Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???

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post #2 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:46 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

Can't answer for everyone but in my case the sparks were there after 43 years. While my husband was undergoing radiation for cancer, I was thinking of romantic places to visit after he was well. He didn't make it, though.

One thing that comes to mind is that my husband always held my hand - walking, sitting next to one another and occasionally as he drove. It's a small thing but is amazingly reassuring and promotes the feelings of love.
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post #3 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:56 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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Originally Posted by LilMissSunshine View Post
I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???
BY FAR THE NORM, BY FAR!!! After paying bills, changing diapers, buying houses, selling house, yes, it would naturally go to companion AT BEST..At worst, one cheats because they "need" these things lost in the business/family/bs american dream world that is todays stressed out marriages. DUDE
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post #4 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:58 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

I have been married close to 24 years. I loved being married to my husband. Our relationship has evolved over time and we are even closer now, than when we were younger. We have two kids, daughter in first year of college, son has 1 1/2 years of high school. We went thru two cancer scare.

We are looking forward to when it's just the two of us. Planning our retirement and how to help our kids when they get married.

Our marriage is exciting and the sex is crazy and even better than ever. But most of all, the love has grown and blossom. I never thought I could love him more than I do at this time. While we are good companions, we are also lovers.

Even, if the sex were to stop. I would still want to be with him. I enjoy his company. He makes me laugh and encourage me to be myself. I try to do the same for him. I make sure he is doing things that brings him happiness and he can enjoy. We both do things without each other. The important thing for us, is that we are always waiting to be with each other. He is my home.

Your expectations are quite normal to want more. And hope for more. It's not going to be the sparks of when you first met. But it's a slow burning flames, sometimes it simmering. Other times it's a blaze.

Don't give up. Find new ways to foster your bond. Sometimes, the most important thing we can do is to change ourselves. Make sure you are taking care of you. Do something that will bring you happiness and create a positive change in your life. Let that be the first step.

Good luck, darling.
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post #5 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 01:02 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

I have been married to my husband for 29 years. We have a great marriage. Still maintain a great sex life. My husband and I believe that sex is a vital part of marriage. We became empty nesters not too long ago, so it's like being newlyweds again.
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post #6 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 01:12 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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I have been married to my husband for 29 years. We have a great marriage. Still maintain a great sex life. My husband and I believe that sex is a vital part of marriage. We became empty nesters not too long ago, so it's like being newlyweds again.
Life is good.
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post #7 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 01:22 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years and it's not like being just roommates, if you know what I mean.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #8 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 01:36 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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BY FAR THE NORM, BY FAR!!! After paying bills, changing diapers, buying houses, selling house, yes, it would naturally go to companion AT BEST..At worst, one cheats because they "need" these things lost in the business/family/bs american dream world that is todays stressed out marriages. DUDE


oh, man could i go on about this..............but won't.
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post #9 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 01:42 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

@LilMissSunshine,
No. You are being shoved into a box that doesn't fit. Rage, Rage against the coming of the night.
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post #10 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 04:44 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

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..... I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................

.......Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes.....

...........anyone have thoughts on this???
Been married 44+ years to the same woman. It deteriorated into a Sex Starved Marriage (SSM). I got fed up, decided I deserved better and went about either fixing or ending it.

On my journey, I discovered that I was more of the problem than I realized. I worked on changing myself, meeting all her needs and making her feel loved and then she started to come around. We now have sex twice a week and go on romantic vacations and dates together.

First it takes work to keep the sparks alive. If you both don't put in the effort things die down. They can be rekindled, but it takes a lot of work and commitment from both.

Second when you finally get to the empty nest stage of your marriage, you can walk around naked to do things that you couldn't do when you had kids in the house. A very nice change.

So yes, it doesn't have to end up a companion or business partner situation. It doesn't even have to be a friends with benefit situation. It can be better, much better. Still you probably won't hump like bunny rabbits due to sore knees and less flexibility, unless you work at it.

Good luck.

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post #11 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 05:09 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

These are my observations reading countless posts here....maybe others can jump in with comments...

I am under the belief that those who are naturally touchy /feely & enjoy their time together (maybe this is only a segment of the couple population to begin with) .. for such couples...unless unresolved conflicts & resentment has entered in to stifle these 2 love languages... I think the spark never really dies...

It may not be as HIGH of a flame.. during certain difficult passages in the marriage....work stress...busyness.. tension with kids, in-laws, worries over finances.. any number of things to suck our time, our focus & attention...

But when we come together.. it's natural for us to reach for each other... the human contact is something we both crave.....it's our comfort, connection.. it's emotional intimacy we revive on a daily basis....

This is how it is with H & myself.. after 30 + yrs...I can't say he's ever really changed... anytime I am near, his fingers are running through my hair, he will do this for hrs while lying together watching a movie... if a love song comes on the radio in the car, he'll reach for my hand... it's these little things.. he'd be pleased if I slept all wrapped up in him at night.. though I am too fidgety to do this..

These may not be Erotic Flames shooting ... but it's still passionate.. and with much depth - what we feel, towards each other.

Anytime a couple has lost the spark.. I automatically think they are not touching each other.. or affection has gone by the wayside..

Also something I have learned starting 2 threads on Romance is >>...Some people are just not Romantic....they have no need for that.. so what is "spark" to them....a physical release ?? Some eroticism ? Maybe that's enough to satisfy...then they roll over.... us romantics , who revel in the giving & receiving on a deeper emotional level.. it would leave us longing for more.... are you & he compatible here ?

Lets talk ROMANCE...where do you fall in these 5 examples-Has it changed over the yrs

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post #12 of 62 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 07:41 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

I think it'snot about sex after 20 years, but more about how used to are to another person. You need a partner who understands you. It's like having a best friend !
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post #13 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-01-2015, 11:48 AM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

There should still be sparks, you should want to reach over and grab your spouses hand, go out on dates, lay on the couch and sleep spooning after some mind numbing fvcking. Once that's gone I wouldn't have much of an interest to remain in a marriage with someone who may as well be my sister.

The "spark" that a couple gets the first few months of dating is just our hormones going on overload to create that bond with one another, that only remains for a short time, but that "spark" where you count the minutes until you see your spouse and hug them first thing walking in the door should never go away, or rub her feet while you watch tv, or hold hands walking somewhere. I couldn't be in a relationship without that type of intimacy and affection shown to one another.
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post #14 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-02-2015, 12:20 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

We are almost at 30 years and heading to Puerto Rico for our anniversary. We still have a romantic and sexual relationship. I am touchy feely in the sense I need physical touch and sexual intimacy to feel loved and connected to my wife.

We hold hands all the time and I am frequently walking up behind her and hug her and give her a kiss on the cheek or neck. We probably spend too much time together but that is the way it has been our entire marriage. Today is my birthday (54) and I still had flowers sent to her today. I try and send her a text or e-mail at least once a week and call at least once a day from work.

But saying all that: It is our marriage and I can't speak for others. The big question is what do you want? What do you need and what are you willing to do about it. A Marriage takes two so good luck.
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post #15 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-06-2015, 12:29 PM
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Re: Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?

yes it is normal, but it does not have to be. We fell into that trap and it made my wife miserable. I almost lost her, but luckily we worked it out. I can say that since then we have been asked numerous times if we were newly weds. Just seeing each other makes our hearts flutter. I start out each day by sending her a poem and at random times during the day we text each other encouraging words or just a quick "I love you beautiful/handsome".

Keep the spark alive, it is well worth it!
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