Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??
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Old 09-01-2010, 03:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

Hia Folks

I am not sure hubby and I love each other like we should!!! If I ask, he says he doesnt know. And I am not sure either.

But we have been married 21 years and have two teenagers, and enjoy a good life.

But he irritates me sometimes. I am guessing this is normal. I expect I irritate him too.

There's stuff I would/wouldnt do if I "really" loved him. Which suggests to me I dont really love him like I should.

WHEN we have sex, it's really good. But I try to avoid it a lot of the time, even though I KNOW it makes us feel closer.

Im confused!!
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Old 09-01-2010, 04:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

Each couple have their own unique way of being intimate to each other. I believe you do love your husband and that he loves you too but never really had the opportunity to say it in words or say it to him.
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Old 09-02-2010, 11:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

I know what you mean. My wife and I had the same questions and had a good life but it seemed something was missing. I was a very unhappy person even though I had a loving wife and two great kids. My wife tried so hard to make me happy to the point she was exhausted. She gave up hope and built up a wall in her heart for me and planned her exit from our marriage. We almost lost each other but by the grace of God we did not. We all search and try to depend on each other to make us happy but we are only human and at some point we will disappoint one another. In order to find true happiness we must feel that void we have in our hearts with Gods love. I was far from a religious person and never went to church growing up but my life had just hit rock bottom and I was so hurt and alone I knew I needed something in my life. I found God and by his grace, love, and support we are rebuilding our marriage.
I wish you the best and I pray things work out. I hope that you dont have to endure as much suffering and pain me and my wife put each other thru before turning our lives over to God.
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Old 09-02-2010, 06:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

Married going on 21 years myself.

The irritation you are feeling, that is interfereing with the attraction, doing the things you are mentioning you "would" be doing if you loved him.

Understand this, all romance and love talk aside, I will speak bluntly.

The irritation is caused by resentment.

Resentment, it fills the very place that would be the exciting desire you felt for your man.

And over 21 years of you two together, now is resentment build up.

Sometimes a big thing, such as an affair, or just as likely, the million little things over the years has in creeped resentment like a thief in the night.

And it is just this, so many things over the course of a relationship, the things we do to swallow our pride, or to avoid a fight, or hold back our feelings to spare our partner's feelings.

So we put our partner before us, and eventually, we find over years we have built in ourselves and our behaviors, and all these we eventually built in the relationship, these behaviors that simply just putting ourselves last.

And when we put ourselves last, and we do not perceive it is appreciated or even noticed, well, then you have this.

So the solution, pay attention to the things in your relationship that make you feel like you are swalling your pride, or that irritate you, or that you simply are doing, or are not doing, not because it is what YOU want, but because you think it is some sacrifice you are making for HIS happiness.

These things, you are needing to stop doing what does not make you happy, and start doing more that makes you happy.

And to do this right, you need to communicate with your husband these things, not being upset, but being calm and direct.

And to do this really right, will be to allow your husband to communicate to you, know doubt, the many things your husband as well does or does not do, for these same reasons, putting you above his happiness, and that in himself is creating resentment as well.

To work on eliminating the resentment between you two, this is the way to find again the sexual attraction you are missing.

As it was when you were first together, is is the same when any man and woman are first meeting, the sexual attraction thrives because we are intimate and open, and there is not yet the resentment clouding this openess, resentment that comes from these less than honest "sacrifices" that we all tend to think is what will make someone else happy.

Sadly, the opposite is true.

Instead, to make ourselves happy and having the courage to be honest with our partners is the TRUE way to build a relationship minimizing resentment and keeping sexual attraction, even after 21 years!

I wish you well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DameEdna View Post
Hia Folks

I am not sure hubby and I love each other like we should!!! If I ask, he says he doesnt know. And I am not sure either.

But we have been married 21 years and have two teenagers, and enjoy a good life.

But he irritates me sometimes. I am guessing this is normal. I expect I irritate him too.

There's stuff I would/wouldnt do if I "really" loved him. Which suggests to me I dont really love him like I should.

WHEN we have sex, it's really good. But I try to avoid it a lot of the time, even though I KNOW it makes us feel closer.

Im confused!!
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

Quote:
Originally Posted by january80 View Post
I know what you mean. My wife and I had the same questions and had a good life but it seemed something was missing. I was a very unhappy person even though I had a loving wife and two great kids. My wife tried so hard to make me happy to the point she was exhausted. She gave up hope and built up a wall in her heart for me and planned her exit from our marriage. We almost lost each other but by the grace of God we did not. We all search and try to depend on each other to make us happy but we are only human and at some point we will disappoint one another. In order to find true happiness we must feel that void we have in our hearts with Gods love. I was far from a religious person and never went to church growing up but my life had just hit rock bottom and I was so hurt and alone I knew I needed something in my life. I found God and by his grace, love, and support we are rebuilding our marriage.
I wish you the best and I pray things work out. I hope that you dont have to endure as much suffering and pain me and my wife put each other thru before turning our lives over to God.
AWESOME
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
gfl
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Default Re: Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBadWolf View Post
Married going on 21 years myself.

The irritation you are feeling, that is interfereing with the attraction, doing the things you are mentioning you "would" be doing if you loved him.

Understand this, all romance and love talk aside, I will speak bluntly.

The irritation is caused by resentment.

Resentment, it fills the very place that would be the exciting desire you felt for your man.

And over 21 years of you two together, now is resentment build up.

Sometimes a big thing, such as an affair, or just as likely, the million little things over the years has in creeped resentment like a thief in the night.

And it is just this, so many things over the course of a relationship, the things we do to swallow our pride, or to avoid a fight, or hold back our feelings to spare our partner's feelings.

So we put our partner before us, and eventually, we find over years we have built in ourselves and our behaviors, and all these we eventually built in the relationship, these behaviors that simply just putting ourselves last.

And when we put ourselves last, and we do not perceive it is appreciated or even noticed, well, then you have this.

So the solution, pay attention to the things in your relationship that make you feel like you are swalling your pride, or that irritate you, or that you simply are doing, or are not doing, not because it is what YOU want, but because you think it is some sacrifice you are making for HIS happiness.

These things, you are needing to stop doing what does not make you happy, and start doing more that makes you happy.

And to do this right, you need to communicate with your husband these things, not being upset, but being calm and direct.

And to do this really right, will be to allow your husband to communicate to you, know doubt, the many things your husband as well does or does not do, for these same reasons, putting you above his happiness, and that in himself is creating resentment as well.

To work on eliminating the resentment between you two, this is the way to find again the sexual attraction you are missing.

As it was when you were first together, is is the same when any man and woman are first meeting, the sexual attraction thrives because we are intimate and open, and there is not yet the resentment clouding this openess, resentment that comes from these less than honest "sacrifices" that we all tend to think is what will make someone else happy.

Sadly, the opposite is true.

Instead, to make ourselves happy and having the courage to be honest with our partners is the TRUE way to build a relationship minimizing resentment and keeping sexual attraction, even after 21 years!

I wish you well.
WOW That didnt even cost countless hours in sessions ...GREAT STUFF GUYS!!!
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Old 09-13-2010, 05:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 21 years. I obviously love him dont I??

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBadWolf View Post
Married going on 21 years myself.

The irritation you are feeling, that is interfereing with the attraction, doing the things you are mentioning you "would" be doing if you loved him.

Understand this, all romance and love talk aside, I will speak bluntly.

The irritation is caused by resentment.

Resentment, it fills the very place that would be the exciting desire you felt for your man.

And over 21 years of you two together, now is resentment build up.

Sometimes a big thing, such as an affair, or just as likely, the million little things over the years has in creeped resentment like a thief in the night.

And it is just this, so many things over the course of a relationship, the things we do to swallow our pride, or to avoid a fight, or hold back our feelings to spare our partner's feelings.

So we put our partner before us, and eventually, we find over years we have built in ourselves and our behaviors, and all these we eventually built in the relationship, these behaviors that simply just putting ourselves last.

And when we put ourselves last, and we do not perceive it is appreciated or even noticed, well, then you have this.

So the solution, pay attention to the things in your relationship that make you feel like you are swalling your pride, or that irritate you, or that you simply are doing, or are not doing, not because it is what YOU want, but because you think it is some sacrifice you are making for HIS happiness.

These things, you are needing to stop doing what does not make you happy, and start doing more that makes you happy.

And to do this right, you need to communicate with your husband these things, not being upset, but being calm and direct.

And to do this really right, will be to allow your husband to communicate to you, know doubt, the many things your husband as well does or does not do, for these same reasons, putting you above his happiness, and that in himself is creating resentment as well.

To work on eliminating the resentment between you two, this is the way to find again the sexual attraction you are missing.

As it was when you were first together, is is the same when any man and woman are first meeting, the sexual attraction thrives because we are intimate and open, and there is not yet the resentment clouding this openess, resentment that comes from these less than honest "sacrifices" that we all tend to think is what will make someone else happy.

Sadly, the opposite is true.

Instead, to make ourselves happy and having the courage to be honest with our partners is the TRUE way to build a relationship minimizing resentment and keeping sexual attraction, even after 21 years!

I wish you well.
Thanx "Bigbadwolf" for your honestly and "bluntness"

You have kinda hit the nail on the head as far as "resentment" is concerned. Everything you have said regarding that is true. There IS a lot of resentment that has built up over the years. Between us both. We both like a quiet life, and argue very little. Neither of us would (for example) ASK if the other was having an affair for fear of the truth. We plod along quite happily. Yet there is definitely resentment there. And it's been going on for so long, I havent a clue how to change it.
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