My wife needs to make friends, but HOW! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

I have been married to my wife now for 4 years and since this time she has had 1 friend. This friend of her's is not a super close friend, but a friend she talks with on occasions. Before me, they did hang out and did do things together, but not often.
Since we have been married she has only hung out with her friend maybe twice in 4 years, without me. Other times we would be all together, but only at occasional dinners with other people.
She always tells me I should hang out with my friends, but if I do she gets upset with me hanging out with them, meaning she is not with me and when she is, she ready to leave after 30 minutes.
I've said to her she should hang out with her friend because she should have girl time, but she doesn't.
The other day she complained about not having friends and said we should join a church to meet people. Problem is she speaks a foreign language, besides being able to speak good understandable English, but she wants to go to a foreign language church. I don't speak or understand her language, but she wont go unless I go. I told her I don't understand what is being said and if you are looking for friends that speak your language, you should meet with them, since their first language is the same as yours. I said we can go to a English church, but she doesn't want to.
She wants to do church activities, but we have gone and done things before with groups that speak her language. But for me, I was watching the clock because I was not enjoying the activity since I had no idea what was going on, even with her translating to me.
I said to my wife, you need to find "girl" friends with common interests, since she doesn't share my friends wives/girlfriends common interests and finds them boring.

For this reason we argue when I want to see my friends. She says things like, well I have no one to see so I will just stay home alone. Then when I get home, shes upset and gives me one word answers and what did you do, go to a bar, meet girls? I've told her many times what I do, I've called her, shes called me and I've answered, and she has gone with me a few times, but I still get the same response. Besides, I don't like hanging out in bars and I haven't done so since I was younger and I love my wife. I hang out with my friends at their house or get something to eat form a sandwich like shop.

So, My wife NEEDS to make friends, but HOW!

I'm lost on what to do????


Last edited by jjand; 04-04-2016 at 06:28 PM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 06:30 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

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She wants to do church activities, but we have gone and done things before with groups that speak her language. But for me, I was watching the clock because I was not enjoying the activity since I had no idea what was going on, even with her translating to me.
I said to my wife, you need to find "girl" friends with common interests, since she doesn't share my friends wives/girlfriends common interests and finds them boring.

I'm lost on what to do????
Your wife told you what to do. She is in a foreign country and has no friends. Even under best of conditions it is hard to make new friends as adults. So go to HER church, suck it up, and give her enough time to make friends. Stop watching the clock. Be happy she is happy. You can do that for a few hours a week for her to make friends.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

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Your wife told you what to do. She is in a foreign country and has no friends. Even under best of conditions it is hard to make new friends as adults. So go to HER church, suck it up, and give her enough time to make friends. Stop watching the clock. Be happy she is happy. You can do that for a few hours a week for her to make friends.

I should have added she has been here in the US for more then 10 years and learned to speak proper English before meeting me.
I have done all activities, functions, meet ups, etc. many times for her over the pass 4 years. I have participated in all activities with her and I never said NO I don't want to do any of these activities. But as of recently, I have been watching the clock and been saying no, because it is the same routine with her. We will go one or two times and says she doesn't like it, or the people are not nice, etc.
I feel like when I'm with her, she feels she needs to make sure I'm doing good, which possibly puts to much pressure on her and she can't relax.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 07:38 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

How does your wife act around these people? Is she capable of making friends? Be honest.

She must of course understand you do not make friends like she wants with just 1 or 2 meetings.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 09:36 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

One way for anyone to make friends is ..... find something that you LOVE to do, then do it. Other people who do it will connect with you. One way to take baby steps with this is thru the local college classes.....cooking, or sports, or fitness, or art, or writing....whatever. You will find people there who have the same interests as you.

Another way is meetup.com..... you choose the type of outtings to join. Hiking, bowling, dancing, sports, movies, etc..... again, you automatically meet people who enjoy doing what you are doing. Instant connections.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 02:10 AM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

Check for groups of people who speak her language.

Learn her language so you can participate more fully in her church activities.

And both learn a foreign language together. Welsh is a good language to learn. There are online free courses.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 07:51 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

Agreed. He should go to the foreign church and she will find people with common interests.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 10:28 PM
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How about introducing your wife to your friends' wives? Or going out on double dates?
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 03:35 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

I don't think this has anything to do with your wife having friends. I think she's trying to control you, and maybe also wants more of you to herself. Not everyone NEEDS friends - I don't really have any. I prefer my husbands company. Thankfully he also prefers mine and we spend a LOT of our recreation time hanging out. Neither of us has friends that we do things with. But if my husband spent a lot of time away from me, I would probably act like your wife does.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-06-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

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So, My wife NEEDS to make friends, but HOW!

I'm lost on what to do????

First of all church activities in the US are NOT the same as foreign church activities that she likely grew up with. In different cultures, religion takes on a much different role as it does in the US, particularly when 90%+ of the foreign culture is of ONE religion. In the US churches are competitive with other religions and therefore they are selfish with the congregation as in they do not want their congregation out helping people from other congregations and risking the possibility that a member might join a different church. So she will be disappointed that churches in the US are all about serving unto themselves to raise memberships, increase donations, and make themselves look bigger and better than the church across the road. If she goes to a foreign church, it will only to be a cluster of people frustrated with churches in the US from that same foreign culture, but their population is small and they have to function to defend themselves and their culture.

It is weird, but your instinct about church is correct. Just go to church because you want to go to church!

If you and your wife want to meet people in a plutonic way, join some hobby groups. Take some cooking classes, join the YMCA, or take tennis lessons. If all else fails, go knock on your neighbor's door and invite them out to grill hot dogs or something.

Cheers,
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 01:29 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

I would get one of those home study language courses, learn her language, and go with her to the foreign language church. Make it a learning experience. There she might find local ethnic clubs to find other women to be friends with. You can always bail at a later time if you hate it
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 07:10 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

Perhaps you could re-post this in the general forum. You would get more responses. This forum is for those who have been married a long time. I know that 4 years can seem like a life-time.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 07:14 PM
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Re: My wife needs to make friends, but HOW!

Are you asking your wife out on dates? Do you plan anything for the two of you to do together?
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