Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #31 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-20-2013, 09:34 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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This is why CHOOSING a spouse with core values that resemble yours is so vital important. This is why knowing what you want and desire from life and marriage is so important and why knowing yourself is so important as well.
This will provide a good start and a good basis for marriage. And it is an indicator of future compatibility, but does NOT guarantee it. People change, and not always for the better, they grow apart sometimes in incompatible ways, and other times boredom sets in unless guarded against.

So, your criteria is necessary IMO, but may not be sufficient for the long haul.

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post #32 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-20-2013, 12:35 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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This will provide a good start and a good basis for marriage. And it is an indicator of future compatibility, but does NOT guarantee it. People change, and not always for the better, they grow apart sometimes in incompatible ways, and other times boredom sets in unless guarded against.

So, your criteria is necessary IMO, but may not be sufficient for the long haul.
100% agreed. Nothing is ever 100% certain and nothing works 100% of the time. I just see so many Ds and ask did they really take the time to know one another or was it purely chemical and nothing mentally. You need more than the short term chemistry to make a marriage work. Sooner or later the chemical attractions fades and you are left with a stranger if you are not compatible on more areas of life.

But 100% true people can and do change as they grow up or grow old. Which ever way you view it. Life can also change people and big life issues can take a toll as well. But with a solid base hopefully you would lean heavy on the one person you should share everything with.
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post #33 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-20-2013, 01:10 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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100% agreed. Nothing is ever 100% certain and nothing works 100% of the time. I just see so many Ds and ask did they really take the time to know one another or was it purely chemical and nothing mentally. You need more than the short term chemistry to make a marriage work. Sooner or later the chemical attractions fades and you are left with a stranger if you are not compatible on more areas of life.

But 100% true people can and do change as they grow up or grow old. Which ever way you view it. Life can also change people and big life issues can take a toll as well. But with a solid base hopefully you would lean heavy on the one person you should share everything with.


So true! Choosing a spouse that you know is really compatible is one of the most important things. I was engaged to a woman who demonstrated a lack of commitment towards a variety of things. I should have known that that could equally apply to me. She was on her own for awhile had an EA and broke off our engagement. I was lucky because we probably would have ended up divorced anyway as she did a few years later with the OM. Even of she hadn't cheated our method of resolving conflicts was lacking and we would have had more issues build up to cause long term resentments.

I took extreme care to choose someone who was a much better fit emotionally, idealistically and practically than I chose the first time. One of the key filters was to find someone whose strategy at resolving conflicts was compatible with mine. Being able to resolve conflicts while working for the same general goals is what helped my marriage through difficult times.

It's not enough to have a notion of commitment. One needs to have compatible ways to ensure the commitment nurtures each spouse and helps them evolve together.

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post #34 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-21-2013, 01:58 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Don't you think that approach is a little bit to "rational choice" when it comes to love + marriage?
Never "fell for" somebody even though you realise he was just the opposit of you but you could not help it?

Last edited by betulanana; 08-21-2013 at 02:16 AM.
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post #35 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-21-2013, 08:56 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Don't you think that approach is a little bit to "rational choice" when it comes to love + marriage?
Never "fell for" somebody even though you realise he was just the opposit of you but you could not help it?
Perhaps for some it's a bit too rational. But it is something to strive for. Being rational is this way is being true to yourself despite the love buzz. One needs to realize that the fog obscures reality and may lead you down the wrong path.

And yes, I have fallen for someone not my type and it felt sooo good. Reason won out over the love buzz thankfully. Being in touch with what I really want out of life and knowing how to achieve it helped me make the right decisions to keep my marriage stable.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
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post #36 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-21-2013, 12:05 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Hmmmm

In past generations women were less empowered economically.

Divorce and marriage rates are probably not the best indicator of happiness.
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post #37 of 91 (permalink) Old 08-30-2013, 07:00 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Also - how many "me" generation folks here on TAM are the ones who immediately suggest divorce the moment there's any hint of a problem? That you "only live once" and that "you are too young for that." There are different expectations from or for spouses these days, and I'd say thoughts about sex have vastly changed.

Culture as a whole has changed, trying to say its just one group out of the whole spectrum is kind of off.
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post #38 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 11:59 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Till death us do part seems like an insane thing to vow to anyone. But I suppose it depends on what your values are with regards to life. Do you value committment over learning, journey, development etc. I agree that many people maybe come and go from marriage and/or committment too quickly, but I don't believe that one should sacrifice one's happiness, integrity, journey in life simply because one made a committment however many years ago to someone who at the time was the right person to be with.

How can we know where we will be and how we will develop in 15, 20, 30 years? Can we promise that we will be the same person? Can we promise we will not change? Can we promise that we are the full embodiment of ourselves at the age we got married? Doesn't make sense to me one bit. We are all on a journey and carry our baggage with us.

I am not sure I see the big tragedy in breaking the contract of marriage. If the only reason to stay is because we have committed, that is not reason enough for me. Though we may go through rough patches and that is true of any relationship we have in life, we only learn by working it through and communicating, but sometimes in order to move forward we need to let go, and sometimes we need to work it through. Neither solution is more valuable than the other.
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post #39 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 12:28 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

"I am not sure I see the big tragedy in breaking the contract of marriage."

^^^ LOL

Well then, you have 3 options.

1. Don't get married.

2. Change your vows to something you can agree with.

3. Profess the standard vows before your god and families, file for D, and admit your integrity blows.
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post #40 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 04:17 PM
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Re: Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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Till death us do part seems like an insane thing to vow to anyone. But I suppose it depends on what your values are with regards to life. Do you value committment over learning, journey, development etc. I agree that many people maybe come and go from marriage and/or committment too quickly, but I don't believe that one should sacrifice one's happiness, integrity, journey in life simply because one made a committment however many years ago to someone who at the time was the right person to be with.

How can we know where we will be and how we will develop in 15, 20, 30 years? Can we promise that we will be the same person? Can we promise we will not change? Can we promise that we are the full embodiment of ourselves at the age we got married? Doesn't make sense to me one bit. We are all on a journey
I assume you believe the journey is an individual activity and mutuality exclusive of your partner's? I don't find it to be that way.


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post #41 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-08-2014, 04:56 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

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The only reason divorce is more common now is because people aren't willing to put up with so much crap as they did before because of society. Women now can live independently without having to worry about the views on divorced women. And men don't have to hid the fact that they married a cheating tramp and can show her the door and lock it too.
Imagine the stigma behind this in the old days! Just think about the stigma of it today, this scenario leaves guys completely crushed.
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post #42 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-09-2014, 01:29 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

I think too many people go into marriage without due thought and consideration because they know they can bail as soon as the shine wears off. Work on it? Why, when there's surely something better out there. It's not a vow, it's a parking permit. I want to park in that space for a while and if I'm not happy, I'll just drive off.
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post #43 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-09-2014, 07:41 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

We live in a disposable society. If something goes wrong throw it away. There is not longer a negative stigma that goes along with divorce. Instead of trying to fix it, throw it away. Women are no longer economically dependent upon men, so they are less inclined to stay in bad relationships (that may be good). Morals are lower than past generations. There are many things contributing to less commitment. Companies were committed to their employees at one time, you no longer see that happen. My parents, uncles and aunts, etc all stayed married. Both my children had broken relationships. Most of my nephews and nieces have been divorced. I took my marriage vows very seriously. I really thought, this is for life. Divorce was not an option. I do not think that mindset is common anymore.
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post #44 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-09-2014, 03:53 PM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

I am from Gen X... I am also the youngest of my family, and had a crappy upbringing in a rather toxic household filled with years of animosity. I longed for a happy family. I found, at age 20, someone else who said he also wanted the white picket fence. He said all of the right things. We married ridiculously young- I was barely 21. Five years later we had a child (our only).

I put up with 11 years of abuse before I left, and I did so after he refused to get counseling. I guess I am somewhat bothered by being lumped into this formula, as I tried, and wanted to make things work. But by the time I walked I was so emotionally detached there was nothing left to save.

I'm happier now alone, still struggling with bouts of PTSD and major trust issues. I am hoping that now that I am older, wiser, and more in tune to things that really matter... that some day I can find peace and happiness faith someone.

When I read some of these stories about men that would do anything to bring their wife back it makes me so sad... some people really have no idea. If nothing else my life has taught me how unimportant so many things are -- the big house, the super hot spouse, and even that picket fence...

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post #45 of 91 (permalink) Old 01-10-2014, 08:48 AM
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Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

You're right, Pepper; people get caught up in materialism, only to find out that it is what is inside that counts.

Thanks for your post.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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