Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #31 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 07:22 AM
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Thank you!! I am still battling with this (just posted something else about how I am feeling so disenchanted after watching all of these "perfect relationship" holiday movies (((). I will take a look at this book, EleGirl. I am just so disheartened (I hear you, Horizon ((
If y'all are over 40 you should get full hormone check up. Men feel best when testosterone levels are around 1000 in a range from 450-1100. I started t therapy at around 41. I was tired and could not stay awake in evening. You can become emotional but be emotionally numb to others at the same time if you know what I mean.

Women need to be checked too. After a partial hystorectomy. The ovaries quit working in 2-3 yrs as they are starved for blood because almost half the supply comes from veins from the uterus.

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post #32 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

In my experience, it just turns into nice companions... No fighting, but no sparks either.
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post #33 of 67 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 10:26 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

After 20 years married I have refused to let my marriage fall into the just companionship trap. I flirt with my wife constantly. We have two daughters who are teen/pre-teen and their rooms are close to ours, so we don't get to be "crazy" too often. I am hoping that in 5 years, once the kids are in college, that we'll have more sex time.

We go on dates and each of us is truly in love. Yes, the companionship aspect is there, but I won't give up on the passion and fun.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #34 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Funny... this topic is just what brought me to this forum today. Married 27 years, together 29, I'm 53 and wife is 10 years older so I wonder if she has just hit the companion stage ahead of me although I've always been the more affectionate of us, but it's tough across all fronts as you mentioned.

Wish I had insight to offer but I'm trying to figure this out myself, this is a wonder thread conversation and look forward to the responses and conversations you generate.
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post #35 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 09:24 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Emerging,

It does take effort to keep the spark alive, and both have to bring some excitement to the table (bed). But, it's not really hard to do.

Ya don't need sex every day, but you do need interaction all the time. It's the little things that count... kiss on the neck, quikie back rub, ass grabbing, and the little notes, texts, emails.

Also, some habits go a long way, just to make sure your partner always has you in their mind in a positive way.... perhaps a kiss goodby when they leave, and hello when they arrive, help with their stuff, clean sometime or do a chore for them.

When fights break out, minimize them and DONT ARGUE. No one wins, but mention that you understand and we can discuss this whenever. And makeup sex is great.

Just food for thought.

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post #36 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 09:39 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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post #37 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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TX-SC, if I can give you some advice: don't wait for 5 years to enjoy "crazy" sex. Do not waste any time, enjoy every minute now. You don't know what might befall you or her in 5 years.

Go away often or construct a bedroom for the two of you in the basement. Do whatever you have to do, but don't wait.

My H and I have had a fabulous marriage; it wasn't until year 27 that hormones started playing havoc with our sex life. I'm glad we didn't wait.
Thanks for that! We have good sex, but certainly not loud sex. Occasionally both kids are at a sleepover and we get the house to ourselves, but it's rare. I have some ideas to spice things up though.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #38 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 09:53 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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post #39 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 11:00 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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Emerging,

It does take effort to keep the spark alive, and both have to bring some excitement to the table (bed). But, it's not really hard to do.

Ya don't need sex every day, but you do need interaction all the time. It's the little things that count... kiss on the neck, quikie back rub, ass grabbing, and the little notes, texts, emails.

Also, some habits go a long way, just to make sure your partner always has you in their mind in a positive way.... perhaps a kiss goodby when they leave, and hello when they arrive, help with their stuff, clean sometime or do a chore for them.

When fights break out, minimize them and DONT ARGUE. No one wins, but mention that you understand and we can discuss this whenever. And makeup sex is great.

Just food for thought.
Thanks for the feedback November, interesting comment about year "27" in the following post by Guest12345 and I know hormones impact things, especially with our age difference.. never thought about that 30 years ago although it wouldn't have made a difference to my love for her. A lot of things you mentioned I do, almost all in fact except the MUS which she has clearly expressed "does not work for her". Don't want to thread-jack here, maybe I should start my own but it is in the exact same line as LMS's concern... with her permission I'll share more here without taking over.

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post #40 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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post #41 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 12:27 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

The year "specific" really doesn't make much difference, but as we age, we do need to pay attention to hormones. I've been on Testosterone for about 2 years now because of a low count, and has significantly helped with a lot of physical things.

Worth a visit to a specialist at times.

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post #42 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Not so much as the year married but as to how it relates to aging really... if you make it 27-30 years together you are probably in the 50's/60's at your youngest, not that it's a bad thing, just where you are.

No, she is a purist when it come to introducing differing things into her system, if she takes more than a dozen ibuprofen‎ a year I would be surprised. We talked about hormone treatments in the past but it was a conversation that resulted in little interest on her part, don't want to push it and have her thinking I don't like who she is, love being her companion, miss being her passionate partner and she gets frustrated when the conversation comes up, so I came here to get some objective feedback for better understanding and LMS's post hit it on the head. I feel bad sometimes that I am discontent, but this is a desire I am not sure I am ready to lessen/remove and want to patiently keep it in our life.

Maybe I should just keep focusing on my noble truths and eightfold paths.
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post #43 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

I define it differently. What you call "companion love" I call a deep love born of time and experience. It's a profound type of love that is more comfortable, but has much more depth than the sparky type of love/lust we have when it is new. You can't truly KNOW your partner until you have experienced the ups and downs that life can throw your way. Seeing them at their best AND worst is the only way to truly know them. Once you have that, then love is well rooted and truly magnificent.

When you see a sapling, do you say "That's majestic!" Generally, no. But when you see a 150 year old oak or a 200 year old Red Wood, it can awe you.

So, what is it about the "spark" that means so much? When I am around my wife I am happy. When she is naked in front of me I have a hard time not touching her sexually (She has a hard time getting dressed in front of me because, damn, I just want some of THAT!). It's not a spark, it's a deep desire.

I wanted her from day one. I REALLY desire her now.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #44 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:43 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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I define it differently. What you call "companion love" I call a deep love born of time and experience. It's a profound type of love that is more comfortable, but has much more depth than the sparky type of love/lust we have when it is new. You can't truly KNOW your partner until you have experienced the ups and downs that life can throw your way. Seeing them at their best AND worst is the only way to truly know them. Once you have that, then love is well rooted and truly magnificent.

When you see a sapling, do you say "That's majestic!" Generally, no. But when you see a 150 year old oak or a 200 year old Red Wood, it can awe you.

So, what is it about the "spark" that means so much? When I am around my wife I am happy. When she is naked in front of me I have a hard time not touching her sexually (She has a hard time getting dressed in front of me because, damn, I just want some of THAT!). It's not a spark, it's a deep desire.

I wanted her from day one. I REALLY desire her now.
Tweak to fit the context of your anniversary and this right here, the words, could be your gift to your wife.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #45 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-29-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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BY FAR THE NORM, BY FAR!!! After paying bills, changing diapers, buying houses, selling house, yes, it would naturally go to companion AT BEST..At worst, one cheats because they "need" these things lost in the business/family/bs american dream world that is todays stressed out marriages. DUDE
This is one reason why I'm not sure I want to get hitched again. Not looking to fall into this. Maybe what they say about nursing homes are true and when I'm 80+ I can act like a teenager again!
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