Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 09:01 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I wonder why people make themselves so busy with irrelevant chores . "Weighing diapers " to check what gets in gets out". Is it scientific ? this is called " BLACK BOX MODEL" in hydrologist term . Still this become reason for collision. So funny to me. In my opinion, you need to research on the inner reasons for the unhappiness for both of you.If she is not your "type", even if she is good person, it does not work.

No body should stop you ,in this forum or else where, to chose your life path.

GOOD LUCK

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post #32 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-26-2015, 05:33 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I don't think you did anything wrong by throwing away the diaper. If you didn't know, it seems like a normal thing to do. I wouldn't exactly apologize for that, how are you supposed to know that? But something has to give, holding a grudge won't help at all.

As far as the couch thing goes and her not being very nice about it. You should keep in mind that.

1.She is EXHAUSTED, I commend you for helping out and being super husband. But the baby needs her all the time. She is probably just going through the motions of exsisting right now. So cut her a little slack if she isn't being the nicest.

2. Crazy hormones, I've never had a baby but I do know that women have crazy hormones after the baby. She's going to be up and down and very snippy. After all, she has just given birth and feels awful and all over the place.

She needs reassurance, constantly. You have to make her feel safe. Not that you hate her or want to prove a point about respect. I know that there is only so much that a person that take of constantly being berated. But maybe try handling it in a more constructive and loving way. Don't threaten her with divorce ever unless you mean it. Especially now, she doesn't need that on top of everything else.

You have to tell her that you love her as much as she needs to hear it. Get her flowers just because or take her shopping. Whatever it is that she likes to do. It will take a while, maybe even years for her to feel safe again. But if you want your marriage to work and you love her, this is what you have to do. The respect will come with you showing that you understand.

Has she always been this way with you? Is there a chance she would soften if you did other things than just help around the house I don't think you are a bad husband. I think it takes a lot especially for a man to come here and try to get opinions and advice, that is a big step! If it happens again, try to step back from it and just don't say anything and come back to her in kindness and a hug. If she is crying and looking sad, you have to console her!
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post #33 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-26-2015, 06:01 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

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Originally Posted by jnyu44 View Post
Ha! Wonder what the criteria is for 'mod'. You are doing the exact same thing so simmer down. Stay out of my threads unless you really have nothing better to do.
JNY:

Funny, my situation was similar to Anchorwatch. And Mem. And yours.

They have both been through it.

And I would tell you to ignore Mem only if you have no interest in getting better...because he is pointing out what everyone can clearly see...with the exception of you.

I love helping people here, unless their ego is more important than their marriage.

You need to decide which is more important to you.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #34 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 03:41 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I haven't been married and I have no kids so I don't have all the answers. But, I read your situation and just want to offer a comment on a small point I think I have insight on.

Leadership is important for men in life and relationships. There are exceptions, but that's the usual situation. One of my former supervisors was a great leader and I learned a lot from him on how to inspire people. My supervisor was originally from West Texas and was one of the most stoic men I've ever known. Standing at 6'2", he was intimidating. However, everyone loved him at the office. He was fair and gave people the benefit of the doubt. Even when people screwed up, he wouldn't fly off the handle. He was stern in his expectations. But, he would just explain the his viewpoint and then allowed you to input as well. This rational stoicism allowed for great communication and for a lot of progress to be made in our operations.

The point was that when emotions are constantly getting so heated, it just messes up the entire situation. Be fair to your wife and make your viewpoint known, but for God's sake, don't keep threatening divorce. If she gets heated, then you have to be the leader and stay calm.
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post #35 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 02:55 PM
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Whoa it's taken me a while to read everything before I reply to this.

Firstly, the diaper thing for me was a bit weird. I understand now why your wife has done this but if this was unknown to you when you chucked it out then it's not your fault.
Yes she shouldn't have gone off on one but have you asked yourself why she was so upset about it?
You've said she has OCD, OCD is a control thing, I have it too and I was at my worse when depressed. Is it possible your wife is depressed or has post natal depression?

I've had post natal depression with both of my children and both times it was different.
With my first child I was very over protective, wouldn't let many people near her, wouldn't walk past men when she was with me etc.
Is your wife becoming a bit obsessed with your sons weight etc? Apart from him being small, is he perfectly healthy?

On another note, you already understand why you shouldn't keep saying you want a divorce. This will make her very insecure and she will think you don't love her etc and now you've said you don't want intimacy.

Going back to depression, it's not always about someone being sad all the time, a lot of sufferers can hide it.
With me, I was angry over silly things and I put my husband through a lot, I cringe when I think about it but he was so supportive of me and helped me through it.

My advice to you is to talk to her. Get someone to look after your son and please talk.
Sit down and both of you have your say. You need to see if there is an underlying issue which has made her angry, upset etc, (other than you telling her she has a week to start respecting you - would you respect someone if they said that to you).
You need to reassure your wife and tell her that you love her and you want your marriage to work.

Never go to bed on an argument and always say sorry even if you think it's not your fault.
We always say sorry and make up straight away.

Good luck x
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post #36 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 03:29 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I spank her followed by a salami massage. Brings the respect right back.

I'm not joking.
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post #37 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-01-2015, 03:56 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Our first baby was a premie and we were never give the advice to weigh her diaper. I think is really old fashioned, outdated advice. What is important is making sure babies are eating enough. I'm not sure why you need to know how much coming out" by weighing it, I mean you can visually see how much is coming out, lol.
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post #38 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-02-2015, 08:36 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I do not doubt you treat her in high esteem as the world's greatest mom.

But ... in your actions, how do you treat her as a woman? Be honest.
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post #39 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 01:56 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Do the following and you'll have her respect:

1 Corinthians 13:
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Yes, MUCH easier said than done.
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post #40 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-04-2015, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MGD View Post
I wonder why people make themselves so busy with irrelevant chores . "Weighing diapers " to check what gets in gets out". Is it scientific ? this is called " BLACK BOX MODEL" in hydrologist term . Still this become reason for collision. So funny to me. In my opinion, you need to research on the inner reasons for the unhappiness for both of you.If she is not your "type", even if she is good person, it does not work.

No body should stop you ,in this forum or else where, to chose your life path.

GOOD LUCK
yea I probably wouldn't do half the stuff she's thought of but at the same time our boy is growing wonderfully, except being on the lighter side. I agree, wish I had the wisdom to think about values and comparability when we decided to marry.

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post #41 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-04-2015, 03:39 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by ticktock33 View Post
I don't think you did anything wrong by throwing away the diaper. If you didn't know, it seems like a normal thing to do. I wouldn't exactly apologize for that, how are you supposed to know that? But something has to give, holding a grudge won't help at all.

As far as the couch thing goes and her not being very nice about it. You should keep in mind that.

1.She is EXHAUSTED, I commend you for helping out and being super husband. But the baby needs her all the time. She is probably just going through the motions of exsisting right now. So cut her a little slack if she isn't being the nicest.

2. Crazy hormones, I've never had a baby but I do know that women have crazy hormones after the baby. She's going to be up and down and very snippy. After all, she has just given birth and feels awful and all over the place.

She needs reassurance, constantly. You have to make her feel safe. Not that you hate her or want to prove a point about respect. I know that there is only so much that a person that take of constantly being berated. But maybe try handling it in a more constructive and loving way. Don't threaten her with divorce ever unless you mean it. Especially now, she doesn't need that on top of everything else.

You have to tell her that you love her as much as she needs to hear it. Get her flowers just because or take her shopping. Whatever it is that she likes to do. It will take a while, maybe even years for her to feel safe again. But if you want your marriage to work and you love her, this is what you have to do. The respect will come with you showing that you understand.

Has she always been this way with you? Is there a chance she would soften if you did other things than just help around the house I don't think you are a bad husband. I think it takes a lot especially for a man to come here and try to get opinions and advice, that is a big step! If it happens again, try to step back from it and just don't say anything and come back to her in kindness and a hug. If she is crying and looking sad, you have to console her!
Thank you. I think one of the marriage memos I didn't get was to love absolutely. I'm over those couple of episodes and haven't threatened divorce since then. I forget why she she went nuts over txt recently but instead of threatening divorce I told her I loved her. I don't think she replied but she stopped hahah. So that was progress.

Her mother was awful to her growing up. Dad was a workaholic. My honest opinion is she is a bit broken. She identifies with BoJack Horseman. It's like this inability to be happy and it's really sad because she really does deserve much better. She's a good person. But it's extremely difficult to be on the other end, being around someone constantly unhappy and constantly going after you because she's unhappy or you didn't do something her way. She's been nasty since she moved overseas to marry me years ago, but I'd mostly been a terrible husband. I don't know what she's like when she's at her best in a secure marriage tbh. I hope we get there. Thanks for the nice words and I'll keep your advice in mind.
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post #42 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-04-2015, 03:48 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Lest anyone wonder, I was the one who handed out the temporary ban.

To the original poster, I suggest you use the mandatory vacation to read our posting guidelines, in particular this section...

1.Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.

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