You will slowly be able to take more and more of the things which are unbearable now. Most of all, strangers will treat you better than folks you know. You will learn to deal with this new life.

Good luck to you.
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Old 11-23-2012, 05:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LostOneForGood View Post
Paradise,

I know what you are saying and you are correct! It eats me up becuase I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? I do my very best to keep my mind occupied, but everytime I have to go to my storage unit to get something, anger shoots through me!!! When my friends post about getting together back there, anger shoots through me!!! I just will never understand and the the absoulute worst part!! I am still in Love with her!!! Holy Crap, that is messed up!!!
Hey, I feel for ya! Been through everything you just stated and then some.

So, you love her, eh? Really? She did this to you and you love her? Let me ask you, would you do this to someone you really love? No, you wouldn't, nor would I. Dude, she used you up and spit you out. My ex did the same to me. She got what she wanted and I fell for it.

I felt sorry for myself for a while about the pile of debt and the house that I built, etc and so forth. But, then I remembered I actually signed my name to all of it. And why? Because I was a freaking moron and wanted to make my wife happy. Big homes and fancy cars don't make people happy, dude. Now you learned an important lesson and you won't make the same mistake again....Unless you are an idiot.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I had to turn my life upside down, move back in with the folks, move back to my hometown, leave my job, my friends, etc.. Nothing has changed for her, it only got better for her, all the freedom she wants to do whoever she wants, I pay half the house, etc. Why is it the ones who get suprised get the worst end of the deal on all levels?? up!!!
It's not necessarily the "one's who are surprised" (or betrayed).

Usually the breadwinner gets hosed, that's how the laws work.

A common situation:

The dad/husband works full time, wife raises the kids, they divorce (because one of them cheated), mom gets custody because she was the primary caregiver, husband gets the support obligation, visitation and finds a small cheap place to live.

The courts don't care, they can't get involved with infidelity because it's impractical on so many levels; as a reason to make rulings on support and asset distribution.

I've been there and am still paying.

Then again I read stories all the time about wives who were always stay at home parents, the husband cheated, leaves her and she's stuck on welfare barely supporting the kids while he's out having the time of his life.

Go figure.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Take care of yourself. It will get better. Put down the whiskey as this will prolong your grieving...plus it's a depressant and not the best drug for you at this time!

Look at where you are as temporary. Things WILL get better. Moving in with your folks is a stepping stone, in that direction. Believe it or not. They can be your support system while your get on your feet and build confidence.

If you need someone to talk to try individual counseling....

Most of us understand the heartbreak. I do for sure! Keep your chin up. Your life will be better....
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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But, then I remembered I actually signed my name to all of it. And why? Because I was a freaking moron and wanted to make my wife happy. Big homes and fancy cars don't make people happy, dude. Now you learned an important lesson and you won't make the same mistake again....Unless you are an idiot.
Exactly.

We bear the responsibility. Not our ex's, not the courts.

We made bad decisions. We never know what another person will do, and as far as divorce rates go, and infidelity, and all those other things that ruin relationships and marriages, those who marry the first time are being somewhat overly optimistic and rolling the dice in the face of overwhelmingly negative odds.

Those who remarry ARE morons.

My opinion.
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Old 11-25-2012, 05:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Old 11-26-2012, 10:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I am just thinking today, how I will never understand how she became basically EVIL to me almost immediately! There are several things that are stuck in my head, example. She said" I wanna have kids, just not with you! Not long after that it was " I am a free spirit, your a homebody, we are heading in different directions. Then,"Do you have a girlfriend? Maybe you should it would make this easier for you" Then two weeks after I moved, she text me to see how I was.. I said, Really? You didnt care when I was there, why ask now? She says, " I am merely checking on one of my used to be best friends, but I have to remember that is gone to!!" We were still married, she hadnt filed yet!!! I dont know that I can ever trust again, I can only look ar someone now and think " Well what are you going to do to me?" Just the other night I had a woman offer basically a affair to me. She says this to me " Your hot, I like you, my bf will never know".I damn neared hit the roof! I said you got to be kidding me, let me tell you a story. I told her what I just went through and I said " There are things that eat at a man worse than the fear of dying" I told her I wish that pain on no man!! If you dont want him, leave.. Dont cheat.. I then left after that.. I am convinced that "Faithful" has been removed from the English language.. Anyway, my now ex is living the life she has been wanting and I am living in Hell! I just cant wrap my head around it...
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Yep, you are going through what a lot of us on here have already negotiated. See, you are getting angry now. That's good. Just don't stay pissed for too long.

There are a lot of really good people out there. Over time you will once again start seeing the good.
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