Am I being unreasonable? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Am I being unreasonable?

Hello,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dated for 8. He is quite a popular guy. He has many friends both male and female and I don't have a problem with that. I think he can be friends with whomever he wants.

However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.

When I tried to talk with my husband that I feel uneasy about this, he shrugged it off and said they are just friends and that I am overeacting. Not only does he continue to talk with her as much as he does, he also hides his phone. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 11:52 AM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

not unreasonable at all. He is straying into dangerous territory even though at this point he may not realize it. You need to calmly discuss this, he needs to realize something like this that bothers you is not healthy, even if it never goes beyond just friends.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 11:54 AM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Not at all unreasonable. Don't let him bully you into thinking YOU are the wrong one here. You are not.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 11:56 AM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Asking to have this thread moved to CWI will get more responses.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 12:01 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chichi0225 View Post

However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.
You are not being unreasonable...he is being unreasonable. Messages at 1,3,5 am in the morning to another woman is totally unacceptable. The volume of the communication is troubling...and I'm assuming that you don't know this woman? I would be asking him to go to marriage counseling at a minimum. In addition, hiding the phone? Not good. If they are "just friends" why is he hiding the phone?
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 12:54 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable, and he is in the midst of an emotional affair.

I'd be putting my foot down that his constant attention to this other woman is unacceptable, and that he needs to make a choice or you will make it for him by leaving him so he can spend all the time he wants with his "friend."

Read this book, and make sure your H reads it too: "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Is she married? Send the book to her husband, too, with a nice note asking him to pay attention to what his wife is doing with your H.

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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

She is an acquaintance to me. I met her twice through a mutual friend
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 05:28 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This should help you figure your way thru this. Highly recommended.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-08-2015, 05:50 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

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Originally Posted by chichi0225 View Post
Hello,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dated for 8. He is quite a popular guy. He has many friends both male and female and I don't have a problem with that. I think he can be friends with whomever he wants.

However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.

When I tried to talk with my husband that I feel uneasy about this, he shrugged it off and said they are just friends and that I am overeacting. Not only does he continue to talk with her as much as he does, he also hides his phone. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?
Yes, you are being unreasonable wondering about this, since you already know the answer. Your husband is having at the least an emotional affair and if you don't go ballistic about it, he will know he can continue this type of behavior and you will accept it.

Get a divorce or put a stop to it. Don't let him pull the just friends line of bs on you.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:09 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

I forget the relationship book where I read it but it was about what are the root causes of affairs. The point they made was that a specific affair they examined started when the husband, started to have coffee with the other woman.

Had he not let his guard down at the beginning and disrespected his vows to his wife, the progression that lead to him sleeping with the woman would have never happened.

It was easy for him to rationalize that it was just coffee and nothing romantic, yet he knew it wasn't right.

I have found it very interesting in interacting with women in business setting those that start a discussion by playing with their wedding ring and stating that they are married, so that get that up front right away. I actually take it as a complement that they must feel I don't look too bad for an old guy to make sure they drive that stake in the ground about being married.

I actually, would not put myself in a one on one situation with a member of the opposite sex for all kinds of reasons in this day and age.

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:39 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I forget the relationship book where I read it but it was about what are the root causes of affairs. The point they made was that a specific affair they examined started when the husband, started to have coffee with the other woman.

Had he not let his guard down at the beginning and disrespected his vows to his wife, the progression that lead to him sleeping with the woman would have never happened.

It was easy for him to rationalize that it was just coffee and nothing romantic, yet he knew it wasn't right.

I have found it very interesting in interacting with women in business setting those that start a discussion by playing with their wedding ring and stating that they are married, so that get that up front right away. I actually take it as a complement that they must feel I don't look too bad for an old guy to make sure they drive that stake in the ground about being married.

I actually, would not put myself in a one on one situation with a member of the opposite sex for all kinds of reasons in this day and age.
That is a very good policy.

Of course that comment about their being married also gives them plausible deniability later if "something just happens", because they told you they were married!

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:46 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I forget the relationship book where I read it but it was about what are the root causes of affairs. The point they made was that a specific affair they examined started when the husband, started to have coffee with the other woman.

Had he not let his guard down at the beginning and disrespected his vows to his wife, the progression that lead to him sleeping with the woman would have never happened.

It was easy for him to rationalize that it was just coffee and nothing romantic, yet he knew it wasn't right.

I have found it very interesting in interacting with women in business setting those that start a discussion by playing with their wedding ring and stating that they are married, so that get that up front right away. I actually take it as a complement that they must feel I don't look too bad for an old guy to make sure they drive that stake in the ground about being married.

I actually, would not put myself in a one on one situation with a member of the opposite sex for all kinds of reasons in this day and age.
There are many reasons that people get into affairs. Most are accidental, like in your coffee example. Others go out looking for affairs. Some are exit affairs, some are revenge.

But every affair, accidental or intentional, starts with a boundary being lowered. Someone allows another person to meet an emotional need.

I think most affairs are accidental, in general people are unaware of emotional needs, boundaries, etc. They have no idea what is happening really when they begin to get intoxicated with the feeling of another meeting their emotional needs. They would never think of it that way; to them, the other person just gets them, and makes them feel like they've never felt before. They just think they are falling for the other person and it means that something special is happening.

So no, OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 04:42 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chichi0225 View Post
Hello,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dated for 8. He is quite a popular guy. He has many friends both male and female and I don't have a problem with that. I think he can be friends with whomever he wants.

However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.
He's cheating on you.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-12-2016, 12:56 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

To me, the issues start when someone feels they need to hide something. Before that point, it's innocent; but people know when they're doing something wrong (otherwise it wouldn't be wrong). Intention is everything, because it defines the respect he has for you.

For example, I've had plenty of male friends through the course of my marriage. And that is okay because I have always been happy to tell my husband where I was headed and who with, and haven't said or done anything I felt a need to hide.

It's important to note that this means anything I might want to hide, because I've realized a few times that I've told someone something my husband doesn't know yet (even something as innocuous as how I feel about spanakopita or something), and there are a few possible responses to that situation. One is to keep it between you and that person, making them a new confidante. And the other is to make a point to bring it up to your spouse so it's not something you're hiding. If I honestly don't realize my husband doesn't know how I feel about spanakopita, it doesn't matter. But if I do realize, I feel a need to tell him. The details might not matter (who really cares how much I love spinach pastries?), but the fact that I share more with him than anyone else does matter.

In other words, I think the concerning thing here is that your husband is hiding his phone and not openly sharing all the details of the time he spends with this woman, or what they talk about.

It is possible that you spurred this dynamic by bothering him about spending time with her, but even if that's the case, he should have stopped to talk to you about it back then. The fact that he's hiding things means he knows you'll be upset by something he's saying or doing, and that's not how you treat someone you care about.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-19-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chichi0225 View Post
Hello,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dated for 8. He is quite a popular guy. He has many friends both male and female and I don't have a problem with that. I think he can be friends with whomever he wants.

However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.

When I tried to talk with my husband that I feel uneasy about this, he shrugged it off and said they are just friends and that I am overeacting. Not only does he continue to talk with her as much as he does, he also hides his phone. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?
I've had a similar problem with my spouse. I don't care she has male-friends, but when she is texting them dozens of times a day but barely replies to my texts then it's a problem. I need to be first in her life.

You are not being unreasonable. You need to sit him down and tell him that you need to be first in his life. If he isn't on board with that then gather as much evidence as you can and sue for divorce. You might need to go through couples therapy to prove you tried. You need to get to the root of why he wants to communicate so much with someone else. Sorry you are going through this.
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