What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years? - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 11:40 AM Thread Starter
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What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

I've been married 10 years, mostly successful I think. I hear stories of people being married 40, 50+ years and do wonder, how? That seems really long! If you've been married that long, can you share your secrets to success?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 11:48 AM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Kindness and compassion. When I think about it, I'm pretty convinced that my wife taught me how to be kind.

Liking each other as well as loving each other.

Humor. My wife and I crack each other up all the time, and it's a great way, maybe the best way, to meet all of the adversity that comes with living life.

Communication. Maybe the primary thing that brought me here in the first place. In spite of the positives sketched above, we had problems talking to each other and reading into things that weren't said. It was complicated, and I don't want to spend too much time on it, but we've been doing much better in that department lately. You can't overestimate the value of good communication when you've lived it's absence.

Commitment. The drive to make the marriage last a lifetime regardless of the stumbling blocks (absent the obvious like abuse, addiction or infidelity), and the drive to dismantle those stumbling blocks you have control over.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 11:51 AM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

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Originally Posted by crazyworkingmom View Post
I've been married 10 years, mostly successful I think. I hear stories of people being married 40, 50+ years and do wonder, how? That seems really long! If you've been married that long, can you share your secrets to success?
Shouldn't you be qualifying that with "happily" married? My parents have been married 60 years but I'm not sure how many of those years were truly happy. It took a strong committment to work things out (although my Dad just usually gave in). And lots of sacrifices and settling on both sides I think. Willing to ride the bad along with the good.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 12:16 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

I have been married almost 30 years. (28 yrs later this year, but dated for 2 years). We have a great marriage. Enjoy spending time together. I would say that our secret that has kept us together all these years is just simply "love." I love my husband and there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-18-2015, 03:08 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Today is our 38th wedding anniversary. I would say that the 3 C's keep us going strong: commitment, communication, and compromise. If you have picked a compatible person and you both are committed to the marriage, resolve to find a way to overcome the petty resentments that can erode love. Love your partner in the way that matters to them--sexually, quality time together, acts of service, active listening. Of course separate living quarters would help, too:

The House That Saved Their Marriage - WSJ

"You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” Joseph Campbell
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 09:12 AM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

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I've been married 10 years, mostly successful I think. I hear stories of people being married 40, 50+ years and do wonder, how? That seems really long! If you've been married that long, can you share your secrets to success?
We've been together since 1982..met in our teens (so it's been over 33 yrs )....just not officially married that long ...yet..

Clicked on this thread last night before I went to sleep...thought I'd ask husband while he was getting dressed for work this am.. what he felt our "secret to success" was...within like 2 seconds ...this rolled off his lips...

* "We Both want the same things in life".... pretty simple answer..

That about sums it up.... it does make things flow so much easier...sure we have bad days.. something upsets us... we get in a mood.. cars breaking down, a little "pms' rearing it's ugly head on my attitude... still have a good fight once in a while.. but that's only normal.. ....Most of our fights, we can look back and laugh... just some funny moments there.

We're one of those couples who doesn't let the sun go down on our anger.. (I think that has only happened maybe 2 times in all our years).... we don't leave each other's side, we're not grudge holders.... we talk it out ....we're very Open, vulnerable with each other... quick to admit our own faults, shortcomings .. OWN THEM & apologize when we've hurt the other... really...we can't rest until we are back in each others arms" again.. and always "Make up sex".. the best part!

* @karole saying "simply Love".... We both desire to please each other...this brings us fulfillment.. when we're at odds.. we are bothered, miserable in fact.... because "US" matters... it's never been "my" or "his" so much.. but "OURS".. or "US".. when I felt I was having a "Mid life crisis" (all sexual mind you > ).. I never looked in terms of what I Missed .. but what WE missed.. and we rode that wave together...

These things make all the difference..... if one of us hurts... the other hurts.. if one of us needs.. the other wants to satisfy... we affect each other..and want to make it right....

* We've always been Best friends.. some say don't marry your Best friend.. you won't have the passion.. I don't understand this.. I couldn't imagine NOT marrying my best friend !.. When leafing through 100's of wedding invitations .. when I came to this one... the search was over.... still feel this way after all these years.. if anything, our love has grown with the shared memories, climbing that mountain together to achieve our dreams...looking back -how he handled me during my hardest yrs..when we couldn't conceive...then the babies coming one after one...a gratitude wells inside for how he stood beside me, loved me through it..



* Communication / Laughing together.... we've always had what I call a "willing transparency" with each other.. we can't keep secrets....we wouldn't want to!... this is where intimacy is born.... anything Good, bad, juicy, the FUNNY.. (the crazy antics that happen at his work, stories of the guys.. )...if we've had a lousy day, need a hug....we're horny (let the seduction begin).. have a fantasy...we share it (I might be a little more forthcoming here... but he loves it)...

Our sense of humor... There are times the things he says... making fun of me.. I just start ... there is always some element of truth in it...I adore this somehow....then the kids get involved, we're all laughing.....then my feistiness gets a rise out of him..all this a part of our chemistry... which leads to lots of high spirited BANTER ....keeps things FUN.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 07-19-2015 at 06:39 PM.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 02:05 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Tell you when I get there. Almost 24 together and 20 married.

Love the stories and advice here though.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-21-2015, 07:35 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Realistic expectations and a commitment to make it work.

That means expecting good times and reveling in them when they come. Expect bad times, and weather them as well. Don't expect you, your partner, or your marriage to be perfect, so you won't become disappointed when it isn't. Make staying together a commitment.

Lest that be interpreted as overly pessimistic, it isn't. It just means be realistic.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-22-2015, 01:41 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

There is no secret! That is the secret. We have been married for 42 years.....sometimes 42 long hurtful years....sometimes 42 wonderful fulfilling years. It all depends on the day and sometimes the time of day.....

I often wonder if we stayed together just out of stubbornness. Neither one wanted to give up or give in. Then we kind of worked out how to communicate better, in ways that made sense to each other. One can try to communicate but if you aren't speaking in ways the other person picks up your meaning you are just blowing in the wind.

I could write out step by step how we got to 42 years with both of us still alive and speaking to each other but it would be worthless to anyone else because they aren't us.

I would advise respect first. Respect each other's viewpoints and what each person brings to the marriage. Then follow with communication, communication, communication.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-22-2015, 02:11 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Meds.


Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 05:17 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Soon to be 44 years of marriage. Honestly thought I was heading for divorce several years ago.

Secrets.

Respecting her,
valuing what she thinks,
sharing similar views on money, family, morality.
Enough sex for me and not so much it overwhelms her
Not giving up (this is huge! .....fighting to build and save your marriage each and every year)
Not taking anything that happens too seriously, after all we are only humans with human weakness.
Showing unconditional love (my dog taught me so very much)
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-10-2015, 05:10 AM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

I'll hit 'Copy and save' on GTDad's post.


Recently I was speaking to a woman, married nearly 70 years before her husband passed. She speaks with the utmost respect and admiration towards him and their marriage. Knowing his name, I asked if she'd called him by a shortened nick-name. She leaned forward and said, Oh no dear. I simply called him 'Love' .......and he called me 'Love' too. We never referred to each other by name, we simply called one another, 'Love'. She shared how they laughed nearly every morning together in bed. They had a certain skit by way of playful teasing, that never got old between them.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-18-2015, 11:18 AM
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-18-2015, 11:25 AM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Not allowing anyone to say the "D" word...

I'm just another TAM Cleavage Bully.....
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 03:44 PM
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Re: What's Your Secret for Successful Marriages if you've been married 30+ years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
We've been together since 1982..met in our teens (so it's been over 33 yrs )....just not officially married that long ...yet..

Clicked on this thread last night before I went to sleep...thought I'd ask husband while he was getting dressed for work this am.. what he felt our "secret to success" was...within like 2 seconds ...this rolled off his lips...

* "We Both want the same things in life".... pretty simple answer..

That about sums it up.... it does make things flow so much easier...sure we have bad days.. something upsets us... we get in a mood.. cars breaking down, a little "pms' rearing it's ugly head on my attitude... still have a good fight once in a while.. but that's only normal.. ....Most of our fights, we can look back and laugh... just some funny moments there.

We're one of those couples who doesn't let the sun go down on our anger.. (I think that has only happened maybe 2 times in all our years).... we don't leave each other's side, we're not grudge holders.... we talk it out ....we're very Open, vulnerable with each other... quick to admit our own faults, shortcomings .. OWN THEM & apologize when we've hurt the other... really...we can't rest until we are back in each others arms" again.. and always "Make up sex".. the best part!

* @karole saying "simply Love".... We both desire to please each other...this brings us fulfillment.. when we're at odds.. we are bothered, miserable in fact.... because "US" matters... it's never been "my" or "his" so much.. but "OURS".. or "US".. when I felt I was having a "Mid life crisis" (all sexual mind you > ).. I never looked in terms of what I Missed .. but what WE missed.. and we rode that wave together...

These things make all the difference..... if one of us hurts... the other hurts.. if one of us needs.. the other wants to satisfy... we affect each other..and want to make it right....

* We've always been Best friends.. some say don't marry your Best friend.. you won't have the passion.. I don't understand this.. I couldn't imagine NOT marrying my best friend !.. When leafing through 100's of wedding invitations .. when I came to this one... the search was over.... still feel this way after all these years.. if anything, our love has grown with the shared memories, climbing that mountain together to achieve our dreams...looking back -how he handled me during my hardest yrs..when we couldn't conceive...then the babies coming one after one...a gratitude wells inside for how he stood beside me, loved me through it..



* Communication / Laughing together.... we've always had what I call a "willing transparency" with each other.. we can't keep secrets....we wouldn't want to!... this is where intimacy is born.... anything Good, bad, juicy, the FUNNY.. (the crazy antics that happen at his work, stories of the guys.. )...if we've had a lousy day, need a hug....we're horny (let the seduction begin).. have a fantasy...we share it (I might be a little more forthcoming here... but he loves it)...

Our sense of humor... There are times the things he says... making fun of me.. I just start ... there is always some element of truth in it...I adore this somehow....then the kids get involved, we're all laughing.....then my feistiness gets a rise out of him..all this a part of our chemistry... which leads to lots of high spirited BANTER ....keeps things FUN.
((sigh...)) you just decribed my marriage of 30 some years, that ended with my hubs affair of 4 yrs ago. Even good long term marriage arent safe

~sammy
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