The singles of TAM - Page 2317 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #34741 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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Such awesome news. I cannot believe its been 10 months already!
I know! He's now rounding it up to a year, ha ha--he's not the best with dates, so he counts on me to know how long we've been together. I'm quite happy. But now, I'm thinking... jeez, I need a weekend day to myself! Every weekend committed just to him is getting to be a little much for me. I think I need to trade a weekend day for a weeknight, to get a little more balance in my life.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #34742 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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funny you should say that. I never have suffered from anxiety until post divorce. I guess its all the stress of being the sole provider for me and the kids. It sucks because I usually work myself up into a tizzy over nothing. I need to work on this. OM recently commented on it when I flipped out for two weeks over a health issue. Luckily it turned out to be nothing but it drained both of us.

Other than that, I like my divorced self much better than my married self.
I've had a little more anxiety, myself. I think part of it is supporting myself on one income again--I fret more about money than I used to. I've also had two panic attacks since the divorce. Now that I know what they are, I realize that I had a few panic attacks as a kid/adolescent, so it's not a new development, but prior to my divorce, the last one I had when I was 13 or 14. Since I've figured out what they are, I haven't had one.

I think the anxiety and the ADHD are linked in some way, probably.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #34743 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:26 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

Cuddlebunny and I are going on vacation.
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post #34744 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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Cuddlebunny and I are going on vacation.
Where? What are you going to do?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #34745 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: The singles of TAM

As always, I love to hop on here to see that things are going well for people. Warms my heart!

Of course, I said I was not really focused on dating now, and I haven't been. My marathon training is on hold while I rebuild from a minor injury, and work is a whirlwind.

BUT, I met a young man just before Thanksgiving, and we have sort of steadily been seeing each other. Last weekend, we went to see a big screen replay of my all time favorite movie. We had an amazing time. Lots of laughs, reciting lines, cuddling. The best part was seeing how much he loves it, too. It was a neat thing to share.

We talk quite a bit about dating and relationships, and I like that we are both just trying to figure it out. We aren't exclusive, but we sort of are, if that makes sense. More of a respect/code sort of arrangement versus stating that we are a thing. He's met a few of my friends, and the general comment I hear is that we are very comfortable together.

I like it. Comfortable is perfect for me right now.
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post #34746 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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Where? What are you going to do?
We are going overseas to *classified information*

What are we going to do? Explore a new world together!
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post #34747 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

So glad to see you all writing~

@TooNice awesome lady!
@FeministInPink steady wins the race
@RandomDude .... dude.... DO NOT FREAK OUT like you did with your last girl

I am busy. So busy. Havent had a day off since New Years Day.

My friend is weird. He has been spending a lot of time at my place. He jokingly said something about being my boyfriend, I put a stop and told him straight out "You are not my boyfriend." The other night, while we were having sex, he told me "I love you"
I instantly jumped off of him, and told him to stop freaking me out.
He said it again later on the night, I simply ignored him.
He has overstayed his welcome. However, I am also enjoying his company....

I like him and admire his lifestyle yet at the same time, his lifestyle terrifies me. All of the jobs he has held are in the fast food industry. He is happy with that. I am fighting the impulse not to judge him. He seems to be the sort of person who does not have much aspirations for his life. He is currently unemployed, he has had his own place before, but currently "crashing" either at my place or friend's places. I have not ended things because I am not developing feelings just enjoying the sex and company. As soon as I develop feelings, I will end things. I cannot and will not fall for someone like him.

I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #34748 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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My friend is weird. He has been spending a lot of time at my place. He jokingly said something about being my boyfriend, I put a stop and told him straight out "You are not my boyfriend." The other night, while we were having sex, he told me "I love you"
I instantly jumped off of him, and told him to stop freaking me out.
He said it again later on the night, I simply ignored him.
He has overstayed his welcome. However, I am also enjoying his company....

I have not ended things because I am not developing feelings just enjoying the sex and company. As soon as I develop feelings, I will end things. I cannot and will not fall for someone like him.
Oh... be careful, ne. Sounds like HE is developing feelings, which might make it more complicated when you decide it's time to end it. I don't blame you a bit for freaking out when he said he loved you, but it freaks me out a bit more that he made the move to say it AGAIN.

I know you're having fun, but please take care. You deserve more. (But you know that.)
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post #34749 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

NE - it sounds like he is really trying to push your boundaries, be careful.
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post #34750 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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NE - it sounds like he is really trying to push your boundaries, be careful.

Yes, I can see that happening. THank you!


I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #34751 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

I'm learning more about the guy I am seeing, and getting insight into his relationship past. He's younger than I am, but it definitely does not show. Never been married, not in a rush to be, and he feels he could have kids... or not have kids. So that's all good. He's had a bad rash of relationships that ended with breaches of trust, and is hesitant to rush back into giving someone his all. After all the lies in my 20 year marriage, I am in the same boat, but we haven't even talked about that yet. He doesn't even know how much I can relate to that.

He's a little uncomfortable around big groups of people, and prefers engaging in 2-3 person conversations. That may be the only thing I have issue with so far; I often go out with large groups of people, and enjoy when the conversation includes the whole group. When we are in a larger group and he's talking just to me, I feel like I am missing the rest of the group's interaction. That is a minor worry, however, and I am thrilled that my brain is not kicking into high gear on messing this up. I am focused more on understanding that this may be how he deals with narrowing a larger group down to help his comfort level. I have always been an extrovert, so this is new territory for me, and I want us both to be comfortable.

We have some interests that don't mesh (which is totally fine!), but our sense of humor is a huge one that does. And while he is younger, his taste for and knowledge of movies and music from my era is downright impressive - lol! I saw him after I posted last night, and there was a great 80's playlist going, so we had fun with that. We also have date plans for tonight. It is so lovely to be treated kindly... small things, like helping me put my coat on and lifting my hair over the collar. I think I posted about this guy a few weeks after we met - he's the one who brought me a thermos of tea when I had a sore throat! I need to reframe things a bit to be accepting of these small acts of kindness. When you are treated poorly for a long time, it is a tough adjustment to feel worthy of such treatment. I also need to re-learn how to reciprocate that. My ex shot me down when I would do small things to show I cared, so eventually I stopped. It really is remarkable to understand the ways a poor relationship can affect you when you move forward.

Anyway, I digress. Right now, I am enjoying myself. We are taking things slow and simply spending time together. And hopefully learning a bit from one another as we go.
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post #34752 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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@RandomDude .... dude.... DO NOT FREAK OUT like you did with your last girl
What happened with last girl? I forgot which one she was...

Anyway think we will have fun, think I have the travel bug, I only just flown overseas late last year.
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post #34753 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: The singles of TAM

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I'm learning more about the guy I am seeing, and getting insight into his relationship past. He's younger than I am, but it definitely does not show. Never been married, not in a rush to be, and he feels he could have kids... or not have kids. So that's all good. He's had a bad rash of relationships that ended with breaches of trust, and is hesitant to rush back into giving someone his all. After all the lies in my 20 year marriage, I am in the same boat, but we haven't even talked about that yet. He doesn't even know how much I can relate to that.

He's a little uncomfortable around big groups of people, and prefers engaging in 2-3 person conversations. That may be the only thing I have issue with so far; I often go out with large groups of people, and enjoy when the conversation includes the whole group. When we are in a larger group and he's talking just to me, I feel like I am missing the rest of the group's interaction. That is a minor worry, however, and I am thrilled that my brain is not kicking into high gear on messing this up. I am focused more on understanding that this may be how he deals with narrowing a larger group down to help his comfort level. I have always been an extrovert, so this is new territory for me, and I want us both to be comfortable.

We have some interests that don't mesh (which is totally fine!), but our sense of humor is a huge one that does. And while he is younger, his taste for and knowledge of movies and music from my era is downright impressive - lol! I saw him after I posted last night, and there was a great 80's playlist going, so we had fun with that. We also have date plans for tonight. It is so lovely to be treated kindly... small things, like helping me put my coat on and lifting my hair over the collar. I think I posted about this guy a few weeks after we met - he's the one who brought me a thermos of tea when I had a sore throat! I need to reframe things a bit to be accepting of these small acts of kindness. When you are treated poorly for a long time, it is a tough adjustment to feel worthy of such treatment. I also need to re-learn how to reciprocate that. My ex shot me down when I would do small things to show I cared, so eventually I stopped. It really is remarkable to understand the ways a poor relationship can affect you when you move forward.

Anyway, I digress. Right now, I am enjoying myself. We are taking things slow and simply spending time together. And hopefully learning a bit from one another as we go.

::

Looking for pom poms to wave.
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post #34754 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

So, I need to have a talk with Real Estate, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm afraid he will take it wrong, but the only way I will know is if I have this conversation.

I need some space.

Not like in a bad way, "I'm not sure if this is what I want and I might break up with you" space. In an, "I love spending time with you, but I'm spending so much time with you that I never see my friends anymore and I don't have time to do my laundry and focus on things that are important to me, and I need a little more balance in my life" space. We spend every weekend together, regardless of whether or not we have actual specific plans... and an entire weekend is a LOT of hours to take out of my schedule. I work full-time, plus my commute, Mon-Fri. If I spend all weekend at his place, that only leaves me with Mon-Thurs evenings (3-4 hrs per night max) to do everything else that I need/want to do, like laundry, groceries, meal prepping, seeing my friends. I've had to resort to, "Hey, friend, I would love to hang out with you, but only if you come over and we drink wine while I do my laundry and clean my room." And all this time spent at his place on the weekends... if we don't have anything specific planned, we just hang out and watch TV/movies, which really isn't quality time.

I don't think he realizes just how much time that is for me to take out of my schedule. He has mastered the Tim Ferris 4-hour work week or whatever. Literally, he works at MOST 2-3 hrs a day... from home. So he doesn't have to deal with a commute, or even showering, if he doesn't want to. He can work in his pajamas, if he wants to. It isn't like he's hurting for extra time the way that I am, so I think it just hasn't occurred to him.

So I'm going to have to say that I can only spend one weekend day... or I'm only coming over if we have definite plans to do something. Something like that. I have plans and goals that I want to work on, like writing my novel (finally), among other things. He is very supportive of these, but I need TIME to accomplish them... and he's being a huge time suck right now, and the time we're spending together isn't always quality time, and if it's not quality time, it's not a good use of my time.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #34755 of 34769 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: The singles of TAM

Welcome to my world, not an easy conversation to have FIP
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