We always seem critical of each other
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Old 05-26-2010, 01:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default We always seem critical of each other

Hia Folks

My hubby + I have been married 20 years (together 25)

Sex life seems a bit non-existent but when we do make the effort (about every 6-8 weeks) it's pretty good and we feel close again.

In between the sex, it's the occasional hug, though we do kiss every day before/after work + bedtime. I suppose that's something.

My issue here, is that we seem critical of each other over pretty much everything. We have no sympathy when it comes to feeling unwell, even when it's a cold. We have our little habits which irritate both of us.

We just need to turn a corner, be a bit more loving, and praise each other a bit more.

Old habits are hard to break.... any inspiration please?
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: We always seem critical of each other

Seems like yall have fallen into the roommate dilemma. When sex is only once every 6-8 weeks it shows the tight bond between spouses is lessened. What are the reasons yall are only having sex so infrequently, can you make any guesses?

Have yall tried going on a date night once a weeks where it's just you two together? Why not try sitting together on the couch and have him hold you while yall watch tv? Try holding hands when you go out together.

Have you both tried taking the love language test? It's a test to show in what ways you each want the other to express your love.

Assessments | Five Love Languages
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: We always seem critical of each other

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Originally Posted by Crypsys View Post
Seems like yall have fallen into the roommate dilemma. When sex is only once every 6-8 weeks it shows the tight bond between spouses is lessened. What are the reasons yall are only having sex so infrequently, can you make any guesses?

Have yall tried going on a date night once a weeks where it's just you two together? Why not try sitting together on the couch and have him hold you while yall watch tv? Try holding hands when you go out together.

Have you both tried taking the love language test? It's a test to show in what ways you each want the other to express your love.

Assessments | Five Love Languages
"Yall?" New word to add to the English Dictionary

Yep, there's one or two reasons for not having nookie so frequently.... do I need to list them? One is because we have teenagers, second is I'm knackered when I go to bed and often go to sleep before he does. BUT having teenagers means they ARE out of the house sometimes and we do have the house to ourselves!!! No excuse really is there??

We do have the occasional date night now and that's enjoyable.

As for sitting on the couch, we are usually at different ends of the couch watching TV. But, I WOULD like to move out of my cosy corner and snuggle up to him. He's NOT the snuggling up to kinda person, but I KNOW he would like it!!

If we are out and about together, we often hold hands.

Going to read the Five Love Languages now, see what that's all about.
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Old 05-26-2010, 11:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: We always seem critical of each other

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"Yall?" New word to add to the English Dictionary
I'm from Texas, yall means you all (all of you),both of you, etc.

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Yep, there's one or two reasons for not having nookie so frequently.... do I need to list them? One is because we have teenagers, second is I'm knackered when I go to bed and often go to sleep before he does. BUT having teenagers means they ARE out of the house sometimes and we do have the house to ourselves!!! No excuse really is there??
We have 3 boys (9, 6, 2) and a 4th on the way. We make time to be intimate together. We tell the kids it's mom and dads alone time, we go upstairs and lock the door. There isn't any reason to hide the fact that you have sex from your children (I'm not saying do it in front of them) but you don't have to keep it a deep and dark secret. It's healthy for them to see both of you as an example as what to do. It gives them that basis on how to act when they get married.

It seems like sex is generally overlooked by busy people as one of the first things to go. Yet, what we don't often realize is that as sex goes so does the marriage. It's generally really hard to hate/dislike/or be angry at someone you are intimate with on a frequent basis. It allows for us to connect to one another and bond. We are sexual creatures and it's the one thing that is different between a relationship and a friend.

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As for sitting on the couch, we are usually at different ends of the couch watching TV. But, I WOULD like to move out of my cosy corner and snuggle up to him. He's NOT the snuggling up to kinda person, but I KNOW he would like it!!
I am not either, for me touch is not one of my love languages. But my wife let me know how important touch was for her. With me knowing how important it is I make it a point to touch her a lot. Try telling your hubby you'd like him to sit with you and hold you. Let him know what you are wanting and you may very well be surprised! Also, ask him what things he would like as well.

My wife and I generally never get mad at each other or fight. I've found in 11 years of marriage the times ARE fighting is when our intimacy is lacking. Whenever the time frame moves from every 2-3 days to a week or more, every time it does we start fighting. After we work together to solve the issues and be come intimate again the fighting goes away.

That's why that love test I gave you is so great. It's a good starting way for both of you to show each other what areas are important to you.

Last edited by Crypsys; 05-26-2010 at 11:22 AM.
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Old 05-30-2010, 02:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: We always seem critical of each other

A marriage retreat would probably do you a lot of good. Finding a way to fall in love again is what you need. Wishing you the best!
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Old 05-30-2010, 05:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: We always seem critical of each other

Thanx folks... it's there, we just gotta find it again, and both of us are willing to do that :-)
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Old 09-01-2010, 04:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: We always seem critical of each other

I think you should start making the changes. Since you feel that things arent right anymore, then it wouldnt hurt to make the necessary efforts to make it right agian. anyway he is your husband and chances are you're gonna be spending the rest of your life together so it wouldnt be too much to do everything to make it right. who knows, he might even be responsive to the changes and you wouldnt have to put up too much effort?
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