Facebook Privacy? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Facebook Privacy?

My wife has her privacy settings on Facebook set such that I can't see her friends list and can't see comments by people who are not mutual friends. I don't believe she has cheated on me. There was a time when she seemed odd and I began to track her and spy on her computer. At one point, she wanted to separate. I did read a communication between her and an old friend from college who lives in another country. I have since tracked her for a year and never found anything. Any suspicious items turned out to not be anything. But I'm still always on guard. She knows I would look and might ask, so I can see her wanting privacy - and I don't want to appear too jealous - still, it bugs me. I've brought it up twice. The first time she responded by saying that it was facebook asking her and she followed directions. The second time when I asked her, she assured me that her settings were that way for everyone and I was not singled out. Again a non-answer. I'm going to press it, but wanted to hear what other people thought. Thanks.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 11:28 PM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

If she is hiding her friends list, then no one can see it, not just you not being able to see it. I didn't know that you could change settings to only show comments to people who are mutual friends.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 12:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

According to her, no one can see it. I believe that - but the fact is that I'm treated like everyone else. I can see her making her whole facebook private, still.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 12:21 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

I dont buy it was an accident or that she was following fb suggestion or that everybody elses is this way. Its a deliberate setting to keep you out I think.
Why is the question.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 12:42 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

Have you ever looked at her profile through her profile to see what it does look like at least to some if not to you?

The little bit of privacy that I understand that may apply here:

1. You can block one or more people each time you make an entry on your own wall.

2. You can also choose when you start an entry on your wall that it is only seen by your OWN friends (NOT friends of friends) no matter who else contributes to it.

For example, when my (future) husband was still FB friends with his just a friend ex, if he contributed on her wall, I would not be able to see that from my FB profile.

Last edited by NextTimeAround; 03-04-2016 at 12:47 AM.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 12:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

I haven't spied in a long time. It makes me crazy when I do. I tend to be on the anxious side and get paranoid easily.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 04:36 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

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I haven't spied in a long time. It makes me crazy when I do. I tend to be on the anxious side and get paranoid easily.
Don't spy. Not worth that paranoia.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 05:02 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

Not being a FB user at the time, my RSXW was a somewhat prolific user.

During the course of her covert online affairs with both of her " other men," she was able to intimately communicate in private with both of them there.

More especially when pictures of them being together were posted up, of the two of them off on trips and cruises, where she'd implore him to " not tag" her, as "Arbitrator's friends might be able to see them!"

Only after having a PI friend access the system, post-separation, was I able to find out; but by then, the damage had already well been done and was irreparable as well as irreversible!

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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 05:05 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

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Don't spy. Not worth that paranoia.
The government spies on average people. In fact, some governments encourage people to shop their neighbors.

Do you plan to campaign against the government and the neighbors who assist in spying?
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 05:56 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

If she is going out of her way to insure you do not know who she is communicating with on social media, there is a reason.
FB has had more bad effects on marriages than you can write about. And you already have caught her once.

You can put your head in the sand, but if it bothers you enough to find this forum, I'd suggest you have this out with her.

There is an old saying and that is 'TRUST YOUR GUT".

Do just that

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 06:27 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

Just get her user name and password and check everything out. If she refuses to give it to you, this is a big red flag. I for one would not put up with it - we would have a MAJOR PROBLEM.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 06:35 AM
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 07:02 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

Why is this even an issue? Ask for her credentials. There should be no secrets in marriage, for either of you.

If she protests hotly, then you have something to be concerned about.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 07:06 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

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Originally Posted by Aspydad View Post
Just get her user name and password and check everything out. If she refuses to give it to you, this is a big red flag. I for one would not put up with it - we would have a MAJOR PROBLEM.
I agree with this. There should be total transparency in a marriage, especially when it comes to online interactions. And I'm not even a paranoid dude.

She probably does have her privacy settings so that nobody can see her friends list, however that's usually reserved for "friends of friends". If none of her FB friends can see who she's friends with, that's something she knew she was doing, not a suggestion from FB.

FB WANTS people to connect. They're not in the business of suggesting their users lock down their accounts, regardless of whether it's possible or not.

If she has made her privacy settings universal, that's not necessarily indicative of her hiding something from you, specifically. Often it is the easiest way to set them - lowest common denominator, applies to everybody.

However, she CAN set individual parameters for people like you. She can go to your page, and set you as a "close friend", which means you would each be able to see everything on each others pages, including friends lists. It would also mean that every single thing each of you posts on FB would show up on each other's feeds.

FB currently employs algorithms to pick and choose what people see in their feeds, essentially taking a guess at how often you want to see posts from friends. They depend on how often you communicate with each other, how often you "like" something somebody said, etc. Making somebody a "close friend" over rides those algorithms, and shows you everything, regardless of whether you actually chat, like or generally communicate with that person.

I would suggest you ask her to make you a "close friend" on FB, thereby allowing you to see everything.

If she refuses for some reason, then you'll know she knows what she's doing on there, and not just following FB's "suggestions".

If she agrees, then I imagine you'd have nothing to worry about.

Problem solved, without having to be sneaky about it.

OR... if she ever leaves her FB open, go to your page (via her account), and where it says "friends", a drop box will open, and you can select "close friends".

In addition, you can (via your FB account) go to her page, do the same as above, but also open the box directly next to that one, and click "see first", so that her posts show in your feed at the top.

*ETA - conversely to the above, she might very well have specifically set you (and maybe some other people) as "acquaintances", which does the opposite of making one "close friends". It effectively maintains you as FB friends, but without revealing all their info (including friends lists). I suppose it's possible she's done exactly that. I doubt it, but you never know.

Again, you can check her settings should you ever have access to her account, with or without her there. Just ask her to go to your FB page while she's logged in. It'll still say "friends", regardless, but if you hover the cursor over that box, it opens the drop down box and a check mark will be next to whatever designation she's given you - close friends or acquaintances.

Last edited by alexm; 03-04-2016 at 07:36 AM.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 07:37 AM
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Re: Facebook Privacy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
If she is hiding her friends list, then no one can see it, not just you not being able to see it.
This isn't necessarily true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I didn't know that you could change settings to only show comments to people who are mutual friends.
Eh... maybe.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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