Military Marriage

TRS · 08-12-2011, 05:29 PM

My husband and I are both in the military. We married quickly, young, and I don't want to be another divorce statistic.

The good parts are we rarely argue- we get along great, have a solid base in friendship, have a similar outlook about life, careers, and raising our beautiful 3 year old daughter.

The hard parts are that the marriage was only supposed to be one year, a contract marriage- for reasons that were very important at the time. We've been together almost five years now. I have never been "in love" with my husband. I do not really miss him when one of us or the other is deployed, I still live my life the same. He is very emotional and misses me, and I find it hard to talk to him while I am away.

I am not an emotional person, and hate lying so I am very direct about my feelings on the matter. I can only offer what I truly have, which is that we are great friends, and I feel that is more than some marriages have going for them. We get along great. Financially, we are very responsible and set. We both are involved in plenty of activities, and there are no trust issues to be had. We have managed to sidestep most of the major issues in marriage.

Is there anyone else in a similar position? Is it possible to make a marriage without love work? Would it be better for me to lie? Does anyone else have a marriage that love fades from, and exists based on friendship?

I do not want to sound heartless, I'm not. I've been in love twice in my life- neither with my husband. But I respect him, we have a deep friendship, and he is the father of my child. That is enough for me, but does it make me unfair to him? Any advice on how to help soften my heart towards him? Thank you.

BigBadWolf · 08-12-2011, 06:10 PM

Advice? Yes.

Go to the men's forum, read the stickies there concerning "nice guy", and then encourage your husband to light your sexual fires by stopping behaving like your best friend and start behaving like your passionate lover. (hint: there's ALWAYS a direct correlation between "we never fight" and less than passionate sexual marriage)

The trick though, as any case of a man needing to increase his masculine sexual attraction, it must come FROM him and be FOR him, and not merely because he just wants to appease his wife.

THat subtle distinction makes all the difference, and is the concrete line between success and failure.

I wish you well.

kcb22 · 04-18-2012, 04:57 PM

First the negative:

I highly disagree with "contract marriages" in the military. It's an insult to the institution of marriage, and a lot of people in the military are doing it to get twice as much BAH, married pay, separation pay, etc. It's dishonest and wrong because those benefits are there for a reason and people shouldn't take advantage of them for selfish reasons. I know people who have done this in the past- they are now divorced and regret it.

And if you didn't love him, why would you have a child with him?

He shouldn't have to suffer and feel unloved due to your lapse in judgment.

Negative points over. Now on to the positive:

The good thing is, it doesn't sound like you are cheating on him, which is great. It sounds like you are both great parents to your daughter.

It is possible to fall in love even in your situation. Spending time alone together without your daughter once a week or so is key. See movies together, go to random places on base. And also- find family to watch your daughter and try to travel together once a year. Go to beaches, see dolphins, go to amusement parks, take boat rides. Getting away from the every day and experiencing new things is the best way to fall in love. Later on you can take your daughter along but right now it is crucial to go on a sort of honeymoon (or second honeymoon if you already had one) and take some first steps together.

Military marriage is difficult and monotonous even when one spouse is enlisted- a dual military marriage is bound to be even harder, I would assume. It is very important to do things out of the ordinary and everyday.

It sounds like your husband really loves you. Is there any particular reason you don't love him in return?

Carol/BC · 04-20-2012, 06:43 PM

It seems to me that there is surely an answer, but you'll have to think outside the box. You don't have a typical picket-fence marriage. Many things about it are really, really good and you've made a beautiful daughter together. I love and respect your honesty - keep that intact forever!

Thinking outside the box will be a challenge, but just brainstorm - what would make a safe environment for your daughter and still leave you and your husband able to find happiness? Would it be easier to brainstorm if you looked at yourself as a team raising a child rather than a married couple? You two may end up having a 'loose orbit' with each other but a 'tight orbit' with your daughter.

I'm big on working hard on a marriage, especially with a kid, but I'm also big on alternative answers. There are lots of answers...it's just that they'll be unorthodox. So what? Make happiness on your own terms!