If you had it to do all over again... - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #1 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 04:56 PM Thread Starter
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If you had it to do all over again...

...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?

Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out?

I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.

Thank you.

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post #2 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 05:43 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

If we had never had our son, I'd have to say no.

But because we do have our son, in spite of the divorce I've been going through and everything that led up to it, yes, I would do it all again. I'd try to do it better than I did on my end, and knowing from the beginning I had a narcissist on my hands might have given me some advantages - mainly just knowing the precise moment he started detaching from me, so I could go through the process with him instead of alone after he was already gone.

I just saw your other post, BEB. If you don't feel emotionally connected or in love with your fiancé any longer, do both of yourselves a favor and end it now.
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post #3 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 07:47 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Having posted on your other thread, I am invested enough to share on this one as well. Not knowing if your "broken" can be fixed is no place to start a marriage.

I feel qualified to post on the long term success board because I have been married to my only wife for over 25 years, but to answer your main question, ".knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse?" The answer is no. If I knew then what the effects of her love of sleep would be on my happiness, I would have never proposed. In fact I still say, openly, that I will never again marry (enter into a sexual relationship with) any person who values sleep more than sex.

I know that this does not exactly match your problem, but it is close. Likely closer than you think. You both have wildly different feelings about the role of sex in your relationship. Sex is so important to any realtionship that you should not ignore this red flag.

MN
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post #4 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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NMB & Mr Nail, I should end it. But it USED to work. What can I do to get my head & heart back in it? My disconnect was/is the only way to (and obviously a lousy way) to prevent being hurt & try to stop reacting poorly to things he does.

How can I reconnect & let the past go?
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post #5 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 08:08 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

absolutely.
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post #6 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 08:21 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
NMB & Mr Nail, I should end it. But it USED to work. What can I do to get my head & heart back in it? My disconnect was/is the only way to (and obviously a lousy way) to prevent being hurt & try to stop reacting poorly to things he does.

How can I reconnect & let the past go?
It's hard to know the full magnitude of what you're going through from a couple of Internet posts. I've made the mistake of projecting my own sh!t here more than a few times.

That said, you saying your disconnect is the only way to prevent you from being hurt by what he does is a huge red flag.

What does he do that makes you feel this way?
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post #7 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.

I tried to be ok with the porn. Then I find out he's collecting pics of women & some exes on his phone. He's had to use porn a couple of times (I know about) to get aroused for us to have sex. I stayed on the horse, so to speak, but don't feel very sexy with him. He tells me a lot how attracted to me he is. But it doesn't make me feel the way I used to about him. I don't know how to fix this.

He can be very arrogant & this makes me isolate even more.
I'm no angel & don't claim to be perfect. I just hurt & I want it to stop.
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post #8 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 09:00 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

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Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.

I tried to be ok with the porn. Then I find out he's collecting pics of women & some exes on his phone. He's had to use porn a couple of times (I know about) to get aroused for us to have sex. I stayed on the horse, so to speak, but don't feel very sexy with him. He tells me a lot how attracted to me he is. But it doesn't make me feel the way I used to about him. I don't know how to fix this.

He can be very arrogant & this makes me isolate even more.
I'm no angel & don't claim to be perfect. I just hurt & I want it to stop.
I'm sorry, but I just have one word: Run.
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post #9 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 09:23 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
...knowing what you know now, would you still marry your current spouse? Would you stay with him/her?

Been with my SO for 5 years. He's a good man & we are an ok couple. We are planning to get married but have a lot to work on. Not sure our "broken" can be fixed. How do you know it's worth it to work it out?

I used to be head over heels for him but a lot has happened between us & I have a hard time letting my resentment go. How do you move forward? Honestly we'd both be sad if we split but life would go on for both of us.

Thank you.
I'd marry her without hesitation. She may have broken my heart in the end, but she shared in--and contributed to--the best years of my life (so far). We were in love for many years, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Our problem, now, is that the past few months have been so bad that we both know we can never go back to the way it was...though we both wanted to.

If it's not in either of your hearts to work on this, it's best that you move on. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
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post #10 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 09:43 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

No, I would not.

And I knew things weren't optimal before I married him. I knew better. But I did it anyhow. For so many bad reasons, mainly just because we'd been together so long.... So many promises from him about how things were about to improve.... So much weakness and lack of clarity on my part...

I am not miserable and I do not plan to leave him, I do love him and I have some happiness in our relationship. But I am certain I could have been much happier with someone else that I was more compatible with, if I had just been able to break away.

If it's hard now before you're married, I'd think long and hard about going through with it. Definitely insist any changes/improvements need to be made (and sustained for some time) before saying I do. But honestly, feeling as you do now, I'd probably walk if I were in your shoes. I'd walk now (myself) if I hadn't said I do.

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post #11 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 09:50 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
NMB & Mr Nail, I should end it. But it USED to work. What can I do to get my head & heart back in it? My disconnect was/is the only way to (and obviously a lousy way) to prevent being hurt & try to stop reacting poorly to things he does.

How can I reconnect & let the past go?
But if your head and heart are not in it, and you're not married yet, why are you trying to get them back into it?

Also: Red Alert! Warning! Warning! - You should not have to "prevent being hurt" by things he does. If the things he does hurt you - they hurt you. That is your reaction. The answer is not for you to try to be a different person who is not hurt by these things. The answer is for you to find someone who is disinclined to do things that hurt you, and for him to find someone who is not hurt by the things he does. (Judging by a post I saw below below about his collecting porn pictures from exes and others - good luck to him - I don't think any woman with a shred of self respect is going to be ok with that, serioulsy, WTF?! Get away from him.)
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post #12 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 10:01 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Because of my two absolutely beautiful kids I would say yes, otherwise they wouldn't exist but if I hadn't had them I would have to say no, I have put up with too much s*** in the 27 years of knowing each other and the 23 years of marriage. To me married life could have been much more pleasant without his drinking especially. I gave up so much and now I am thinking and for what?
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post #13 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 11:38 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyesBlue View Post
Communicating with & accepting inappropriate photos from an ex and keeping them on his phone. I was blown away that he could think that was ok. I've never said you can't be friends with an ex or talk to one. But pics of her bent over crossed a line for me. He apologized.

I tried to be ok with the porn. Then I find out he's collecting pics of women & some exes on his phone. He's had to use porn a couple of times (I know about) to get aroused for us to have sex. I stayed on the horse, so to speak, but don't feel very sexy with him. He tells me a lot how attracted to me he is. But it doesn't make me feel the way I used to about him. I don't know how to fix this.

He can be very arrogant & this makes me isolate even more. I'm no angel & don't claim to be perfect. I just hurt & I want it to stop.
You fix this by breaking up with him and never looking back. You are better with no one than him.

BTW, one thing I've noticed - the arrogant people are almost always covering for how UNaccomplished they actually are. The really good guys don't need to act better than others, the just quietly take care of business. And arrogance is not a nice personality trait to be in a relationship with. And you will find someday that as a couple no one wants to be around you either because the man you're trying so hard to love is obnoxious and people will not want to be around him once they really know him.
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post #14 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 11:48 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

To answer your initial question--Yes I'd marry her again, but I'd do a lot of things different and avoid a lot of mistakes.

To answer the question you're really asking--No, I don't think you should stay married to a guy like your husband. He knows damned well that it's not ok to keep naked pictures of exes on his phone.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #15 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-05-2015, 11:55 PM
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Re: If you had it to do all over again...

When I think of what my life could have been had I not met my husband when I did ... beings I was a little lost back then.. how he handled me, loved me through it all... I generally feel it would not have gone as wonderful for me as it did.. I could have faced many hardships , feeling alone....Good men who want to marry & have a family aren't all that easy to find ...when we're young..

No relationship I've ever had brought me as much fulfillment as my marriage, he's my inspiration to be a better woman, a better Mother.. can't imagine my life without him in it...
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