Adventures with Spouse - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 109Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 09:17 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Adventures with Spouse

There is a bonding benefit to doing fun adventurous things with your spouse. Life gets routine. Kids arrive and the focus of activities changes. Life gets busy but less of it is spent with your spouse. For many this is a slow cooker recipe for marital discontent. I think that putting thought into finding something adventurous and challenging with your spouse can help reinforce the bond between you. It is common knowledge at least on TAM that the neural chemicals within the brain help form and reinforce bonds with others. Dopamine is one such chemical that is associated with the infatuation stage of a relationship. As the relationship matures the chemicals that are triggered in the brain are ones more associated with long term bonding like oxytocin.

My idea is that we should use this knowledge to plan activities with our spouses that trigger some of the excitement/infatuation stage chemicals to inject newness into our relationships. Doing adventurous things will achieve this as well as things outside of your comfort zone. Obviously doing high adventure activities like skydiving, whitewater rafting and climbing will bring an instant thrill. The problem is that for many these activities are too much and too expensive. However by choosing to do something together that is outside of your comfort zone you should be able to achieve a similar release of chemicals. If you and your spouse can take an activity that is outside of your comfort zone and learn to master it together you will be possibly be forming a new hobby with all the excitement of something with high adventure. It could be something like karaoke, public speaking or open mike night. It could be a large remodeling project or anything that involves the unknown.

I want to hear from others on TAM. What you do to keep the slow cooker of relationship death at bay? Do your activities involve adventure and the unknown?


I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Re: Adventures with Spouse

I tried it with backpacking and it worked for us. Late in 2012 I realized that our marriage was becoming routine again and the one hobby that we had shared, I discontinued. She knew the reasons why which I won’t go into here and supported me on that choice. I was also recovering from a climbing injury and wanted to find something that I could do outdoors. I put some thought into what we could do together. We always have a great time on vacations exploring new places. We had seen several of the sights in our area which we had never seen before and we had done the B&B thing and enjoyed it immensely. I also wanted to introduce our boys to outdoor skills which they were not getting from their Boy Scout troop at the time. Then I remembered that my wife had gone backpacking once when she was in grad school and really enjoyed it. I had gone backpacking a couple of times more than 30 years ago and wasn’t very experienced in it either. So backpacking it was.

I started planning for what would be needed and where we should go. I had always wanted to backpack in the Dolly Sods for multiple days but we needed to get prepared first. I searched for a route that would be short and challenging but yet was something that we had hiked before so we know most of terrain. I found a section of the Appalachian Trail that we could do with camping the first night and backpacking to our second night destination. By now it was the summer of 2013. At the same time we stumbled upon a Venture Crew that our boys were interesting in that was planning to go to the Philmont Scout ranch the following summer. They were looking for a female leader and ask my wife if should would be interested. She wanted to participate in the crew but she didn’t think she had the experience to go on the trek. We did the trip on the AT with our boys and that convinced my wife that should could backpack. We made several mistakes. We packed much too heavily and did not have all the appropriate rain gear for cooking in the rain.

We had fun and the fun generated more planning and discussion about what we needed and what we should do. We learned all sorts of stuff in short order. We did our first multi-night trip in the Dolly Sods with our daughter. No cell service only map, compass, GPS and ourselves. We got lost a couple of times but learned how to recognize it and fix it. It rained the heaviest we had ever had while camping. But that time we were prepared to cook in the rain.

Our trips continued into this year. We backpacked in the snow and single digit temperatures and in actuality we were as knowledgeable if not more about backpacking as the Venture crew youth and adults. The highlight of the experience was the 90+ mile trek in New Mexico last summer. The whole adventure was super bonding for us as a couple and for the family. I wholeheartedly recommend bonding through adventure.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
post #3 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 10:46 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,943
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Good evening
YES, we do adventures together. (jumping off cliffs with parasails, traveling to Borneo, exploring distant locations, eating exotic foods).

Its a really good thing for a marriage.
richardsharpe is offline  
 
post #4 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by richardsharpe View Post
Good evening
YES, we do adventures together. (jumping off cliffs with parasails, traveling to Borneo, exploring distant locations, eating exotic foods).

Its a really good thing for a marriage.
Parasailing looks really fun! Where I grew up there is lots of that every weekend. That's too high adventure for my wife though. We get into traveling together and want to do more foreign travel. We are also into trying the local foods. I don't think you really have an experience traveling unless you eat and do local things.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
post #5 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 03:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,943
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Para-sailing is awesome - quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done. You can do it dual with an instructor with no prior training (which is what we did). Learning to do it myself would be great, but I'm too old - to easy to break my legs. I'll stick to things with solid wings....

I'm not sure what places have it. I went in Chamonix.
richardsharpe is offline  
post #6 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Adventures with Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by richardsharpe View Post
Para-sailing is awesome - quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done. You can do it dual with an instructor with no prior training (which is what we did). Learning to do it myself would be great, but I'm too old - to easy to break my legs. I'll stick to things with solid wings....

I'm not sure what places have it. I went in Chamonix.
Well if you are ever on Oahu they do it there. One of my favorite places is Makapuu where it's done when the winds are right.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
post #7 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 07:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,943
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Thanks, I'll look into that. We were thinking of a Hawaii trip in the not to distant future. There are ultra-lights on Kauai and maybe other places, but haven't done that yet.

meson? sounds unstable.


Quote:
Originally Posted by meson View Post
Well if you are ever on Oahu they do it there. One of my favorite places is Makapuu where it's done when the winds are right.
richardsharpe is offline  
post #8 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 08:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by richardsharpe View Post
meson? sounds unstable.
All bound states are characterized by a decay lifetime, even hadrons. All of our lifetimes are finite and marriages are until death do us part.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
post #9 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 09:45 PM
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 7,222
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by meson View Post
The whole adventure was super bonding for us as a couple and for the family. I wholeheartedly recommend bonding through adventure.
I love this thread for its positivity and your experience shared.

We don't have children but I'd like to still contribute. Our biggest adventure so far was taking off for some open-ended travel and then living overseas for a while. We count ourselves lucky that we were able to do this. We traveled light, each with a back-pack and just a rough itinerary. We booked accommodation and travel tickets as we went so that we weren't restricting ourselves if we wanted to change plans and see where the wind would take us. It was an amazing experience, some of it was a mixed bag at times but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It can be hard to shake wanderlust. Hubs has since suggested the idea of surprising one another with travel. The idea isn't to make it about the other person either, it's simply for the excitement. It could be a local weekend away or to another country. I absolutely love this idea. One of us will plan and book the trip and then simply tell the other when it will be and what type of weather to pack for.

We've recently moved and have been embracing the different experience we're having. We now have a fairly large garden that's been somewhat neglected and is overgrown, along with a house that, while lovely, also needs some TLC. The move and this property has become our new 'adventure'. Hubs said to me the other day how sexy he finds it when I'm walking the yard with him wearing my gardening boots. These boots are the practical, unattractive clompy type from the hardware store. Say whah?! Thing is, it's not about the boots, it's the intimacy of us doing this together... pulling ivy, learning about the trees we have, working on our home-project together. Yes, it's absolutely bonding.

While google tells me the definition of adventure is an unusual and exciting or daring experience, I think adventure can be found in the everyday, and in doing things as a couple or family. It doesn't need to be traveling the world or jumping out of a plane. It can be in gardening, home projects, volunteering, trying out new hobbies, and learning.

Although I'd also imagine this is where compatibility plays a part. As a couple, my husband and I enjoy straying off the beaten path together, trying different things, being out of our comfort zones... and when sharing in these experiences, it can indeed be bonding.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
heartsbeating is offline  
post #10 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-25-2014, 09:54 PM
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 7,222
Re: Adventures with Spouse

We went on vacation a few months ago and I surprised hubs with a cooking class. It was in a part of the city we likely wouldn't have gone to otherwise (we would have bypassed some great architecture and history) and we learned about local dishes, their origins and how to cook them. As a small class, we ate and enjoyed our meals together at the end.

I stole this idea from a friend who used to take a local cooking class wherever she traveled. I thought it was such a great idea and hubs and I both loved it. Thought I'd share it here for those inclined... cooking adventures.


Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
heartsbeating is offline  
post #11 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-26-2014, 04:57 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Adventures with Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
I love this thread for its positivity and your experience shared.

We don't have children but I'd like to still contribute. Our biggest adventure so far was taking off for some open-ended travel and then living overseas for a while. We count ourselves lucky that we were able to do this. We traveled light, each with a back-pack and just a rough itinerary. We booked accommodation and travel tickets as we went so that we weren't restricting ourselves if we wanted to change plans and see where the wind would take us. It was an amazing experience, some of it was a mixed bag at times but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It can be hard to shake wanderlust. Hubs has since suggested the idea of surprising one another with travel. The idea isn't to make it about the other person either, it's simply for the excitement. It could be a local weekend away or to another country. I absolutely love this idea. One of us will plan and book the trip and then simply tell the other when it will be and what type of weather to pack for.

We've recently moved and have been embracing the different experience we're having. We now have a fairly large garden that's been somewhat neglected and is overgrown, along with a house that, while lovely, also needs some TLC. The move and this property has become our new 'adventure'. Hubs said to me the other day how sexy he finds it when I'm walking the yard with him wearing my gardening boots. These boots are the practical, unattractive clompy type from the hardware store. Say whah?! Thing is, it's not about the boots, it's the intimacy of us doing this together... pulling ivy, learning about the trees we have, working on our home-project together. Yes, it's absolutely bonding.

While google tells me the definition of adventure is an unusual and exciting or daring experience, I think adventure can be found in the everyday, and in doing things as a couple or family. It doesn't need to be traveling the world or jumping out of a plane. It can be in gardening, home projects, volunteering, trying out new hobbies, and learning.

Although I'd also imagine this is where compatibility plays a part. As a couple, my husband and I enjoy straying off the beaten path together, trying different things, being out of our comfort zones... and when sharing in these experiences, it can indeed be bonding.
Yes, unusual and daring is a good description. Anything that causes tension and has significant reward when completed. It's less about extreme sports and more about overcoming challenges in a variety of forms.

One of the best times we had on a trip was completely impromptu. On our honeymoon we took a cruise but a hurricane changed our plans and port. We rented a car and tried to find Arecibo the radio telescope. It wasn't on the maps we had (before GPS was public) so we had to ask locals the whole way. We were able to find it and since we knew a post doc there we were able to get an inside tour. That was a challenge and super fun. Better than any canned tour the cruise ship had.

You also nailed the point. It is indeed about the intimacy of doing things together. This need to make decisions together and face some unknown factors creates intimacy and helps bond.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
post #12 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-26-2014, 06:14 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,364
Adventures with Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
We went on vacation a few months ago and I surprised hubs with a cooking class. It was in a part of the city we likely wouldn't have gone to otherwise (we would have bypassed some great architecture and history) and we learned about local dishes, their origins and how to cook them. As a small class, we ate and enjoyed our meals together at the end.

I stole this idea from a friend who used to take a local cooking class wherever she traveled. I thought it was such a great idea and hubs and I both loved it. Thought I'd share it here for those inclined... cooking adventures.
We are going to need to try this. We love local foods and it would be a great way to learn new recipes.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
meson is offline  
post #13 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-26-2014, 07:59 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 680
Re: Adventures with Spouse

For the less adventurous - or those who can't remember the last time they ran - planning trips to 'sights' or just random towns can be an adventure.

Drive to them by back roads rather than a direct, major route. It always amazes me how some people have photo albums of themselves on beaches from around the world, yet have no idea of much of what lies within 50 miles of home. Free stuff you can visit for the price of a tank of fuel.

It gets you out the house and keeps the rot from setting in.
Posted via Mobile Device
Flying_Dutchman is offline  
post #14 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-26-2014, 10:32 AM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,771
Re: Adventures with Spouse

We used to do all kinds of stuff. Skiing (the good stuff), backpacking, rock climbing, exploring new remote areas. That was before the kids. After the first one we slowed a little bit but did still get out for all of those things.

The second baby slowed things down a lot more. No more wilderness backpacking. Skiing became a family activity with little kids. A little bit of rock climbing but it was less adventurous.

When the kids were a bit older we stepped up the intensity. Soon enough the kids were getting quite expert, and we were getting slower with age and being out of shape.

When the kids starting hitting high school age things seemed to take too much of a turn towards us parents facilitating all the activities for the kids but not actually participating in activities ourselves. There was no balance, and it was a major area of conflict in the marriage.

Now that we're empty nest I am trying to bring back some adventure. It will be less adrenaline oriented but hopefully still fun and connective.
Thor is offline  
post #15 of 85 (permalink) Old 11-26-2014, 01:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,943
Re: Adventures with Spouse

Mixing in the right amount of strangeness makes them last longer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by meson View Post
All bound states are characterized by a decay lifetime, even hadrons. All of our lifetimes are finite and marriages are until death do us part.
richardsharpe is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Adventures in a strange new land MEM2020 General Relationship Discussion 145 02-02-2015 11:59 PM
Dealing with husbands online adventures CO_MOM Coping with Infidelity 3 09-17-2012 03:57 PM
Outdoor Adventures- Whistler bingofuel The Social Spot 2 02-07-2011 05:33 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome