credamdóchasgra

I wanted to post this question in the "long term success" forum specifically.

Having realistic expectatons of each other and ourselves is something our therapist wants us to work on, and whenever we have a tiff, my husband tends to think I'm expecting something from him that is unrealistic. Sometimes I can see his point, but I don't always agree; For example, I don't think it's unrealistic to expect him to want to or be able to talk/chat with me on a long drive in the car when I'm doing the driving and I let him know the conversation would keep me alert, after a night of not enough sleep...but if I express that, he acts like I'm inconveniencing him or asking too much of him. So instead of demanding that he see my point of view, I simply initiate the conversation, and he responded minimally.

I try to keep my expectations realistic, and I'm wondering the thoughts on this from people who have been married awhile and are happy.

I expect that he cares for me, respects me, and is happy to be with me (spend time with me, do things with me, talk to me, etc.)
He may perceive that I have unrealistic expectations...but from my pov, it's when i sense he's not expressing one of those 3 basic things, that I have a problem. It's when he sends a message that I'm annoying to him rather than a pleasure to have by his side.
What I can admit is unrealistic for me to expect is for him to agree with me on something if he simply doesn't, say exactly what I want to hear, or respond in a particular way.

So how have you learned in your marriages what your realistic expectations are of your spouse, and do you have any advice for me?
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greeneyeddolphin

Well, we're not married, not too happy at the moment, and I don't know if my expectations are realistic or not (we're working on figuring that out as part of the process of trying to fix us), but I figured I'd share them with you anyway. If nothing else, maybe we'll both find out if we're being unrealistic.

My conscious expectations of him are:

1. Respect - this includes not talking down to me or acting as though I'm an idiot, not trying to control me or tell me what to do.

2. Honesty - I expect him to not lie to me. This also includes not putting on a happy face when we have a problem, but instead being honest and telling me that he feels we have a problem and what it is.

3. Consideration - While I want honesty, I also expect him to consider what he's about to say and make sure that not only it is what he wants to say, but that he uses a tone that is appropriate to the situation. He's a very logical thinking sort of man, and he uses the least amount of words possible. Which is fine, but he doesn't always consider that when you're using the least amount of words possible, tone is even more important, as the same words can sound very different depending on your tone. And he will get mad at me for misinterpreting his words and not understand that it's not his words that I have a problem with, it's his tone. When the tone says you think I'm an idiot, it's a lot harder to take the words at face value.

4. Fidelity - I expect him not to cheat on me. Simple as that.

5. Affection - I expect affection, physical and verbal. I expect to hear I love you, I expect to be kissed and hugged and held. I do not expect him to hang all over me, nor do I want him to, but I do expect him to initiate some affection on a fairly regular basis.

6. Conversation - I do not expect him to necessarily fulfill all of my conversational needs, but given the closeness our relationship should have by it's nature, I expect him to be able to fulfill most of them, if need be. I know he's not into things like entertainment and TV shows, so I try not to talk to him about those things and instead rely on my friends who are interested in those type things for that. But at the same time, I would also expect him to know that I'm not interested in quantum physics, and find someone who is to talk to about that. And given that we spend most of our time talking to each other, that's not necessarily reasonable either, so instead I expect some give and take: He talks to me about quantum physics, I learn a little about it and express some interest, and he returns the favor by expressing a bit of interest when I complain about Miley Cyrus making the news for smoking a bong.

There may be other expectations that I have, that I haven't really realized I have yet. But these are the basics. I don't think I'm unreasonable, or unrealistic, but I'm doing some real thinking on this to be sure.

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Wendy

www.wendymillerwrites.com

Mom6547

While I agree that we need to have realistic expectations, it is concerning to me that your DH does not want to be helpful. In addition to trying to limit your expectations of each other to the "reasonable," do you also talk about the desire to be helpful to one another?


Realistic is defined not by the person doing the expecting but the person expected of. There is no objective set of reasonable expectations. As good will increases, the set of things a person is going to consider reasonable for them to do will also increase.

One of the scariest, most hurtful and most productive honest things my husband said to me back in the bad days was that I was being "too needy." But it really made me think. I was spending all my time expecting HIM to make me happy, be with me, prove to me he loved me. I never let us just BE.

Yah sometimes he doesn't want to BE (with big relationship emphasis) with me. Sometimes he wants to veg out and daydream, watch tv, go mountain bike riding with friends.

By increasing my self esteem, by investing in interests of my own, by giving him freedom, I INCREASED his desire to be with me by DECREASING the pressure to do so.


I guess stop worrying so much about what you EXPECT from HIM and start worrying a lot more about how to meet HIS needs. Rebuild a dynamic of mutual helpfulness, etc..

MarriedWifeInLove

Expectations are subjective. What I think are reasonable, someone else thinks are too much and vice versa.

My expectations are actually very simple, but still don't get met. So I've given up trying to get my needs met and have concentrated on meeting his needs - while this has made him happier, it has just made me more miserable - because of course all of his needs are getting met and I'm just flapping in the wind!

1. Treat me in a way that shows you love me. I don't need to hear it, its just words - show me. Initiate a hug for no reason, be the first to start a kiss, tell me I look nice today, reach out for me, don't tell me NO all the time - anything!

That's my list. Pretty short and pretty simple and yes, I've told my husband this and he still does nothing - he didn't used to be like this and besides his health issues I don't know what else has changed and he won't discuss it - so I guess I'll just plod along as is until I get royally fed up.

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"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

tattoomommy

I don't think it's realistic that you expect him to be happy to be with you all the time. I think you will set yourself up for some disappointment there. There are days I fall in love with my husband all over again and it feels like the beginning, the butterflies and all. Then there are also days I could kick him to the curb and not care. I'M MOODY. That's what it comes down to. If I'm discontent with something, I take it out on him and expect him to make it better. That's not his job- to make me happy. I need to find contentment with myself and create it myself. If I expect him to make me happy, or that I should always be happy with him (and him always happy with me) it'll never happen. It just isn't realistic.

As far as what I expect... I can't actually say. I go to start a list and it keeps growing and I start writing things I don't actually mean. I think what I want most from my husband is respect and that he upholds our marriage vows. For better is easy, but for worse is hard. If we can make it through the hard times, there are surely better ones to come. Interesting though to think about.

Blanca

This is a great example of poor boundaries. He clearly communicated his boundary to you and you brushed it aside. That's not respectful. He has a right to be upset. There's no love in a relationship when you dont give your spouse a free choice. He had no real choice. you backed him into a corner. it was your way or you'd punish him by getting upset. If he did comply with you he'd be resentful and probably pick a fight with you. either way its a lose/lose for you both.

In this situation here is how a healthy boundary would work. You ask him, Im tired can you talk to me while im driving? he says, no. Instead of trying to force past his boundary you set boundaries on yourself by driving as much as you are comfortable with and then pulling over. take a break. come up with something else to keep you alert. or better yet, dont drive when you havent gotten enough sleep. Its a poor choice by you and your H is not responsible to make it ok for you.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

MarriedWifeInLove

Those vows of "for better or worse", and "in sickness and health" are probably the reasons I'm still around.

But they are getting tested more and more every day.

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

MarriedWifeInLove

While I understand boundaries as much as the next guy - what about her feelings, opinions, etc.? Do they not have any consideration when "he" is setting up his boundaries - I'd be willing to bet she takes "his" into consideration when she's setting up hers.

And while we're at it - have you ever taken a long drive with your husband and he refused to talk to you? I have and it sucks big time - makes you feel that you are so interesting that your own husband can't even be bothered to have a simple conversation with you.

And, look at it this way - he's in the car, she's driving and she's getting tired - you would think he would care about his own safety enough to keep her awake while she's driving!

Sounds like a husband who just doesn't care enough to compromise in some small way with his spouse. Why is it that the wife always has to be the first one to give in or compromise? Why can't the husband take the first step and adjust his boundaries and compromise?

Marriage is a give and take on BOTH sides - but you find a lot of marriages where just ONE side is doing all the giving while the other ONE is doing all the taking.

Research shows that when a man cheats, a woman is more likely to forgive and keep the marriage going - but when a woman cheats, a man is less likely to forgive and want to end the marriage. I wonder why?

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"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

Mom6547

The problem is by the time it gets to that, there is usually a whole ton of missed assumptions and misunderstandings to lead to a big ol' pile of resentment. It takes SOMEONE to change that dynamic.

But many people would rather fight about who is RIGHT.

Blanca

You have very poor boundaries MWV. I would strongly suggest you read Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. dr.phil has a good one too, Relationship Rescue.

My H does not talk in the car. He doesnt talk much period. It used to upset me a lot.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

greenpearl

I just consider myself lucky that my husband is meeting all of my expectation. But I didn't know if I had high expectation for him. He has remained to be the man I fell in love with.

I don't expect him to give me flowers or gifts. I don't expect him to give me loving cards. I don't expect him to remember my birthday. I don't expect him to treat me specially on Valentine's Day.

I don't expect romantic dinner with candle lights, I am just practical to know that this is not his nature.

I don't expect him to make a lot of money, as long as he is working and fulfilling his responsibility.

I don't expect him to agree with me all the time, since very often I say silly things. If he disagrees with me, I learn more from him.

I don't expect him to give me compliments all the time. I pat myself all the time when I do something good, it is just some fun we have for each other.

I don't expect him to spoil me, I know I am a wife, I should shoulder my responsibility as a wife.

I don't expect a lot, what I expect is basic, a faithful and responsible man. But I feel I get a lot, maybe we just match and we just understand each other.

greenpearl

If you expect less, then you won't feel upset that he doesn't fulfill your expectation, then he doesn't need to spend hours to comfort you, then he is happy, then he is happy to do other things for you.

Vicious circle and good circle, which one would you prefer?

You expect less, you actually get more, how many people can understand this?

Mom6547

This is so true. I thank my lucky stars for the day I learned this lesson!

MarriedWifeInLove

True.

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"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

MarriedWifeInLove

Thanks - but I'd have to politely disagree.

To me, marriage is a give and take. If you can't bend something that really bothers me, then I can't be expected to bend something that really bothers you.

My husband knew I liked to talk BEFORE he married me and while he has always been quiet, he talked a lot more for quite a few years than he does now. He knows, as I've expressed it a million times, that his silence really bothers me - could he open up a little more? Just a little, I'm not asking him to become the next Oprah. But apparently what bothers me is not important. It bothers him that I talk all the time, so I've pulled back so I don't get on his nerves as much - I bended, but he can't? What the hell has that got to do with boundaries?

I, as a lot of women, have bended, compromised, etc., to keep my marriage going - at this point in my life I'm tired of always being the giver...call it that time of year or whatever.

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"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford