Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 03:30 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

I hear you LMS - actually this very subject you have raised hits the nail on the head for me. In fact I have become completely disillusioned about my situation. If you read my history and more recent posts you will note that I am living a most unsatisfactory life - under the same roof as a woman (my exWS) who betrayed me. I am here all for the sake of my children, all for 'tight' financial reasons.

I wish you well and only wish I could provide some type of adequate answer but I have become bitter unfortunately. It seems as though some people lead charmed lives. A friend of mine and her husband are both 60 and they are both very much in love. You couldn't imagine them apart; currently they are in Europe. My 'partner' and I have zero in common - it has never been more obvious. It makes me sick half of the time but I must carry on - for now.

I hope things improve - I do know that communication is key. Whatever the outcome.

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post #17 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 03:52 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Here is a book that I think could help you get the romance back into your marriage.

The author, Esther Perel also has some good videos & Ted Talks on youtube.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
by Esther Perel

Surviving An Affair -
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To Create A Passionate Marriage -
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post #18 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Thank you!! I am still battling with this (just posted something else about how I am feeling so disenchanted after watching all of these "perfect relationship" holiday movies (((). I will take a look at this book, EleGirl. I am just so disheartened (I hear you, Horizon ((
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post #19 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 03:09 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

The Five Kinds of Love

A thread of mine from a few years back. Read the sections of Storge and Eros Love. You are probably floating along in Storge, it is very common in an LTR but is not a bad thing. Eros is very difficult to maintain at a high level for long periods of time but it can be done. If Eros is missing in the relationship, many morn it as the "spark" is gone. In reality, the love may have moved on to a deeper and more trusting love.

After 30+ years together, my wife and I are in a hybrid of Storge and Phileo. But I wouldn't consider it "in a rut" by any stretch. Eros is there but in smaller doses. We keep the "romance" alive with spending time together talking, watching TV, listening to music and having a date night on an irregular basis. I turn 60 next year, but we continued to have sex at least once a week. We raise the passion level with some good old fashioned make out and petting sessions on the couch when the house is empty. We keep close tabs on each other as we sleep making sure we snuggle up regularly and rarely pass each other in the house without a kiss, hug or pat on the rump.

Many look to find or regain the "spark" and overlook the fact that they are actually in a relationship that is much deeper, much more stable and much more emotionally encompassing than they imagine.

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Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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post #20 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 03:45 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Boy, I miss those pats on the rump!
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post #21 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Wow, thanks, Amplexor. I definitely don't discount how having a deeper relationship can be so much better.................though I am definitely missing that spark ((( Wishing I could have a bit of both ((
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post #22 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 07:33 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Married over 45 years to my best friend. Met her when she was just 14 and started dating when we were 16 and 18, married at 20 and 22. Never had a regret, not for one day. In all the years together, never had what is often mentioned on this forum as a "rough spot in our marriage". Can talk with her on any intimate subject, as she is the most open minded woman I have ever met. Still absolutely crazy for her, as no other woman has ever "turned my head". Not that I don't appreciate a woman that I find to be mice and attractive, but doubt that I could ever have any of the feelings like I always have for my wife. Can never get enough of her and you will rarely see us outside of work when we are not together.

I have referred to these warm feelings as a gift from God, as they are the same exact emotions I had when we were dating. Still today I always want to hold her, kiss her, touch her and tell her she still has that magic that "turns me on" and how much I truly adore her and also can never stop thanking her for agreeing to be my wife, against the expressed wishes of her parents.

We are still very touchy feely, usually fall sleep in the nude, in the spoon position. Shower together almost every morning before breakfast and then leave for work at the same time. Speake on the phone or now text on most days while at work, a practice often derided by our co-workers.
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post #23 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 10:58 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

For us, after 20 years our sex was different but better. My wife became more comfortable with her bisexuality and her relationship with our girlfriend deepened. We explored many fetishes and various forms of group sex, to just try them for the experience. We were very secure in our marriage so there was never any jealousy. We had learned that sometimes sex is just sex. Not for everyone, I know but it revitalized our sex life. Sex became very exciting all over again.

Our sex life and marriage is still vibrant into our mid sixties. My wife and I are the only ones still having sex out of all of our friends. We still are into kinky sex once in a while, to give our sex life a boost. We have been married over 40 years now. I refused to become like my parents who went from lovers to good friends and stayed together just because they were comfortable.

I think that an active sex life is important to promote intimacy. Sex does release a hormone that emotionally bonds the couple together. You can easily enter into a spiral where the less sex you have, the less you want to have sex. When we found ourselves finding excuses why not to have sex, we scheduled two mandatory sex nights each week. No excuses accepted and no sex required. We started off with just cuddling and talking but in a few weeks we were having sex regularly and did not need the scheduled sex nights anymore. We have also tried 5 new fetishes in the last 2 years which were fun but grew boring after a few months. You really have to work at it.

Although my wife and I have always been good friends, I want the kind friend that gives you benefits.
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post #24 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 04:23 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

My husband and I have been together nearly 21 years. Living together for 20 years. Our relationship feels more solid and grounded than it has before. We have each others back. We enjoy doing many things together yet we also have our own interests, goals and pursuits. For us, there is a flutter with having an independent sense of self and then returning to the other. It's evident in the way I feel when he goes and comes back telling me all about what he's experienced including the people he's met. It also makes him intriguing. He told me how he admired me at a social function, seeing me across the table, connecting and laughing with people I'd only just met. It was flattering to hear this! And flattering to know he'd been observing me... I would have been oblivious otherwise!

We enjoy the mixed bag of shared moments. Working on our home and garden, sweating together, the sexy and playful moments, the loving touches and glances, the disagreements, consideration to one another and the romantic gestures. Big or small, the romantic gestures are an expression; they are the fun sprinkles on top. Sometimes I wonder if the 'spark' becomes a combination of factors in LTR that includes having a strong foundation, chemistry, consideration and gratitude.

While my husband and I both love adventures and travel and such things can be bonding, there's a lot to be said for acknowledging the simple, every day moments. Actually the simple, every day moments are what most of us tend to have in abundance... and there's so much to be grateful for in those moments. Perhaps sometimes it just takes a little consideration and observing with a renewed outlook.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #25 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 07:50 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Wow,

Heartwarming to hear all the excellent comments about their spouse.

I'm fortunate, too. Over the years, it gets better. And we have found plateaus where we level off a bit, and then take off up the mountain, again. Rarely boring. And, yes, it can be JUST as exciting as when we first met... even better.

One sure can turn it around and spark things up. For a lot of us, touch is important... the little touches, from a pat on the butt to a sexy hug. She puts her legs on me often and I just rub. She rubs my back. I rub her neck. Give her a massage... partial, full, foot, head, shoulders and some very exciting sexual massages that take off like crazy.

We spend a lot of time together, work and play together. Rarely do a trip without her. It's part of our life.

We explore together.. with anything from a walk, bike, canoe, car or plane.

Occasionally one will want more... or less, or make a change, and occasionally we don't agree, but getting back on the right track is part of it. We rarely have a knock down hard fight (but it's happened, and makeup sex is great).

Yes, one can work on it and get huge rewards.


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post #26 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 09:12 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Married 27 years. We went through some years of companion love, husband had depression ED, sleep apnea health problems, money stress, raising children, taking care of parents, job losses, job stress we both had a weight problem. We were nice to each other, said l love you's hugs and kisses but not a lot of passion. A couple of years ago we both decided to loose weight He has lost over 100 pounds and me 60 pounds. He got help for his ED.

We are now the most intimate we have ever been. We started by kissing and hugging a lot more when we were together. Going on date nights, spending more time together (which is easier since our children are older) Then we started going to bed at the same time and keeping electronics and TV off spending time cuddling and kissing. Weekend morning we have sex cuddle and kiss. We text each other often during the work day. Couples who have been married a long time don't need to grow apart and be companions.
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post #27 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-13-2016, 01:34 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilMissSunshine View Post
I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???
It will be 25 years in August for us. Honestly, our sex life is BETTER than it was 25 years ago. I still think my wife is sexy and beautiful. Sometimes I can't understand how it's so good. It blows my mind. I will tell you that I believe in God and I pray every single day specifically about our sex life. I figure that God gave me this woman so why not pray about sex with her.

I specifically pray "God please let me lust after this woman more and more each day and let her lust more and more for me every day." God has answered my prayer!
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post #28 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by UMP View Post
I specifically pray "God please let me lust after this woman more and more each day and let her lust more and more for me every day." God has answered my prayer!
I'm lovin' this prayer right here.. there is nothing like being HORNY for each other...so intoxicating...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribvistors View Post
Married over 45 years to my best friend. Met her when she was just 14 and started dating when we were 16 and 18, married at 20 and 22. Never had a regret, not for one day. In all the years together, never had what is often mentioned on this forum as a "rough spot in our marriage". Can talk with her on any intimate subject, as she is the most open minded woman I have ever met. Still absolutely crazy for her, as no other woman has ever "turned my head". Not that I don't appreciate a woman that I find to be mice and attractive, but doubt that I could ever have any of the feelings like I always have for my wife. Can never get enough of her and you will rarely see us outside of work when we are not together.

I have referred to these warm feelings as a gift from God, as they are the same exact emotions I had when we were dating. Still today I always want to hold her, kiss her, touch her and tell her she still has that magic that "turns me on" and how much I truly adore her and also can never stop thanking her for agreeing to be my wife, against the expressed wishes of her parents.

We are still very touchy feely, usually fall sleep in the nude, in the spoon position. Shower together almost every morning before breakfast and then leave for work at the same time. Speake on the phone or now text on most days while at work, a practice often derided by our co-workers.
And just who says that none of us are naturally monogamous ...so many arguments against this today.. like why even bother.. ...we're not meant to be with the same person for life... though some highly value this.. there is a great depth of attachment... have you ever googled articles on Pair bonding & what we've learned from Prairie voles.. something about vasopressin receptors -can make the difference between being promiscuous & more the pair bonded type....



Love your story.. but come on...you had to of had SOME Rough spots.. ours was dealing with infertility.. though even that was more of an external thing.... he'd try to soothe me & help any way he could... it never hurt how we felt about each other.. . but still it sucked my Joy at times....and I made things rougher for him.. I look back with admiration how he put up with me back then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor View Post
As soon as I seen this thread.. I thought of yours .. wanting to find it ... glad you posted it.. that was one of my earliest reads here.. loved seeing those broken down ! I guess this one threw MANIA in there...


Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 01-16-2016 at 07:03 PM.
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post #29 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 10:40 AM
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All I can say is WOW! I have been with my wife for over 19 years. I know that's not nearly as long as some of you, but it is still considered marriage tenure these days.

When I first married I wasn't the best kind of person or husband. I still enjoyed partying, going out with my brothers and friends. Sometimes staying out till dawn. I was short-tempered, self-centered, and a handful for sure. The amazing part for me was my wife persevered through it all and stayed with me. We definitely had our share of troubles early in our marriage because of me. I even thought on several occasions that she was going to leave me. I finally figured it out, that I was the cause of the problems we were having. That's when I remember the prayers I had before I met my wife, how they were answered, and decided to make a change in me. I started going to church, renewed my faith in Jesus Christ, and everything changed 180 degrees. I can't thank God enough, to tell you the truth. Jesus Christ changed me. You would've had to have known me before to understand the changes that took place. I'm living proof of what faith can do.

So, looking at the "Five Kinds of Love" (it looks like six, but the "Agape" love is one that only Jesus Christ was able to have, so none of us will ever be able to have that kind.), our love is definitely "Eros", although there were some minimal times with a couple of the other kinds.

I am very observant of others, and I can truthfully say that my wife and I are probably one of the most affectionate married couples I've seen. We hold hands in public all the time, kiss in public (nothing passionate, not that we wouldn't want to..., ), and say "I love you" all the time. It doesn't matter who is around us when we say it. The little things we do reinforce our commitment to each other, like just last night at my daughter's basketball game my wife put on hand on my thigh. I reached down and clasped her hand, and we held hands for most of the evening.

We never leave each other before we say our "I love you!"

At home, I will walk up behind her giving her a hug, a kiss on the neck, compliment her all the time, tell her how much I love her and appreciate her -- all kinds of things to reinforce the love I have for her. I rarely can walk by her at home without touching her in some kind of way, sometimes a breast rub, sometimes a bum squeeze or pat (if nobody is watching, that is) We call each other every day before we head home. We always know where each other is. We text each other all the time with love notes, etc. I know! It sounds like a couple of teenagers, or newlyweds... Oh, well!

We, as a couple, have always known that God brought us together. It wasn't by happenstance. We are active in church, and pray every day. People compliment us all the time about our affection for each other, and I've had some even ask how we keep that after being married so long. I tell them it's because we love each other, pray together, and communicate that way. I don't tell them we have sex almost every day, though.

She is still the love of my life, and I still find her extremely attractive and sexy. Neither of us look exactly like we did when we got married, but she still turns me on, and when I see her nakedness I appreciate her beauty that much more (I probably gawk and drool). I always look forward to coming home after work just to see her.

Like with any long-term marriage, there's been ups and downs, but we are committed to each other, and have persevered through them all. It's a continuous process to keep things from getting mundane, or boring as some say. That's when you do something different, adding some spice of sorts.

Two VERY important aspects of any successful marriage are LOVE and COMMUNICATION. Love is commitment, and communication is being able to talk and listen to each other about anything without instilling anger and resentment. We may not always agree, but we certainly will respect each other's viewpoint. An added part of our marriage that is just as important to us is our FAITH.

Last edited by Luvher4life; 01-20-2016 at 11:17 AM.
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post #30 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-20-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Just to add something else that is important is our marriage..., we LAUGH a lot! A good belly laugh at least a couple of times a week is very healthy!
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