How infidelity has helped my marriage... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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Originally Posted by KJ_Simmons View Post
I dunno TX-SC, sounds like she's cheating to me. Anybody care to post the standard evidence thread? You need to get a VAR under her car seat like yesterday!
Ha! Well, she's hiding it pretty well!


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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 03:28 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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When I hear a betrayed spouse admit they were neglectful, hurtful , not meeting needs... I give them credit for their honesty... many can't even do that.. all they see is the betrayal & not their own hand.. But I feel .. at least it makes more sense HOW it happened.. but also that it probably wouldn't have happened..
I take it with a grain of salt. Not to say it's false reflection because no ones perfect.

However, a lot of these BS's are so pumped full of how awful they are by their cheating spouses as a method of blame shifting their POS actions, that many will start to believe the crap they are being told because "why else would their soul mate do this to them?"

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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I take it with a grain of salt. Not to say it's false reflection because no ones perfect.

However, a lot of these BS's are so pumped full of how awful they are by their cheating spouses as a method of blame shifting their POS actions, that many will start to believe the crap they are being told because "why else would their soul mate do this to them?"
Everything should be taken with a grain of salt, shouldn't it?

When myself & husband meet someone in real life.. 1st impressions can be deceiving.. there is no way in the world to really KNOW someone until you have shared some experiences with them.. and had some history, consistency of actions...
So of course on a forum like this.. how does one wade through the ..... I mean obviously expressing a little humility will help others see us in a more understanding light / some self awareness...but then some just KNOW HOW TO PLAY PEOPLE too.. get them where it cuts.. and abuse it.. it CAN be masked manipulation also..

I really like to hear both sides of something before I weigh in (in real life that is).... I don't trust the average person to be as hard on themselves as they are on others.. I think it's the rarer personality who does this.
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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

I like to read a posters posts on other threads. Often those posts are more informative then their posts on their one threads. I recall one poster in a reconciled marriage never mentioning his physical abuse on his thread. On another he mentions his marriage didn't improve until he went though an anger management class and stopped hitting her. On his thread it was I learned to listen and communicate better with her, well yea, not beating her sure helped too.
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 08:22 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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Here is one thing I don't understand. You see the frequent recommendation when a relationship is in trouble that the person should get themselves into shape. If getting into shape is part of the solution (whether it is to attract (or I guess re attract) your SO, make you more desirable, etc...) then why did you let yourself get out of shape in the first place? Why was your relationship not important enough before, was it not worth putting the work in I know we all get complacent, it is human nature, but it just seems like people get married with the idea that after the wedding bells go off you no longer have to try. Before you know it, you have a spouse who feels abused, ignored, etc...
Absolutely, I think this all the time. If your SO isn't even worth bringing your A game then how can you be surprised when your marriage doesn't go well?
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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 05-07-2016, 09:22 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.
and yet there are so many good healthy marriages as well.
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 11:45 PM
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Yup, I watched my neighbor with seemingly perfect life and still messed around on his wife and she was a saint.
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One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.
and yet there are so many good healthy marriages as well.
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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 12:59 AM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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No, neither of us has cheated. I read the infidelity stories here and I'm appalled at the way married people treat their spouses. And I'm not just talking about the ones that cheat. Even the BS will often say that they never treated their spouse well, but didn't deserve to be cheated on. I agree with that, but why would any person treat their spouse poorly or ignore them???

I read the stories here and I go find my wife, give her a huge hug, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Could she still cheat? Sure. But if she does she won't be able to ever say that I didn't give her my time, emotional security, or love. She KNOWS she is well loved.
Why? For so many reasons - I rejected her, I remember not wanting to be around her. It comes back more and more that fact. It wasn't just the snide remarks and the depression and weight gain and cynicism - we were raising 2 young children, she was earning all the bucks, I was Mr Mum and working part time and still I grew to resent her

Why? She drank, every night, she watched US Medical dramas and other trash TV. Sex stopped. I was bored and stuck - mortgage and children and depression (which I did not realise at the time). I had not stood up and faced reality - I wasn't able to because I was sick, my energy was gone.

Neither of us faced up to this - there were many arguments; bad arguments. Anyone else would have quit but we kept going. We were rolling along the bottom of the barrel but hanging in there - ignoring the deep problems.

She chose to have an affair - she responded to the attention, she took the bait. It made her feel good. I have always owned up to my contribution to the environment where an affair could flourish but I didn't deserve to be subjected to it.

Is anyone unclear as to the quality of many relationships out there? Surely not. In any case an affair is not justified. The fallout is terrible. We are still under the same roof and not a day passes where I do not see her and think about and wonder about what she did. And that's after more than three years.
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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 05-18-2016, 04:35 AM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

The marital or even premarital discussion of infidelity or boundaries was never a matter of discussion between me and either of my ex-wives! Aside from our verbal marital vows made to each other, there was just this "implied" universal understanding that our marriage would be chaste!

Let's just say that there will be a serious heart-to-heart discussion about that touchy subject matter along with a disclosure of their past history regarding infidelity, with any potential Mrs. A!

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