Growing Apart - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 04:23 PM Thread Starter
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Growing Apart

Hi all. Long time lurker, first time poster. As the title says, I feel like my husband and I are growing apart. I am 30, he is 42. The age difference has never been a problem as I relate more to older people and always have. We've been married 4 years, together 6 total. I love him very much and he's a wonderful person, however the older I get, the more I feel like we are growing in separate directions. We have close to zero similar interests (except our mutual obsessive love for our 3 dogs). I like exercising, poker, shopping, going to the beach, biking, kayaking, dining out, etc. He likes driving around, gardening, building things, and fishing.

I work in an office (corporate finance). He works with his hands in our garage. After work during the week, we pretty much do our own thing and are never in the same room together. On the weekends, we used to do things together, but lately we've been just doing our own thing.

I want to make my marriage work, but he is starting to feel more like a roommate than a husband due to the fact that we never do anything together. For a while, I was trying to get him to do things with me, but he would always do it only out of a sense of obligation (and didn't hide it) and would usually have an attitude and end up ruining our time due to the fact that he'd rather not be doing whatever it is we were doing. I also tried to start doing his things with him, but after only spending time together doing his hobbies and interests, I got a little bitter and felt like it wasn't fair. So I stopped doing his hobbies with him and I stopped begging him to do mine.

We used to have a decent sex life, but it has been suffering lately because I feel no connection due to not really having any "couple time." He would have sex every day if he could and I'm sure he's not happy about the drought (it's like 1x per month these days), but I need some effort and quality time together in order for us to improve in the sex department.

Can anyone make any suggestions on how we can rebuild our relationship? I 100% want to stay married to him and make this work, but I'm getting lonely.

Last edited by Some chick; 06-06-2016 at 04:27 PM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 04:28 PM
Join Date: May 2012
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Re: Growing Apart

you both need to compromise and try to engage in each others activities.

pick somethings that are of the most interest that he likes and make plans to do them together.

he needs to do the same for you.

be people of broad interests. my wife sometimes say she doesn't care what we're doing or where we are as long as were together.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 04:37 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

I've been married for 33 years and my H and I have very different interests . What we wound up doing is trying to find new interests that both of us could enjoy. He skis, fishes, hikes, and bikes; I walk, read, paint, and volunteer. To try to find an intersection was hard, but we now have several things that we make an effort to do together, e.g., we go to baseball games, get tickets to symphony/jazz performances, and take weekend getaways.

So, my suggestion is that you stop trying to do one another's hobbies & instead find something new for the two of you.

Also, sex 1x/month will be a decided marriage killer. I suspect that this really hurts your H that this has developed this way.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
So, my suggestion is that you stop trying to do one another's hobbies & instead find something new for the two of you.
EXACTLY what I was going to suggest.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 04:45 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

[QUOTE=Some chick;15850425

I 100% want to stay married to him and make this work, but I'm getting lonely.[/QUOTE]


You want your marriage to work.

Now all you have to do is getting his wants to parallel yours.

Every one is going to tell you to sit down and talk to him and lay it all out. Tell him the marriage is slipping away......I agree, start with that. Communication is key in any marriage. I am sure that you have broached the subject with it again. Do not get agitated. Tell him calmly that you love him dearly and miss his touch and caring words and works.

Ask him to go the Marital Counseling.

Set up a fun filled vacation, one that both of you would enjoy. A little deep sea fishing for him and walks and treks in the wild for you.

Does he ride a bicycle? He does not sound like a fitness fan. As you know, bicycling is an easy and fun activity. Bring a picnic lunch and drinks and do one of those old rail-line bike tours.

Park your bikes down a long trail, off into the fauna, lay out the lunch on a blanket. Finish the break with a love-making the sun or in the shade. Just like a young couple in love. Hint at him that this may be in the plan.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 05:01 PM
Join Date: Jun 2011
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Re: Growing Apart

Start a "Date Night"?

Remind yourself why you married him.

Have sex with him. I hate to say it...but fake it til you make it. That doesn't mean fake the O.... just do it because it's good for the marriage. Withholding just grows resentment. So, why not set aside YOUR resentment, and get close to him. I think, the sex makes him happier which in turn makes him WANT to make you happier.

I know, it's not up to someone else to make us happy. But more like, you make him smile and he will want to make you smile.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 09:37 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

Do you have any shared goals and dreams, or plans for your future together?

You two did something together while you were dating, something that drew you together, something you did on dates. Do you two have those kinds of dates anymore? Maybe it would help to start doing that again to help you reconnect.

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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 09:43 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

Ask him if he still loves you the way he once did. When he fumbles it, ask him what happened.

It's nat about interests,'s about each other. Remember when you were in love that no matter what you did or said it was a thrill as long as it was with him?? It's b/c it was him and the relationship. part of that was real, part of it was your fantasy.

You have to start with a frank talk about the relationship and see where it goes. If you just talk about activities and the like, you won't get to it.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 10:02 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

The first thing is to read His Needs Her Needs. It's the primer on how to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. Do that today. My H didn't read, so I would often take the book when we drove somewhere and I'd read pieces of it to him outloud; he learned a lot that way.

The second thing is to set up date nights. This is a MUST. And when you DO go out, go to NEW places, so you'll have NEW stuff to talk about.

The third thing is to use the questionnaires you'll be guided to in the HNHN book (or you can search "Emotional Needs Questionnaire" and "Love Busters Questionnaire." But please don't do this until you've read the book. These questionnaires will help you learn more about each other. For a happy marriage, you simply must understand each other, what your love languages are, how to show love to each other.

The fourth thing - after you've done the above - is to set up a monthly 'state of the marriage' meeting, for maybe 15 minutes, where you both vow to discuss issues without getting emotional about them, or defensive, but rather to learn how to make each other happy.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-07-2016, 02:33 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

These are some great suggestions! First thing I would do is sit down and have a conversation about how you're feeling. I guarantee he's feeling the same way. Men feel connected to us through sex.

It's a good sign that you recognize you're growing apart and wanting to do something about it before it's too late. I love the idea of a date night. It gives you a chance to reconnect as a couple, try new places and things, and have new things to talk about. It's also a chance to have some fun and enjoy each other's company. While it's important to do some of the things you each enjoy, try finding a thing or two that you both like to do. You will feel connected to your husband and want to be intimate, and he will love the fact that you are intimate more often!

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 05:26 PM
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Re: Growing Apart

Hi, what I see from what you've shared is there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship with one another. Intimate relationship is not born overnight. It takes time and patience to develop. Most people are not taught how to nourish an intimate relationship at home early on in life.
Intimacy has nothing to do with sex although a couple with an intimate relationship will more often have great sex together.
Intimacy is being vulnerable and allowing your spouse into that vulnerability. Again, this takes time and patience to develop. Each one has to go through the pains of letting your spouse see who you really are, both good and bad. Each one has to break through their own fears.
Yes, vulnerability opens you up to pain, but, the risk of it binding you closer together is much more than the pain experienced.
Its in vulnerability that gives your spouse a better understanding of who you are and what your dreams, plans, struggles, fears, joy and happiness are.
Knowing this minimizes or completely erases any misconception or any expectation we couples have on one another. One moves from a place of expectancy on getting or receiving from your spouse to one of a place of giving. What can I give to my spouse to make her or his life better?
For you, before anything can really start to happen, this problem must be communicated. Lines of communication are most often open in an intimate relationship.
There are so many things you can think of doing together, but, it won't last unless this intimacy issue is faced.
Hope this helps.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-19-2016, 04:19 AM
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Re: Growing Apart

Find a new activity as a couple.
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