What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-11-2015, 02:58 AM Thread Starter
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What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

I have been married for 27 yrs. I always thought my wife and I had a pretty good relationship. The sex was fun, we do a lot of things together. We usually spend our free time together. Overall, I thought she was generally happy.
During lovemaking we always had a lot of eye contact, even during the times she wasn't totally in the mood.
Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, I have noticed a lack of eye contact. Even during a change of position, she will have her eyes locked shut. I have started watching for it and her eyes are closed almost the entire time now. I brought it up a couple of times and she just gets very defensive and angry.
To me, it feels like I'm watching her make love to someone else. I feel totally disconnected from her. She doesn't admit it, but I seriously think she is fantasizing about someone else, and it is happening every time, now. I'm almost to the point I don't want sex with her anymore.
We have been under a lot of financial stress paying for two kids in college and her job is very stressful, lately. She also blames me totally for our financial problems. I work in the building trades and was out of work for 2 years when this recession hit back in 2008. I had never been out of work the entire time we have been married until then, and she was a stay at home mom, working 2 days a week so she could spend more time with our 3 children. She went back fulltime when I was layed off. She told me she blamed me after the first time I asked her what is going on with her eyes closed. She also said she was thinking about a separation, and that she has never been so unhappy. I don't understand how we can spend time together laughing and having fun with numerous activities and then she tells me she has been thinking of a separation. I feel like I just got hit by a truck. Since our argument, we seemingly get along again. We spend our free together and I feel close to her, but I felt that way before, too.
I honestly don't think she has had an affair, but I do think there might be someone she knows that she is fantasizing about. After valentines day I will bring it up again if I notice her in her little dream world while having sex with me. Also, while we do get along well, and seem to enjoy each others company, I have been feeling like we are just roommates, not lovers. There has been very little, if any, physical contact outside of the bedroom the last couple years. I can understand this if she is so unhappy.
I guess I feel as if she has just fallen out of love with me but can't go through with leaving me just yet. I don't really know what to think. I am fairly confident there is no one else, at least so far. Who knows, maybe she isn't fantasizing? But, it sure feels like it.
I should also mention that she said part of the problem was that I don't do enough to help out at home with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I have stepped up my game in that area and I don't believe she would leave me now. The big thing is paying for tuition and that will be easier in 3 months when only one is still in school.
Maybe her frustration with my lack of helping has caused her loss of feeling close to me and the lack of non-sexual intimacy.

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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-11-2015, 05:55 AM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

It sounds rather reasonable that she may be fantasizing.

IMHO, yours is an excellent question for a psychologist!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-11-2015, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Lila, thanks for responding. She says she has been going through menopause lately and mentioned being a little dryer than normal and not being in the mood as often.. She seemed upset that I would accuse her of fantasizing about someone else. Actually, I asked her if she was, not accuse her of it.
I always enjoyed our sex life and she has said she does, also.
I just feel that with her anger at me lately, she just doesn't feel very close and maybe the only way to deal with sex with me at the moment and get in the mood, is to think of someone else. I guess it's possible she isn't fantasizing, but it sure seems like she is. I can't stop thinking about it and picturing her face so disconnected from what we are doing and how it used to be.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-11-2015, 01:37 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-11-2015, 01:41 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Try bondage?
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-13-2015, 10:03 AM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Good evening all
If I thought my wife was fantasizing in bed, I'd ask her what the fantasy was so I could play along. I'm happy to be the dashing pirate captain, or crown prince of Croatobaltislavonia, a savage viking warrior, or pretty much anything else -- except many not the guy from Twilight, I do have my limits.
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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-13-2015, 02:57 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Earl 2, I sent you a PM

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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 05:38 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

she is thinking about separating!

hmm

distant
not doing enough around the house
no physical contact out side the bed room
resents you because she had to go back to work

why wouldn't she want to work after the kids are in collage for crying out loud.

your not going to like what i say. But i would be concerned that she is indeed cheating.
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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 09:32 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Threetimesalady View Post
What makes anyone know/think a psychologist or anyone else knows what lives inside the mind of a woman...Most of them don't know that much about life with the exception of what they have read...Each woman is different...Each time in life has a different meaning...Some of us age with grace and others go deeper into ourselves...thus the joy of the aging woman who goes for the younger man...
I would think this insulting to most women!

???
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 09:55 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Threetimesalady View Post
What makes anyone know/think a psychologist or anyone else knows what lives inside the mind of a woman...Most of them don't know that much about life with the exception of what they have read...Each woman is different...Each time in life has a different meaning...Some of us age with grace and others go deeper into ourselves...thus the joy of the aging woman who goes for the younger man...
Even I thought this was a low blow to the chicks!

Some chicks get phucked up, beat and abandoned.......you can't read that shyt in books!

OP, the way I see it, as long as you are the only one between your old ladies legs...then who cares how many shades, or what color your old lady is fantasizing about.

However I would but my mate guard up and look into any POS that might be trying to move in on your old lady. Check her phone.


Last edited by the guy; 02-18-2015 at 10:03 PM.
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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 10:15 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

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Originally Posted by Threetimesalady View Post
How is it insulting?...Each woman and her thoughts are different...You don't know where she lives during sex....She can say one thing and be thinking another...This is also true of a man...As long as she is happy and enjoying it he should be too...IMO, he is just looking for a problem........After menopause a woman really starts to get into it with sex....This, IMO, is a troubling word (menopause) that we as women are brought up to think...It can be an excuse...It can be a way out...All of these things can happen...What happens if we start really enjoying it?...Letting it all hang out and giving...Do all men worry then because we are now happy and erotic?....
It's all good.

I usually hang out in the CWI section Of TAM so as long as OP's old lady isn't phucking around and laying with her man out of duty...then it's all good.

Hell I still can't figure out how I could look into my old ladies eyes when alls I can see is her pelvis and a little strip of hair.


I'm wired different then most....that whole eye contact thing is just foreplay.... I figure my old lady is looking into my eyes to see what she is going to be up against for the next hour.

Thread jack over!
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks to everyone for responding. We had a really good talk the other day about our relationship and she said she doesn't want to leave. She said she said that in anger, and I guess I have said similar things to her myself over the years She said she wants it to work and wants another twenty-seven years together years. She realizes we both need to try harder to give what the other needs. We went out to dinner Friday night and then stopped at a friend's restaurant on the way home for a drink and while we were sitting at the bar talking, we were turned on our seats facing each other and I could see the old familiar twinkle in her eyes that I always loved to see. I know she still loves me and she does always do nice little things for me that she doesn't need to do. She tells me she still loves me and I believe her. We did make love Friday night and the closed eye thing was gone. That felt nice and maybe it was just a lack of feeling close to me. I have been doing a lot more of the household chores, most actually, which she says she really appreciates. Oddly enough, I kind of enjoy it. Maybe, because I know that she appreciates it and is a happier person because of it. The financial issues with tuition are still a concern, but we will figure it out.
In ninety days my second daughter is done with college, so that will leave only one to pay for, for only two more years. A piece of cake.
Interestingly enough, I was talking to my oldest daughter tonight and she tells me she had a conversation with her mother a few days ago, and that my wife referred to me as her soul mate. I really don't understand my wife, I guess.
Anyhow, I know she has never had an affair and I don't believe she would ever betray me like that. I think she would divorce me first and I really don't think that is going to happen. We have been getting along very well. I went skiing with a friend yesterday and she offered to make my lunch for me and she also bought a few snacks for me at the grocery store. That doesn't really sound like someone that wants out of the marriage. In fact, it sounds like my wife of old. I think we've turned a corner for the better and with continued attention to her needs, I think we will emerge stronger than ever. I hope so.
Thanks again for your inputs.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-21-2015, 10:13 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

I hope you are right. After reading so many threads like this, I don't think you have enough info to come to a conclusion about cheating.

Unexplained and unusually extra nice behavior is a way of diverting the suspicions of a spouse. The cheater may seem more happy and loving than they have in a long time. The fog makes everything brighter. Is your wife taking more of an interest in her appearance, exercising, and losing weight?

Your wife works out of the home, she is unhappy in the marriage and with you. Motive, opportunity and marriage script rewrite. Your sense of something wrong is one of the biggest indicators. Trust your gut. Do some serious investigation.
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2015, 04:23 AM Thread Starter
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She works from home. All of her coworkers work in different states. She really doesnt have time for an affair. What i mean by that is, i know where she is when she isnt working. I have wondered that same thing but i dont think thats it. I am not covering my head in the sand and refusing to believe that shes cheating. It was my first suspicion. But, i dont think so. Could she have cheated when out of town on business, maybe, but, she never seemed different or appeared guilty when i picked her up. I really dont think thats it and i have looked into it. Text messages show up on the phone bill. She could use her work phone but i never see her using it when she isnt working.
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-26-2015, 11:21 PM
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Re: What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed

Fantasizing during sex is 100% normal. Married as long as you have been don't lie us and tell us you haven't done that too. Be honest about it. Have fun with it. Love your lady with confidence and don't sweat the small stuff.
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