A Good Marriage - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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A Good Marriage

I have often said that being married to my spouse has been the easiest thing I've ever done. It is my easiest relationship and my easiest commitment. I've been told by numerous people this can't possibly be true since marriage only has a fifty percent success rate, or whatever the rate is today. I suppose I am a special snowflake but I don't think that is it....how has your marriage been overall if you have been together ten or more years? Has it been harder than your other relationships? Do you still respect your spouse? Do you stay for the kids? I thought it would be good for young married people to see some of the stuff that comes up so they can be prepared.

For me, the single biggest challenge has been learning how to be an authentic, well rounded person....independent and in pursuit of my own hopes and dreams. I could have easily given my entire self to him, but I'm glad that we both have worked to be interesting people with our own stories. We have upheld our sense of selves while also being interconnected. I know where he begins and I stop. I like that I learn something new about him and that he has his own friends and interests outside of me. I have more to share with him than if I only concentrated on him.

Please feel free to share your challenges and successes.


Happily Married, Always Can Improve

Last edited by Kitt; 06-14-2015 at 04:15 AM.
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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 02:09 PM
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Re: A Good Marriage

I think this is a great thread. I wonder if my marriage would have turned out differently if I'd took "advice" like this seriously at age 22 (20 years ago). We did have 12 weeks of pre-marital counseling, but we still ended in catastrophe.
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A Good Marriage

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Originally Posted by SecondTime'Round View Post
I think this is a great thread. I wonder if my marriage would have turned out differently if I'd took "advice" like this seriously at age 22 (20 years ago). We did have 12 weeks of pre-marital counseling, but we still ended in catastrophe.
Thank you. That is a good question. You know, I think it really has to do with intention. I like to think, though some here have odd agendas, that this forum being about differing aspects of marriage that the intention is to have ones that are good for both people. Sometimes I think even with the best intentions, two people have so much internal conflicts and ego conflicts that they just can't receive advice at the moment it is given. I'm sure now you would receive it differently.

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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-14-2015, 05:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A Good Marriage

I was also thinking people could add things to affair proof their marriage too since a good marriage thread doesn't seem to peak interest.

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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 04:08 PM
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Re: A Good Marriage

We've been married for over 25 years and the majority of it has been really good. For a few years we drifted apart but we never lost resect for each other. We worked through communication issues and our marriage has been great ever since.

My other relationships pale by comparison. We each had had a major relationship prior to ours that involved infidelity and as a result we had both grown to know who we were and what we wanted out of marriage. Even though our romance was swift we really did explore if we were actually suitable for one another.

Ironically during the time we drifted apart I had not been doing some of the things I enjoyed most and when I got back into them I was more fulfilled and I became more of the person she married again.

The best way to affair proof your marriage is to never stop investing in your relationship. Communication was the key for us because then we could address needs that were unmet instead of letting them fester. Transparency and good boundaries are essential for this as well. Because our relationship was so strong it was able to survive the start of an EA on my part.

We are now working towards the next phase of our lives being empty nesters. We have connected with a new hobby which is keeping us involved and happy.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 04:13 PM
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Re: A Good Marriage

My first marriage was very difficult, as we really weren't compatible. This one is incredibly easy - there's no effort involved for either of us (except very rarely when we disagree). We brought the same attitudes to our former marriages, but they weren't reciprocated.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 04:16 PM
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Re: A Good Marriage

We have been together for almost 20 years, and married for 18.
Is it the easiest thing I've ever done? No, it does take work.
However, it is one of the best things I've ever done.
I will say that if I didn't know what I do about the differences between men and women, it wouldn't be nearly as good at this point as it is...

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A Good Marriage

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Originally Posted by technovelist View Post
We have been together for almost 20 years, and married for 18.
Is it the easiest thing I've ever done? No, it does take work.
However, it is one of the best things I've ever done.
I will say that if I didn't know what I do about the differences between men and women, it wouldn't be nearly as good at this point as it is...
What are some examples of these differences? How does this make a good marriage? Thanks for expounding.

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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 10:23 AM
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Re: A Good Marriage

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What are some examples of these differences? How does this make a good marriage? Thanks for expounding.
This is probably going to stir up some controversy, but here goes.

My wife sometimes gets upset about seemingly unimportant issues, usually with contradictory complaints about the same event. For example, we had a guest over this past weekend, and she complained that we didn't include her in our discussions. So I said, "We didn't exclude you", to which she answered "You were discussing things I'm not interested in". So I said "You are interested in cosmology", to which she answered "I didn't have anything to contribute". Then when he suggested interrupting her phone call to her sister, which is something she does every Saturday, I told him not to. She said, "I didn't want to be interrupted but at least he was trying to include me".

So basically, whatever I did was wrong.

I could have said "Yes, dear, whatever you say".

But that would have been the wrong response. I know that women have an instinctual need to test their men to make sure they are strong enough to protect them (the women), and acting wimpy would NOT make her feel any better, but just get her madder.

So instead, I said "That doesn't make sense" and explained why. I refused to accept blame for not being able to read her mind, and pointed out that her criticism was self-contradictory. She didn't like it much, but I stood my ground and there was no negative fallout later.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A Good Marriage

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Originally Posted by technovelist View Post
This is probably going to stir up some controversy, but here goes.

My wife sometimes gets upset about seemingly unimportant issues, usually with contradictory complaints about the same event. For example, we had a guest over this past weekend, and she complained that we didn't include her in our discussions. So I said, "We didn't exclude you", to which she answered "You were discussing things I'm not interested in". So I said "You are interested in cosmology", to which she answered "I didn't have anything to contribute". Then when he suggested interrupting her phone call to her sister, which is something she does every Saturday, I told him not to. She said, "I didn't want to be interrupted but at least he was trying to include me".

So basically, whatever I did was wrong.

I could have said "Yes, dear, whatever you say".

But that would have been the wrong response. I know that women have an instinctual need to test their men to make sure they are strong enough to protect them (the women), and acting wimpy would NOT make her feel any better, but just get her madder.

So instead, I said "That doesn't make sense" and explained why. I refused to accept blame for not being able to read her mind, and pointed out that her criticism was self-contradictory. She didn't like it much, but I stood my ground and there was no negative fallout later.
We do not need you to protect us anymore. This is not the practice or expectation anymore. There is no controversy because most grown women make it throughout their day without a man. Please get an education or hang around grown women or stay completely away from them if you are MRA. Your personal experience is about communication and your disrespect and sexism issues, not gender issues. Thanks.


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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 05:11 AM
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Re: A Good Marriage

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Originally Posted by Kitt View Post
We do not need you to protect us anymore. This is not the practice or expectation anymore. There is no controversy because most grown women make it throughout their day without a man. Please get an education or hang around grown women or stay completely away from them if you are MRA. Your personal experience is about communication and your disrespect and sexism issues, not gender issues. Thanks.
......you sound like a real peach....always negative
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 09:32 AM
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Re: A Good Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitt View Post
We do not need you to protect us anymore. This is not the practice or expectation anymore. There is no controversy because most grown women make it throughout their day without a man. Please get an education or hang around grown women or stay completely away from them if you are MRA. Your personal experience is about communication and your disrespect and sexism issues, not gender issues. Thanks.
Women who don't want a man around are of course welcome to that situation. However, those who do want a man around have to deal with intersexual issues, as do the men in question.

In my case, I already have gotten my education and we have been happily married for almost 20 years.

Hope that helps.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-18-2015, 09:26 AM
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Re: A Good Marriage

I've been married to my H for 16 years and been with him for 20 years. Overall, we've had a good marriage with many good attributes. The issues we've experienced were few and far between.

Two things that have really helped us in our journey is our mutual respect towards each other and the ability to compromise. We're both intelligent adults capable of communicating our desires, wants, and needs. We don't disrespect or brush each other off by assuming our behavior is somehow attributable to male/female stereotypes. We have also chosen not to have a traditional marriage which means "leadership" is fluid and topic/issue specific. Neither one of us tries to force our desires and expectations on each other. We discuss things, make our arguments for or against, and if we can't come to 100% agreement we compromise. It sounds a lot more complicated on paper than it is in real life. We've established a "Need" and "Want" strategy to issues. A want is something that would be appreciated but not necessary for the continued success of the relationship. A need is a must have. For example, "I want you to help me with dinner tonight" - it would be appreciated but if H is busy with something else, I'm okay with making dinner on my own - vs. "I need you to listen to me" - Dude, this is freaking important to me so pay attention.

Overall though, the most important factor I credit with our success is that we did it our way. In other words, we've never tried to meet other people's accepted standard. We feel that our way of maintaining the relationship is perfect for us and as long as it's working, we're going to continue to march to the beat of our own drum.
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-18-2015, 09:34 AM
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Re: A Good Marriage

My W and I have been married for 21 years. It has had it's bump in the roads. The bumps though were created by me for not completely being in the marriage. In other words, I had the finances covered. I had the good dad covered. But the third thing was bungled by me. That was keep on dating and romancing my W. She was vocal about it and keep on course praying I would "get it". I finally did. The marriage is now full circle, familiar and wonderful.

The lesson here is always keep dating each other, connect and stay connected. Make each other first always. Many will say kids first. What I find is spouses first make for a happy home and kids will follow. Kids need stability. If the marriage is not stable it resonates through the home. Never lose sight of each other due to day to day grind. Always keep each other first. Always spend many many hours together each week.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-18-2015, 09:48 AM
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Re: A Good Marriage

I have heard that regular BJ's on every.single.holiday help...



















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