mommy22

My success story is far from traditional. I wish that I could one day tell my great grandchildren that all the years of my married life were complete bliss and problem-free. There, unfortunately, have been some big bumps in the road for us along the way. We've weathered SEVERAL tragic, unexpected deaths of young, close and immediate family members, drug abuse, pornography issues, and adultery to name a few. I have no pride in saying that I think many marriages would've collapsed under such circumstances. For those marriages that have ended under such circumstances as adultery, they've had grounds to do so. Honestly, it's been a tough road. In my opinion (not the forum's), it has been by the grace of God that we have made it through it all. I'm thankful and amazed at the growth we've experienced as individuals and a couple.

We've been together for nearly sixteen years, married for twelve. I was young, he older than I. Fortunately, we were both able to experience college, graduation, and finding careers before marriage. We had the opportunity to figure out who we were. I'm especially glad to have had the college experience. Up until that point, everything in my life had revolved around pleasing my parents. I then had the opportunity to figure out what I wanted out of life and to choose to succeed for me! College was a defining moment in time in my life.

We then chose to delve into married life. In the beginning, it was complete bliss. We wanted to do whatever we could to make each other happy. Money was tight, but there were very few stress factors. As the years progressed, we changed. He became much more distant. I brought work home. Nights were spent eating dinner in front of the TV. Resentment began to set in for me, but I buried it. I wanted to please him, so I didn't bring up the fact that it hurt that he didn't seem to have desire for me-- emotionally, physically, intellectually... I tried many things to get his attention, but it just wasn't helping.

After experiencing a very tragic and unexpected death in the family, my heart needed uplifting. We decided to start a family. For those first few years, it was amazing. I felt as though I were reliving my life vicariously through this child. Everything became exciting and new. It drew us closer as a couple. Just what I had been waiting for, I thought.
Several years later, I conceived again. He was much more nervous this time. HMM. I didn't get it. We had already done this. What was the big deal? We had this child, but things were a little different this time around. He was a loving father, and constantly told me he loved me, but physically, he wasn't there. He worked longer hours and was very "removed" when we had time together alone. I poured myself into motherhood and trying to get his attention.

Fast forward a few years. I decided it was time to come out of my shell. I needed companionship. I would make friends to fill the void I told myself. So I did--- to our detriment. I befriended males and females alike. I'm very friendly and outgoing so this was really making me feel better! I decided it was time to work on myself. I got myself into excellent shape and people began to take notice. Men began to give me the attention I desired. Meanwhile, the attention I was getting from others began to turn my husband's head as well (as I perceived). I made a huge mistake, though. I allowed the wall that I had built between us to hinder me from any emotional connection with him. Then came TOM.

TOM gave me attention and told me everything I wanted to hear. He told me of all that he did to help around the house, what a good cook he was, how he doted on his wife but received nothing in return. Believe me, he knew JUST what to say and like a fool I fell for it, hook line and sinker! Out of that came a relationship that lasted for seven months. I knew that I was wrong and I didn't know how to escape. I tried numerous times to get out but he knew just what to say to lure me back in. I was terribly at fault, too. I had no right to be doing what I was doing. I had to end this once and for all. I had to work up the courage to finish it. The day finally came where I knew I could no longer do this. It wasn't fair. He cried and wanted me to stay, but I quit.

Then came the tough part. In my belief system, I knew that I had to confess. I didn't want to confess to relieve my guilt. I wanted to confess because I felt God tugging at my heart to do so. I fought it. I told myself, how can I put this hurt on him. He doesn't deserve to endure this. Yet the constant tugging ensued. I sought help and turned to this forum expecting people to berate me, pummel me with harsh words. Yet everyone was wonderful. Even though others disagreed with what I had done, they supported and listened to my story. They gave me hope when I thought all hope was gone. So, I did it. I confessed. The crazy part was, he was angry but he had his own confession to make. He told me that he had been a drug addict the entire time he'd known me. He had had times where he went for a time being clean but would fall back into it. He had been fearful that our second child could be a drug baby. It was all becoming crystal clear to me. He had been nervous about that child because he didn't know if she'd have physical problems. He had neglected me because he was trapped in this downward spiral. He revealed to me that he had been clean for several months.

Fast forward to present. Although my husband has always been kind and had loving things to say, I have met a new man-- my husband! Yes, he is a changed man and I am a changed woman. I guess it took us both hitting rock bottom to realize how fortunate we are. I love him with every fiber of my being and never, ever want to let him go. He is my best friend, soulmate, and lover. He is an honorable man. I hold my head high and am proud and honored to call him my husband. He treats me with the utmost respect. He cherishes me and relishes in things that delight me. He helps around the house, he plays with the children. He interacts with them. They love it. Fortunately, they, by the grace of God, remained grounded through everything we went through and are none the wiser. However, they seem happier now. The time we share as a family is sheer delight for them.

I wanted to share this to encourage others that you can feel as though your wallowing in hell, but it doesn't have to be the end. There is hope.

I also wanted to share this to let my husband know how much he really means to me. I want him to know that I love him with all that I have and that I'm in it for the long haul. You are precious to me, baby.

After everything, it is a success and we still have many wondereful years ahead. I can't wait!

swedish

Wow, Mommy22, what a powerful story. Thank you for sharing it & giving hope to those who may not see it in their marriage right now. My best to you and Daddy22

Leahdorus

Thank you for sharing your story, Mommy22. It's incredible and inspiring, and I'm so glad you and your husband were able to make it through all those obstacles.

mommy22

Thank you. I do want to add that the reconciliation process wasn't easy or simple!. I wouldn't want to simplify this knowing that others are going through the same thing. For those of you on either side of it, it's tough. I feel your pain. I honestly wanted my life to end. The emotional anguish was unbearable and it was a private battle. I think the secrecy that we felt we had to maintain made it seem like a charade when we were around others. I read the posts of people going through these same issues and I feel for all of you. I hope that the people on this forum can be of help and encouragement to you.
There have been setbacks, but we're very thankful we're where we are now.

Gin74

Thank you for your inspiring story. I gain some hope from reading the success stories here and realize that can be me and my husband again. Our situation is a little different, but I do share some similarities with you. I appreciate reading up on the advice that people put out there and realize how much we both can relate, but the success stories are another thing for me....they give me hope. Knowing that this horrible time that I am going through a lot of people have felt and knowing that I can overcome it is just comforting to know. We are not the only ones who have problems and our problems are no different from other couples. Thank you again.

unimaginal pain

Wow...this is my story. Well close enough anyways. I was an addict however my wife knew about it and I didn't care enough to think about her feelings at the time which also made me the husband from hell. I have been clean for about 7 months now but the damage had been done. My wife shut down on me and I did nothing but blame her for it. She finally broke and did have a one night stand which I was fortunately the one that caught them in the act. I say Fortunately because it has forced me to look at myself and realize the type of husband I have been. I know that we have a long way to go (we are only 2 weeks post rock bottom) but we are already getting along better than we have in years.
Thanks for your post Mommy22, it reasures me that we are definately on the right path.

mommy22

You don't know how glad I am to hear this. Thank YOU for sharing. If I can give anyone support who's going through some of this or, better yet, prevent someone from going through it, then it can at least a bad thing can be used for good.

Hang in there.

mommy22

I'm here if you even need someone to listen. What's so wonderful about this site are the many points of view. There have been a number of times where I've seen something a certain way and saw another point of view and it made me see things in a whole new light. You also get the opportunity to see what your spouse may be feeling and experiencing.

As for the problems, everyone has them in some form or another. We can guide each other through them. Strength in numbers, right?

voivod

mommy22,
i know you have been looking over my shoulder, as i have been looking over unimaginable pain's shoulder. it's not funny, but the fact that unimaginable hit "rock bottom" is the only thing we have in common with regard to our marital issue, but that i can relate in the "on the right path" to reconciliation.

it's so nice to see a success story here. you have offered words of encouragement that have kept me going here...could you please give me (and unimaginable) some idea as to your read on our reconciliation efforts. i need a lift this morning.

thanks

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

mommy22

Voivod, I was actually thinking of you as I saw the movie Fireproof yesterday---finally! You were right, it's wonderful and I cried almost the entire movie (as did my husband). It truly was our story. Anyway, I was thinking of you with the way Kirk Cameron kept trying, only to face rejection from his wife. I don't want to give away anything that happens to others reading this but, Voivod you know the story.

I wish I could speed things up for you. It's tough. Believe me. As I said, there were times when I felt like... "Yes, we're finally getting somewhere" only to take two steps back. There were a number of times when I looked at him and bluntly stated, "Look, if you want out, you're free to go." I didn't want him to stay out of obligation. Then there were times where I was scared out of my mind that i'd never be able to trust him again. Why should I? I hadn't REALLY KNOWN this man for the entire time I'd known him. We truly were at a crossroads that the rest of the world couldn't understand.
For years, my friends had seen him not pulling his weight in the relationship phyically or emotionally. They had told me I shouldn't be putting up with that. If anyone knew what I did to him do you think they would've encouraged hiim to stay? Thank goodness we kept our faith and stayed.

I considered suicide at points (not seriously, but the thought crossed my mind). It occured to me that the old saying, "No pain, No gain" is true. Anything worthwhile is worth fighting for. Voivod, you're at that same crossroads. The good news for you is you're on the upside. You've beaten alcoholism. You can do this, too. You are doing it. You've come too far to give up now. Rid yourself of those inner demons. Keep on keeping on.

voivod

upside??? i think too much. maybe it is demons inside...because now i get angry. my mind says things like "you never told me you were unhappy with (fill in the blank)" or "whatever happened to that incredibly romantic Beth that would kidnap me and take me away to super romantic, creative dates." or "i am in the same physical shape now as i was when she was so lustful toward me, why the hell does that side take over?"

and then i feel cheated, something like here i've had the most potentially devastating health incident happen to me, wtf happened to "in sickness and in health?" how unfair that a human can feel "dumped off" when i just about f-ing died. where's her humanity? i know it's wrong to think like this. i'm sure i've hurt her.

then, times like yesterday/last night, when i truly felt loved, when she called me "honey" (that word, i've learned, means a lot to her) or when she called and texted me to tell me that i didn't HAVE TO avoid calling her at work and that my old counselor was wrong about telling her to demand that i stop calling her. she's letting me in, real slowly. or like when she said she can see some changes in me. good stuff, although i feel like a dog fetching a bone chasing after these little nuggets!

it's hard. i sometimes wonder what would've happened if i had an affair. i was pursued last september and october by an attractive, younger co-worker. i quit my position to avoid the appearance of inpropriety.

or i wonder how she'd feel if i made contact with the college love that has been trying to get ahold of me for the paast two weeks. that girl was the only other woman i have ever been "in love" with. i think the devil is challenging me. but how quickly beth would come to her senses if i did?

these thoughts are wrong if i want my marriage to heal. i know that this marriage is more than her and i. i have 4 beautiful children to think of. i also have our dreams to attain. i have made those things a priority. i am going back to selling cars, a very lucrative opportunity for me, to get the things back that i am losing due to my stroke. if you knew her story, you'd know why i'm committed to making her as coimfortable as i can.

i'm rambling now. sometimes that's therapeutic for me. sorry to take up so much space.

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

mommy22

I understand your venting. It's healthy. We have such a range of emotions each day. Just keep in mind that you almost died due to your own treatment of your body. That's what scares her. She's coming around, and while it's healthy to vent here, keep this in check elsewhere. It could ruin your chances at reconciliation. Everyone who has kept up with your situation-- Drac, MarkTwain, me... we all see the progress. We don't want to see you give up when you're nearing the finish line. Perserverance is key.

Also, any other women in your past or present have NOTHING to do with this situation so get them out of your head if they enter your thoughts in the slightest. That's a dead end road and you know it. It wouldn't even be fair to hold that one over her.

Things have been on the up and up. Why are you dismal? Have you checked with your therapist/counselor about depression? I know you mentioned it in one of your other threads. If counseling doesn't do the trick, there are medications to level things out. Is there a possibility that the drugs and alcohol were used to treat depression? Just a stab at that one. My hubby suffers from chronic depression and has to stay on meds. He was self-medicating prior to diagnosis.

I suggest this as homework for you : Make a list of the progress you've made as a couple. Make sure you document every little thing-- her calling you "honey", the flirting, agreements on discipline, etc... You need the positives in front of you. Things are getting better. Don't let the past or outside intrusions let you lose sight of that.

voivod

to be honest, i am dismal because i've always had her so wrapped around my finger and this is taking so damned long and every time i feel like saying "hey, lets cut this crap and get back together" something makes me feel insecure. like tonight, we're watching tv, and it's time for the kids & her to go to bed, but i am going to pick up my oldest daughter from work in about an hour and bring her back to mom's apt. so beth gives me this little head shrug towards the door as she says "and i'm going to bed too, so..." meaning it's time for me to go. what would be so wrong with her saying "why dont you stay here and relax and go pick up kara at 10." i'm harmless. i'm not gonna be any problem sitting on her couch waiting for my daughter to get off work!!! how come she can't let her guard down or "walls" or whatever she wants to call it long enough for me to stay there and wait an hour to go pick up daughter??? she's punishing me. kinda like, well, you have to leave now, and then go get kara.to me, she's being petty. am i wrong???
and i'd agree with your statement that "she's coming around" if that's how she handled this situation. hey, i've seen people on these forums who have CHEATED on their spouse and got back easier!!!

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

voivod

and i know other women have nothing to do with the situation, but here's what i believe...if i HAD had an affair, we'd be back together now, because the jealousy would tear her apart. that's one of those things that she hates about me...jealousy.
sorry, it's dirty pool to bring that up, and i probably lost a little of someone's respect. i'm just struggling right now. sorry

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

voivod

mommy22,

i've been back to your post half a dozen times..each time saying "yep, that's right." so here i am again.

yep, that's right!!!

i wish you knew of the love that was between me and this "other" girl...she's 55 yrs old now, i'm 46...and she is still so dynamic!!! but so is my beautiful beth...and it would tear her up to know i still carried a torch for this "other" girl...plus it's not fair to bethie because she is the oned who held my head above water when i was dying...allowing me to see my kids get their good citizenship awards from school...i remember sitting in their auditorium thinking "i shouldn't even be here" as the p.a. systen blared "if i could turn back time" by cher...i wish i could tell beth the depth of my emotions that day..tears flowing down my cheeks..me realizing that if beth hadn't done what she did for me on january 25th, i would be in a box unstead of sitting there watching my babies get their awards...so many things i owe her for..that's just one of them...so i perservere...

depression...yeah...i'm taking cymbalta and seeing a counselor...i'm trying..they say depression is a neurological by-product of stroke...yep...i'm trying...so i perservere...

progress as a couple...more signs of that tonight...no boring details...but it's clear to me she still loves me...so...i perservere...

i'll make the list...it makes sense...i want to be able to look back proudly upon this period in our lives and know i did everything possible...and i want to keep doing it...i'll perservere...

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5