Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions"... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions"...

" Intellectual Foreplay"....it's the name of a book I have...(can click on that link).... it is an invitation for dialogue ..to stay intuned with our lovers... seeking to stay on top of what makes them TICK...what brings them pleasure, but also what irritates them...welcoming their stories / their insights /feelings ... with ears attuned....it's a dance in it's own right...to enrich our ongoing connection...
Although me & my H have always had Lively discussions... feeding off of each other through these past 25 yrs...much and "Wow, I never would have thunk it!...are you serious?!@#$" coming from my lips...he's surprised me at times...yet I missed some of the questions that could have alerted me to his need....I let them slide past me...it was such a simple thing..

5 yrs ago, we got down & dirty with a flurry of communication reaching these places we were missing..... I've always been one good for throwing the Open-Ended Questions out...whether it be with friends, family, even our kids....I look back & wonder how this escaped me...with my own Husband, my dearest friend !

We've had some shocking moments / Emotional moments / some heartfelt remorse.....but also had I not opened this treasure box of digging deeper...some of our most awesome discoveries might still be buried under the surface...it has been a Joy unraveling these!

My husband has become more vulnerable with me as I have shown a deeper interest in him & his world, wanting to revive all we have together....this has brought us closer intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Just something on my to share...



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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 12:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Some articles...

Invitation: The Art of Good Questions

Asking the Right Questions: How to Deepen Relationships with Open-Ended Questions -

Open-Ended Questions Build Relationships

Open-ended questions are useful when intimacy, connection, and understanding are the goals. They are the Lego blocks of relationships, the small pieces that, when put together over time, create a sense of intimacy, trust, closeness. Asking open-ended questions means “Please share your thoughts and emotions with me. I value you and I value your ideas.”

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Benefits of using Open-Ended Questions

Facilitates enhanced levels of cooperation and understanding
Provides the opportunity for others to express themselves more openly and honestly
Encourages others to provide information including their ideas, concerns & feelings
Assists in creating a positive learning and sharing experience
Allows others to share what is present for them
Shows respect and interest in others
Encourages others to flow with their thoughts and feelings & allows you to support this flow
Demonstrates your willingness to invest time with others
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 12:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

25 Questions All Married Couples Should Ask .......................17 Questions to Ask Your Partner to Deepen Your Connection

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In our busy lives as married couples, one of the most important areas not to neglect is our communication. The more we talk to each other, the more we will know about each other. This will help us respond to our spouse’s needs, wants and desires. In your marriage, don’t take your spouse for granted. Learn to ask important questions throughout every stage. Here are 25 questions to get you started:

1. How am I doing as a husband/wife in general?

2. What are you most excited about in our relationship during this season?

3. If you could see two things change about me what would they be?

4. What ways can I honor you more?

5. What are your biggest fears about our relationship?

6. As a husband/wife, how can I show more love/sensitivity to you?

7. Are you dealing with anything that I can help you with currently?

8. How can we improve our intimacy or take it to the next level?

9. What’s your dream datenight or weekend with me?

10. If you had three wishes to wish for our future, what would they be?

11. What are a few ways I need to be more understanding?

12. What are a few ways you desire to see our finances improve?

13. What are three places within 200 miles that you would like to spend a few days?

14. What strengths do I bring to our relationship?

15. What ways can I improve as a husband/wife?

16. What’s your top three favorite love songs and why?

17. Do you feel more emotionally connected than we did early in our relationship?

18. What are two things we forgot to celebrate this year?

19. What were some things we used to do before we were married that you miss now?

20. What do I need to know most about you right now?

21. Is your love for me growing stronger?

22. What have you learned to appreciate about me that you did not know when we were first married?

23. Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?

24. Do I tell you I love you enough?

25. What ways can we building our friendship more?
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 12:34 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

That is beautiful, SA. Thank you so much for sharing that list.

I am going to ask dh to look at it tomorrow, and maybe we can discuss them over FaceTime.

I really like the ones about how we can improve in our role to one another. Those are hard to hear, though, and even harder to implement.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 12:40 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Thank you for posting this. I requested the book on a site where I swap books.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 09:06 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Excellent posts SA! Thank you for sharing these!
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 09:10 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Thank you SA, very helpful.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 10:02 AM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Thank you, good stuff, as always. I'll check out the book. I think I’ve been pretty good about asking, but not always so good at getting more than a blank stare.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 02:57 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Great post, SA!

Over at Marriage Builders, they address this by making Intimate Conversation one of the basic emotional needs, because they know that if you are not sharing deep, meaningful conversation with your spouse (and you have a need for it), you may end up having it with others...thus providing the fuel for an EA/PA. I don't mean of course that just talking with others will cause an affair. But talking with others and sharing about your feelings and dreams will make you feel close to them. So if you are not doing this with your spouse, you and your spouse both are vulnerable to getting too close with others. (of course if you know this threat exists and have boundaries in place, you'll be ok...MB also teaches about boundaries).

For me, I have big dreams and schemes and plans and ideas and philosophies. My H cannot handle all of the conversation I need. So I know to share the most intimate and most important ones with him, and the other stuff I share with close friends or my mother or sister.

Conversation

Also some people are sapiosexual, and need intelligent conversation moreso (or combined with) intimate conversation.

A person who is strongly attracted to someone’s intelligence is called a “sapiosexual.” - Serious Facts
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 03:09 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Intellectual Foreplay looks interesting. Having lost that connection in the past and being lucky enough to have reconnected again six years ago, I don't want to make the same mistake again. Life is busy and she (my wife) is changing and I need to keep up. Great idea!


I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 03:42 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Good stuff SA. I love Q & A time!!
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-01-2014, 12:43 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

Awesome concept. Thank-you so much for posting this.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-01-2014, 01:45 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

SA, you truly do rock ma'am
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-02-2014, 05:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Over at Marriage Builders, they address this by making Intimate Conversation one of the basic emotional needs, because they know that if you are not sharing deep, meaningful conversation with your spouse (and you have a need for it), you may end up having it with others...thus providing the fuel for an EA/PA.

I don't mean of course that just talking with others will cause an affair. But talking with others and sharing about your feelings and dreams will make you feel close to them. So if you are not doing this with your spouse, you and your spouse both are vulnerable to getting too close with others. (of course if you know this threat exists and have boundaries in place, you'll be ok...MB also teaches about boundaries).

For me, I have big dreams and schemes and plans and ideas and philosophies. My H cannot handle all of the conversation I need. So I know to share the most intimate and most important ones with him, and the other stuff I share with close friends or my mother or sister.
...and TAM ??

Glad you brought this up on Marriage Builders...it really is so very important..I can see how , if a wife didn't get enough of this at home...she would fall into sharing too much elsewhere.. Oh yeah. Or a husband if he felt too much on the back burner, the wife too busy with kids/ her job etc.

I've always been able to take anything & everything to my H... he has never pushed me away , made me feel like I dig too much or want too much.. in this way he satisfies me - so much I really don't think any other man could even compare...oh one could challenge my mind more so - this is not his strong suite -to pick my brain the way I do his.... I have a couple friends in real life for that.. forums have always been an outlet here for me too...

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Also some people are sapiosexual, and need intelligent conversation moreso (or combined with) intimate conversation.

A person who is strongly attracted to someone’s intelligence is called a “sapiosexual.” - Serious Facts
Never heard of this before.. Can't say I am one of these... a little too visually drawn am I...for some conversation to suddenly overshadow the physical ..... now having them both.. Oh my!! that could be a little dangerous!!

I found this on the net >> "Example: Me? I don't care too much about the looks. I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with. I decided this all means that I am sapiosexual."
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 05-02-2014, 06:05 PM
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Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions

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...and TAM ??
Yes, TAM satisfies some of my conversation and social needs. But not to a great extent. It actually helps me more with my need to write than anything else!
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