The singles of TAM - Page 2315 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 42894Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #34711 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 02:25 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by bkyln309 View Post
How is Real Estate?
He's good; we're good. We are moving forward, albeit at a snail's pace

A few signs of progress:

-- He's beginning to talk about the future. He now talks about when we go to camp together next summer, and the like. Previously, he always preceded things with, "if we're still together," but he's dropped that pretense over the last month or so. But more importantly, he's thinking about the future for himself and talking about what he wants to do, and making some goals for his future, where none really existed before. He wants to buy a few more rental properties and is looking into what it takes to open his own brokerage. This is a big deal... he's kind of been spinning his wheels in the same place for the last 5 years, because the future never really mattered, because he didn't really have anything to look forward to. He just saw an endless string of days, all of them exactly the same as the one before. I think I'm changing that for him. He sees that I am a person with forward momentum, and that if he doesn't step up his game in this respect, I may well leave him behind. No that I need him to change--I adore him as he is, and I have no desire to change him. But if he wants to make changes and improve himself and his outlook on life, I will be wholly supportive.

-- He is (finally) letting me leave stuff at his place. Not a lot, not like I have a drawer. But I told him yesterday when I was packing up to leave, "I'm leaving some of my toiletries in the bathroom, since I'll be back on Thursday night." And he was totally ok with it, when previously, he would have said, no, you can't leave anything here. I have my drink mix in the kitchen cabinets, my new Lego set upstairs, and a few other things here and there. This is a big thing for him... for the longest time, if I left even as much as a hair clip or a rubber band, it would be returned to me the next time he saw me. This is good because he's seeing me as a more permanent presence in his life.

-- I have finally, after almost 10 months, met one of his friends!!!! This is HUGE. Like, a BFD. He likes to compartmentalize his life in a way, so the different circles of people in his life don't really cross over in any meaningful way, and he is rather private--he doesn't go out and socialize a lot. So I've never met any of his friends, except for the mutual friend who introduced us, even though he's met a ton of my friends, and they all love him. Real Estate doesn't have a large collection of friends, and most of them live far away. This friend, in particular, lives in Kenya currently, so we will call him The Kenyan. I have known about The Kenyan for a long time, and The Kenyan has been in town 3 times since I've started seeing Real Estate, but I had never met him--he leases a condo in the same building where Real Estate owns a few units, which is how they met, and Real Estate is watching The Kenyan's condo, taking care of his mail, etc. They're been friends for a long time. The Kenyan is getting married at the end of February, and Real Estate is going to Kenya for the wedding. So, two weekends ago, I find out that The Kenyan is in town just for a few days--he had to go to Atlanta for some business with his non-profit, and he decided to come up here and take care of some stuff here as well--and Real Estate was meeting him on Saturday morning for breakfast, which they always do when The Kenyan is in town. I assumed that I would be left home to my own devices while they had breakfast, as has been the case in the past, but Real Estate decided that I was coming along to meet The Kenyan. Funny enough, he didn't tell The Kenyan that he was bringing me! But The Kenyan was delighted to meet me, and he was lovely. Since then, Real Estate has even let me chat with The Kenyan a little bit via text, when The Kenyan texted Real Estate about some stuff this past weekend. The Kenyan is disappointed that I can't come to the wedding, but I expect that I'll see much more of him and his bride when they come back to the US next summer. But the reason this is a BFD is that he wouldn't introduce me to any of his friends unless he was feeling sure that this was going to last into the foreseeable future. I'm also fairly certain that he has (in the past) repeatedly told all his friends and family that he never wanted to be in a relationship ever again, so it also requires a certain amount of pride swallowing on his part, and he is a very stubborn man, so I'm sure that part was tough for him as well.

-- It seems like he's trying to tell me he loves me without having to actually say the words themselves. He's been singing me silly love songs, and a few weeks ago he told me I was his favorite person, aside from his dog. He's just not ready yet, but I'm not worried about it. To actually say it would be to make himself vulnerable, and he's not ready to put himself in that position yet, and I can understand that. I will be patient, because I know that he loves me, and he shows me that in every way that he can, which is more than any other person has ever done for me, and I'm incredibly happy with that. I would rather have the actions than the words.

-- He seems to be warming up to the boyfriend/girlfriend label. I backed off of this starting back in October, after we had our last big fight about "what is this?" I decided to just enjoy what we had, and not worry about labels, because my relationship with him (without labels) has been better and healthier than any relationship I've had with labels. I would rather have the healthy, loving relationship without the labels, than give that up to try to find someone who will be on board with the labels, but not give me everything that Real Estate does. And then he doesn't feel pressure from me to move this at a faster speed than he's ready for. He has been very responsive to my needs; if he needs this to move slow, then I wants to be responsive to his needs as well.

So, that's where things are. I feel like we're in a really good place, and I'm happy that we aren't rushing things. I'm happy that I am able to have someone special in my life without feeling like I'm going to have to give up my independence to be with him, which is something that I've been worried about, getting seriously involved with another person. I'm quite happy with the way things are right now.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #34712 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:33 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Haiku's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 3,471
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
When you marry, "spouse" becomes part of your identity, and it becomes internalized. It can take a long time to shed that part of your identity.

I've been divorced for over 3 yrs now... I've never really reverted to feeling "single." Instead, I feel divorced. I don't know that I'll ever feel single again. (I'm in a relationship now, which seems to be working for me, so I'm not really single now, anyway... we shall see what happens.)
Yes, that makes sense. Thanks.

.........><)))#">
Haiku is offline  
post #34713 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:11 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 934
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I have my drink mix in the kitchen cabinets, my new Lego set upstairs, and a few other things here and there.
You know it's serious when the Lego can stay over!
Hopeful Cynic is offline  
 
post #34714 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:26 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
You know it's serious when the Lego can stay over!
Ha ha ha!!!! We were talking about Legos the night he got home from seeing his family for Christmas. I was saying how much I enjoyed them as a kid, but I never had any of my own, because no one ever bought me any. My sister, on the other hand, received several kits, which I always ended up assembling for her. So we decided to go to Target (the only store that was open that late at night), but they were picked over because it was two days after Christmas. We bought a Star Wars kit that came with a Rebel fighter jet and a Federation one, so we could each build one. We had so much fun that two days later, we went to the Lego store at the mall. I bought a huge Ninjago set, which we built first, and he got the Death Star, which was a BEAR to build.

The Death Star took so long to put together (like 3 or 4 days with us working on it together) that he doesn't want to disassemble it. He seems to think it will survive a 12-hour car ride, which it will take to give it to his nephew.

I, on the other hand, methodically and carefully disassembled my entire set over the last two days, storing the pieces in numbered bags that correspond with the originals so I can rebuild it later. So the Lego kit is still at his house, but I will be bringing it home, eventually.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #34715 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:49 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,585
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Ha ha ha!!!! We were talking about Legos the night he got home from seeing his family for Christmas. I was saying how much I enjoyed them as a kid, but I never had any of my own, because no one ever bought me any. My sister, on the other hand, received several kits, which I always ended up assembling for her. So we decided to go to Target (the only store that was open that late at night), but they were picked over because it was two days after Christmas. We bought a Star Wars kit that came with a Rebel fighter jet and a Federation one, so we could each build one. We had so much fun that two days later, we went to the Lego store at the mall. I bought a huge Ninjago set, which we built first, and he got the Death Star, which was a BEAR to build.

The Death Star took so long to put together (like 3 or 4 days with us working on it together) that he doesn't want to disassemble it. He seems to think it will survive a 12-hour car ride, which it will take to give it to his nephew.

I, on the other hand, methodically and carefully disassembled my entire set over the last two days, storing the pieces in numbered bags that correspond with the originals so I can rebuild it later. So the Lego kit is still at his house, but I will be bringing it home, eventually.
I love creative, couple projects that channel our childhood.

Odo and I work on 1,000+ piece puzzles (no picture guide) and 3-d puzzles. We spread them on our kitchen island and do a bit together every night.

Great to hear about the Lego adventures! I think I need to go to the Lego store soon.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #34716 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:34 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I love creative, couple projects that channel our childhood.

Odo and I work on 1,000+ piece puzzles (no picture guide) and 3-d puzzles. We spread them on our kitchen island and do a bit together every night.

Great to hear about the Lego adventures! I think I need to go to the Lego store soon.
I agree about the creative, couple project thing... it really was just a spur of the moment idea that ended up being a total blast.

Real Estate likes jigsaw puzzles, but currently doesn't have a table big enough for the project. I've lent him my big folding table, which is the right size, but he doesn't really have the space for it. I don't have the patience for jigsaw puzzles, but I think 3-D puzzles might be fun.

The Lego store is NEAT. I want to go back and get the Ghostbusters car kit. I really wanted a pirate ship, but all those kits have been discontinued.

How is Odo? I miss his posts.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #34717 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:44 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Haiku View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
When you marry, "spouse" becomes part of your identity, and it becomes internalized. It can take a long time to shed that part of your identity.

I've been divorced for over 3 yrs now... I've never really reverted to feeling "single." Instead, I feel divorced. I don't know that I'll ever feel single again. (I'm in a relationship now, which seems to be working for me, so I'm not really single now, anyway... we shall see what happens.)
Yes, that makes sense. Thanks.
It's kind of like... once you lose your virginity, you can never go back to being a virgin ever again. Even if you have a long spell of celibacy, and the first time after that break feels amazing and new, despite what Madonna may say, you never completely feel like a virgin ever again.

But I will say this: I don't think I would go back, if I could. I prefer being Divorced FiP over Never Married Single FiP. Divorced FiP is stronger and wiser, more confident and self-assured, more independent and self-reliant, and emotionally healthier than Never Married Single FiP ever was or ever could have been. And I had to go through all that hard stuff to gain all of that.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #34718 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:02 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,585
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post

How is Odo? I miss his posts.
Thanks for asking! He lurks over my shoulder sometimes. We often discuss interesting posts. Now he enjoys plaguing people on wood stove, tractor, Harley Davidson, and Donald Trump forums when he's got the chance! Hasn't managed to get himself banned on those... Yet!

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #34719 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:46 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Thanks for asking! He lurks over my shoulder sometimes. We often discuss interesting posts. Now he enjoys plaguing people on wood stove, tractor, Harley Davidson, and Donald Trump forums when he's got the chance! Hasn't managed to get himself banned on those... Yet!
Ha ha! I didn't realize he had been banned. I thought it was a self-imposed exile. Tell him I said hello!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #34720 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:48 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Haiku's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 3,471
Re: The singles of TAM

@FeministInPink - wise words. Thanks, really!


.........><)))#">
Haiku is offline  
post #34721 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:13 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

The one thing that I do regret, or perhaps more aptly, what I don't like about myself post-divorce, is that I feel like I have ADHD now. I may have had it before, undiagnosed, and I just feel it more acutely now because I'm a little more self-aware (when I think back to my childhood, I think there were signs, but ADHD manifests differently in girls than it does in boys), but it may also be due to the emotional trauma of the divorce. I've read that the emotional trauma of divorce can have long-term effects on the wiring in your brain, and what I'm experiencing seems to be pretty much in tune with what I've read.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #34722 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,799
Re: The singles of TAM

After 1 divorce and 1 separation...I feel a little too single.
Herschel is online now  
post #34723 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 389
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
He's good; we're good. We are moving forward, albeit at a snail's pace

A few signs of progress:

-- He's beginning to talk about the future. He now talks about when we go to camp together next summer, and the like. Previously, he always preceded things with, "if we're still together," but he's dropped that pretense over the last month or so. But more importantly, he's thinking about the future for himself and talking about what he wants to do, and making some goals for his future, where none really existed before. He wants to buy a few more rental properties and is looking into what it takes to open his own brokerage. This is a big deal... he's kind of been spinning his wheels in the same place for the last 5 years, because the future never really mattered, because he didn't really have anything to look forward to. He just saw an endless string of days, all of them exactly the same as the one before. I think I'm changing that for him. He sees that I am a person with forward momentum, and that if he doesn't step up his game in this respect, I may well leave him behind. No that I need him to change--I adore him as he is, and I have no desire to change him. But if he wants to make changes and improve himself and his outlook on life, I will be wholly supportive.

-- He is (finally) letting me leave stuff at his place. Not a lot, not like I have a drawer. But I told him yesterday when I was packing up to leave, "I'm leaving some of my toiletries in the bathroom, since I'll be back on Thursday night." And he was totally ok with it, when previously, he would have said, no, you can't leave anything here. I have my drink mix in the kitchen cabinets, my new Lego set upstairs, and a few other things here and there. This is a big thing for him... for the longest time, if I left even as much as a hair clip or a rubber band, it would be returned to me the next time he saw me. This is good because he's seeing me as a more permanent presence in his life.

-- I have finally, after almost 10 months, met one of his friends!!!! This is HUGE. Like, a BFD. He likes to compartmentalize his life in a way, so the different circles of people in his life don't really cross over in any meaningful way, and he is rather private--he doesn't go out and socialize a lot. So I've never met any of his friends, except for the mutual friend who introduced us, even though he's met a ton of my friends, and they all love him. Real Estate doesn't have a large collection of friends, and most of them live far away. This friend, in particular, lives in Kenya currently, so we will call him The Kenyan. I have known about The Kenyan for a long time, and The Kenyan has been in town 3 times since I've started seeing Real Estate, but I had never met him--he leases a condo in the same building where Real Estate owns a few units, which is how they met, and Real Estate is watching The Kenyan's condo, taking care of his mail, etc. They're been friends for a long time. The Kenyan is getting married at the end of February, and Real Estate is going to Kenya for the wedding. So, two weekends ago, I find out that The Kenyan is in town just for a few days--he had to go to Atlanta for some business with his non-profit, and he decided to come up here and take care of some stuff here as well--and Real Estate was meeting him on Saturday morning for breakfast, which they always do when The Kenyan is in town. I assumed that I would be left home to my own devices while they had breakfast, as has been the case in the past, but Real Estate decided that I was coming along to meet The Kenyan. Funny enough, he didn't tell The Kenyan that he was bringing me! But The Kenyan was delighted to meet me, and he was lovely. Since then, Real Estate has even let me chat with The Kenyan a little bit via text, when The Kenyan texted Real Estate about some stuff this past weekend. The Kenyan is disappointed that I can't come to the wedding, but I expect that I'll see much more of him and his bride when they come back to the US next summer. But the reason this is a BFD is that he wouldn't introduce me to any of his friends unless he was feeling sure that this was going to last into the foreseeable future. I'm also fairly certain that he has (in the past) repeatedly told all his friends and family that he never wanted to be in a relationship ever again, so it also requires a certain amount of pride swallowing on his part, and he is a very stubborn man, so I'm sure that part was tough for him as well.

-- It seems like he's trying to tell me he loves me without having to actually say the words themselves. He's been singing me silly love songs, and a few weeks ago he told me I was his favorite person, aside from his dog. He's just not ready yet, but I'm not worried about it. To actually say it would be to make himself vulnerable, and he's not ready to put himself in that position yet, and I can understand that. I will be patient, because I know that he loves me, and he shows me that in every way that he can, which is more than any other person has ever done for me, and I'm incredibly happy with that. I would rather have the actions than the words.

-- He seems to be warming up to the boyfriend/girlfriend label. I backed off of this starting back in October, after we had our last big fight about "what is this?" I decided to just enjoy what we had, and not worry about labels, because my relationship with him (without labels) has been better and healthier than any relationship I've had with labels. I would rather have the healthy, loving relationship without the labels, than give that up to try to find someone who will be on board with the labels, but not give me everything that Real Estate does. And then he doesn't feel pressure from me to move this at a faster speed than he's ready for. He has been very responsive to my needs; if he needs this to move slow, then I wants to be responsive to his needs as well.

So, that's where things are. I feel like we're in a really good place, and I'm happy that we aren't rushing things. I'm happy that I am able to have someone special in my life without feeling like I'm going to have to give up my independence to be with him, which is something that I've been worried about, getting seriously involved with another person. I'm quite happy with the way things are right now.
Such awesome news. I cannot believe its been 10 months already!
bkyln309 is online now  
post #34724 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:59 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 389
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
The one thing that I do regret, or perhaps more aptly, what I don't like about myself post-divorce, is that I feel like I have ADHD now. I may have had it before, undiagnosed, and I just feel it more acutely now because I'm a little more self-aware (when I think back to my childhood, I think there were signs, but ADHD manifests differently in girls than it does in boys), but it may also be due to the emotional trauma of the divorce. I've read that the emotional trauma of divorce can have long-term effects on the wiring in your brain, and what I'm experiencing seems to be pretty much in tune with what I've read.
funny you should say that. I never have suffered from anxiety until post divorce. I guess its all the stress of being the sole provider for me and the kids. It sucks because I usually work myself up into a tizzy over nothing. I need to work on this. OM recently commented on it when I flipped out for two weeks over a health issue. Luckily it turned out to be nothing but it drained both of us.

Other than that, I like my divorced self much better than my married self.
bkyln309 is online now  
post #34725 of 34753 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:05 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,267
Re: The singles of TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by bkyln309 View Post
Such awesome news. I cannot believe its been 10 months already!
I know! He's now rounding it up to a year, ha ha--he's not the best with dates, so he counts on me to know how long we've been together. I'm quite happy. But now, I'm thinking... jeez, I need a weekend day to myself! Every weekend committed just to him is getting to be a little much for me. I think I need to trade a weekend day for a weeknight, to get a little more balance in my life.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Tags
hats, the coolest people of tam

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Singles Forums dingerdad Life After Divorce 7 02-23-2016 04:01 PM
Posting to singles website JMAN777 Coping with Infidelity 10 12-15-2009 01:41 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome