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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-27-2015, 12:46 AM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

I would think this insulting to most women! i dont like those people who insults the woman's

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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 10:12 AM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

You're all upset because your wife as now started closing her eyes during sex?? So what? So what if she's fantasizing? You can deny it all you want, but I have do doubt you haven't fantasized during sex yourself.

Why is it that every single time something changes people start in on the "possible cheating" train?
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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 11:35 AM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Have you ever wanted to just ignore all the post, and answers and just reply bluntly to the title?
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 11:47 AM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Have you ever just had a night of rough hard, passionate lights off dont give a F*** sex. Sometimes the best way to get stress out is to just have after sessions, where it isnt about love or connection just sex. Maybe talk to your wife about have a night of hard meaningless sex. Turn the lights off, blindfold each other and dont say a word. put the tv on or some music. Something different, something she and you are not used to from your normal routine. You would be surprised how your senses are working during sex.
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 02:27 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

I don't know guy. My W closes her eyes during sex. She has this image in her mind how we look during love making. I can assure you we both look like a god and goddess in her minds eye. I can assure you were are anything but. Once we videotaped and well...the final production was not what her minds eye sees. I guess to much Hollywood production sex scenes produced this image. Who knows.

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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-17-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

I fantasize about someone else most of the time. I don't care if he does either. I'm not sure what the big hang-up is if everybody is happy when it's over.
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-17-2015, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know why it bothers me so much. But watching her those times where she was obviously thinking about someone else from the point where I was just getting on the bed, four ft away from her, and she already closed her eyes, continuing with changing positions until we were finished, was very troubling to me. Of course I've thought about other women during sex, but only for a few minutes at a time and I don't, usually. I didn't make the fantasy person the only focal point the entire time we were having sex. It"s just that she was doing it 4 or 5 times in a row that was starting to bother me.
There were several underlying issues at the time that we have talked about since then, that I realize caused her to feel more distant than she does now. Maybe she would still do it if I hadn't mentioned how much it bothers me. I think if you are going to fantasize, just be more discreet about it.
Not everyone wants to know their spouse is thinking they are with someone else.
It could just be my insecurities I'm feeling having had a rough patch in my marriage.
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 03:44 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Quote:
Earl 2 said: Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, I have noticed a lack of eye contact. Even during a change of position, she will have her eyes locked shut. I have started watching for it and her eyes are closed almost the entire time now. I brought it up a couple of times and she just gets very defensive and angry.
How did you bring it up to her.. just trying to understand how such a conversation might go..

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To me, it feels like I'm watching her make love to someone else. I feel totally disconnected from her. She doesn't admit it, but I seriously think she is fantasizing about someone else, and it is happening every time, now. I'm almost to the point I don't want sex with her anymore.
We have been under a lot of financial stress paying for two kids in college and her job is very stressful, lately. She also blames me totally for our financial problems. I work in the building trades and was out of work for 2 years when this recession hit back in 2008. I had never been out of work the entire time we have been married until then, and she was a stay at home mom, working 2 days a week so she could spend more time with our 3 children. She went back fulltime when I was layed off. She told me she blamed me after the first time I asked her what is going on with her eyes closed. She also said she was thinking about a separation, and that she has never been so unhappy.
She REALLY let it out here.. Ok.. it sounds your wife is very resentful towards you.. it has been building for years...

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I don't understand how we can spend time together laughing and having fun with numerous activities and then she tells me she has been thinking of a separation. I feel like I just got hit by a truck. Since our argument, we seemingly get along again. We spend our free together and I feel close to her, but I felt that way before, too.
I think to overcome resentment, it has to be opened up & talked about.. the feelings acknowledged and each forgiving each other.. what happened exactly.. I mean, sh** happens, people get laid off.. I surely wouldn't blame my H if something beyond his control like this happened..or was it more than this.. did you get fired for something, does she BLAME you for bad decisions that have left a financial burden on the family??

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I honestly don't think she has had an affair, but I do think there might be someone she knows that she is fantasizing about. After valentines day I will bring it up again if I notice her in her little dream world while having sex with me. Also, while we do get along well, and seem to enjoy each others company, I have been feeling like we are just roommates, not lovers. There has been very little, if any, physical contact outside of the bedroom the last couple years. I can understand this if she is so unhappy.
Please work on this...

I am thinking if she opened up to you about the blame, she is WILLING TO TALK .... even if it comes out hurtful as it did...to get back to the good, you will have to wade through these hurtful waters.. sometimes a couple need a counselor to help them get there.. but it's not necessary for everyone...

Quote:
I should also mention that she said part of the problem was that I don't do enough to help out at home with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I have stepped up my game in that area and I don't believe she would leave me now. The big thing is paying for tuition and that will be easier in 3 months when only one is still in school.
Maybe her frustration with my lack of helping has caused her loss of feeling close to me and the lack of non-sexual intimacy.
it sounds with her now having to work, she really needed you to step up helping around the house... you have experienced the changes here for the good .. so yes. KEEP them up!! She could also be an "acts of service" woman -with your helping with the little things. it makes her feel more loved & appreciated..filling her love tank.

I wouldn't worry so much about the fantasizing unless you think she has an EA on the side at work.. (any suspicions here?) as that could steal her emotional energy away from YOU..

I would focus the most on getting to the root of this resentment, finding peace and forgiveness with each other ..understanding you've both made mistakes, could have taken each other for granted or acted out in stress ... really LISTEN to each other.. and own where you messed up.. this will go a long way.... see where she stands...small steps ...taking more time... showing affection to woo her back to you..... you will feel her receptivity as you & her find peace again...

Do you have unresolved Resentment in your life >>>> Resentment Test


...........Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer..........

Resentment often functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off communication between the resentful person & their spouse who they feel wronged them, which often results in future miscommunications & the development of further building of a resentment wall. Because of the consequences they carry, resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Resentment is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral relations among persons, and must be handled and expunged via introspection and forgiveness.

MOST COMMON ISSUES FACED BY COUPLES:
Quote:
“Not Tonight Dear” Why Couples Stop Having Sex (and what you can do about it)

1. Anger and resentment in the relationship
2. Mediocre or boring sex
3. Issues with initiating sex
4. Failure to make sex a priority
5. Excessive masturbation to pornography
6. Failure to attend to personal hygiene or appearance
7. Failure to address sexual dysfunction
8. Forgetting that foreplay starts long before the bedroom

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 03-20-2015 at 03:50 PM.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 06:06 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

have you tried just not staring at her with a laser beam intensity?

Maybe it is unnerving and it breaks her concentration?
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 06:13 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Try fantasizing back?
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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 08:04 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Have you read MMSL?

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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-23-2015, 01:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Simply Amorous, thanks for the response. When I first brought up the subject I simply asked her why was she keeping her eyes closed so much. Her response was basically "What's the big deal, I'm just closing my eyes". I commented that she had never really done that all the time before and from there it sort of escalated into a fight. I overreacted a bit and asked who she was thinking about. I said something is going on and I wanted to know what it was. She proceeded to tell me about how unhappy she was. She told me how unfair she thought it was that she did all the housework and cooking and that I did nothing to help. She said she couldn't live like that anymore and she had thought of a separation.
Actually, in my defense, I do all the maintenance and yard work and while she usually cooked dinner, I always cleaned up the mess.
But, she was right. I wasn't doing my share of the work, considering how many more hours a week she was working.
I pretty much do all the house work now, and we are pretty even on cooking. She is much more skilled in the kitchen than I am and she actually likes to cook. So, she still won't let me take it over, completely.

She did blame me for our financial stress. We currently have two kids enrolled full time in college. We're paying approximately $40,000 per year. This is the fourth and final year of two in school at the same. They worked very hard in high school to get good grades to get into good schools, and we didn't want to deny them the learning experiences of a four year college. This was a financial burden we both knew we would have when the oldest went away to school her first year. It has been a difficult challenge, but we're almost through it. We also didn't want our kids to have a heavy financial debt. upon graduation. To blame me for this I think was very unfair. She has never mentioned it to me since that one evening in bed.

I was layed off in 2008 due to a housing slump. The company went from around 500 employees to approximately 75. Then they, along with every other home builder, went non-union and cut the pay of every remaining employee. That was the first time I lost a job since we were married. Even during this most difficult financial period of my life, when there were no real jobs to be found, I was able to find small jobs to stay busy with, and keep money coming into the household. We never got behind on our mortgage and we always had food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yea, those couple of years really were horrible, but we got through them. And in two months, we're down to only one still in college. Yeehaa!

Yes, she was very resentful. She had been mentioning how little I did to help out, but she has done that for so long that I think I learned to tune it out. I heard her loud and clear when she mentioned separation.
After the big blowout, it was difficult to initiate a serious talk about our marriage again, because I knew how it would go. After an argument one evening, I stayed up and wrote her a three page letter about how I felt. It's hard to stay on track and say the things you want to say when you are arguing, so I find it easier to write a letter. The next morning we talked and she agreed she needed to try harder, also.
Since then, the continuous closed eye thing pretty is much done. It wouldn't really bother me so much at this point, if she did it in smaller doses.
Friday night I shut the lights off and she asked me why I did that. She wanted to keep them on. We usually have them dimmed down, or use candles. I just told her I felt like keeping them off for a change. So, that night I felt that if she needed to fantasize to get in the mood, that was fine. I just didn't want to see it. That's just my own hangup I have to deal with.
I also learned from reading all the posts here that my wife is an acts of service kind of person. Looking back, I realize that she has never really been a big huggy kissy kind of person. I don't think her family is like that at all.
I have felt, for years, as though she didn't really love me all that much, because she didn't show me much physical affection, which is more of what I need, than her. I didn't realize that she was showing me her love by her actions. Which were plenty, and I just took them all for granted. By the same token, I have always commented on her looks, and how I felt about her, and would show her affection, but it seemed as if that didn't resonate with her. Today, I mentioned her love language to her and also mentioned mine. She agreed that she is more of an acts of service type. I'm not really, so I think she has been feeling the same sort of neglect as I have been feeling. She just doesn't communicate her feelings well. I'll see how it goes.
We really are very good together and I think we complement each others skill sets, very well. Our weekends are typically spent doing things together and we always look forward to them.

One other issue we are facing more often now is her low sex drive. About twelve years ago, she had a hysterectomy. She still has her ovaries and is now going through menopause. I find her very sexy, and after spending the entire weekend with her, my desire to be intimate with her is all I can think of. Saturday I wanted to be, and Sunday, even more so. All I hear from her then is, that all I think of is sex. It might be true, but doesn't she realize that you can't just shut it off. Still, we do have sex every week, usually, and she does initiate around half the time. Sometimes, it's really good, and sometimes not so good. I will give her credit for having sex when she's not really in the mood, but, I think those times are not that great. If I knew in advance, the state of her mind, I would turn her down on those days.
She really is an incredible woman and I don't think that I would ever find someone better than she is for me. We all have flaws, and I can live with hers. The question becomes, am I better off with her, flaws and all, or better off without her. I choose her and she still, apparently, chooses me. Now, I just have to keep on working to keep her from changing her mind.

Last edited by Earl 2; 03-23-2015 at 02:02 AM.
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-23-2015, 03:33 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

You have good insights and it is obvious that you are working to make your marriage good for both of you.

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Sometimes, it's really good, and sometimes not so good. I will give her credit for having sex when she's not really in the mood, but, I think those times are not that great. If I knew in advance, the state of her mind, I would turn her down on those days.
I would not recommend this. If she is not really in the mood, but she approaches you anyway, she is showing her to love you through her love language. Do not rebuff her loving behavior towards you. Enjoy her desire to bless you. It will make her happy and draw you closer, even if it's not the best physically. Also, those hormones and the physical contact are healthy for your relationship when she is freely offering her love to you.

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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-23-2015, 05:36 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

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Earl 2 said: I also learned from reading all the posts here that my wife is an acts of service kind of person. Looking back, I realize that she has never really been a big huggy kissy kind of person. I don't think her family is like that at all.

I have felt, for years, as though she didn't really love me all that much, because she didn't show me much physical affection, which is more of what I need, than her. I didn't realize that she was showing me her love by her actions. Which were plenty, and I just took them all for granted. By the same token, I have always commented on her looks, and how I felt about her, and would show her affection, but it seemed as if that didn't resonate with her. Today, I mentioned her love language to her and also mentioned mine. She agreed that she is more of an acts of service type. I'm not really, so I think she has been feeling the same sort of neglect as I have been feeling. She just doesn't communicate her feelings well. I'll see how it goes.
We really are very good together and I think we complement each others skill sets, very well. Our weekends are typically spent doing things together and we always look forward to them.
What you have said here.. SO VERY TYPICAL....

It's definitely a little more "WORK" in a marriage when our love languages are off like that...as we can't really grasp why the other feels the way they do.. because we just don't... ..... it brings so much more JOY to do the things we naturally want to do & express.. ..so yeah.. more effort is needed here.. for you both...

Now that you "get it" ... you love her, want to revive what you have.... she seems to love you , still initiating you.. she's been honest (that's important !!).. so much worse if a wife refuses to talk or says "nothing is wrong" trying to stuff her feelings.... ..

I think you have lots to work with here!!

As you continue DOING for her, the daily acts of service.. this will become more of a habit, it should UP her spirits towards you.. soon only 1 kid in college..I bet her eyes will be opening again.....

I remember reading this question being asked on a thread yrs ago here.... going by the replies... it sounded like a good many do close their eyes..and it doesn't mean anything is even wrong. In your case, it was something new.. and it's good you & she started to really dig & talk about the issues..

And on her end.. hopefully she is coming to understand YOU.. and what makes YOU feel loved/ wanted..... more touchy / feely, the words of affirmation.... she could work on that..

The Book >> The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

The Test Love Languages Personal Profile

You both could fill out one of these too...

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 01-21-2016, 05:26 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Hm, here's my 2 cents. I'm biased because of my personal experience, but is it possible she's closing her eyes because you've become unattractive (gained weight)?
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