BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-06-2015, 05:48 AM Thread Starter
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BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

After a long day at work it may be difficult for some of us to think of doing something meaningful for our relationship.

How do YOU keep the fire burning?

What do you do to (re)connect in spite of busy schedules? I don't mean expensive vacations... I mean what you do at home, every day?

Thank you!

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-06-2015, 05:49 AM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Talk to each other.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-06-2015, 09:31 AM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Always carve some time out of the day to talk or do something without the kids. We would do this right after the kids were put to bed for an hour or so.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-06-2015, 09:48 AM
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Lightbulb Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Talk to each other.
Quite probably the single most important thing that can be done.

The physical element can ebb and flow, especially with young children and sleep deprivation.

Maintaining the intellectual and emotional connection however, this is the thread that will carry you both through the good times, the bad times and the “meh” times.

Choose your words and your actions carefully. They are your children’s true inheritance.”
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-06-2015, 12:46 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

The marriage was there before the kids, that has to be nourished first. To do that you have to take care of yourself first. When the kids were younger, once in a while one person would take the kids to their activities etc to give the other alone down time to do something for themselves. Even if one night every other week. You and your wife need to take care of yourselves before anyone else. Then you will be a better person for it which will improve other aspects. Make sure the two of you have regular time alone without the kids too. You can take the kids to the park and you & your wife can sit and talk on a bench as you watch them. It can be after they go to bed or if you have to get up an hour earlier and sit down and have a quiet breakfast with your wife, simple things like this can make the biggest difference.

We may not have it all together but together we have it all!
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-07-2015, 07:59 AM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

I don't know if we would classify as "BUSY" ... but we have kids...(5 still at home - 1 flew the nest)..

He works full time...I work about 10 hrs a week during his working hours.. We live a pretty simple lifestyle.. Running our kids around, their activities keep us hopping...but really..we're both geared more Homebody-ish...

Husband purposely has his 2 days off on weekdays -which gives us even more alone time...when the kids are in school..

I get what's needed done on the home front....all cleaning, cooking, bill paying , scheduling during his work hours.. so when he gets home... it's US & family time... his nights being OPEN for whatever may come...unless he has something to work on.. Often we shop together too- when dropping daughter off for Gymnastics practice, it's a good time to run to the Grocery store....

Even going to kid events... I guess I still feel it's "US time" sitting in the bleachers cheering them on ...



We enjoy a full house....they do their thing, often having friends over /spending the night ...so long as they are good kids, not trouble makers, I say "the more the merrier!"...Just gotta feed them , and they're happy!... and we do our thing.. the youngest is 8 now.. I think having a larger family is easier somehow as they play together ....

JLD mentioned communication.. Yes... how very very important.. When he comes home...he'll tell me of his day, often he'll have a funny story of one of the guys, the antics of his Boss....(I ask many times!).. .the kids bring plenty of interesting topics up too & we jump into those conversations... We're a pretty OPEN bunch.. no subject is taboo or off the table.... it brings us all closer.. so enjoy the "bantering"...

In the warmer months...sometimes I'll be outside sitting on the swing under the Gazebo when he pulls in the drive.....he'll walk over...and we'll shoot the breeze till we go in to supper..sometimes I bring it outside even..
Every night.. we shut the kids out, doors locked.... for our private time... ....often we'll catch a movie cuddling together.....sometimes we make love before we go to sleep, sometimes hours into the night...he tells me to wake him up ...or we'll catch a quickie before his alarm goes off..

Our sex life is very important to both of us.. it's something I didn't always put enough emphasis on .. .I've lived & learned here.. and we're both all the more happy for it..
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-07-2015, 08:49 AM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post

We enjoy a full house....they do their thing, often having friends over /spending the night ...so long as they are good kids, not trouble makers, I say "the more the merrier!"...Just gotta feed them , and they're happy!... and we do our thing.. the youngest is 8 now.. I think having a larger family is easier somehow as they play together ....


We have 5 kids, a bit older now with 4 at home and we both work full time and this is still true!

We may not have it all together but together we have it all!
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-07-2015, 05:39 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Sit together on patio next to the cheap firepit we got at Lowe's.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-07-2015, 05:46 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Hit the Love languages that she cares about.

Consistent non sexual touch, text or call during day and in person words of affirmation ,acts of service and being a champ even when tired for whatever blows the Mrs. hair back.

AKA not using "busy" as an excuse to be a lousy spouse. I wont go there because it was done to me at times and I hated that, we worked it out and I will never do it back.

Last edited by bbqbeefkake; 04-07-2015 at 08:41 PM.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-10-2015, 11:47 AM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Kids get busy too. When they are busy sneak away and try not to make too much noise or rock the bed too loudly...

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-10-2015, 01:13 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Nights begin the same.

Come in the door - without cell phone glued to ear

Peripheral vision shuts off - rest of world disappears.

Big smile - eye contact - warm hello - long full body hug.


Soft kiss for a few seconds. Not a peck. Not a french kiss.

Now and then the hug becomes a playful dip - broken up by laughter.








Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark P View Post
After a long day at work it may be difficult for some of us to think of doing something meaningful for our relationship.

How do YOU keep the fire burning?

What do you do to (re)connect in spite of busy schedules? I don't mean expensive vacations... I mean what you do at home, every day?

Thank you!
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-10-2015, 02:29 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

I walk in the door.
Grab my wife. Smell her hair and tell her she smells like the most precious thing in the world.
Kiss her on the neck.
Hold her for about a minute.
Then I get my glass of tea. We sit down and talk for about 10 minutes. Then we start the nightly routine of what must get done.
When that is through we sit down and talk/half watch tv, but mostly talk.
While discussing other things one of us will look at the other one and say "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" or something equally cheesy.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-09-2015, 02:30 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Find each other's love language and think about how to incorporate it into a daily ritual.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-14-2015, 02:00 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

Hmmm...given my 24 hour on/48 hour off schedule and wifey's RN job, there is seldom time for just us. We've managed to keep things going forward in a positive manner by first learning to respect one another and by me adjusting to her Shenanigans (for further, if really want to, see my other threads..don't wanna give a background in someone else's thread) and stopping her attention-seeking behavior when it begins.

Second, we, myself, or W basically tend to the child(ren) during the daytime hours based on the work schedules we have. When they go off to sleep, we decompress and discuss our day along with the upcoming things, chores, etc... that need to be done the next day, week, month, and so on. Once a month we work on our budget for the next month and review our financial well-being. We have a plan for the future to retire with dignity by planning for the future and mapping-out what our future will look like, based on wants and needs, when the children leave the nest.

Third, we tackle most household chores together when we are both home. If I'm mowing the lawn, she is weed whacking. If she is cooking, I set the table and wash dishes as she goes. And so on... This allows us to accomplish household tasks that much faster giving us a little extra time together later vs. doing things when the children are asleep.

Fourth, the time spent after child(ren) go to sleep (see "Second") isn't always spent discussing or planning an efficient household or working on our saving and investment portfolio(s). Sometimes it's ****tails on the deck, other times it's curling-up on the couch to watch a movie. It's pretty much anything goes for that block of time, but during that time it is our time and NOT when I watch the game or she does her hobbies as we spend enough time apart when I'm away for 24 hours or more or she's working that our hobbies and things we enjoy alone have time to take place separate from the time we enjoy together.

Fifth, given my work schedule, every day I take off gives me five calendar days where I can play Mister Mom if my wife works. If she is also on time off, we co-parent and this is when we go on mini-vacations, to the pool, museums, etc... This makes us both happy as infertility was an issue with us along with health issues with the kiddos. The children define us and we couldn't be any happier then when we have joint family time together for more than a day or two!! This also leads to better and more exciting times (you know what I mean) during that little time we cherish once the child(ren) go to bed .

Sixth, we both have lives outside of the home. I am a Chicago Bears season ticket holder, Blackhawks fan, White Sox fan, and Bulls fan. I and my friends, and sometimes work friends, attend the sporting events from time-to-time. I take my children to the Bears games along with my wife at times also. We tailgate and walk the lakeshore as a family unit when we go as opposed to maybe doing something different if I go with friends to the game. My W has the freedom to do things with her friends as well as long as I know what she will be doing and with whom (there is a backstory that explains my insecurity, not being done without a reason). My point is that we can both do things during our time, or time when we both have off of work, if we so choose. We have never had an imbalance of one or the other spending too much time away from each other or the family that it has been an issue.

Last edited by whatslovegottodowithit?; 05-14-2015 at 02:02 PM. Reason: grammar, spelling
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-14-2015, 08:53 PM
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Re: BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning

I feel like the best advice for keeping the fire burning is to never stop dating. My husband and I still try for each other and do the little things that tend to be forgotten once the courtship is over. After children, careers, and a home mortgage sometimes the person your partner fell in love with can get lost in the mix, but as much as I can, I try to remember who my husband chose to spend the rest of his life with. That means when I know that I could trip off on my PMS hormones I remind myself that he didn't sign up for that nor does he deserve to be treated differently.

We flirt, we play, and we appreciate each other. When we can't find a sitter yet we really need to cut loose we throw two person house party and let our 'hair' down

We have lost people very close to us and so we don't take life for granted. That means when we part for work we say good-bye knowing in the back of our minds, this could be our last kiss. Then when we reunite at night we are so grateful that we are home safe and that we get one more night together. Seriously this could be interpreted as morbid or vomit worthy based on how sappy it sounds (believe me I get it) but that is honest to God what I think keeps it real for us, we just don't forget how precious the time is that we do have with each other.

I mean when you are head over heels in love with your partner and actually like hanging out, 80 years just doesn't seem long enough. I want to make sure that I don't waste any amount of time that we have with each other.

Another thing is to keep your priorities in check. If you are like me and love and family time are high on your list then don't put anything else in front of those two priorities (no matter how important you think it may be [clearing throat] like work).
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