Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:20 PM Thread Starter
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Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Couple things happened yesterday that led me to write a long txt message demanding respect. I chose that medium b/c she seems to respond best to it.

First, baby's diaper was on the table so I naturally picked it up and put it in the garbage. She was angry later when she asked where it was because she wanted to weigh it. I said it seems like a pretty normal thing to do what I did, though I was careful not to apologize. She said I should just admit it when I've done something wrong. I held my ground and said I have nothing to apologize for, it was miscommunication.

Second, I was sleeping on the couch downstairs while she was doing some house chores/taking care of baby. She came down and told me to go upstairs and sleep on that couch because she wanted to sleep on the one I was on. She didn't seem very polite when she asked this imo.

What I do well is help out around the house and take care of baby. I do more than my friends with newborns and her friends' husbands with newborns. This is really just a byproduct of the fact I'm lucky enough to have a very flexible schedule.

However, our marriage has been on the rocks since the beginning (4 years ago). With good reason, she thinks I don't like her (though I've tried repeatedly to reassure her otherwise) and I have threatened divorce several times. I have tried to put up with the tantrums and negativity b/c I understand we have this overriding negative sentiment in our marriage. I want this to work but I'm getting so fed up.

Following the above two things yesterday, I told her I don't need intimacy for now because of our situation (it's been over a year), I don't need her to front positivity, but the one absolute thing I do need is respect. I told her if I don't get that, then I'm out in a week. She cried and said for our son, she will force her apology to me. She said she's willing to act like a poor slave and give me whatever I want. Since yesterday, we've barely talked.

Again, the negative sentiment in our marriage really is overriding...the smallest things can set her off. I'm no angel but I've tried taking the always be positive and give her room perspective. Seems like in successful marriages, people give their spouses passes all the time whereas in toxic ones, both are ready to pounce at moment's notice. Anyway, this approach has been working sort of...but I felt like I couldn't give her a pass on the disrespect.

Am I doing the right thing here? Super husbands, what would you do? She's moping and crying and even though I want to console her...I feel like I need to stand my ground. I've tried to be super husband the last couple of months and feel like all it's going to get me is a night of reading that Nice guy book. In the real world, I can be a tough mf. People 1.5-2x my age report to me and I have no qualms telling people they need to step up their game. I've fired people and I'm testing new hires all the time. However...now I'm wondering if it's possible for me to be too mr nice guy in my marriage even if I'm not outside of it...

I desperately want my marriage to work but I'm getting so fed up and I feel like this is where I make my last stand. I feel like what I'm asking for is really the bare essentials...

Thanks for reading. This forum is truly full of awesome and supportive people. But feel free to slap me around if you think I deserve it.

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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:16 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

First...if you have to ask for respect, you don't have it. Respect is earned over time by taking care of you wife and children, consistently and conscientiously listening to and addressing their concerns, understanding what motivates them and approaching tasks in that manner. Creating a home where they feel loved, protected, encouraged and respected.

Refusing to apologize for mistakes is crazy. We all screw up from time to time...admit it when you do, apologize once, sincerely...then move on.

Not knowing that she weighs the diapers is a big deal. She is the primary caretaker of your children. She is doing that to monitor their health...which is what she is suppose to be doing.

You should be very aware of her concerns...why is she weighing diapers...exactly. If you don't know...you should.

Instead of demanding her respect, figure out why you don't have it and address that.

My wife hasn't disrespected me in such a long time, I can't even remember when or what or why. It's been so long, probably, because I treat her respectfully always. She is my wife but also a lady and is treated as such.
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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:17 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I'm not what one wound call a nice guy, but I show compassion in my behavior to wife and family. I make an effort not to be a source of pain to my wife. She respects me because she has learned she can trust me. In that way I earn her respect every day.

Since you bring up a work place comparison. A manager can be a boss or a leader. Employees trust a leader, that's why they respect and follow him.

Can she trust you with her emotional well being?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 07-12-2015 at 08:34 PM.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:28 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Telling your wife many times that you will divorce her is bad, real bad. It builds a lack of respect because this is what bullies do. Either follow through and divorce her, or stop it.

No one respects a bully.
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 09:47 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Jny,
Did you know she was weighing the diapers? If not, why not?

I'm asking because you mention being more often home and helpful than many of your friends and colleagues.

Bigger question: why does she think that you don't especially like her?

And biggest question: Why did you have a child with a woman you don't really want to be married to?





Quote:
Originally Posted by jnyu44 View Post
Couple things happened yesterday that led me to write a long txt message demanding respect. I chose that medium b/c she seems to respond best to it.

First, baby's diaper was on the table so I naturally picked it up and put it in the garbage. She was angry later when she asked where it was because she wanted to weigh it. I said it seems like a pretty normal thing to do what I did, though I was careful not to apologize. She said I should just admit it when I've done something wrong. I held my ground and said I have nothing to apologize for, it was miscommunication.

Second, I was sleeping on the couch downstairs while she was doing some house chores/taking care of baby. She came down and told me to go upstairs and sleep on that couch because she wanted to sleep on the one I was on. She didn't seem very polite when she asked this imo.

What I do well is help out around the house and take care of baby. I do more than my friends with newborns and her friends' husbands with newborns. This is really just a byproduct of the fact I'm lucky enough to have a very flexible schedule.

However, our marriage has been on the rocks since the beginning (4 years ago). With good reason, she thinks I don't like her (though I've tried repeatedly to reassure her otherwise) and I have threatened divorce several times. I have tried to put up with the tantrums and negativity b/c I understand we have this overriding negative sentiment in our marriage. I want this to work but I'm getting so fed up.

Following the above two things yesterday, I told her I don't need intimacy for now because of our situation (it's been over a year), I don't need her to front positivity, but the one absolute thing I do need is respect. I told her if I don't get that, then I'm out in a week. She cried and said for our son, she will force her apology to me. She said she's willing to act like a poor slave and give me whatever I want. Since yesterday, we've barely talked.

Again, the negative sentiment in our marriage really is overriding...the smallest things can set her off. I'm no angel but I've tried taking the always be positive and give her room perspective. Seems like in successful marriages, people give their spouses passes all the time whereas in toxic ones, both are ready to pounce at moment's notice. Anyway, this approach has been working sort of...but I felt like I couldn't give her a pass on the disrespect.

Am I doing the right thing here? Super husbands, what would you do? She's moping and crying and even though I want to console her...I feel like I need to stand my ground. I've tried to be super husband the last couple of months and feel like all it's going to get me is a night of reading that Nice guy book. In the real world, I can be a tough mf. People 1.5-2x my age report to me and I have no qualms telling people they need to step up their game. I've fired people and I'm testing new hires all the time. However...now I'm wondering if it's possible for me to be too mr nice guy in my marriage even if I'm not outside of it...

I desperately want my marriage to work but I'm getting so fed up and I feel like this is where I make my last stand. I feel like what I'm asking for is really the bare essentials...

Thanks for reading. This forum is truly full of awesome and supportive people. But feel free to slap me around if you think I deserve it.
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

MarriedDude - I am very involved with my baby. We have several routines with the baby, weighing diapers is not one of them. Anyway, I get what you're saying and thank you for the insight. Have you guys at any point had what you'd consider a strained marriage? How did you get out of it?

Anchor - echoing MarriedDude has made me think twice. Thanks. Have you ever felt disrespected by your wife? Have you always responded positively? If so, what do you do?

Ellegirl - first of all, thanks for following along for 4 years...can't believe it's been that long...didn't think of myself being a bully but that makes a lot of sense. Anyway, thank you and glad to see you're still around

Personal - Get off your high horse and f-off.

I get it...don't threaten divorce. Just do it. Or don't, and don't threaten it And earn her respect...though I feel like it should be a tandem sort of thing and not one person having to earn it first...but these things never make sense until you do it...
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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 10:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Why I had a child with her is really no one's business and people should hold their judgment. Married or not, my child will grow up with both biological parents in his life. We wouldn't be the first to divorce and plenty of unhappily married couples have and will do worse.

Mem -

Anyway, its because she was getting to a certain age and I felt like our love was trending upwards despite the rockiness. She's weighing the diaper because he's on the lighter and smaller side, though he's very healthy. We're trying to understand how much he's taking in, and how much he's flushing out. Again, weighing the diaper was new to me. Weighing him before and after feedings is part of our routine.

While I do more than friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean I know every single nuance that is going on. I know our routines and I know them well. I don't know the new things she starts right when she starts them. She hasn't continued doing this since yesterday.
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 10:19 PM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Jny,

I wasn't trying to poke at you. I did a quick read of your prior posts and admit to being surprised at the 'big picture'.

You depict her as a very unhappy and angry person. On top of that she either dislikes sex, or dislikes sex with you.

So things are bad outside the bedroom and terrible inside the bedroom.




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Originally Posted by jnyu44 View Post
Why I had a child with her is really no one's business and people should hold their judgment. Married or not, my child will grow up with both biological parents in his life. We wouldn't be the first to divorce and plenty of unhappily married couples have and will do worse.

Mem -

Anyway, its because she was getting to a certain age and I felt like our love was trending upwards despite the rockiness. She's weighing the diaper because he's on the lighter and smaller side, though he's very healthy. We're trying to understand how much he's taking in, and how much he's flushing out. Again, weighing the diaper was new to me. Weighing him before and after feedings is part of our routine.

While I do more than friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean I know every single nuance that is going on. I know our routines and I know them well. I don't know the new things she starts right when she starts them. She hasn't continued doing this since yesterday.
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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 11:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

No problem. As a moderator though, imo it's probably important to exercise even more discretion in your posts than your average member. Anyway, appreciate your input.
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 12:53 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Am I the only one who lol'd at the diaper weighing thing? Aren't you supposed to care more about weighing the baby?

I would have thrown it out also. Who leaves a soiled diaper on a table. As weird as I think it is (hey, to each their own), I'd at least have a special container for it. Gross.

But you should have apologized when threw it out and realized she wanted it. Unless she got cross with you first. The flip side of this is that, by throwing it out you were only trying to help, right?

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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 01:13 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Did a doctor suggest weighing the diapers?

It really does not seem to make a lot of sense.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 01:13 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

Your entire thread is about respect. And your tactics with your wife are based on you presenting this as a scenario where:
"totally logical person collides with totally irrational and aggressive person and refuses to back down"

I asked you some fair questions. I think they were fair. I didn't expect you to get defensive.

And I certainly didn't expect a guy who talks about how tough he is at work to dive straight into the victim chair because the person asking the questions is a mod. I wasn't asking as a 'mod', just as a contributor.

I wish you well.



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Originally Posted by jnyu44 View Post
No problem. As a moderator though, imo it's probably important to exercise even more discretion in your posts than your average member. Anyway, appreciate your input.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 01:46 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

jnyu44.
I think there are more issues in your marriage then just disrespect. First, based on your responses to members of this forum, It looks to me that you do not take criticism well, and expect respect based on your superior status. You also gave your wife ultimatum to start respecting you within a week. Does she have a ON/OFF switch. What you did is set her up for failure. Since you are in a managerial position, you must know about performance reviews. The one of the important part of this process is evaluating past performance, and setup future goals for improvements with a milestones and periodic progress checks. Have you approach your marriage situation in similar matter? Have you both identified the major issues that prevent both of you to be happy, and start working toward resolution?
Good Luck
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 03:52 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

IMO it would be very hard to respect a man like you! You sound so full of yourself and hardly the kind of man that deserves respect with your overbearing attitude. based on some of the stuff you have written here I am surprised your wife hasn't taken a base ball bat to the side of your head and I am not by nature a violent person!

There is obviously no love lost in your marriage and you appear to always want to be right or in the "Lording it over" position.

You have threatened divorce so many times - that's a way to build a marriage NOT. The D word should never come from your lips, talk about making your wife feel insecure and just after she had a baby, you are a right piece of work.
Bullying your wife to show you are the one with power - another great way to build a marriage, NOT. You are probably the type you lies around the house when she is flat out with housework, baby and all but give yourself praise because you did a bit more than your buddies did, wow bully for you.

You told her you don't need intimacy - maybe she does, why don't you kick her when she is down some more. Have you stopped to think how she feels about that. Remember intimacy is not just intercourse, it's also holding hands, hugs, affection etc, she probably needs that more than ever, home with a young kid. You know it is not ALL about you!
Yeah, treating your wife the same way as you would treat one of your employees, that is surely a huge red flag, you don't have a clue about what a marriage is.
Your wife has just had a baby and you are not "caring' for her, your pride obviously is more important to your 'cause you the man, you must stand your ground' - hope that works for you

Has it crossed your mind at all that you have contributed to the negative sentiment in your marriage at all, but I guess its ALL your wife's fault. You say you desperately want your marriage to work but it's all about you. Think about it from her point of view.
Incidentally as you have so many people working for you, you ought to know that RESPECT IS EARNED NOT DEMANDED, and you are being demanding. Women do not respond well to bully boy tactics hence the negativity and tantrums. Good luck with that!
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 06:25 AM
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Re: Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?

I know a guy whose wife once jokingly suggested that they try domestic disciple (spanking). They tried it, and amazing things happened. Their marriage has gone from strength to strength now that they have a healthy male/female dynamic. When she misbehaves he makes her write lines, or puts her in the corner, or makes he be silent for the rest of the day, or just gives gives her a few smacks with a paddle. What started off as a joke turned into an interesting insight into how women respond to different behaviours, and I think this is very relevant to the OP's question. Well worth considering.
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