After thinking i had a strong marriage for 18 years and then having my wife ask for a divorce, it has significantly changed my thinking about relationships. I wonder, for those who maintain a life long marriage, is it actual knowledge that causes them to survive? In other words, are some people just smarter and know how to have a good marriage or do they just get lucky and actually have little idea about what to do? As I read this forum and talk to people in real life, it seems like what people need and want is far more complicated than I ever thought it was or should be. Some want this, others want that. Some seem to make small mistakes, like getting a little boring, and drives their spouse away. Also, think about all the splits that leave one partner totally dazed and confused. Can someone who seems happy suddenly snap and leave at any time? It seems that people from my parents generation didn't expect as much. As long as they were married to a good person who didn't cheat or was abusive and provided, they were happy. Today, it seems like people's expectations are more fairy tale and people will split for what my grandparents would consider lame reasons. After my split after 18 years, how can I actually be happy when my kids one day marry? How will I know that one of them won't snap one day and divorce over puzzling reasons? What advice could I give them that would actually work? Is it luck or knowledge?
You meet the person who clicks with you. Both of you have similar beliefs about life.
For example, my husband and I are both romantic in bed. We both like simple life style. We both agree that he should be the head, and I should be supportive of him, but he knows the responsibility and importance. We are both loners, so it is great that we found each other and now we have each other. We both grow up in the countryside, so we can relate our life a lot. But my husband said something very interesting, he said: Your luck is in your own hands. You find your own luck!!!
But after the luck of finding each other, it is the knowledge keeping us together.
We both know that we should make each other the most important person on our list. We both know running a marriage is not easy, so we are both cautious. We both cherish what we have and we know clearly that we don't want to do anything silly to ruin it. We are both interested in each other's mind and want to share what we learn. We both say positive things to help the other one improve and we don't get offended since we know it is out of love.
It's WORK. It's HARD WORK which is why I believe that the divorce rate is so high.
I was lucky. I learned this late in my marriage, but I learned it. I put as much effort into my relationship with my wife of 30 years as I do as an electronics technician, if not more. The rewards are awesome!!!
I heard someone on an interview say that today, we stand in front of a microwave or the internet saying "Come on, hurry up!" I think this has affected marriage, too. If your spouse doesn't give you instant gratification and validation, well then, throw them away and get a new one!
I think it's both. It's luck that you find that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but it's knowledge and hard work that keeps you together. The thing with knowledge, too, is that it's not just what you know when you get together; it's what you're willing to continue to learn after you're together. If you're willing to open your mind to new theories and ideas and ways of thinking, you stand a better chance of making it work. Marriage, and relationships in general, are not stagnant things; they are constantly changing, redefining and growing. If you insist on continuing to think exactly the same way as you did when you first got together, it's going to be much harder to make it work.
I think, for those that "suddenly snap" and want out, it's not as sudden as it seems to the surprised partner and those around them. It's just that that person did such a good job of putting up a front and pretending to be happy that it seems sudden. And I think a lot of those that do that snapping are the ones that continue to dig in their heels and think the way they did when they first got together. Often, those thoughts are of the fairy tale variety, which means they still expect to be swept off their feet and carried away after 20 years of marriage, when that's just not realistic.
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Can someone who seems happy suddenly snap and leave at any time? ?
Someone who is hiding who they are deep within, or has problems communicating their needs, while piling resentment deep within -unbeknownst to their partner, I believe this can happen.
How was she with others in her life, always putting on a show? With her friends, family? If someone wronged her, did she go to them & let them know, or did she cut them off, forgo communicating to make amends?
Originally Posted by southbound
After my split after 18 years, how can I actually be happy when my kids one day marry? How will I know that one of them won't snap one day and divorce over puzzling reasons? What advice could I give them that would actually work? Is it luck or knowledge?
I think it is more about honest open free flowing COMMUNICATION , than luck or knowledge.
My biggest advice to all of my 6 children will be to find a partner that literally speaks their Primary LOVE LANGUAGES in a similar order as their own (Physical touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts & Acts of Service), if these are greatly out of whack, they will miss understanding each other much more so & the marriage will be more like "WORK". Also choose someone who is humble, does not seem too good to be true, can admit to their faults and quick to resolve any misunderstandings.
I think it's luck when you first meet, but then it's work from then on out. When my W and I were on our honeymoon in Cheju Island in Korea, there was a "wishing well" (one of those "cutesy" things that newlyweds do), and so, I made a wish. I wished that my next project that I was working on wouldn't give me too many hassles!
I did NOT wish for a long happy marriage, because I wasn't dumb enough to think it was going to just happen magically, I knew that I was going to have to work at it.
12 years later, and still good!
Of course, a little old fashioned luck don't hurt, either!
As far as your kids go, you can't change what you can't change....For us, life has flown by...During the days when the children were young we were so busy with baseball, football, Girl things and life, that we clung together at every moment we could...I cringe now thinking of our time at the cottage when the kids were playing at the edge of the water and we would grab a sneaky pete...They weren't real young, but they weren't real old...Maybe 8 thru 14....In allo honesty we have been in love with each other from day one and it has gotten better with age...