My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
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My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Many of you know my story. My EX cheated. I tried to repair. She quit her job and moved thousands of miles away. Has refused to move back because she blames her depression now and that Minnesota has so many wonderful things to offer outdoors. Admits this way of thinking is flawed, but still refuses to be closer to kids. Just purchased a home which disappointed me even more. Believes video chats twice a week must be good enough. All my friends don't understand how a mother could move so far away from her kids. I've tried to understand, and her initial move was supposed to be temporary so she can heal and "find herself". But dating others and the escape from her problems was too strong and she decided not to return.

Every time I see a commercial or comment about Mother's Day, and how all mom's are so awesome my initial reaction is I want to puke.Really wish I wasn't feeling negative about this right now. I have others close to me (my mom, my sisters, my GF) who are awesome mothers. And there are millions more (many here on TAM) who are so deserving too. So it helps keep my perspective in check. If anyone should be celebrating tomorrow, it should be ME!!
Yeah, I'm just venting.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 08:39 AM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

And you should celebrate. You are mom and dad.

I always gave my Father's Day cards to my mom.

Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 08:41 AM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Take the high road and send her a card.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by talin View Post
Take the high road and send her a card.
That's not high road, that's denial. Celebrate the good mothers you know. Do something special with your kids and celebrate together your mother role in their lives. Make a new tradition for your unique family.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 08:55 AM
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My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

It's just a stupid Hallmark holiday.

Don't let it get to you. Many moms suck. Mine hasn't spoken to me in 14 years and read tam long enough and you'll see you aren't alone.

Turn the channel, avoid that section in the store until you've got your balance back.

It's just another day.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 09:11 AM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Look at the history of Mother's Day it's just marketing, yes it nice to feel special but it's gotten a bit crazy. Anyway, I feel the same about my mom. Funny she loves the day and expects us to shower her with gifts and spend the whole day with her. She ruined my first Mother's Day as she told me I was not really a mother since I did not really have my son, (c-section).

Anyone can give birth but that does not mean they are "motherly" to their kids. You have done a great job, go celebrate with your family and have fun. You are there for your kids. You are a parent she's the one who will sit alone in the morning without any little ones to wake her up with hand made gifts.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-11-2013, 01:24 PM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

My first child's dad was this way. However, I took the time to make sure my eldest (and all my kids) are aware of various mental health problems that adults can have. It stinks not to have a parent who will put the child above their own needs. However, that's life. You can teach them empathy while at the same time letting them know that you don't agree with the decisions their mother is making. My mother bailed on us when I was 10. She only claimed me after that when it was convenient...i.e. needing to look good for a boyfriend or a prospect. Usually it ended with the boyfriend feeling sorry for me and dating my mom long enough to give me some nice stability (i.e. weekends at their lakeside camp with my friends invited, help with getting a job, good meals, rides to school... anyhow, as a result of a parent being such a loser, I was able to experience the fact that the world is full of a lot of winners. Besides my mom's prospects, my friends parents and some teachers also pulled through for me, while allowing me to retain my dignity. And my dad, even though he had his own struggles, managed not to suicide until I was close to 18.

Parental abandonment stinks, but it's not the end of the world. Maybe your kids can send her a packet of seeds, with some kind of encouraging note about reaping what you sow (without meaning for it to be sarcastic, lol...) that is, she can choose to put down her roots wherever she likes, and have whatever she plants blossom. That way, they are still giving her flowers, but she has to grow them herself, and you're recognizing that ultimately, she will make the choice herself.

I also used to celebrate Mother's Day by honoring everyone who helped me to be a good parent to my children, either directly or as an example. You and your children could take the day to honor those people in your lives. You could help them make a bouquet of paper flowers that has a photo of each of their helpers/inspirations/sources of love and encouragement in the middle. It will help them to see that even though their mom is not with them, they have a lot of people who add up to a mom.

Alienating their bio mom might make it more difficult for her to make a choice to return. However, I understand, there is no need to reward her for her current choices. You could also send some pre-paid pre-addressed postcards with whatever card/gift is sent to her.

I got some flowers from my first child for Mother's Day already. I have no idea what he does if anything for his father on father's day, or his stepmother. he's old enough now so that it's his business. I certainly think about my mother around this time of year, and I feel sorry for her, however what she did to me was irrevocable. Later on she also called me possessed. I get it that she's mentally ill, but honestly, there are drugs you can take for that. She just doesn't want to face facts. Fantasy world...she lost her mom at age 10.

I wonder if there is something similar in your kids' mom's past that causes these problems for her? I hope it will resolve somehow and a better outcome for everyone involved.

Try not to burn bridges. At least so early on.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-12-2013, 03:31 AM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Last time I checked, they didn't make Mother's Day cards for mothers who abandon their family. Not a one I've seen said "Thanks for not being there" or "You're anything but the greatest mom". Just saying.

Take it with the general rules of the 180.... She quit on you as a wife, so you don't have to care about her like you used to. Well, she also quit being a mom, so you don't have to make a fuss over being "The World's Greatest Mom" today.

I know you're probably wondering if your choice to opt out and not celebrate her motherhood today is the right choice or not. Look, when she decides her depression is her own damn fault and there's a medicine for that, that sex and/drugs isn't going to make her feel better.... Yeah, when she decides to be a part of their lives and contribute something, then she can be considered worthy of a $5 Hallmark card and some waxy chocolates.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-12-2013, 03:40 AM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

What do your children want to do. This is not about what you want.

My step children's mother basically abandoned them. She has mental health issues.

When they were young they held on the belief that she loves them and wanted them. She loved them in her way. She did not want them.

Since the children wanted to do something I always made sure they could. They would buy her a card and sometimes a small gift and we'd mail it to her.

It took them years to come to terms with who she is and what she did. My step children are in their 20's. They now chose to have very little to do with their mother. But they at least call her every mother's day.

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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-12-2013, 06:36 PM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

I was going to send a text to STBXW yesterday to say Happy first Mothers Day.

But I didn't. No card, no text, no mention of it on the day before during our Skype session.

Because our boy is almost 1.

It would have meant nothing to her. She doesn't want a thing to do with me so what would it have achieved?


She has our boy all that distance away.

But now I guess I'll be the world's biggest a$$hole according to her FB mothers group. Either way, I lose.

Either way, to send would have been 'trying to win her back', or simply meant nothing.

No action taken, no harm done.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 04:54 PM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Good that you didn't send it and screw her FB group.

Hope you have a great Skype session with your son D! Just concentrate on him.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 09:05 PM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day


She's psychotic and selfish.

Any reaching out by you is interpreted as weakness.

Hope you didn't fold.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 10:42 PM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Real Moms and/or Dads..... do not move so far away that skyping/phone calls are their only contact!

It shows she a self human being and cares primarily for her needs!

Kuddos to you dad for being there for your kids! They know the difference in their parents.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-17-2013, 07:24 AM
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Re: My EX is not deserving of Mother's Day

Little bit of a sore subject. Ex gave me a card right after we found out I was expecting. That was the last mother's day card I ever got from him/paid by him. The next year when she was 4 months old, he didn't do anything because "You aren't MY mother; she'll get you something when she'd old enough to want to".

So much for setting an example. Such is life with an NPD spouse. Ever year I have let our daughter pick out cards, Christmas presents, etc. Finally I stopped with Christmas - she has to use her own money but I'll take her. We were at a store and she saw a big hollow chocolate tootsie roll filled with actual tootsie rolls. She wanted to buy it and save it for Father's Day. It was only $3.99 - sure. But did I get anything? Even though he had her from Friday til Sunday at 10am? Nope, he never even suggested taking her to buy a card.

Other years my Mom would get one to her, a best friend, etc. Last year we shopped for my Mom together and she covertly picked one for me, too, so I bought it unknowing. Turned out we selected the same card - me for my mom, hers for me.

I find holidays, whether you label them "Hallmark" or not, are good opportunities to teach a child to think about others. Not that you can't do it other ways...

I'd still encourage the kids to make a card and mail them. In your eyes she abandoned them. (Maybe the kids' too) but in the end, she may be better off leaving them with the obviously better parent.

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