Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-20-2015, 12:40 PM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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I was married almost 30 yrs b4 my hub had an affair. We had a good marriage. Or as I thought. My parents were married 62 yrs, mom died, all my young childhood neighs grew up w parents that stayed together. In laws over 55 yrs, FIL died.

My own neighborhood I'm surrounded by couples my age, 50-60'-70's who have been married a very long time.

Most of my close friends are also in long term marriages. And most of my friends are in marriages without stress of $, kids are grown, parents are dead, or taken care of. Are most of them happy? Is there passion? 50/50, and its 50/50 if it's the men or women who get bored.

But since I've been single, I've spent a lot of time looking at older couples as I'm saddened as now I'll be growing old alone.

Whether I'm sitting in Central Park or shopping in Walmart, or boarding an airplane, but what I see are the couples who show each other kindness, tenderness, respect & a sweetness towards each other most likely do so in all other parts of there lives together. So what ever is passion for one couple may be totally different for another as they age.

~ sammy
You certainly don't have to remain single... there are opportunities out there to meet some good potential mates. Not as easy as it was years ago, but still there. It takes confidence and putting forth a good honest effort. Go for it.

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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-21-2015, 10:56 AM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

Thanks Novemeber for the kind words. It's funny, when h & I went to mc each one told us, "You two have what couple work so hard to get to!" Yet he still had an affair.

We traveled the world together, (a lot))we so often sat in front of our kitchen fireplace with wine talking of love life & pursuits of happiness. We were close. We had sex at all different times of the day bc his job was like that, not on a regular 9-5. We sat together and watched all kinds of tv shows together. We ate dinners together, hel'd wine and dine me, bought me flowers, nice xmas gifts, each of us going out of our way for each other. There was real love there.

Yup it change over the years as we were 28 & 29 when we met. No child, Just us, We were gypies at heart, we were well matched. Our marriage was easy, it flowed. It wasnt this hard work everyone speaks of, because we wanted to be together, and together we were.

The first night I met my h, I told a friend, "If things worked out, I think I just met the person I will spend the rest of my life with." Two days later, I moved to New England with him, and we have been together since, even in separation we are together, 33 years later, 4 yrs after his affair living in pure hellish limbo.

From living in a complete blissful relationship overnight to to a complete different one, yes, marraiges change. So does love.

I think a lot of my friends marriage started to shift in one way or another when both the men & women start into the 50's. I dont think we really understand the changes each start to experience, but we just know that we start to miss what was. Women start to see the aging, starting menopause, kids leaving the nest, jobs, career moves, aging parents. For the men very much the same, there is a shift in the marriages at this point for sure. Outer outside stress, sometimes it doesnt leave much time for much more than, "let's do it, man that was great, thx." Not much passion there from the early days.

Even with a close marriage, doing things right, or thinks so, I have no idea on my end what keeps a marriage going, as I have 2 other friends who have the worst marriage of 31 yrs, and both men talk of the great sex they get, wives talk of of how much hubby loves them, but what they dont know is hubby is off in Hong Kong banging 5 women at once, and other hubby cant wait to retire to leave wifie, but until then gets the best bj in the world.

Another married friend, married, 40 years, wife size of a house. H not far behind. " We'll love each other no matter what we look like."

I didnt let myself go, for my age. I dont think I'm hard on the eyes, can clean up quite nicely. I'm educated, interesting, easy going, love the world, hubby had a great thing going & now knows it. People who knew us were in total shock. Told us we changed their whole beliefs in marriage!

He is begging me to remember all the good things he did in our marriage instead of the bad mistake, the affair. Yup, looking back over a 30+ marriage I see so much. My gf friend is in a 47 yr marriage, h has dementia, she no longer loves him at all the way she did, and no, there is no intimacy. She too looks over a lifetime spent w one man she so fell in love with 47 years ago with such a love story, and she tells me of how her love has changes throughout the life.


So I dont, I dont know what the secrets is to aging and keeping it alive, but I saw my parent play bumper cars in their house with their walkers, and they looked like they were having lots of fun...

~sammy

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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-21-2015, 04:27 PM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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You still have good legs for your age Angela.
Not actually my legs, but mine are not too bad. LOL.

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Seriously I don't think sex is the reason for living but it is a generous gift given by God to help hold marriages together.
Not sure what mythical deities have to do with it, but that is a whole different argument. If a god had any influence on the design of our bodies he'd have put the clitoris beside or inside the vagina, not at the top of the vulva more than an inch away from the action!!

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I have tried Cialis etc. but don't think it is healthy and my wife doesn't want me to use it, so we have glorious foreplay instead.
Your last paragraph implies you don't understand ED. So to clarify, Viagra is not taken by Peter as a recreational drug, but to deal with the side effects of drugs taken for a medical problem which can cause erectile dysfunction. You give the impression that you maybe think it is all down to better foreplay and that is a complete misunderstanding of the situation. ED usually rears its ugly head in the middle of sexual intercourse after penetration (in our case) and it happens when least expected. Peter has to use it occasionally because of his medical condition. Our foreplay is phenomenal and ED never occurs during petting or fellatio, only during intercourse after penetration (it affects other men differently sometimes of course).

No drugs are healthy, but some are necessary like warfarin to prevent another stroke, perindopril to lower his blood pressure and others, too. In fact, the perindopril, amlodipine and bisoprolol have ED as a side-effect which is another reason sildenafil is prescribed by his cardiologist.

Just clarifying. Good foreplay is always a good idea and we are great advocates.
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-21-2015, 06:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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I know what you mean Young at Heart. Looks like the men have lost their masculinity and have become virtual slaves of their wives. That isn't how love is supposed to be.
Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book that has a slightly different, but similar theme. It urges men to become integrated men who improve themselves and take responsibility for their own happiness.
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 04:27 PM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

Raymond
Your the only responder so far to mention "kink". I found that as I aged became "kinkier" and fortunately my wife was always willing to participate, so that helped to keep our sex life interesting over the past 47 years of marriage.

My wife is my best friend and I am rarely seen out of work when she is not with me. We never seem to get tired of each other's company and we have been that close since we were teenagers..

One of the changes in our intimacy in recent years, is my focus now on her satisfaction over mine. We enjoy our about twice weekly sexual encounters and are very happy with each other. Recently I have tried Viagra and Cialis a couple of times and they did improve my performance, but they are not something I need to take regularly. A lot of our sex occurs spontaneously, so there is no advance time for me to take the pills. During all of our years together my wife has rarely instigated intimacy between us, something that I have found to be very frustrating, as most husbands in similar situations can appreciate. But on those occasions she did; WOW.

Unlike other long term marriages we read/know about, we never had to go thru what is commonly referred to as, "a rough patch". I guess we have been pretty lucky. Not that we have not had a few serious discussions over issues, but we work them out in fairly short time. We made an agreement early on to never go to sleep mad and so far we have followed that, which put us on the road to resolution a lot quicker. We are both lucky enough to somehow be devoid the famous green monster, jealousy, which eliminated at number of potential issues between us.

Sammi
I feel bad for you that after 30 years you guys split up over your husband's betrayal. Not knowing the details or the emotions involved, was it worth ending that long term and as you described, an apparently loving marriage over this transgression? The old question hangs in the air, are you better off now w/o him????
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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-30-2015, 09:09 AM
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You are in your 70s and having sex twice a week? I am lucky if it happens once a month. In our 60s.
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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-30-2015, 11:12 AM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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You are in your 70s and having sex twice a week? I am lucky if it happens once a month. In our 60s.
There's lots of 60 and 70 yr olds that have it twice a week. I'm over 60 and can do 4x a week... easily. And I'm nothing special. And I'm always up for more experimenting and new things (you'd think they had all been discovered by now)...
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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-30-2015, 05:16 PM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

Okguy

Not quite 70 yet, but it is coming. We were married quite young, especially by today's standards. Yes, usually twice a week, sometimes "life" happens to get in the way like everyone else and it might only be once a week.
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-30-2015, 05:22 PM
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No way we will ever be doing it twice a week.
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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-31-2015, 09:12 AM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

Caribvistors,

To answer your question, am I better off now with or with out? That is a loaded question. We are no where near finalize what we are doing yet, other than living apart for the past 4 years but do I miss the arguing? NO way. The tension in our daily life together, no way. Can I enjoy my day with out flipping the bird at him when he walks away now, yeap.

Do I miss going out to dinners, having someone to be around, someone to talk with , yup I do that, but he and I will never be the way we were before. I love him still, but I am not in love with him as I was. I could and would do anything for him, and he knew so, as I even defended him many times against his own family, but then we had each others back. All that we had for 30 years is gone. Its so true, you spend a life time building your reputation, and can take one big f*** up to ruin it .

I am too in my early 60's, and have been sexually active all our marriage. He was gone a lot during it ((airline pilot)) and every time he return the days off we had sex everytime, at all different times of the day. And sadly, I was one of the female that enjoyed sex! I think men get this wrong in this area about women and sex. Ive said this before, Women like sex... they just dont like bad sex.

In fact when I found out about his affair one of of our really bad fights were about when I asked him, "Did you even think about me and sex? What the f*** am I to do now??

We just went throught a pretty big discussion this weekend over the state of our limbo. It was pretty traumatic for both of us, and we are both pretty drained right now. His one comment that stays with me, "So what am I suppose to do now? Sit her and watch you have a life with a complete stranger? You take a gamble on someone new that you have no idea about? When you wont take a gamble on me ? When you are my life."


This is where I am not better off, I feel trapped. My huband want us to try so much to work on us, to not give it up. He tell me over and over how much I am his world, his family. Me walking away or me asking for the marriage to end is like to him our son asking to D us. His male friends tell him he is crazy after 4 yrs, D her a** give her the mim and walk away. Start a new life, let her see what she((me))will be missing. These are the same guys that I have also known for 30+ years... he tells them he could never do that...but he told me he could never cheat.

Ok I know, the answer is to D. Which brings me to am I not better off or not?

I dont know, all I know is I liked where I was. I was happy where I was. My life was pretty dare good where it was. Can it be that again w my hub. No, and this weekend he told me he realized I will never be "there for him" again.


He has played the victim, the narc, the accuser, the resenter, the remoresful, the pityful, kind, generous, conducive, ww through out all of this, but there is one big part of it all that I just cant get past... I cant give him the love that he so much wants from me after he gave himself and our life away to her. Im far from purtain as that sounds, as I am a very progressive in mind thought female.

I came to age when women could have it all, the late 70's, Ive never worked, I ve traveled everywhere, I live my life in my own world thinking I am living the life of ralley. When women aske me, "don't you miss working? "I would be thinking, "hmmmm, let me think of that when I going down the Mekong River and you are in a cube...," I came and went, answered to no one really, did as i please, had zero real worries. The world was really ours and we used it. But boy, did that "progressive thinking" come back to kick me in the butt, as I have world experience, but I lack working skills... I am unemployable at the grand age of 60, and now that I may be forces out to work, as my state does not look foundly on long term marriages. ((I was told I was too old for rehab prog back into the work world!!! OMG !!!by a lawyer !!! ))

But Lillian Carter joined the peace corp at 60. And yes, we have all the retirement stuff and everything will be divided 50%, but he can cont to work well into the next 10 yrs as a consultant, flying privatly, or training... My lawyer told me at best, it comes out to 27% each after all is done and paid ... but he can rebuild I cant for a much longer time. Laws are still written by men for men, and sadly passed by men for the most part still.

Anyway didnt mean to make this so long, but thanks for asking if Im better off now or not, Im still trying to answer, Im back in IC after 10 months away, so maybe Ill find what I need to find this time around.

~sammy


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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-02-2015, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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Caribvistors,

To answer your question, am I better off now with or with out? That is a loaded question.

..... I love him still, but I am not in love with him as I was. I could and would do anything for him, and he knew so, as I even defended him many times against his own family, but then we had each others back.

....I am too in my early 60's, and have been sexually active all our marriage.

....I feel trapped. My huband want us to try so much to work on us, to not give it up. He tell me over and over how much I am his world, his family. Me walking away or me asking for the marriage to end is like to him our son asking to D us.

Ok I know, the answer is to D. Which brings me to am I not better off or not?

I dont know, all I know is I liked where I was. I was happy where I was. My life was pretty dare good where it was. Can it be that again w my hub. No, and this weekend he told me he realized I will never be "there for him" again.

....Anyway didnt mean to make this so long, but thanks for asking if Im better off now or not, Im still trying to answer, Im back in IC after 10 months away, so maybe Ill find what I need to find this time around.

~sammy
Try to work with you IC to break things down into managable pieces. That is find something you want to change, then break it into small doable pieces and set some goals for achieving them. Then reward yourself for each goal you achieve.

In an endurance race, it sometimes comes down to mental approach. I am just going to run until I reach the end of the block then I will establish a new goal. I am am just going to run until I get half way up that hill and then I will power walk the rest of the way to the top and start running from the top again.

Figure out what makes you happy. Then do things and add things to your life that make you happy. Do it in small steps until you actually can look yourself in the mirron and say, "I am truly happy with myself."

Figure out what if any relationship you want with your H and then work to make it a reality.

Good luck.
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-02-2015, 06:10 PM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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Caribvistors,

To answer your question, am I better off now with or with out? That is a loaded question. We are no where near finalize what we are doing yet, other than living apart for the past 4 years but do I miss the arguing? NO way. The tension in our daily life together, no way. Can I enjoy my day with out flipping the bird at him when he walks away now, yeap.

Do I miss going out to dinners, having someone to be around, someone to talk with , yup I do that, but he and I will never be the way we were before. I love him still, but I am not in love with him as I was. I could and would do anything for him, and he knew so, as I even defended him many times against his own family, but then we had each others back. All that we had for 30 years is gone. Its so true, you spend a life time building your reputation, and can take one big f*** up to ruin it .

I am too in my early 60's, and have been sexually active all our marriage. He was gone a lot during it ((airline pilot)) and every time he return the days off we had sex everytime, at all different times of the day. And sadly, I was one of the female that enjoyed sex! I think men get this wrong in this area about women and sex. Ive said this before, Women like sex... they just dont like bad sex.

In fact when I found out about his affair one of of our really bad fights were about when I asked him, "Did you even think about me and sex? What the f*** am I to do now??

We just went throught a pretty big discussion this weekend over the state of our limbo. It was pretty traumatic for both of us, and we are both pretty drained right now. His one comment that stays with me, "So what am I suppose to do now? Sit her and watch you have a life with a complete stranger? You take a gamble on someone new that you have no idea about? When you wont take a gamble on me ? When you are my life."


This is where I am not better off, I feel trapped. My huband want us to try so much to work on us, to not give it up. He tell me over and over how much I am his world, his family. Me walking away or me asking for the marriage to end is like to him our son asking to D us. His male friends tell him he is crazy after 4 yrs, D her a** give her the mim and walk away. Start a new life, let her see what she((me))will be missing. These are the same guys that I have also known for 30+ years... he tells them he could never do that...but he told me he could never cheat.

Ok I know, the answer is to D. Which brings me to am I not better off or not?

I dont know, all I know is I liked where I was. I was happy where I was. My life was pretty dare good where it was. Can it be that again w my hub. No, and this weekend he told me he realized I will never be "there for him" again.


He has played the victim, the narc, the accuser, the resenter, the remoresful, the pityful, kind, generous, conducive, ww through out all of this, but there is one big part of it all that I just cant get past... I cant give him the love that he so much wants from me after he gave himself and our life away to her. Im far from purtain as that sounds, as I am a very progressive in mind thought female.

I came to age when women could have it all, the late 70's, Ive never worked, I ve traveled everywhere, I live my life in my own world thinking I am living the life of ralley. When women aske me, "don't you miss working? "I would be thinking, "hmmmm, let me think of that when I going down the Mekong River and you are in a cube...," I came and went, answered to no one really, did as i please, had zero real worries. The world was really ours and we used it. But boy, did that "progressive thinking" come back to kick me in the butt, as I have world experience, but I lack working skills... I am unemployable at the grand age of 60, and now that I may be forces out to work, as my state does not look foundly on long term marriages. ((I was told I was too old for rehab prog back into the work world!!! OMG !!!by a lawyer !!! ))

But Lillian Carter joined the peace corp at 60. And yes, we have all the retirement stuff and everything will be divided 50%, but he can cont to work well into the next 10 yrs as a consultant, flying privatly, or training... My lawyer told me at best, it comes out to 27% each after all is done and paid ... but he can rebuild I cant for a much longer time. Laws are still written by men for men, and sadly passed by men for the most part still.

Anyway didnt mean to make this so long, but thanks for asking if Im better off now or not, Im still trying to answer, Im back in IC after 10 months away, so maybe Ill find what I need to find this time around.

~sammy
_sammy,

There's a strong argument to try to reconcile, it he is remorseful and is really sorry, and asks your forgiveness. He has to be sincere, but you'd probably be better of with him than without.

I was in a VERY similar job, like he was, same hours and travel, and there is a HUGE temptation to cheat, especially if working with the same crew for the month. Fortunately most of us can avoid the temptation, but everyone can't. Not giving excuses, but that's what happens.

Good luck, but keep us posted.

November
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-02-2015, 07:45 PM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

Sammi

I am no marriage councilor, but I have been around a lot of folks who have gone thru very difficult times in their marriages, often caused by of infidelity.

First off don't focus on what his friends are telling him about getting a divorce, most are reading from a script. Apparently he is not putting too much value on what they are telling him. If you ask men who went thru a difficult divorce they will swear and even show "examples" of how the laws are heavily tilted in favor of the woman. Never met a husband or wife who survived a divorce court battle that were not convinced they were screwed in the proceedings and court's judgement. I am sure there are exceptions, but that is the general feeling. Only the lawyers win in the end.

Looking in from the outside of the relationship, you are seem to be killing yourself because you are unable or unwilling to "forgive" him for his transgression/s. No one said being married was easy, no matter how long the duration. If it was as good as you claim between you and him and enjoying that nice lifestyle for those 30 years is now apparently over. For the past 4 years you guys have been living apart and "talking" because he hurt you deeply and you still can't let the pain and resentment go, maybe it is time you formally "give up" and end the marriage and get on with your life. Hopefully both of you guys can find someone to share and enjoy the rest of the future. Maybe you will lucky and catch "the brass ring" again.

Based upon what you wrote, he has repeatedly asked you to forgive him and to work on your repairing your marriage, yet you cannot not find it in your heart to do so. Some people just can't or refuse to forgive (that doesn't make them bad folks) but they have to live with the results, both emotionally and financially. As you mentioned, at your stage in life and based upon your work experience and what your going to walk away with (27%), it is going to be difficult.

Don't know about his affair, how serious it was to him, how long it lasted, who the other woman was, etc, but apparently she is no longer in the picture. Yet her actions in conjunction with your husbands, are still impacting your life.
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-14-2015, 02:01 AM
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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Originally Posted by RAYMOND View Post

Seriously I don't think sex is the reason for living but it is a generous gift given by God to help hold marriages together.
I don't think he is doing a great job. Why does he create so much desire imbalance and so many faltering, failed marriages?
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-16-2015, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Aging and keeping the passion after 40+ years

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I don't think he is doing a great job. Why does he create so much desire imbalance and so many faltering, failed marriages?
jak
If you really want to try to figure out the answer may I suggest some of the books by David Schnarch. Passionate Marriage, is about as hard to read as any graduate school textbook I have ever read. The Crucible is not much better.

Schnarch believes that the institution of marriage is that hardest thing two people can do, if done correctly. It will stretch them, tear at them, challenge them and force them to grow emotionally, challenge their emotional foundations, and ultimately allow them to self soothe, differentiate themselves into a more integrated genuine self through compromise with their spouse. In short it takes two people and makes them a single family unit through the crucible of marriage.

Of course you could just say that God loves to provide us with free will and temptation and see who we handle it.
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