Husband too busy to visit with my family - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Husband too busy to visit with my family

My husband and I have been married ten years and have three small kids (ages 5, 2, and 8 months). When my first child was born he started working much harder and has become a bit of a workaholic. I don't think he's trying to avoid us, I think it has more to do with the financial stress of having so many young kids. However I do think he uses it as an excuse to avoid spending time with my family. Every time I visit the or attend parties I have to go alone with the kids. All the other couples there have their spouse with them except for me. It's to the point where my mom and some of her friends think we have serious marital problems because I'm always on my own. It's getting frustrating defending him but I don't see him changing. The only time I get to socialize with other adults with him with me is when we visit his family members (he always has time for them, and they are very nice to me so I like to see them). My family isn't rude to him but they're not super friendly either, probably because they feel like he doesn't want to be around them. Do any of you have issues with seeing your families? I think sometimes my husband just needs more time to himself and it's nothing personal against me or my family, and he's super close to his family so he makes time for them. However it gets lonely for me always being on my own, and I don't like the fact that people think we have such problems. Other than this issue we get along very well, don't fight much, have great sex, both are faithful, etc. Should I just accept that our marriage can't be perfect and not make a big deal of this?

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 11:57 PM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

In as kindly and as loving a way as possible you need to address your concerns with him.

Try to find out why he has time for one set of his children's grandparents, but not the other?

Eventually the children will spot this behaviour and will wonder why.

Besides which it is ungentlemanly for him to expect you to take all of your young children by yourself.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 01:14 AM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

I agree with Matt, you need to voice your concern with him. What he is doing is not good.

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 07:58 AM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

He probably doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because, hey, you're happy. You haven't brought it up and you happily go to his parents' house. How about the next time he traipses over to Mom & Pop's you send the kids with him and you stay home? It's time he learned what a family man is and not just what a good son is.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 08:04 AM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

How often do you visit your parents? It is certainly not OK to never go along but perhaps there is a compromise of a few bigger events a year. It'd be nice if your family could make a bit of an effort to be more than "not rude".

Do you guys have an occasional event at your house from time to time with both families invited? Another way to skin the cat.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

You like hanging out with them, and your husband doesn't. It's that simple.

frequency?

every time I see this argument, it's always something like the wife wants to hang out with her family twice a month, from noon until 9 each time.

how far away are they? nothing like a 90 minute drive to hang out with the same people over and over.

a lot of people don't like sitting around and talking talking talking like some people do.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Both our families live close by and we have visits with them pretty frequently although since my third child was born my mom finds it more stressful for us to visit so she hasn't invited me over as often. He often misses even the more unusual get togethers like holidays though. I wouldn't mind him missing the more frequent casual events sometimes but he misses almost everything. Thanks for your advice though, I can see both sides actually being a little guilty. I'm glad you agree that this shouldn't be accepted because it's not good for the kids. I think I'll try to gently talk to him about it (he hates feeling controlled) and also see if my mom can make a little more effort to be inviting with him. When his family has get-togethers they plan ahead more and have everyone come together at their home. My mom usually just leaves the house trashed and doesn't make it as official or she invites us along to one of her friends' parties.

I think he feels socially uncomfortable at parties where there may be a lot of people he doesn't know, which is funny because if we do happen to go out he's so much fun and everyone loves him (maybe it's tiring for him?).

I think I may take the advice of getting together at the same time with both families since my mom doesn't like to formally entertain. I can see if maybe that'll work or maybe just invite family to my house instead.

Thanks for your advice. I can see how perhaps being more creative is a better answer than just accepting the status quo.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 01:16 PM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

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Originally Posted by MichelleR View Post
Both our families live close by and we have visits with them pretty frequently although since my third child was born my mom finds it more stressful for us to visit so she hasn't invited me over as often. He often misses even the more unusual get togethers like holidays though. I wouldn't mind him missing the more frequent casual events sometimes but he misses almost everything. Thanks for your advice though, I can see both sides actually being a little guilty. I'm glad you agree that this shouldn't be accepted because it's not good for the kids. I think I'll try to gently talk to him about it (he hates feeling controlled) and also see if my mom can make a little more effort to be inviting with him. When his family has get-togethers they plan ahead more and have everyone come together at their home. My mom usually just leaves the house trashed and doesn't make it as official or she invites us along to one of her friends' parties.

I think he feels socially uncomfortable at parties where there may be a lot of people he doesn't know, which is funny because if we do happen to go out he's so much fun and everyone loves him (maybe it's tiring for him?).

I think I may take the advice of getting together at the same time with both families since my mom doesn't like to formally entertain. I can see if maybe that'll work or maybe just invite family to my house instead.

Thanks for your advice. I can see how perhaps being more creative is a better answer than just accepting the status quo.
I think it's best that you host your family. Since, you mum is not big on having guest. And if I were your husband I would not attend one of her drag along everyone to someone else's house. I would not be comfortable doing that. Sounds like she does not make much effort for you and your family.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:01 AM
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Maybe he doesn't like them. I hardly go to my wife's family because of some things that happened and the don't bother me about it.

Why does someone thinking you have a problem in your marriage bother? Who cares what they think...

As far as your concerns, sit him down and just ask him. Maybe he has a valid reason for it..... Or he doesn't know it bothers you.
Maybe he just doesn't want to go over there... And it's just that simple. It doesn't mean that it's indicative of a larger problem.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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We talked about it last night and he said it's because he's busy and my mom doesn't really make any effort at all. I told him that I'm tired of going solo everywhere so I'm just not going to do it anymore. I said I want our social lives to be more connected. That might mean I go out less often but I'm just so tired of it I think I'm okay with taking a break for a while and maybe over time we will get more used to socializing together. Since my mom won't change I said we will just have to invite them to our house and sometimes invite both sides. He said that was fine. He also said that he won't stop visiting his family on holidays because they do a LOT to prepare for it so I said fine, we will just schedule ours around it.

I think we will be fine. Honestly I don't like to entertain but I'll do it if that's the only way to get my family and him to come together and I'll only have to do it a few times a year.

Thank you all for the advice, I just joined a few days ago and am really glad that there are people here who can objectively help me out.

I also do get pretty affected by what other people think about us and should try to focus more on how happy I am myself.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: Husband too busy to visit with my family

Quote:
@MichelleR said : "I think we will be fine. Honestly I don't like to entertain but I'll do it if that's the only way to get my family and him to come together and I'll only have to do it a few times a year."
THIS Is a good start.. it needs to start with you...COMING UP WITH THE IDEAS as it's you who is most upset about him not being with you..

This way...you bring them together - to keep the connection.. hopefully you can build a "Tradition" around this..

And who knows.. if it goes well.. you may just start to enjoy hostessing these family gatherings ...


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