If you had it to do all over again... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 41Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 06:12 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 1
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

No, I would not.

SummerBreeze is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-22-2015, 09:13 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 26
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Yes I would do it again in a heart beat, but I have been with my husband over half my life and we have been through everything together. We have about as much in common as oil and water, and learning to get along at times has been tough, but even if we got divorced tomorrow I wouldn't regret any of it.
Fancie217 is offline  
post #33 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-22-2015, 05:55 PM
4x4
Member
 
4x4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 676
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Even though I'm ending a 17 year marriage, I would do it all over again. I just don't like second guessing the past. It's gone. I could have turned left instead of right one day and walked in front of a bus. Who knows. I'm here, I'm healthy, and I'm happy. I learned a lot about life these past 17 years, and I'll take them forward with me into the future.

"Why get married at all if you're not gonna bone?" - Jellybeans
4x4 is offline  
 
post #34 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 05:25 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 862
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?

Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out?

I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.

Thank you.
A few thoughts, You are not going to change your spouse, only they can change themself. You can change yourself and that may cause your spouse to change, but it isn't guaranteed.

I would suggest you read three books before you many any serious decisions:

(1) M.W Davis Divorce Busting. This will give you some ideas on how to change yourself and the way you interact with the person you are contemplating marrying.

(2) Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. This will give you an understanding about how to make your partner feel loved and cherished in their love languages, not yours. It may also help you explain to your partner what you need from them to feel loved and cherished.

(3) Gottman's Love & Science of Marriage. This will help you understand some of the things that destroy a marriage and some rituals that will keep a marriage thriving.

A final thought, we are all human beings. Resentment isn't going to help with anything. If you learn to forgive, it will help you. A parnter knows from tone of voice, body language and looks when you are unhappy with them and that makes them not want to feel close to you. Loose the resentment, give love, and things might change a lot.

Good luck.
Young at Heart is offline  
post #35 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 05:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 1,755
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

This thread/topic would be great to observe in the Coping With Infidelity section. Seriously.

Over the years I've had it pop into my mind, and always thought "yes". After finding out she cheated MANY years after the fact, my answer is, unfortunately "no". The long answer is "I just wish I'd never met her."
Forest is offline  
post #36 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 05:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.
As to your question.. I don't know.. I don't know if I could fix what was wrong with my Ex wife.. It is clearly something IN HER and SHE would have wanted to fix it.. I would say I would try and do things differently hoping the same time line didn't occur..

But as for that quote above..

Its not okay for him to talk to his Ex anything.. That is the reason they are Exes... Its not controlling.. Its not nothing.. I don't want my GF hanging out or talking or getting anything from a guy who used to put his d!ck in her.. Sorry.. Its a primal territory thing.. I would imagine back in the days cavemen would kill the other for his woman.. Not much different today..

Cut him loose and move on.. Go to therapy and learn what is broken in YOU to accept this sort of stuff and why you need this in your life.. Once you do that you will grow a pair to get rid of him.. If it worked for me, it will work for anyone..

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #37 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-24-2015, 12:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: in a brutal, merciless, hypergamous world
Posts: 469
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?

Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out?

I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.

Thank you.
Not only would I not have married my ex wife if I had my time over, I would not marry any woman. The pain and trauma and grief of losing everything and being crushed inside, of not being able to see your son at night or read him his bedtime book, even though you did nothing wrong, and your son did nothing wrong.

Not worth it.

"I can cook my own steaks and don't feel much like duty-sex these days" Lascarx
"I've never met a woman who's aversion to her husband hampered her ability to accept the proceeds of his labor." unbelievable
The Cro-Magnon is offline  
post #38 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-24-2015, 10:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 2,619
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

I would want my children without the marriage I don't regret the marriage, but I do regret letting my unhappiness last as long as it did. I got married for the wrong reasons (mostly, just wanted to be married, as stupid as that seems to me today). He's a good person but a bad husband. Good "Disney dad," crappy "day-to-day" dad. I'm glad he's in my kids' lives.

It's really an impossible question; you either take the leap of faith or you don't. And even if you have some doubts (doesn't almost everyone, at some point?), the only thing that really matters is, do you grow together or grow apart?

Good luck!
sisters359 is offline  
post #39 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2015, 04:20 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 20
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Nope, thinking of correcting my mistake as a matter of fact... hard row to hoe.
Cleaver Brooks is offline  
post #40 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2015, 04:22 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 20
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Its 'funny' looking back, I can recognize umpteen off ramps that I just let sail on by. I guess I was too young and too dumb to see them for what they were..

Cleaver Brooks is offline  
post #41 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-06-2015, 07:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 276
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

The chances of my current marriage lasting past the next six months is probably less than 50/50 but that being said I would still chose to do it all again but would definitely try to do it better. If we do last, I will also work hard to do it better. The people we become over a lifetime have as much to do with bad decisions as good, bad times and good, moving backwards and forwards etc....

However, reading your other thread and how you started this one, seems like you're going through the motions if you move forward with the marriage....
McDean is offline  
post #42 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-06-2015, 07:46 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,333
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Regarding my first wife, I would not. I'm sorry I even met her, and happy I divorced her.

This time, most definitely. I wish I'd met her first, not just 15 years ago. Life with her is wonderful.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #43 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-06-2015, 07:56 AM
Member
 
giddiot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: North Central US
Posts: 313
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

I love my children and grandchildren tremendously, however I would not do it over again. I fell for the the first girl I dated seriously and didn't give myself the opportunity to see what was out there. I was engaged at 17 believe it or not. Now I have been married for going on 36 years but it is more of a roommate situation than a marriage.
giddiot is online now  
post #44 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-09-2015, 01:49 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 11
Personally I wouldn't.. Like you I loved my SO and we had so much history together, along with baggage. I also felt like "so much has happened between us" that I wasn't sure about "forever".
But when he asked me to marry him I said yes dispite my hesitation. I loved him and wasn't really ready to "leave" yet either. So when I mention on all the work we still had to do and he said that he would change I chose to believe it. In my heart I knew it wasn't a good decision but I was too scared to do anything else.
Now I'm 3,yrs in and we are trying marriage counciling because it's either that or divorce.
If I could give any advice it would be this:
You owe it to yourself and to the person you marry to start a marriage 100% all in. Having "lots of stuff to work on" is starting your marriage at a deficit. Don't ignore your feeling.
Lovey011 is offline  
post #45 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-16-2015, 08:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 124
Re: If you had it to do all over again...

I'm one that would say definitely NOT. I made a mistake marrying her as we brought some issues that were not solve prior, into the marriage..... and we really never "clicked". There was no honeymoon stage and no wild infatuation and outstanding sex to start with... but it was "ok".

However, after 42 years, we did learn to care and love each other, and enjoyed a LOT of good ties together. She was very willing to do what I wanted, but I was very careful with doing things that I though she would like, and for the most part... worked.

However, sex was fair at best and never got to the point that I expected it... HUGE disappointment. And she had a few habits that I absolutely hated... like smoking, and she just never quit. On that alone we should have never been married. She also drank too much and eventually brought us to divorce. However, she solved that and we're back together, and partly because neither one of us wanted to enter the dating field at our age and we really did know each other.

We did have a wonderful kid that turned out great, and that was well worth it.

We do sincerely care for each other and are honest with each other and we are "known" quantities. We get along quite well, but could just a well be room mates. The excitement and passion that I've always wanted was never there..... however, came close.

No, I'd not do it again.
November is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome