How infidelity has helped my marriage... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
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How infidelity has helped my marriage...

No, neither of us has cheated. I read the infidelity stories here and I'm appalled at the way married people treat their spouses. And I'm not just talking about the ones that cheat. Even the BS will often say that they never treated their spouse well, but didn't deserve to be cheated on. I agree with that, but why would any person treat their spouse poorly or ignore them???

I read the stories here and I go find my wife, give her a huge hug, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Could she still cheat? Sure. But if she does she won't be able to ever say that I didn't give her my time, emotional security, or love. She KNOWS she is well loved.


"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 10:22 AM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

TX,

You really hit on something.

Infidelity is such a taboo subject that very few couples ever discuss it seriously other than snide comments when they see it in another marriage or on TV or in a movie. It is like terrible diseases, we always think it will happen to the other guy.

Your wife will never be able to say that to you.

more people should do that
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 10:30 AM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

marriage is often taken too lightly. i'ts just something we do.
we're suppose to do it aren't we?
we're suppose to go to college, get a good paying job, get married, have kids, work our butts off so we can retire early.
that's what we're suppose to do............right?

wrong. we need to get away from this 'we're suppose to' mentality and enter into every major life decision with more thought than 'suppose to'.

that means elevating our marriages to something really special and precious.

kudos to you sir TX-SC for getting that.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 10:31 AM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

Make sure she comes on here too. Seriously. You know who you are.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
No, neither of us has cheated. I read the infidelity stories here and I'm appalled at the way married people treat their spouses. And I'm not just talking about the ones that cheat. Even the BS will often say that they never treated their spouse well, but didn't deserve to be cheated on. I agree with that, but why would any person treat their spouse poorly or ignore them???

I read the stories here and I go find my wife, give her a huge hug, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Could she still cheat? Sure. But if she does she won't be able to ever say that I didn't give her my time, emotional security, or love. She KNOWS she is well loved.
When I hear a betrayed spouse admit they were neglectful, hurtful , not meeting needs... I give them credit for their honesty... many can't even do that.. all they see is the betrayal & not their own hand.. But I feel .. at least it makes more sense HOW it happened.. but also that it probably wouldn't have happened..

Watering our own garden.. it's so simple.. but we let so many things get in the way..

I can't say my husband has ever faltered on how well he treats me....Me, however...I've gotten better over the years....more attentive, more affectionate in mid life.. when I realized how fast it was all going for us.. Reading here has opened up some deeper conversations.. the "what IF's".... we do talk about all of these things..

In some ways I think I needed a kick in the butt....it does help you to realize what you have at home ...to never take anything for granted..

Not long ago.. I clicked on this thread >> What's the WORST thing about infidelity? ...the emotions shared were so RAW... until we go through something like that... we just don't know the power we have to hurt someone to their core...



One wrong choice..and trust is shattered, things may be able to be put back together.. but the scars remain..
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

@TX-SC Well said, completely agreed. I have mentioned elsewhere, there have been several times where I try to project some of the issues I have read about here into my marriage (even though they are practically unrelated). Once that happens, I know it is time to take a breather from TAM.
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

I'm constantly astonished by how many people like to throw the term "vows" around but are really talking about the vow to stay married.

The vows to love, honor, and cherish are conveniently forgotten.

How can they leave me? ???? Don't our vows mean anything? ???? Sure, but did you honor the vow to treat your spouse well?

What also gets me are the betrayed hb's, or hb's of wives that just want to leave (though all of those wives are assumed to be cheating here on TAM because women don't leave for any other reason) that admit they were crappy hb's but are told they really aren't that bad and their wife must be rewriting.

Strangely enough I've never seen a guy who complained about not enough sex accused of rewriting, but I digress.

Maybe they were that bad, and nobody does them a favor by telling them they weren't. They'll continue the behavior going forward if it isn't addressed
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

@SimplyAmorous I agree. I found this post by a wpmen that sums it perfectly.


Why improve yourself *

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

He owned his behavior.*

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *


As to how my exWW adultery help my marriage? Current GF certainly thinks it did too. I wound also state I my ex's debt. It was a bad loan on my part and I have learned to live not in fear but aware. I am very alert but not paranoid.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:32 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.
I disagree. To me, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

And it's not even close.

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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

@lifeistooshort agreed. Feel free to let me know if there is a thread you feel is out of balance. Not enough sex is used a lot, but it does not make it so. Also the guy needs to look at himself first. There really are two people in relationship after all.
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

Here is one thing I don't understand. You see the frequent recommendation when a relationship is in trouble that the person should get themselves into shape. If getting into shape is part of the solution (whether it is to attract (or I guess re attract) your SO, make you more desirable, etc...) then why did you let yourself get out of shape in the first place? Why was your relationship not important enough before, was it not worth putting the work in I know we all get complacent, it is human nature, but it just seems like people get married with the idea that after the wedding bells go off you no longer have to try. Before you know it, you have a spouse who feels abused, ignored, etc...
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

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I disagree. To me, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

And it's not even close.
Who says you need marriage to fall in love?

Never in a million years would I ever have thought I would have written that, but that's what a bad marriage does to you.

You see that the ways you were taught to believe aren't necessarily true anymore. People don't behave or think the way they once did. Putting your all into a marriage does make sense anymore.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

I dunno TX-SC, sounds like she's cheating to me. Anybody care to post the standard evidence thread? You need to get a VAR under her car seat like yesterday!
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 03:16 PM
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Re: How infidelity has helped my marriage...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'm constantly astonished by how many people like to throw the term "vows" around but are really talking about the vow to stay married.

The vows to love, honor, and cherish are conveniently forgotten.

How can they leave me? ???? Don't our vows mean anything? ???? Sure, but did you honor the vow to treat your spouse well?

What also gets me are the betrayed hb's, or hb's of wives that just want to leave (though all of those wives are assumed to be cheating here on TAM because women don't leave for any other reason) that admit they were crappy hb's but are told they really aren't that bad and their wife must be rewriting.

Strangely enough I've never seen a guy who complained about not enough sex accused of rewriting, but I digress.

Maybe they were that bad, and nobody does them a favor by telling them they weren't. They'll continue the behavior going forward if it isn't addressed
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There's a giant difference between a walk away spouse that says that they tried to fix things and their partner didn't get it, and someone who is being constantly turned down for sex and says that they're not being told why.

To the former I would say "did you ever write down a short concise list of why you're thinking about leaving your spouse if it doesn't change?"

To the latter, I would say "what's changed since when you were having good sex?"
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