Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #16 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-14-2013, 07:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
I sure believe it! My grandparents were married until the day my grandmother died (but one of them was an alcoholic).

One set of uncle/aunt were married until the day my uncle died (but one of them had mental problems and spent money faster than they made it).

Another uncle/aunt were married until my uncle died (but, again, one was an alcoholic).

Why is it so inconceivable that I am "happier" (god I love that term, too!!!) than they were? I am not yoked to an alcoholic. I am no longer yoked to a selfish, self-centered spendthrift. I work hard (and smart); I save my money (my ex NEVER did). I am finally feeling more financially secure, am around positive people (my ex considers everyone except himself an a-hole), and have a peaceful existence without having to walk on eggshells (since I no longer have to worry about 'what' will set off ex's explosive temper).

If my relatives believed that they were getting a 'better' place in Heaven because they stayed together in a hellish marriage, so be it! Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. If *that* is what it takes to get to Heaven, then I'm sure I'll be enjoying Hades with my friends and fellow life-enjoyers who realize that this life may, in fact, be all there is. Why waste it?

I agree with you, not to mention that because you can divorce people now actually seek help for their drinking, addiction, and mental health problems when they realize its breaking their marriage. Before people could be stuck with a spouse that didn't want to change and that's where the " he/she is never gonna change" mentality comes from.
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post #17 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-14-2013, 10:02 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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I agree with you, not to mention that because you can divorce people now actually seek help for their drinking, addiction, and mental health problems when they realize its breaking their marriage. Before people could be stuck with a spouse that didn't want to change and that's where the " he/she is never gonna change" mentality comes from.
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This. How many times have you read on TAM about this very situation? Spouse has issues they don't feel a need to deal with until divorce papers get filed, then they suddenly start shaping up.
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post #18 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-14-2013, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Perhaps I chose the wrong words when I used "me generation".
It was not to point to one particular generation, but rather to the more and more prevalent feeling that everything and everyone must be about "me", or I'll just walk out.

There was no ill meant toward those who divorce, sometimes you are not even given any options for change. And I know the pain, having had my first wife, without even a prior hint of trouble, announce one night that she just did not love me any more, and was moving her stuff out the next day. No chance for even trying to solve whatever problems she perceived in her mind.

Yes, after 25 plus years, we still have some pretty heavy arguments, and sometimes one of us will say something that gives the other cause for a "what the hell is that about" moment, but there has never been the fear that anything will destroy our marriage, except for the mutually held idea that cheating would be a definite game ender for both of us.

As for the poster who said that people no longer have to take crap....there is always crap that must be dealt with. I'm not talking about physical abuse or tolerating cheating, just trivial crap that gets blown way out of proportion; like not making a big deal about a new outfit, or not buying a card for some occasion, or looking at an attractive stranger.
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post #19 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-14-2013, 02:23 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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A good marriage is about waiting for the right person. The person you marry must share your core values. You need to look for someone who in their core matches you. To do this you must first know who you are and what you believe.

You also need the patience to search for what you desire and look past the outside. I have seen friends marry because she was beautiful but inside she was a total beach. As her looks faded so did the relationship. I have friends who have good marriages because they waited, looked past exterior beauty and found a compatible mate.
ridiculously well said. hats off to you.
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post #20 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-15-2013, 05:41 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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A good marriage is about waiting for the right person. The person you marry must share your core values. You need to look for someone who in their core matches you. To do this you must first know who you are and what you believe.

You also need the patience to search for what you desire and look past the outside. I have seen friends marry because she was beautiful but inside she was a total beach. As her looks faded so did the relationship. I have friends who have good marriages because they waited, looked past exterior beauty and found a compatible mate.

The "me" generation is a term given to the late 60s babies because they had more creature comforts growing up. Todays kids have even more comforts. Does that mean they can't carry a meaningful relationship? I hope not.

My children were raised with god, with rules, with character and with responsibility. They know the value of hard work because my wife and I demonstrated that to them. They have self respect, respect for others and love of god and country. I think it's about the example set by the parents not allowing them to be raised without guidance and morals.

So you want a great next generation then step up and raise your children. Teach them the values they will need to carry a relationship that you will be proud of by making kids with values you and they can be proud of.

It starts with you, with example step by you. Teach them god, respect and love by demonstration
.
Love your post BBird1 ..as a couple who has been together since our teens...your words is pretty much how we have lived ...how we view life....love....Responsibility... the raising of children...and nothing is more important at the end of the day....than one's character...



We are not religious people so much...but we are BIG on being careful to always look at our own hand /motivations when we hurt someone else and going to make that right..(sometimes that is not so pretty)....these things MUST be modeled in the home...not go blaming others for things we might have brought upon ourselves...or feeling we are "entitled" .....

We are not overly strict parents .....but very "approachable" with our kids...we talk about it all...careful to explain every possible scenario/ consequence that can arise from various choices in one's life...asking how they would FEEL if this happened to them... sort of thing.... a foundation like this will help in an upcoming marriage... communication skills are HUGE, some humility, forgiveness, when called for.

We allow our children to argue a point...when we listen to them, they listen to us...we want them to search themselves to understand their own positions....to be a contributor to the Good in this world, ..faithful to their word, cautious with their steps...this will help them stand when difficult circumstances come upon them.

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post #21 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-16-2013, 12:46 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Some may have stayed in a crappy M too long it's true. But today we're just as quick to bolt as soon as the going gets a little rough.

You don't have to read many posts here to see that's the case.

Marriage is a commitment to your god (if you have one) and the world that you'll stick with your partner through thick and thin, better or worse, and all that crap. Heck it's even in the vows!

Or until one or the other "isn't happy". How convenient.

This is what I find most frustrating about TAM, and why I've found little helpful advice here. It's not about making it work for both partners, it's more about giving up, moving on and "trying" again. What a sad joke.
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post #22 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-18-2013, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Some may have stayed in a crappy M too long it's true. But today we're just as quick to bolt as soon as the going gets a little rough.

You don't have to read many posts here to see that's the case.

Marriage is a commitment to your god (if you have one) and the world that you'll stick with your partner through thick and thin, better or worse, and all that crap. Heck it's even in the vows!

Or until one or the other "isn't happy". How convenient.

This is what I find most frustrating about TAM, and why I've found little helpful advice here. It's not about making it work for both partners, it's more about giving up, moving on and "trying" again. What a sad joke.
A perfect summary of the gist of my original post and kind of what I see so much of here also.
Please help me, I want a divorce because:
I did not get a big enough present
My husband/wife looked at the attractive person we passed
No rave reviews on new dress/suit
Trivial, shallow, self centered BS.
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post #23 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 01:17 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

You make it sound like marriage was about self-sacrifice... well... it's not to my mind... or it should not be.

If the man sacrifices and the woman sacrifices and both figure they would be better off without that marriage... what is the point of that marriage then again? Making both parties unhappy?

Yes... and sometimes not getting presents or your spouse looking at strangers all the time is a sign for some deeper problems by which the marriage is plagued. Sometimes it is - sometimes it is not.

As for me-generationers. I think it is wrong to expect that your life should be free from hardship. It is not the way the world works... and part of being an responsible adult is to not run away from it... face it... put your smile on your face each day and do your duty... but if a persons life is only hardship... no fun only hardship and sacrifice that person must ask himself or herself if he or she has been searching for hardship (may be without knowing it).

While it is unrealistic to expect your partner to be perfect. Issues: everybody has them and they do not make you a person less worthy of ones partners love... but if both partners make the other unhappy... why safe the marriage?

There is nothing noble about doing your duty and stumbling on if it only makes everybody involved unhappy.

By the way: I do not want a divorce. I am just stating my opinion about marriage in general.
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post #24 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 04:33 AM
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LOL! All of "them"? Everyone? Generalize much?

I think the secret of your longevity lies with the fact that your wife must be a saint...because many women would find it difficult to listen to a man spout this kind of self-aggrandizing nonsense.
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post #25 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 07:13 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Originally Posted by AlmostYoung View Post
Some may have stayed in a crappy M too long it's true. But today we're just as quick to bolt as soon as the going gets a little rough.

You don't have to read many posts here to see that's the case.

Marriage is a commitment to your god (if you have one) and the world that you'll stick with your partner through thick and thin, better or worse, and all that crap. Heck it's even in the vows!
This depends.... I don't feel anyone should remain in a marriage, for instance, if they need depression drugs to cope, any form of abuse, sexlessness..... if one partner presents themselves as stubborn as a mule, refuses to get help, at every turn is cold, callous, refuses sex, affection, connection... gives the silent treatment...

These are the killers right here >>

Quote:
1.Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything, faultfinding.
No Criticism Please!

2. Contempt- the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn. The state of being despised; dishonor; disgrace.
The Danger of Contempt

3. Defensiveness- Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships

4. Stonewalling - or 'the silent treatment' Stonewalling in Abuse
My Mom and Dad's marriage was a trainwreck, best thing they ever did was divorce and I say this as being a casualty. My father went on much happiness with my step Mother.

It will always take 2 - opening up the lines of communication, willing to listen, humbly admit where they have failed...with a heart willing to climb that mountain together to recapture what was lost between them...

One can offer so much time ... do the "LOVE DARE"... to soften their heart and bring them back to the marriage... but we have to have some boundaries on what we will accept to..... or it will become a Co-dependent miserable existence...Vows were never meant to be reduced to something like that... as they clearly speak about loving each other, "to have and to hold".... and to cherish..



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post #26 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 10:12 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Love your post BBird1

We allow our children to argue a point...when we listen to them, they listen to us...we want them to search themselves to understand their own positions....to be a contributor to the Good in this world, ..faithful to their word, cautious with their steps...this will help them stand when difficult circumstances come upon them.
Thank you it's nice to know there are other parents much like us. As for god i think we all to some extent know we are not some cosmic mistake though exactly what we believe is yet shrouded. Either way it sounds like you have strong morals and character that guide your hands from day to day. I am sure you've passed these morals on to your children.

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
We allow our children to argue a point...when we listen to them, they listen to us...we want them to search themselves to understand their own positions....to be a contributor to the Good in this world, ..faithful to their word, cautious with their steps...this will help them stand when difficult circumstances come upon them.
I don't count this as arguing. If my children are civil and rational then they are debating or expressing an opposing view point. Sometimes my wife and I have conceded and others we have not. As a result of open dialog we are raising kids who will self advocate in a responsible and polite manner. They I hope will make the right choices even when those choices are not the easy choices.

Hats off to other good parents keep the good fight.
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post #27 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 01:28 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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A perfect summary of the gist of my original post and kind of what I see so much of here also.
Please help me, I want a divorce because:
I did not get a big enough present
My husband/wife looked at the attractive person we passed
No rave reviews on new dress/suit
Trivial, shallow, self centered BS.
Maybe I'm reading different posts than you are but I haven't seen a lot of that here. Yes, I have seen posts saying that a spouse is ogling other people and the person here feels betrayed and disrespected. Usually the advice is to talk to the spouse and let them know how s/he is feeling. If it's a continual matter where the offending spouse does not take the hurt spouse's feelings into consideration, most people here do advise them to get into counseling or get out. Personally, I don't think that this is a trivial matter. It's more about the blatant disrespect than the looking at an attractive stranger.

People here have already suggested that it's not a generational thing and I agree. We have seen our elders put up with things that people should not have to endure like addictions, abuse, cheating, etc. because of the stigma of being a divorced person in days past. It was real and it was unfair, imo.

I'm not saying that there aren't some people who take marriage lightly. Of course there are but I do believe that they are in the minority. For every Brittany Spear or Zsa Zsa Gabor there are thousands of people who take the "til death do us part" seriously and give it their all before giving up. Divorce is too painful as we see here everyday on this board.

"who made up, made up the myth, that we were born to be covered in bliss"
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post #28 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 01:36 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Originally Posted by AlmostYoung View Post
Some may have stayed in a crappy M too long it's true. But today we're just as quick to bolt as soon as the going gets a little rough.

You don't have to read many posts here to see that's the case.

Marriage is a commitment to your god (if you have one) and the world that you'll stick with your partner through thick and thin, better or worse, and all that crap. Heck it's even in the vows!

Or until one or the other "isn't happy". How convenient.

This is what I find most frustrating about TAM, and why I've found little helpful advice here. It's not about making it work for both partners, it's more about giving up, moving on and "trying" again. What a sad joke.
One person in a marriage cannot fix the marriage by themselves. It requires two people to repair and strengthen a marriage.

I don't see any reason why the "unhappy" spouse should stay in a miserable marriage if their spouse isn't committed to repairing and strengthening the marriage so both can be happier.
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post #29 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-19-2013, 10:29 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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One person in a marriage cannot fix the marriage by themselves. It requires two people to repair and strengthen a marriage.

I don't see any reason why the "unhappy" spouse should stay in a miserable marriage if their spouse isn't committed to repairing and strengthening the marriage so both can be happier.
Both parties have to want to stay married. It's really not hard, err, well, until it is. And it can be, and that's ok. But if one spouse is unwilling to even try, see ya, it ain't gonna work.
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post #30 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-20-2013, 08:28 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Both parties have to want to stay married. It's really not hard, err, well, until it is. And it can be, and that's ok. But if one spouse is unwilling to even try, see ya, it ain't gonna work.
This is why CHOOSING a spouse with core values that resemble yours is so vital important. This is why knowing what you want and desire from life and marriage is so important and why knowing yourself is so important as well.
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