unreal

Any advice would be appreciated. I have been married over 3 years now and my marriage was wonderful and was happy with my OH but 3 years on I don't see anything special in marriage we have no kids due to financial issues and still live my parents. Does marriage life start when you have your own home and kids we seem to get along okay but it is nothing special we do go out now and again?

the guy

Married life starts when the two become one and both spouse commit to each other b/c now the other spouse is part of them.
Thats the special part, you just can't see it all the time.

Atholk

You want kids and your husband can't support them. So you're starting to work on finding ways to rationalize dumping your husband.

You need to tell him that directly.

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Jellybeans

Marriage starts when you get married. So you've been in it for 3 yrs.

Do you have a job? Does he? Get jobs and save money so you can move out of your parents' home and start your own lives together.

unreal

I work he works we cannot save as we live in a big family and we all contribute we would be better off staying in this home as he wants to look after his old parents financially and physically and his autistic brother who cannot support himself.

Mr. Nail

This is a good question and I understand how you feel and part of why you feel that way. For reasons that seemed from the outside to be compelling you and your husband have chosen one of the most difficult ways to start a marriage. I don't want to go into the reasons for your decision, You are still committed to them so that is enough. Where I want to focus is on what you can do to nurture your marriage.

I'm a big supporter of the leave and cleave school of marriage. Husband and Wife should Leave their parents and Cleave to one another. You are unable to physically leave, but that is not the end. The purpose of leaving is to create a separation between your old family and your newly created family. It is OK if the separation is not physical as long as it is very much real. One way to measure this is who is first priority in your lives. It should be your spouse, not your parents or siblings. If this is true then you are on the right path.

I sense that you two have not fully cleaved together. Don't worry that is not very often a quick process. Taking two halves from different background and melding them into a singular one can take years. But you need to be moving towards it every day. You need to do things that are just you two, at home as well as on dates. For example you should take your meal to your room to eat alone together frequently 2 or 3 times a week. You should work together on projects (success together will help you to grow together) Mostly concentrate on becoming one, and don't be frustrated that it takes time and work.

M N

unbelievable

Frustration comes from expecting one thing and getting something else. So, you had this notion of how married life would be and your husband did, too. What y'all have doesn't match either plan but that doesn't mean it's bad. You have each other. You have a roof over your heads. Your own home will come in time and probably, kids, too. A man won't make you happy. A house won't make you happy. Money doesn't make you happy. Babies can't. You have to choose to be happy and to adopt a spirit of thankfulness for what you do have. If you focus on what you lack you will always be miserable because nobody has everything. Hard times are often the years couples cherish the most because that's when they depended on each other the most and had the most to dream together about. If you have a guy you can be proud of and who you love, you have more than most people living in mansions.

Mrs.G

Marriage is what the two people make it.
I don't agree with living with parents while married. A newlywed couple need to have private space, so that they can learn to deal with issues alone and also enjoy each other.
I admire your husband's dedication to his family of origin. However, you are his new family! Your wishes come first and if taking care of his brother and parents are more important, he is not ready to be a husband.
Work on getting your own place and you will see a huge difference.

Mrs.G

This is excellent advice. I used to be very bitter about what we didn't have; I wanted to keep up with the Joneses. Posting on TAM and listening to older couples helped me see that focusing on material things, is a great way to be unhappy.
I live in a very affluent area; among mansions, Jags and Michael Kors. I see the same rich woman moping about the nearby shopping centre all the time. Her diamonds are at least 3 carat and she drops hundreds on clothes. SHE OFTEN HAS A BLACK EYE. Mr.G and I live in a run down apartment building and have a 12 year old SAAB. We are very happy together.

Mom6547

Your marriage is what you make of it. But it strikes me as hard to feel like an adult if you are still reliant on Mom and Dad. I would think even 2 people working minimum wage jobs could live on their own.

Rough Patch Sewing

Marriage is something special. If you and your wife are living with your parents then if you are making that work together then you have something to feel good about. It is the business of the two of you concerning why you are with your parents.

Do not feel bad about that. Simply keep working together to meet your goals. Once you meet one goal together, celebrate and then move on to the next thing to conquer together.

If you do that your marriage will be super special. BTW, many people are hurting financially. If you are living with relatives and it is working, then the best thing to do is try to save money.