Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 02:29 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by SydJones View Post
I know a guy whose wife once jokingly suggested that they try domestic disciple (spanking). They tried it, and amazing things happened. Their marriage has gone from strength to strength now that they have a healthy male/female dynamic. When she misbehaves he makes her write lines, or puts her in the corner, or makes he be silent for the rest of the day, or just gives gives her a few smacks with a paddle. What started off as a joke turned into an interesting insight into how women respond to different behaviours, and I think this is very relevant to the OP's question. Well worth considering.
I think it might be more accurate to say that is how Some women respond to different behaviors and quite likely a minority of women.

But that is a tangent not central to this thread.

OP, I think others have clearly articulated what may be the core problems in your relationship based on what you have shared. No need to rehash that except to add my agreement to those suggestions for your own behaviors you may want to consider changing.

I will note on one thing you mentioned in your opening post to this thread. It concerns how you handle dealing with people at your place of work. A marriage and home life is not a work place and the behaviors that may produce results in the workplace do not necessarily translate to the home environment.

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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 02:56 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by jnyu44 View Post
MarriedDude - I am very involved with my baby. We have several routines with the baby, weighing diapers is not one of them. Anyway, I get what you're saying and thank you for the insight. Have you guys at any point had what you'd consider a strained marriage? How did you get out of it?

Anchor - echoing MarriedDude has made me think twice. Thanks. Have you ever felt disrespected by your wife? Have you always responded positively? If so, what do you do?

Ellegirl - first of all, thanks for following along for 4 years...can't believe it's been that long...didn't think of myself being a bully but that makes a lot of sense. Anyway, thank you and glad to see you're still around

Personal - Get off your high horse and f-off.

I get it...don't threaten divorce. Just do it. Or don't, and don't threaten it And earn her respect...though I feel like it should be a tandem sort of thing and not one person having to earn it first...but these things never make sense until you do it...
Yes, we got on the rocks. Yes to all these highlighted problems you mentioned and sexless too. I thought I was entitled to more than what I was getting. I lived clean, worked hard, provided well. Didn't I deserve more? So I set out to get the marriage I wanted or I was going my own way. How did I turn it around? Like many men in your spot, I thought I knew how to get out of it. I read every book recommended here and on another site. I read every thread I could find about men in situations like me. I listened closely to what was being said by posters like MEM and Ele. When called out about my behavior, I got pissed first, then looked deeper than my ego. I found out I wasn't so perfect. I thought I may have a few flaws, but I never realized how much a guy could put his head up his ass. I learned I could get things wrong and so could she. I learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I learned that my W was not me. I learned though we were so different, we were a team with the same goals. It came down to, how hard could this be or how hard could I make it. I simply started to treat my W better and in return she treated me better. I gave her the respect she deserved as my wife and in return I got respect. Yes, sex too.

J, a question, have you read the works of Gottman, Schnarch, or Harley? How about Wayne Levine's or David Deida's books?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 05:14 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

You're so full of yourself I wonder how you could ever eat.

Respect?! That's not what you are asking for. Fear is what you're after in your marriage, and guess what? You've got it...FOR NOW.

It may be hard to believe, but this woman is always going to be mother of your child and you have absolutely no choice but to respect, accommodate and protect her for the rest of your life. Divorcing her does not free you from the offspring(s) you willingly created together. And believe me, maintaining a respectful relationship with an ex-wife is a lot harder than doing it while she's still willing to be married to you.

I'm a recovering 'nice guy' myself and I see absolutely no traits of it in you. In fact, I see the extreme opposite which is equally as destructive as being a nice-guy.

I'm not letting your wife off the hook here. I'm sure she's got her own sh1tty traits or else you wouldn't admit to "not liking" her.

Just letting you know that what you do at your job is totally irrelevant to your marital situation. I'm a mean wolf when it comes to work and business too, yet I'm a solid case of a nice-guy and have paid my dues to that torturous lifestyle.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 09:42 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I have a good marriage now but at one time it was flawed with toxic communication just like yours. This is what I did; I stopped assuming the worst for everything she did. I tried to figure out what she meant and was trying to achieve. I treated her with respect and assumed she meant the best. I would ask questions about her actions such as did you want to do this because "..."? After treating her with respect (and not as an employee - she said that to me once) for several months I found that the started doing the same. She learned that I had changed and little by little my changes caused her to trust that I would not atack her and that I was legitimately trying to communicate.

This change in communication with a reevaluation of myself which included improving myself and figuring out the needs I was not satisfying for my wife led me to satisfy her needs and make me more attractive to her.

Right now you are feeding a negative feedback loop with the divorce threats (which I did and now regret entirely) and making the problem worse. Stop that and try to communicate and assume she has a valid point of view.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 09:50 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

jnyu44, you know how you can buy a car that's just a lemon. You can also marry a lemon and when that happens you can't make lemonade. You just have a sour sour lemon. You can learn to avoid future lemons but you can't make lemonade in marriage.
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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
But you should have apologized when threw it out and realized she wanted it. Unless she got cross with you first. The flip side of this is that, by throwing it out you were only trying to help, right?
I could and should have done the former. She did get angry right off the bat when I told her I threw it out. And yes, I was only trying to help. I have a habit of tidying stuff up pronto because she is on the ocd clean side and can't relax unless it is.
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Did a doctor suggest weighing the diapers?

It really does not seem to make a lot of sense.
No, but it makes sense to as we are trying to understand what the baby is taking in and putting out.
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Your entire thread is about respect. And your tactics with your wife are based on you presenting this as a scenario where:
"totally logical person collides with totally irrational and aggressive person and refuses to back down"

I asked you some fair questions. I think they were fair. I didn't expect you to get defensive.

And I certainly didn't expect a guy who talks about how tough he is at work to dive straight into the victim chair because the person asking the questions is a mod. I wasn't asking as a 'mod', just as a contributor.

I wish you well.
Ha! Wonder what the criteria is for 'mod'. You are doing the exact same thing so simmer down. Stay out of my threads unless you really have nothing better to do.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Your entire thread is about respect. And your tactics with your wife are based on you presenting this as a scenario where:
"totally logical person collides with totally irrational and aggressive person and refuses to back down"

I asked you some fair questions. I think they were fair. I didn't expect you to get defensive.

And I certainly didn't expect a guy who talks about how tough he is at work to dive straight into the victim chair because the person asking the questions is a mod. I wasn't asking as a 'mod', just as a contributor.

I wish you well.
Total hypocrit! If you have the gall, read what you have been writing and see if your own advice could apply. Sure I'm taking offense, but so are you with the added bonus of being self-righteous. You think they were fair comments and questions, I didn't. Wow, that's never happened before! Aren't you diving into the victim chair as well by firing back?

The next time I'm an a** to someone while wearing my company shirt, I'm going to just say I was doing it as myself, not as a member of my company.

haha..."totally logical person collides..." I could say the exact same thing about you and be right. It's like we're married.
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by life_huppens View Post
jnyu44.
I think there are more issues in your marriage then just disrespect. First, based on your responses to members of this forum, It looks to me that you do not take criticism well, and expect respect based on your superior status. You also gave your wife ultimatum to start respecting you within a week. Does she have a ON/OFF switch. What you did is set her up for failure. Since you are in a managerial position, you must know about performance reviews. The one of the important part of this process is evaluating past performance, and setup future goals for improvements with a milestones and periodic progress checks. Have you approach your marriage situation in similar matter? Have you both identified the major issues that prevent both of you to be happy, and start working toward resolution?
Good Luck
Clearly I'm biased but no I don't think I lord my status over her. As I've mentioned above, yea I was completely wrong to threaten divorce and see that now. I didn't respect the gravity of the word. I get respect needs to be earned, but at what point does it need to be a two-way street?

Re: Performance reviews. She has said in the past that she feels I treat the marriage in this way...like I setup things to do for her and just execute (ie., buy cards, write something, buy flowers, deliver, etc.)...and yes I do that because that's how I run my life. It doesn't mean I don't love her and that's it's all callous. I think about what I'm writing to her and I'm thinking about what she likes when I put the flowers together, etc...I sense that if everything were peachy she'd be happy with my efforts...but I think since we have overriding negative sentiment she sees it the way she sees it and I don't blame her.

Finally, I think many in this thread have been helpful and I've learned some big lessons. I think not threatening D is a good start. Insecurity is one of her biggest issues so I'm guessing there will likely be some impact here.

Aside from that, I am reading a couple books...one on relationship building and one on keeping the in-laws (my parents) at bay...

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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by SydJones View Post
I know a guy whose wife once jokingly suggested that they try domestic disciple (spanking). They tried it, and amazing things happened. Their marriage has gone from strength to strength now that they have a healthy male/female dynamic. When she misbehaves he makes her write lines, or puts her in the corner, or makes he be silent for the rest of the day, or just gives gives her a few smacks with a paddle. What started off as a joke turned into an interesting insight into how women respond to different behaviours, and I think this is very relevant to the OP's question. Well worth considering.
hahah had a good laugh. My wife would murder me.
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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by Maneo View Post
I think it might be more accurate to say that is how Some women respond to different behaviors and quite likely a minority of women.

But that is a tangent not central to this thread.

OP, I think others have clearly articulated what may be the core problems in your relationship based on what you have shared. No need to rehash that except to add my agreement to those suggestions for your own behaviors you may want to consider changing.

I will note on one thing you mentioned in your opening post to this thread. It concerns how you handle dealing with people at your place of work. A marriage and home life is not a work place and the behaviors that may produce results in the workplace do not necessarily translate to the home environment.
Thank you. Adding a +1 to the count is helpful data. And totally agree with you. I talked about workplace b/c I was still wondering if I needed to rule out if I was being too nice guy to her. I absolutely do not believe my status (plenty of ppl do better than myself) matters when I get home. If anything, I owe my wife the world for what she does for our son. I truly believe she's in the race for best mommy in the world and I do tell her that. That's something money really can't buy and I'm well aware of it.
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 12:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by anchorwatch View Post
Yes, we got on the rocks. Yes to all these highlighted problems you mentioned and sexless too. I thought I was entitled to more than what I was getting. I lived clean, worked hard, provided well. Didn't I deserve more? So I set out to get the marriage I wanted or I was going my own way. How did I turn it around? Like many men in your spot, I thought I knew how to get out of it. I read every book recommended here and on another site. I read every thread I could find about men in situations like me. I listened closely to what was being said by posters like MEM and Ele. When called out about my behavior, I got pissed first, then looked deeper than my ego. I found out I wasn't so perfect. I thought I may have a few flaws, but I never realized how much a guy could put his head up his ass. I learned I could get things wrong and so could she. I learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I learned that my W was not me. I learned though we were so different, we were a team with the same goals. It came down to, how hard could this be or how hard could I make it. I simply started to treat my W better and in return she treated me better. I gave her the respect she deserved as my wife and in return I got respect. Yes, sex too.

J, a question, have you read the works of Gottman, Schnarch, or Harley? How about Wayne Levine's or David Deida's books?
Inspiring to know that. And really kudos to you...you're likely in rarefied atmosphere. The end goal here is for me to get there.

I am reading Gottman, will check out the others. Thank you for sharing a little about your journey sincerely...at least I'm on the right path if the first few experiences are any indication

I do have an ego, but I try not to take garbage from people. Constructive criticism is extremely valuable and I encourage it from people around me. Yes I've fired people but it was for poor performance that I confirmed in different ways and giving second chances. I can't tell you how many times I haven't been happy with my closest "employee" but let it go because of all the great things he does otherwise (and b/c I know people do things differently and maybe he wasn't wrong after all). When he was on the line to get scaled back and ax'd, I put together a presentation evidencing all his contributions from multiple sources and how valuable he was. That secured him a year's worth of salary.

I can at times "pre-judge" people. That's the human, temperamental side of me. Yes, I get defensive at times because some people need to be put in their place. That doesn't happen enough. Ever been in a line where some guy cuts off another 15 people and everyone just accepts it?
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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 12:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by meson View Post
I have a good marriage now but at one time it was flawed with toxic communication just like yours. This is what I did; I stopped assuming the worst for everything she did. I tried to figure out what she meant and was trying to achieve. I treated her with respect and assumed she meant the best. I would ask questions about her actions such as did you want to do this because "..."? After treating her with respect (and not as an employee - she said that to me once) for several months I found that the started doing the same. She learned that I had changed and little by little my changes caused her to trust that I would not atack her and that I was legitimately trying to communicate.

This change in communication with a reevaluation of myself which included improving myself and figuring out the needs I was not satisfying for my wife led me to satisfy her needs and make me more attractive to her.

Right now you are feeding a negative feedback loop with the divorce threats (which I did and now regret entirely) and making the problem worse. Stop that and try to communicate and assume she has a valid point of view.
Seriously feels like I could have written this. Agree about the negative feedback loop. Did stop for a while, was working really well, then the whole three steps forward two steps back as a result of my "putting my foot" down on the back of these two events. Stupid...put myself a few weeks back but at least I learned a valuable lesson.
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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 12:34 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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I could and should have done the former. She did get angry right off the bat when I told her I threw it out. And yes, I was only trying to help. I have a habit of tidying stuff up pronto because she is on the ocd clean side and can't relax unless it is.
Sounds like your wife needs to relax. One missed diaper isn't going to unduly skew her data collection. Full diapers are a while ago for me, but I seem to remember a fairly steady supply of them. "Ooops, sorry" should really be the end of this.

Give her a glass of wine at the end of the night. Come home with a flower each day for a couple weeks. Something to help her feel appreciated. I'm bad at these recommends, even though I'm a woman. Not my thing. Others will do better I hope. Good luck.
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