I am new here with a really long post. I want so badly to get perspective but I remember a friend of mine telling me she was told to never discuss her marriage troubles with her family and friends because although she may forgive and forget it is harder for the family/friend to not react negatively toward the husband and thus making it difficult to maintain the friendship or marriage. With that advice from her councilor I am stuck with the internet. I don’t feel this is as big as her infidelity issues so I resist running to a councilor right away but an incident happened that I just can not get past and feel as though I am married to a stranger.
First I have been married for 16 years/together for 19. We have three successful children and both enjoy satisfactory careers. Neither of us has been treated for depression, addiction, issues etc. We are by most descriptions a successful marriage. My issue is an argument we had and his reaction has taken me by such surprise that I feel as though I do not know him at all.
Last weekend we had to unfortunately bury my aunt. I grew up with my aunt. She was only six years older than I and was godmother to our youngest child. It was sudden and it was sad so emotions were running high this weekend.
After the wake on Friday night (ended at 7:30PM) my husband asked if I would be bothered if he and my brother and brother in-law went to a local bar for a drink. My family of five was staying at a hotel in a near by town so he would need to get back to the hotel after the drink. He asked me what he could do to not make me mad. I replied, “Don’t be late.” Both reluctant, we parted ways. I brought the kids to the hotel to swim and he left to the bar. After letting the kids swim until ten at night and preparing ourselves for a morning funeral it was eleven at night and I called him to see how much longer. When I contacted him he was still at the local bar, slurring his words and said he would get into our room with my other brother who was in the hotel bar with other members of the family. We had adjoining rooms so he could have accessed our room with brother 2’s key. I was angry that he was going to be late after I asked him not to and I closed off the adjoining rooms so he would not have access to our room and turned off my cell phone. I tucked in all the kids and went to bed. The funeral was at ten the next morning and I had to read at the mass so I needed to arrive early. I am very independent and I readied myself and the kids in the morn and packed all our suitcases into the van to depart after the funeral. My husband joined us in the van into my parents house and on to the church but he was clearly upset as was I and we both avoided each other for the most part. We were surrounded by family and it was not appropriate to discuss our issue right then.
At the church before the funeral my mother was looking for Excedrin for my Grandfather who was having severe back pain. It was said by another family member that my husband could benefit from the aspirin as well. I was mortified with embarrassment. I had to hold it together for the funeral and our drive home was tense since we had the three kids in the van and it was not appropriate to discuss our issues. So it all boiled within me for yet another day.
When we returned home I approached him alone in our backyard to explain that I had asked him to not be late. He did not honor that request and then proceed to be an embarrassment by not hiding the fact that he was hung over from the night before and his drinking.
This is where the stranger enters my life. His response was so out of character for him that I do not feel I know him at all. His response was anger. He was so mad at me for making such a big deal out of nothing. He was so angry with me that he asked me not to talk to him. This had NEVER happened to us before. He has never been so angry that he could not discuss things with me. He is fed up with me blowing things up and sick and tiered of putting up with my tirades. I tried to explain why I was upset but he cut me off and told me he did not want to talk to me.
So now we have continued for two more days, both mad at the other and I am ready to move on but I feel I do not know this man who shares my home and I have distanced myself from him. I don’t feel I can predict him and that scares me. He has never harmed me in any way before. He is a very calm, grounded man. His anger was deep and his request to not speak to him was out of norm altogether. This morning as we each prepared for work he entered the bathroom while I was blow drying my hair. I did not hear him or see him enter so when he said “Excuse me” I was scared and I screamed. To this he responded with and expletive of anger because I scared him as well. I laughed, he left and then I cried. I have been crying a lot in private throughout the past few days. I can’t seem to control the tears. But here I sit, problem at hand and no one to talk to. How do I get past this and who can I talk to about this? I can’t talk to him; he wants to put this behind us. I won’t talk to family/friends because of the advice. Yet I am not comfortable with this stranger called my husband and in his opinion I need to mange my anger issues. In our angry discussion when we arrived home I asked him to stop drinking. He has done that, although it is not just the alcohol as much as his reaction to me the next day that has made me so upset. I just can’t predict him lately. Very weird.
It sounds to me that there is a deeper issue he is dealing with and the anger was not at your concern about him being late or hung over at the funeral. Have there been other small issues that seem out of proportion of late. Sound as if he has bottled something up and just snapped. As much as he doesn’t want to talk about this, it might be wise to pursue it further. My wife and I got into a cycle like this where things weren’t smooth but we didn’t address it, just kept things bottled up until one of us lost it. We withdrew from each other and she ended up in an emotional affair. We are still trying to recover but it has been a long road. Try to get him to open up to you before this becomes a cycle. Good luck
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I think Amp is right. There has to be a deeper issue driving this, from his point of view, however it might be that he saw this as a way to tell you something he has always held back that he thinks you make a mountain out of a mole hill. But only you can tell us if it is true and to what degree. Then again does he let most things roll off his back and put them behind him when he is irked at you while you have to discuss and settle everything you find wrong with him?
Please note I am not trying to pick on you but really probe the issue for answers.
It sounds as though either he has bottled up his true feelings for a while and this was a 'last straw' so to speak or maybe he really has been ok with everything up until now but this incident in particular went beyond the two of you discussing it and caused him embarrassment in front of the family.
If you locked him out of the room for the night, where did he sleep? He must have had to ask someone else if he could stay in their room for the night and may have been embarrassed by the situation, especially if he feels he's been a good husband all these years and one night out with the men in the family (although I understand the timing on this was not good for you) because circumstance presented itself and then feels he was punished for it.
Maybe you can get him to open up by, rather than focusing on this incident, talking in general that you have never seen him that angry and it scares/worries you that he may be harboring some resentment towards you. If he feels safe (that his opinions/feelings are being heard and won't be attacked/argued) you may get to the bottom of this. In the end, you have to be prepared to listen, without becoming defensive or you will end up in the same spot--he's probably not wanting to talk for fear that it will end up being an argument of who is more right and why.
I agree with Swedish. I think he has bottled up his true feelings for a while and this was the last straw.
I have only been married for 4 years, but one thing I have learned is that most men do not like confrontation. They will avoid it; sometimes at all cost. (It's the "yes dear" mentality.)
If your husband was locked out of the room, then he probably stayed with a family member and had to explain that you locked him out because he was late returning. This might have been embarrassing. So he might have been still upset when you wanted to talk to him.
In either case, I don't think it warrants you thinking he is a stranger. It was just a stressful time for everyone. Cut him some slack and try to talk to him humbly and really LISTEN to him. If you put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel and how would you want your husband to respond to you?
We had two adjoining rooms. One would think one room would have slept my husband, myself and two kids and the other room would have slept my brother #2 and one other kid. As it turned out "our room" slept the kids and I. The other room slept my brothers and husband.
Well if you had locked me out of my bedroom, I would not have been happy at all. I do not sleep in strange places easily, and If I had ended up being forced to sleep with my brother in law instead of my wife, I would not have slept all night, and so I would be more hung over in the morning than normal.
And I hate having to deal with large groups of people in a formal setting when i have had no sleep. I get hot and sweaty! I don't know if this was what your husband was going through, but you might want to test the water with an apology or two!
Most men act this way. They don't care to piss you off, but don't you dare do this to me (him). Catch them in something they know is wrong and they play dumb. Like..what?.. what are you talking about? Then they try to make what they said as a joke, or in this case, blame it on everything but him doing anything wrong. Don't feel bad. I know someone that the guy didn't even take off work when his wife lost their first baby she was carring. Her father took her to the hospital. You just don't know someone until you marry them, do ya?
Most men act this way. They don't care to piss you off, but don't you dare do this to me (him). Catch them in something they know is wrong and they play dumb. Like..what?.. what are you talking about? Then they try to make what they said as a joke, or in this case, blame it on everything but him doing anything wrong. Don't feel bad. I know someone that the guy didn't even take off work when his wife lost their first baby she was carring. Her father took her to the hospital. You just don't know someone until you marry them, do ya?
Oh my God! this sound so much like you and what you do to me! oh my God!
this really hurt!
so you knew all along and you did that on purpose??
you just pretend you dont know right from wrong?
Excuse me, but who are you? Was I talking about you? No, so back off of me. I have enough trouble posting here as it is. Why does everyone think when I am posting, I am talking about them?
Because you invited me to thsi forum and i am yoru honey.. remember?
AND INSTEAD OT ANSWERR ME SO RUDLTY why dont you read abck your own advices about those things and face that it si indeed what you are doing to me?
ike this one:" Then they try to make what they said as a joke, or in this case, blame it on everything but him doing anything wrong."
Doesnt it sound exactly like what you do..to me..?
Yes you are rigth Chris.. sorry.. but doesnt it illustrate poignatly and blatantly exactly whats the matter in this thread? How men do react in those special situations when confronted with things they rather avoid beign confronted with?
Wifemomof3, I understand how you must've felt, especially with a special aunt passing, but I don't think I would've locked him out of the room. He should have respected your wishes or at least called you to say he would be back soon, but sounds like he was rebelling a bit. I think it better to discuss later, but locking someone out is very drastic and he must have been embarrassed in front of the family I agree.
I would try to settle this by approaching it in a non-threatening way so he feel safe as Swedish said. It DOES sound like he's felt he has to tippy toe around you and has been holding his feelings of resentment in. Maybe ask him if the two of you can discuss, but start out by saying you were surprised to see him so angry as you have never seen him before and you'd like to hear his side of it. Men see things very differently than women sometimes and it's hard for us to interpret their view. I know myself when I have tried to talk to my husband about what I have been unhappy about, he has taken it as an attack when I was only trying to communicate...it 's HOW you say it. (I am still learning and I have been married 21 years!)
Don't let this go by..an opportunity to straighten out and prevent future issues. Good luck...
married to a stranger
