Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years
To answer your question, am I better off now with or with out? That is a loaded question. We are no where near finalize what we are doing yet, other than living apart for the past 4 years but do I miss the arguing? NO way. The tension in our daily life together, no way. Can I enjoy my day with out flipping the bird at him when he walks away now, yeap.
Do I miss going out to dinners, having someone to be around, someone to talk with , yup I do that, but he and I will never be the way we were before. I love him still, but I am not in love with him as I was. I could and would do anything for him, and he knew so, as I even defended him many times against his own family, but then we had each others back. All that we had for 30 years is gone. Its so true, you spend a life time building your reputation, and can take one big f*** up to ruin it .
I am too in my early 60's, and have been sexually active all our marriage. He was gone a lot during it ((airline pilot)) and every time he return the days off we had sex everytime, at all different times of the day. And sadly, I was one of the female that enjoyed sex! I think men get this wrong in this area about women and sex. Ive said this before, Women like sex... they just dont like bad sex.
In fact when I found out about his affair one of of our really bad fights were about when I asked him, "Did you even think about me and sex? What the f*** am I to do now??
We just went throught a pretty big discussion this weekend over the state of our limbo. It was pretty traumatic for both of us, and we are both pretty drained right now. His one comment that stays with me, "So what am I suppose to do now? Sit her and watch you have a life with a complete stranger? You take a gamble on someone new that you have no idea about? When you wont take a gamble on me ? When you are my life."
This is where I am not better off, I feel trapped. My huband want us to try so much to work on us, to not give it up. He tell me over and over how much I am his world, his family. Me walking away or me asking for the marriage to end is like to him our son asking to D us. His male friends tell him he is crazy after 4 yrs, D her a** give her the mim and walk away. Start a new life, let her see what she((me))will be missing. These are the same guys that I have also known for 30+ years... he tells them he could never do that...but he told me he could never cheat.
Ok I know, the answer is to D. Which brings me to am I not better off or not?
I dont know, all I know is I liked where I was. I was happy where I was. My life was pretty dare good where it was. Can it be that again w my hub. No, and this weekend he told me he realized I will never be "there for him" again.
He has played the victim, the narc, the accuser, the resenter, the remoresful, the pityful, kind, generous, conducive, ww through out all of this, but there is one big part of it all that I just cant get past... I cant give him the love that he so much wants from me after he gave himself and our life away to her. Im far from purtain as that sounds, as I am a very progressive in mind thought female.
I came to age when women could have it all, the late 70's, Ive never worked, I ve traveled everywhere, I live my life in my own world thinking I am living the life of ralley. When women aske me, "don't you miss working? "I would be thinking, "hmmmm, let me think of that when I going down the Mekong River and you are in a cube...," I came and went, answered to no one really, did as i please, had zero real worries. The world was really ours and we used it. But boy, did that "progressive thinking" come back to kick me in the butt, as I have world experience, but I lack working skills... I am unemployable at the grand age of 60, and now that I may be forces out to work, as my state does not look foundly on long term marriages. ((I was told I was too old for rehab prog back into the work world!!! OMG !!!by a lawyer !!! ))
But Lillian Carter joined the peace corp at 60. And yes, we have all the retirement stuff and everything will be divided 50%, but he can cont to work well into the next 10 yrs as a consultant, flying privatly, or training... My lawyer told me at best, it comes out to 27% each after all is done and paid ... but he can rebuild I cant for a much longer time. Laws are still written by men for men, and sadly passed by men for the most part still.
Anyway didnt mean to make this so long, but thanks for asking if Im better off now or not, Im still trying to answer, Im back in IC after 10 months away, so maybe Ill find what I need to find this time around.
Last edited by Am sammy 3; 08-31-2015 at 09:28 AM.