Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed
Simply Amorous, thanks for the response. When I first brought up the subject I simply asked her why was she keeping her eyes closed so much. Her response was basically "What's the big deal, I'm just closing my eyes". I commented that she had never really done that all the time before and from there it sort of escalated into a fight. I overreacted a bit and asked who she was thinking about. I said something is going on and I wanted to know what it was. She proceeded to tell me about how unhappy she was. She told me how unfair she thought it was that she did all the housework and cooking and that I did nothing to help. She said she couldn't live like that anymore and she had thought of a separation.
Actually, in my defense, I do all the maintenance and yard work and while she usually cooked dinner, I always cleaned up the mess.
But, she was right. I wasn't doing my share of the work, considering how many more hours a week she was working.
I pretty much do all the house work now, and we are pretty even on cooking. She is much more skilled in the kitchen than I am and she actually likes to cook. So, she still won't let me take it over, completely.
She did blame me for our financial stress. We currently have two kids enrolled full time in college. We're paying approximately $40,000 per year. This is the fourth and final year of two in school at the same. They worked very hard in high school to get good grades to get into good schools, and we didn't want to deny them the learning experiences of a four year college. This was a financial burden we both knew we would have when the oldest went away to school her first year. It has been a difficult challenge, but we're almost through it. We also didn't want our kids to have a heavy financial debt. upon graduation. To blame me for this I think was very unfair. She has never mentioned it to me since that one evening in bed.
I was layed off in 2008 due to a housing slump. The company went from around 500 employees to approximately 75. Then they, along with every other home builder, went non-union and cut the pay of every remaining employee. That was the first time I lost a job since we were married. Even during this most difficult financial period of my life, when there were no real jobs to be found, I was able to find small jobs to stay busy with, and keep money coming into the household. We never got behind on our mortgage and we always had food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yea, those couple of years really were horrible, but we got through them. And in two months, we're down to only one still in college. Yeehaa!
Yes, she was very resentful. She had been mentioning how little I did to help out, but she has done that for so long that I think I learned to tune it out. I heard her loud and clear when she mentioned separation.
After the big blowout, it was difficult to initiate a serious talk about our marriage again, because I knew how it would go. After an argument one evening, I stayed up and wrote her a three page letter about how I felt. It's hard to stay on track and say the things you want to say when you are arguing, so I find it easier to write a letter. The next morning we talked and she agreed she needed to try harder, also.
Since then, the continuous closed eye thing pretty is much done. It wouldn't really bother me so much at this point, if she did it in smaller doses.
Friday night I shut the lights off and she asked me why I did that. She wanted to keep them on. We usually have them dimmed down, or use candles. I just told her I felt like keeping them off for a change. So, that night I felt that if she needed to fantasize to get in the mood, that was fine. I just didn't want to see it. That's just my own hangup I have to deal with.
I also learned from reading all the posts here that my wife is an acts of service kind of person. Looking back, I realize that she has never really been a big huggy kissy kind of person. I don't think her family is like that at all.
I have felt, for years, as though she didn't really love me all that much, because she didn't show me much physical affection, which is more of what I need, than her. I didn't realize that she was showing me her love by her actions. Which were plenty, and I just took them all for granted. By the same token, I have always commented on her looks, and how I felt about her, and would show her affection, but it seemed as if that didn't resonate with her. Today, I mentioned her love language to her and also mentioned mine. She agreed that she is more of an acts of service type. I'm not really, so I think she has been feeling the same sort of neglect as I have been feeling. She just doesn't communicate her feelings well. I'll see how it goes.
We really are very good together and I think we complement each others skill sets, very well. Our weekends are typically spent doing things together and we always look forward to them.
One other issue we are facing more often now is her low sex drive. About twelve years ago, she had a hysterectomy. She still has her ovaries and is now going through menopause. I find her very sexy, and after spending the entire weekend with her, my desire to be intimate with her is all I can think of. Saturday I wanted to be, and Sunday, even more so. All I hear from her then is, that all I think of is sex. It might be true, but doesn't she realize that you can't just shut it off. Still, we do have sex every week, usually, and she does initiate around half the time. Sometimes, it's really good, and sometimes not so good. I will give her credit for having sex when she's not really in the mood, but, I think those times are not that great. If I knew in advance, the state of her mind, I would turn her down on those days.
She really is an incredible woman and I don't think that I would ever find someone better than she is for me. We all have flaws, and I can live with hers. The question becomes, am I better off with her, flaws and all, or better off without her. I choose her and she still, apparently, chooses me. Now, I just have to keep on working to keep her from changing her mind.
Last edited by Earl 2; 03-23-2015 at 02:02 AM.