Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions"... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-02-2014, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

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Thank you, good stuff, as always. I'll check out the book. I think I’ve been pretty good about asking, but not always so good at getting more than a blank stare.
A blank stare....Oh No!... Does this have anything to do with what you are asking !@#

I can't say myself or H has ever ignored or tried to get out of a question.... but there was a moment..where the question was asinine on my behalf & he brushed me off.... we talked about this a few yrs ago - how we handled this...He wants to blame me...and I am thinking he should have told me what for... (isn't this so common!)...

One night I threw this ridiculous question out to him...Laying in bed, baby in between us...I'm laying there kissing the baby over & over & over again (lost tract of which one)... like an Italian Grandma.. if I had lipstick on, the baby would look like this......he is looking at me... not saying anything.. I really needed hit with a brick...and I said to him... "you're not jealous , are you?"..... Now...he had an opportunity speak his mind...something!@#$.... but instead he just says "No".. and rolls over ... he was upset...and I was too clueless to really grasp how selfish I was being or what he needed.

I've thought back to this time in our lives, where I did these things and asked him why in the world he put up with that...I remembered asking him this...that's when he tells me he felt I had an attitude.... Now honestly I never meant any harm...I wasn't mad - I was happy - He has sex on the brain & I didn't...(this was the issue)...

Thinking about it though... in it's own twisted way, maybe that was a unconscious sh** test of mine, I don't know!... Maybe I wanted him to SAY SOMETHING!!

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Meson said: Intellectual Foreplay looks interesting. Having lost that connection in the past and being lucky enough to have reconnected again six years ago, I don't want to make the same mistake again. Life is busy and she (my wife) is changing and I need to keep up. Great idea!
Yeah...we gotta keep up...don't let any grass grow under our feet...

I asked my H if he ever had a Mid Life Crisis a few yrs ago...on the heels of mine..cause if so, I couldn't tell !....He told me he went through a phase where he was feeling sad -that all the kids were growing so fast... heck I didn't even realize it ~ I don't remember his saying anything about it.. then it passed..

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Yes, TAM satisfies some of my conversation and social needs. But not to a great extent. It actually helps me more with my need to write than anything else!
I seem to have a NEED to write too..



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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-03-2014, 09:12 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

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A blank stare....Oh No!... Does this have anything to do with what you are asking !@#
Ok blank stare a bit dramatic on my part, but I know I can do better and have asked

15. What ways can I improve as a husband/wife?

And get back "nothing". Or worse "take me more seriously" and when asked how to do that or what behaviors she doesn't like I don't get an answer I can act on. (I think this one is usually more work related, but even though you are my wife I can't fix crappy software that I didn't write.)



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-03-2014, 06:13 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

SA -

I love the way you think, and how committed to being "in tune" with your husband you are. Good stuff!

I do have more to say but just got interrupted & have to go...but wanted to once again point out how inspiring you are.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 12:49 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

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Also some people are sapiosexual, and need intelligent conversation moreso (or combined with) intimate conversation.
Sapiosexual. OMG, what an awesome word! I want it!
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-08-2014, 11:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

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Wow sa made me really think! How many times have I done this very thing. I am long past babies....and my hubby seems happier than ever. Is part of that because he now gets my undivided attention?

The dynamics of being a wife and being a parent and balancing those two things can be overwhelming...and we don't think about the jealousy than can be beneath the surface.
The part for me is this... I actually DIDN'T feel overwhelmed, yes we had lots of kids...baby after baby ... but I was ON IT... he's always called me the Energizer bunny ......

There were times I would get irritated with him for falling asleep too early....I just put too much focus on the kids.. I needed more balance in my life.. it just shouldn't have been.. every vacation we took in our 1st 19 yrs ..was focused around "the kids"....what they would enjoy doing/ seeing....never took a romantic vacation..getting away just me & him....

I had a great Aunt who insisted on watching our kids so we could get out alone once a month...after we had our 5th.... sweet of her.... I remember looking across the table in the restaurant at my H and this thought came to me..... "what do we talk about if not the kids?"....that should have been a wake up call to me!!.. Where was my head !@#$%

I will admit...we both LOVE playing Family, it was what we were destined for...... but geez... our bedroom looked something like this.... minus the chicken... the dog is a cat and 3 of those kids are on the floor below us...

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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

I just bought the book. I hope it helps.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 04:29 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

I'm ALWAYS looking for ways to improve our marriage. My wife is very inhibited, especially about sex, so the open-ended questions might or might not lead to her opening up a bit. It's definitely worth a try.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Well, here is one of my follow-up reports...

I am DEFINITELY no expert at this type of questioning! I could tell when we ended up in an argument, LOL! I will say this, though, it ended extremely well. We ended up making up, and the bed got mighty wet! It appears to be working for sure. I just have to learn how to use more tact in application, but heck, I may try to get into another argument if this is the outcome...

I guess I skipped the small talk, and went straight to the intimate stuff first. I know..., that a no-no, and I wouldn't advise others to do that, but in our case it ended extremely well! I LOVE my wife!
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

When I first read the post title, I thought whaaat? Who wants to start an intellectual conversation while you're in the middle of gettin' busy. Now that I've put my glasses on (that's my story), it's easy to see that such convos could lead to enriching your sex life. The only drawback could be that one is uncomfortable talking so deeply - maybe they think they're missing the mark.
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 03:34 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

My wife and I once talked about the letters of St Paul in post-coital bliss.

Can't for the life of me recall why he came up as a topic of conversation.
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