4 years and still hurting - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-30-2013, 09:31 PM Thread Starter
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4 years and still hurting


I came across this site, and figured it wouldn't hurt to talk to complete strangers. LOL. My friends and family don't really care, about my situtation and I can't talk with them.

My story......

I have been divorced almost 4 years. Problem started during the economic collapse. I was losing my home and business, and struggling to find solutions. MY wife of almost 14 years packed up and abandoned me. I was left alone to deal with a very difficult situation by myself. It was the worst time of my life.

After all these years, I still find myself thinking about my ex all the time. For some reason I feel she had sex with another man during our rough patch. I don't have proof but all the signs were there. Just a huge gut feeling.

Even though I despise her for what she did, I still miss her deeply, and my constant thoughts about her are keeping me from moving forward.

I know we can never be together again, but I have not come to closure, as I am very sentimental, and can't seem to let her go.

I realize that the process can be long and painful, and I wish I could go back in time and fix everything, but that is in the past.

Life has given me a good beating, and I feel as if I have given up on my future. At 51 years old, it is not easy, and I feel as if this has gotten the best of me.

I know my ex has most likely moved on, as it was always easy for her to run, but it is not so easy for me.

How have you dealt with your situations.?

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-30-2013, 10:29 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

BW1, I am just about a year out from a D, after 28 years married. I still have the same feelings you described, expecting to have them for a long time to come yet. Every day, I do my best to listen to the part of me that is sad or angry and to give it the time and attention it needs. Sometimes it still overwhelms me, but I am doing the best I can. You are worth fighting for, to get out from under all this sadness and see the good in the world. Keep chatting with us
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-30-2013, 10:46 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

I feel this way too. And I'm not even divorced yet. Just filed 4 wks ago. Although it was 18 mths ago he said he was leaving and he did, but came back then I kicked him out again last summer after discovering his ongoing EA's he had promised to stop.

I still care about him deep down, some part of me still loves him, or at least the man I married. But with everything he's done, and now getting some skank pregnant, I just can't stay with him.

I could write a book on the things he's done to hurt me. Every time I get a trigger and think about something he did that really hurt me I get angry. I will be dealing with this for some time yet I think.

It's like I don't even like him anymore but I still love him. Sick huh? We have known each other for 14 yrs, the first 7 were very happy and he was normal. Then he went off the rails. Mental illness started to creep in.

I have hope that time will heal and I can let go more and more and really get on with my own life. Right now I'm emotional, stressed, I miss him but I don't. I've done the have-kids version of the 180 but he still tries to suck me in. I don't get the games he plays.

I guess I just miss what we had back then. It has got to take time.. I dont get these people I read on TAM that detach in a week and never think about their ex. How do you do that?

I know for me its going to take a lot of time, I truly loved him - he was my dream guy and now he's not.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-30-2013, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

One of the things I am learning, is that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and fix everything, but knowing that it is impossible to do so. Spending too much time thinking about what could have been, but realizing a huge part of my life has been lost in the process.

The healing process, and trying to salvage what is left of my life, is daunting to say the least.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 12:01 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

18 months out of a 30 year marriage, she left me moved immediately in with a good friend of our both. Divorced me and married him within 8 months.....so I've been thru. First, if you have not done so seek some counseling, can't say it enough...seek counseling. When it first happened I was unable to work, could not concentrate (I'm an insurance agent). Fortunate to be able to take Hugh bits of time off, I even now struggle at times, feel like I am about 75%, at times not even 10% of were I was pre divorce. I would suggest looking into the 180, not to get her back but for the emphases on making a better you. Do I miss her? Do I miss the future I planned? Hell yes! Did I get closure? No! Wish I did. (she won't even talk to me, lives 5 blocks from me in a town of 8,500, haven't even seen her in a year). But let me tell you, asa 53 year old with NO dating experience, high school sweethearts, it is a target rich environment out there! In a persons 20's advantage women, 50's big advantage man! I have no problems getting a date, from real classy women, women who love to have a good time, enjoy someone to talk with, women you would be proud to take home to mother! 3 months after the Affair someone posted this same message to me, I had no idea! Stay here on TAM, post often, let everyone help you get thru this. Most important...Take Action! The only way she can ruin your life is if YOU let her. Good luck to you, stay here and Listen to the advice given. A great life is ahead, igf you will only run out to meet it!
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

Thanks for all the replies. Seems we are all experiencing collateral divorce damage. I hope it all works out for us.

Since I lost my business, I have moved back out into the blue collar world, and lousy pay, and tough to find a job I am content with. Just a poor man living in my little bubble, and lots of insecurities.

I haven't had much interest in dating, as most women are looking for emotional, and financial security. Neither of which, can I provide. I have gone on a few dates, and even had sex with one woman. But I was just going through the motions, and didn't enjoy it very much. I have had a few old divorced classmates interested in me, but they also have baggage. I have to get rid of my own baggage first. I simply don't have the emotional energy for dating, although a friend with benefits would be nice.lol

What is a 180?
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 03:34 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

You sound depressed and like a downer. What are you doing that is positive, uplifting, encouraging, or just plain fun in your life?

If you sit on your couch and mope around, you're going to be depressed. If you get out and start living life, you'll stop caring about the past.

Go on meetup and force yourself to do some stuff that you would never normally do. Force yourself out of your comfort zone and see if you don't get a kick out of it. Life is awesome when you live it.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 07:35 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

Looked for link to 180. Then realized not totally relevant. It is discussed a lot in the coping with infidelity forum. The point I was trying to make has to do with bettering yourself. Best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, get some new clothes. Improve yourself. Sorry for your rough economic situation. But believe you are selling women and yourself short. While everyone would like to marry someone with money. I believe most women/men are mostly just wanting someone who CARES about them. I agree I wouldn't date until your baggage is under control, everyone in 40-50 range has baggage, it's all about how you handle it. You can improve your situation, you can THRIVE, money or not. But it takes work, not sitting in pity. Good luck to you my friend, I beleve you can do it!
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 09:01 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

I know how your are feeling. My D was final just a couple of weeks ago because my husband had an EA while I was pregnant and after I kicked him out, he began to have a physical affair as well. I miss him dearly, but know that he has NO respect for me at all. Good luck, I am in the same boat.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 10:54 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

5 years out. We were separated for nearly 4 years.

Here is the thing you need to come to terms with, and I'm comfortable saying it, not to put you down, but as an acknowledgement of the arc I went through as well as many others.

What you miss, isn't 'her'. It's an idea. A feeling. A feeling that you have manufactured and cling to.

No doubt that you have some excellent memories worthy of remembering fondly. But ... that isn't where things ended. That isn't who she was, or at this point, even who you were, when the marriage ended.

Your ex-wife isn't holding you back.

You are.

You can make decisions and behave in a manner that does not continue to feed the ghost of a memory, a memory that is crippling you.

You can do it, and you must do it.

Grieving is normal and appropriate. Wallowing and feeding your own misery is neither. It is harmful. It holds you fast. It prevents you from living your life.

There was a point in time when your spouse was not part of your life, and odds are you thought your life was pretty good.

Focus on that time of your life rather than a marriage that no longer exists, and if you are doing what I did, and many others do ... NEVER existed.

Lots of good people here and plenty of support.

One of the things I often suggest to people is to journal. You can use a physical journal, or use the board. Write about your ex. Write about her every single day. Eventually the day will come when you don't have anything else to say.

Believe that things will get better. Because they will.

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-01-2013, 11:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

You are all correct in your assumptions of me. I do wallow in my misery at times. The tougher things are financially for me the worse it gets. has to be some common denominator in there somewhere.

One of my worse feelings in all of this is how it ended. When I was losing my home, my wife did nothing to help. Instead she and my stepdaughter just packed up and left. They didn't come back to help pack furniture and misc belongings, etc. I had a monumental task doing it myself. I would never win the husband of the year award, but I always protected my family and did my best to pay the bills, and keep a roof over their heads.

I didn't realize about her infidelity until after she left, and all the signs and red flags, until I thought about it. She covered her tracks with her friends and family by saying I was an abusive husband. I never raised a hand agianst, or mistreated her.

It's just a tough pill to swallow, when I was a faithful and hard working husband.

5 months after our divorce was finalized, I wrote her a letter, in which I poured my heart and soul into. She invited me over for dinner, a few times and we were going to start talking things over. One evening she called me up and dumped me again. She couldn't even tell it to me in person.

In my heart I still love her, but I know it is time to move on.

Part of me loves her and hopes she is well, part of me hopes she suffers eternal damnation.

I am going to start working in steps to keep myself occupied in a more positive way. Being more productive with my life as I can.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-02-2013, 08:52 AM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

I can easily relate with you BW1. Like you I'm hugely sentimental and a wild romantic. For the most part I've moved on and I'm usually pretty happy, but I still think of my ex from time to time. There are pictures in my head from moments in time that are seared into my brain. Just allowing myself to think of them and her takes me back to those lost moments and can really hurt, but like you I tend to romanticize those moments and embellish their meanings and how they made me feel. Making those moments overwhelmingly better then they actually were while while forgetting all the bad moments and how my ex treated me.

You are holding your ex up on a pedestal and I assume imagining things better then they actually were with her. After all she has done to you she doesn't deserve any of it. Let her go. Stop thinking of her.

Write down a list of all the bad things your ex did to you or hurtful things she said to you. Think hard and I'm sure you will find plenty. Keep this list in your wallet and whenever you start to miss her or think of what you lost take it out and read it.

Almost everything you have posted focuses on how much you love her and miss her. You say you know you need to move on, but you won't allow yourself to. I suggest you seek some counseling. Its been 4 years and you sound stuck and depressed. If you hadn't said 4 years and I read your posts I'd think you had just got divorced.

I know everyone says to get over your past relationship before dating, but have you tried meeting other people? Maybe you just need to get out there and have fun and build up your confidence. Maybe even allow yourself to fall in love again. Its been 4 years and maybe seeing there are others you can fall in love with will help you move on. Plus if things go bad again its much easier to walk away from a short term romance then a 14 year one.

I know most people here will be against that last advice, but after 4 years apparently whatever you have been doing isn't working.

Last edited by NoWhere; 05-09-2013 at 03:50 PM.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-03-2013, 09:20 AM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

Time does soften the blow but it's a myth that time heals all wounds.

Some people take a little longer to recover. Nothing wrong with that. Just take it a day at a time. Live your life. Do things you love, surround yourself with people/things you love.

Just don't wallow in the pain.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-03-2013, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

Thanks again for the replies.

It does take some people longer to heal. I have a big heart, and I always feel like I am on a sentimental journey at times.

I have lost both my parents in the last few years, as well as a devastating divorce, and home, and business loss. Sometimes I feel like the proverbial camel, and the straw.

A journal sounds like a good idea. A good way to write things down in private, and get the feelings off my chest. Somebody else mentioned that I should write a letter to my ex, and then burn it after its done? Not sure about that.

After my final ending with my wife, I moved out of state for a couple years to a place I really enjoy during the good months. But when I moved back to the scene of the crime, so to speak, my feelings were magnified by being back here.

I am making a goal to get things worked out for myself, and move out of this town, once and for all. I think that the distance, will help me with my self improvement.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-05-2013, 05:48 PM
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Re: 4 years and still hurting

Hello BW1,
I too am divorced 4 years and appreciate your honesty. In our society people seem to treat death and divoce the same........avoidance because they do not know what to say. I have finally moved away from the area we lived together. But there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him and get a lump in my throat. We were together for 18 years. That is a huge part of our live's so be easy on yourself. I say that but need to do it too. I am glad I found this website because I feel like I cannot talk about it with my friends. I like most of the advise you recieved and will take it for myself, as well. I just want to be my happy self again as I am sure that is what we all want. This is the first step in reaching out and moving on. As a woman, I tell you, there is nothing wrong with being setinmental, it is actually very attractive. The problem with having that trait is the pain we feel is deep. I wish I could say some magical thing to help but I am in the same boat, so you are not alone. Good luck to you and your process.
Regards ChriChri
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