wife mad - reasonable? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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wife mad - reasonable?

Hi everyone
married 10 years 2 kids. yesterday, i found out I got a job, the news that i have been waiting for for 3 months. I celebrated with my colleagues at lunch and had a few beers. I invited my wife and she thought I was a bit drunk. shortly she left to pick up kids from school. I later joined them, but the celebratory dinner we had planned was cancelled and basically we all just went to sleep and now getting bad vibes from her.

I feel she is overreacting as i simply had a few drinks to celebrate with colleagues, invited my wife to join (not excluded), and as planned was ready to go celebrate with fan from dinner. To put this in context, i rarely go out with work colleagues (far less than she), and certainly do not feel I chose them over my family on this occasion.

any thoughts?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 02:40 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy. Should tell you everything you need to know.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

Have you discussed it with her? Do you know for a fact what's bothering her or are you speculating?
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 02:46 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

How many drinks did you have, and was your wife correct that you were a bit drunk? Were you on time and sober for the family celebration?

Has your drinking ever caused any issues between the two of you prior to this?
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks! Nmmng i have read not sure it applies here ... If yiu can elaborate?

Yes i was a bit drunk 4 beers at noon arrived sober to meet family at 7pm... Kids had activities until then and i had to finish work + errands.

Yes, we have both had problems with eachothers' drinking in the past.

Im not speculating because she cancelled dinner last night and today acting distant. I have raised the issue she says she wasnt sure if i would continue drink and escalate (no history of that in past). She says since it was important for family i should have been with family celebrating... It is customory at work to celebrate like we did (certainly not over the top) and i felt that this time i wanted to be part of it as i dont attend workplace functions often at all. Oh and kids had school during this time anyhow and we had plans for dinner anyway for which i was present physically and mentally!
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

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Originally Posted by familyguyy View Post
....Yes i was a bit drunk 4 beers at noon arrived sober to meet family at 7pm... Kids had activities until then and i had to finish work + errands.

Yes, we have both had problems with eachothers' drinking in the past.
First of all, it sucks that she chose to forego the family celebration. Seeing that you have issues with alcohol abuse from your past explains a lot, but it's still not a fair thing for her to do.

Were there any terms you discussed and agreed to from previous alcohol issues? Was what happened breaking a family rule?

My wife has religious reasons for objecting to alcohol, so she asked me to not have alcohol in the house and went further after our children reached toddler age to ask me to not drink at all. I agreed to the no alcohol in the house rule but would not agree to abstinence. We have had one serious argument since then due to my coming home drunk after coworkers had a birthday party for me, one she was invited to.

You know better than anyone else, but this is definitely something you can get past. Communicate. Make sure the issue and this incident gets resolved. It sounds like one or both of you might avoid talking about problems. Set aside some time when you can talk about it, preferably away from the children and with time to really talk about it.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 03:20 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

A few drinks + driving...can mean a DUI. (even if you're not drunk) Maybe that's why she's angry.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

If you had a history of foregoing her and the family in favor of work outings, she'd have good reason to be upset. But you did invite her (although it sounds like you waited to do that?).

Certainly communicate about it, listen carefully to her objections and try to understand her side, but then stop at that. Do NOT try to take on her feelings for yourself. She's free to be upset but I don't see what you did wrong. Unless it IS about driving while drinking.

How often do you do anything away from the family? Friends? Sports? Activities?
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

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A few drinks + driving...can mean a DUI. (even if you're not drunk) Maybe that's why she's angry.
That is what I was wondering. OP, you said you were a bit drunk. At what point did you decide it was ok to drive? Since you have had drinking problems in the past, are you the best person to decide when you are sober enough to go behind the wheel? Just wondering if this is possibly part of your W's issue with everything that happened?
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks everyone!
Couple things i dont have a history of alcohol abuse... Weve gotten in an argument a few time involving alcohol but thats it other than the assumption i was driving isn't correct i take transit and leave vehicle for her

I appreciate the advice especially not challenging her feeleng as she is allowed to have them ... Thank you we will talk it over! I just wamted to check in to see if i am glaringly overlooking something obvious! Thanks!

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:51 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

I'm glad you weren't drinking and driving, OP. Hope you get this cleared up, then. Maybe she just didn't like seeing you drinking with colleagues? Idk. Maybe it's that time of the month. lol Sometimes, unexplainable moods can strike me during ''that time.''
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

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Yes, we have both had problems with eachothers' drinking in the past.
What happened TRIGGERED a past event, a time in your lives she doesn't want to see re-lived.... she is giving you the cold shoulder.. maybe she is blowing it out of proportion.. none of us were there to see your state of mind.. or know what she has dealt with in the past... we can only speculate...

Many a poster downplays their hand in a story.. or argument so it doesn't sound so bad.. this could or could not be true.. but we wonder... maybe you & her had words back & forth over this .. and it got heated ? Maybe you had a DUI in the past , maybe she did !

Maybe you & her agreed yrs ago.. nothing over 3 drinks? Just wondering ..
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I'm glad you weren't drinking and driving, OP. Hope you get this cleared up, then. Maybe she just didn't like seeing you drinking with colleagues? Idk.
Maybe it's that time of the month. lol Sometimes, unexplainable moods can strike me during ''that time.''
Now there's a thought !@$#

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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

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Now there's a thought !@$#

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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-05-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: wife mad - reasonable?

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Originally Posted by familyguyy View Post
Hi everyone
married 10 years 2 kids. yesterday, i found out I got a job, the news that i have been waiting for for 3 months. I celebrated with my colleagues at lunch and had a few beers. I invited my wife and she thought I was a bit drunk. shortly she left to pick up kids from school. I later joined them, but the celebratory dinner we had planned was cancelled and basically we all just went to sleep and now getting bad vibes from her.

I feel she is overreacting as i simply had a few drinks to celebrate with colleagues, invited my wife to join (not excluded), and as planned was ready to go celebrate with fan from dinner. To put this in context, i rarely go out with work colleagues (far less than she), and certainly do not feel I chose them over my family on this occasion.

any thoughts?
One of the important things to learn in a relationship is that what is reasonable does not really matter. What is happening here is that she disapproves, you crave her approval, so that matters to you. Then you get upset.

You feel she is overreacting. Tell her, do not expect feedback or her to come to your point of view.
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