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The singles of TAM

2M views 35K replies 262 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
I thought it would be neat to start a thread for all the new singles here at TAM. As we all know it is hard for others to understand what we have been through without experiencing it themselves. So this thread is a place to discuss moving forward with life. Meeting new people, dating (when and how) and who knows maybe maybe someone will make a connection here. Anyway this is just a place to share your experiences and get and give advice for others.
 
#33,683 ·
Why are you piecing together info about your ex, why do you even care? lol
Letters sent to my home. Kids telling me things he said.

Doesn't need much brains to figure things are bad for him, fired from job n with mounting debts. Debts him n his "beloved" parents n sisters dumped over.

I should not care and that's the right thing to do. But the heart is human. Got to separate the heart from the brain.
 
#33,688 ·
What kind of boundaries do you have with your exes?

My D will be finalized next month. Been dating a woman for 4 months now. Yesterday, STBX called crying because she couldn't get her iPhone to restore and she had a dead cell phone until then. I'm a computer guy, so I remoted into her computer and helped.

The girlfriend said after the D is finalized, she doesn't want me doing anything like this. She doesn't want to get hurt. I had to put myeslf in her shoes to understand what she's feeling. I imagined her talking with an ex boyfriend and helping him with a cooking/recipe question. That definitely bothered me. I told her that I'll keep interaction with her only on co-parenting issues after we are officially split.

Are her concerns valid? At first, it kind of pissed me off. Thought she was being controlling and crazy. But I think I now understand her concerns. I view my STBX like a sister. No desire for intimacy, wish the best for her in life.
 
#33,689 ·
What kind of boundaries do you have with your exes?

My D will be finalized next month. Been dating a woman for 4 months now. Yesterday, STBX called crying because she couldn't get her iPhone to restore and she had a dead cell phone until then. I'm a computer guy, so I remoted into her computer and helped.

The girlfriend said after the D is finalized, she doesn't want me doing anything like this. She doesn't want to get hurt. I had to put myeslf in her shoes to understand what she's feeling. I imagined her talking with an ex boyfriend and helping him with a cooking/recipe question. That definitely bothered me. I told her that I'll keep interaction with her only on co-parenting issues after we are officially split.

Are her concerns valid? At first, it kind of pissed me off. Thought she was being controlling and crazy. But I think I now understand her concerns. I view my STBX like a sister. No desire for intimacy, wish the best for her in life.
Your interactions with your STBXW will naturally drop off dramatically with time as you each continue to establish your own separate life and routine, so she should naturally stop asking you for things. However, if you can easily fix her phone it seems reasonable because a working cell phone is important if she needs to get in touch with you about the kids, when she isn't home.

To me it sounds like your new woman is just insecure. If you can discuss and remedy the insecurities in your relationship then these little issues shouldn't bother her too much. Have you thought about just sitting her down and reassuring her that she is the #1 woman in your life and helping with the phone won't change that?
 
#33,690 ·
To me it sounds like your new woman is just insecure. If you can discuss and remedy the insecurities in your relationship then these little issues shouldn't bother her too much. Have you thought about just sitting her down and reassuring her that she is the #1 woman in your life and helping with the phone won't change that?
DISAGREE. She is right, not insecure. She is looking to protect the relationship, as should Guy. The ex wife needs to look elsewhere for assistance unless it has to do with their kids. Now if they are both unattached, they can have whatever kind of friendship they wish, but once significant others are in the picture, then boundaries need to be put in place and enforced. Respect the relationships, always.
 
#33,691 ·
DISAGREE. She is right, not insecure. She is looking to protect the relationship, as should Guy. The ex wife needs to look elsewhere for assistance unless it has to do with their kids. Now if they are both unattached, they can have whatever kind of friendship they wish, but once significant others are in the picture, then boundaries need to be put in place and enforced. Respect the relationships, always.
I guess we'll have to disagree on this one. But from an objective point of view she has been involved in a short term relationship with a married man. There are bound to be insecurity issues with that situation that she is going to want validated. I also tend to post replies based on what is best for my personality type, of course recognizing that everyone is different so there isn't a "right" or "wrong" way to deal with situations. My personality type is to not give up control to an insecure partner, but instead address the root cause of their insecurities as a way of validating and directly working on the underlying problem. Putting up relationship boundaries is fine with some people, but doesn't get to the core issues with other people. I don't know Guy well enough to have an idea of what works best for him.
 
#33,693 ·
What kind of boundaries do you have with your exes?

My D will be finalized next month. Been dating a woman for 4 months now. Yesterday, STBX called crying because she couldn't get her iPhone to restore and she had a dead cell phone until then. I'm a computer guy, so I remoted into her computer and helped.

The girlfriend said after the D is finalized, she doesn't want me doing anything like this. She doesn't want to get hurt. I had to put myeslf in her shoes to understand what she's feeling. I imagined her talking with an ex boyfriend and helping him with a cooking/recipe question. That definitely bothered me. I told her that I'll keep interaction with her only on co-parenting issues after we are officially split.

Are her concerns valid? At first, it kind of pissed me off. Thought she was being controlling and crazy. But I think I now understand her concerns. I view my STBX like a sister. No desire for intimacy, wish the best for her in life.
I have to agree with the statement your gf is insecure. Its the little things that go a long way to having a good co-parenting relationship down the road. If you can help your X and you have the time and want to, do it. It will help when you need a favor with the kids. It will naturally fall off as you move along. I know when I first divorced I called my ex about a few things concerning the house. Now I almost never do nor does he. But it has created good vibes between us and our relationship tends to be friendly and not contentious.

Until the gf is the wife, she really cannot tell you not to help your ex. That is WAY over the line IMHO. Your priority is to your kids. If helping the X here and there helps with the kids, so be it. Sounds like your gf must not have kids. Your family comes first.
 
#33,694 ·
I think the insecurity comes that I'm still legally married, so she's protecting herself. That's what she tells me, and I get it. She has two kids, the dad sees them in the summer for 2 months (lives across country).

I'll just have to be careful for a while to make sure I'm detaching. I did go to a dinner at a friend's house early in our relationship and the STBX showed up later and had dinner with us (I didn't know she was going to show up). That didn't go well for obvious reasons with my g/f and don't want that to happen again.

I told her after the D is final, I'll only interact with her if it affects my kids.
 
#33,695 ·
I have to agree with the statement your gf is insecure. Its the little things that go a long way to having a good co-parenting relationship down the road. If you can help your X and you have the time and want to, do it. It will help when you need a favor with the kids. It will naturally fall off as you move along. I know when I first divorced I called my ex about a few things concerning the house. Now I almost never do nor does he. But it has created good vibes between us and our relationship tends to be friendly and not contentious.

Until the gf is the wife, she really cannot tell you not to help your ex. That is WAY over the line IMHO. Your priority is to your kids. If helping the X here and there helps with the kids, so be it. Sounds like your gf must not have kids. Your family comes first.
I don't draw the conclusion the GF is insecure by her statement. She is suggesting he place a boundary with his STBXW that is reasonable. The STBXW is not a sister, or safe opposite sex friend. She is an ex, someone who he had sex with. He may not intend to have sex with her ever again, but given the right combination of circumstances intentions are meaningless.

The GF could be suggesting it from a place of insecurity, or could just be offering a healthy boundary that she would like to see him make. He can either agree or disagree.

I'm very careful not to 'help' my EX out. I won't go to her place to fix a leaky toilet, or help her change the tire on her car. She lost that benefit when we divorced. She can find a new man, pay someone or figure it out for herself. There are many women out there who do just fine on there own.
 
#33,696 ·
I think the insecurity comes that I'm still legally married, so she's protecting herself. That's what she tells me, and I get it. She has two kids, the dad sees them in the summer for 2 months (lives across country).

I'll just have to be careful for a while to make sure I'm detaching. I did go to a dinner at a friend's house early in our relationship and the STBX showed up later and had dinner with us (I didn't know she was going to show up). That didn't go well for obvious reasons with my g/f and don't want that to happen again.

I told her after the D is final, I'll only interact with her if it affects my kids.

She chose to date a married man. She should be insecure. A married man is not detached because he is still married (even if its "only" in a legal sense). Your boundaries are appropriate. But your gf is in the wrong.
 
#33,697 ·
I'm very careful not to 'help' my EX out. I won't go to her place to fix a leaky toilet, or help her change the tire on her car. She lost that benefit when we divorced. She can find a new man, pay someone or figure it out for herself. There are many women out there who do just fine on there own.
THIS. End of.
 
#33,698 ·
What kind of boundaries do you have with your exes?

My D will be finalized next month. Been dating a woman for 4 months now. Yesterday, STBX called crying because she couldn't get her iPhone to restore and she had a dead cell phone until then. I'm a computer guy, so I remoted into her computer and helped.

The girlfriend said after the D is finalized, she doesn't want me doing anything like this. She doesn't want to get hurt. I had to put myeslf in her shoes to understand what she's feeling. I imagined her talking with an ex boyfriend and helping him with a cooking/recipe question. That definitely bothered me. I told her that I'll keep interaction with her only on co-parenting issues after we are officially split.

Are her concerns valid? At first, it kind of pissed me off. Thought she was being controlling and crazy. But I think I now understand her concerns. I view my STBX like a sister. No desire for intimacy, wish the best for her in life.
I think this is a question each of us would answer differently. And current SOs would respond to differently. Even after I found out about the OW, my ex wanted me to know that he was there for me. He said if I needed anything, all I'd have to do was ask. And I'm sure the girlfriend was made aware that this was his intent. Once I learned of her, however, there is no way I will ask him for help. I will not make him feel needed or useful to me in any way. I will relentlessly search the web for Youtube videos to figure something out before I will ask him for help. The worst thing I can do to him is to not feed his narcissism and to not need him.

But that's based on my situation. My son is in college, and I am able to limit my interactions with my ex. If I were in a relationship, I am not sure how I would feel about being on the other side of it. I guess I may feel a little concerned, but there are so many factors, including co-parenting and the motives behind why you'd want to help her.

I suppose the bottom line is that I just don't think it's a one answer fits all question. :)
 
#33,700 ·
I'm very careful not to 'help' my EX out. I won't go to her place to fix a leaky toilet, or help her change the tire on her car. She lost that benefit when we divorced. She can find a new man, pay someone or figure it out for herself. There are many women out there who do just fine on there own.
THIS. End of.

Right after my STBXW walked away, her car broke down, the washer broke, the waterpump failed, the vacuum broke. She asked me to help but I said no, she had fired me.

Although, the single neighbor stepped up and helped, but that is a story for another time.
 
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