How do we get the love back? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
(my parents are wealthy).
Whoa, hey, how you doin



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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Whoa, hey, how you doin





Wooa down boy
Lol


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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 09:10 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Whoa, hey, how you doin

lol
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 11:15 PM
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Originally Posted by wellseasoned View Post
Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.

When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace!
If people can't stay together through issues because they aren't married, they really are better off. Seems like most marital issues stem from people marrying someone they are incompatible with and then spending the rest of the marriage trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Your post comes off as if breakups are always a bad thing. Nothing wrong with people living together, realizing it's not working out, and going their own ways after.

My husband and I moved in together after a year and a half. Lived together for 2 before getting married. I'm really glad we did that. We took our time and got to know each other fully, warts and all. And when times got tough, we both put the efforts to make it work, without a piece of paper binding us. When we got married, I knew exactly what I was getting into and same for him. We love and accept each other. I could never imagine marrying someone without living with them first.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 04:51 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

I also think there is a positive to not moving in together until marriage. It helps to add excitement to the marriage. I've never lived with a woman until my wife and I got married.

In your case, I think you should focus on your partner's positive aspects, the ones that attracted you to her to begin with. It simply may be that you two are no longer compatible and should move on. Just be warned, it may happen again with your next partner too. You have to really work on admiring your partner's best qualities to grow your relationship. After a year or two, the passion can die.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 08:07 AM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

This TED talk by Esther Perel speaks to OP's issue.

"In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence."

https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 07:01 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

Looks like the OP has left the building.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:03 AM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

I'm still trying to figure out if this is 2 women, hence the username?

Whatever the case ..it is sounding like you & she may just not be compatible enough to make it work... happens all the time.. relationship experts say if a couple can get past the 1st 18 months still feeling "in love", best friends, the thrill and comfort.. they have beat the odds.. everything before this time is like a whirlwind phase.. we seem to overlook things that will drive us crazy later on...or minimize wanting it all to work out...

Also the way you handle conflict can make or break a couple...I will offer some links on compatibility.. and conflict...

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Quote:
1. DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?

It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.

This is a fundamental issue and possibly the most important question here. It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter basic for stability and longevity.


2. HAS YOUR COURTSHIP BEEN SMOOTH OR TURBULENT?

Frequent or caustic premarital fights predict turmoil after marriage.

Did you get along well during your time of dating, or did you have many fights and disagreements? A “no” answer to the previous question (Quest. 1) indicates a lack of acceptance of each other’s basic behavioral traits. Your lack of acceptance will show itself in frequent fights and conflict and, thus, as a high level of turbulence in your courtship.

3. DO YOU LIKE THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE WITH YOUR INTENDED?

The way you feel about yourself when in your mate’s company frequently reflects your partner’s underlying, often unstated sentiments.

This is really a variant of the previous questions and has to do with feelings of personal acceptance stemming from the relationship, but at deeper levels.

4. DO you HAVE COMPATIBLE INTERESTS, ATTITUDES, VALUES AND GOALS?

It is important to be in harmony about the things you like to do, the beliefs you hold important, the way you view the world, and your life’s objectives.

These issues are so fundamentally important I could have listed them first. These are also the areas most frequently focused on by dating services. Without a reasonable match in these four areas, we diminish our chances for a long and successful relationship.

5. WHAT SPOUSAL ROLES DO you EXPECT AFTER MARRIAGE?

You need to agree about whether your marriage will be traditional or modern.

In marriage, we play many parts, i.e., partner, parent, companion, provider, homemaker, lover, helpmate, playmate, friend, confidant, and so forth all of which we can be subsume under the heading “spousal roles.” We usually come to a relationship with a certain set of expectations and desires regarding these roles

6. IS your INTENDED SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE AND SATISFYING TO you?

Sexual and affectional compatibility are vital parts of a lasting and satisfying marriage.

For almost everyone, sexual gratification is one of the prime features of marriage. It is important that your needs be met in this area.

7. DO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE COMPANY OF YOUR INTENDED’S FAMILY AND FRIENDS?

Be aware that marriage frequently comes with a large cast of loveable, and sometimes not-so-loveable, characters
It is true that you will be marrying your mate and not your mate’s family. Nevertheless, if your intended loves his or her family and plans to spend much time with them, you best like them too, or at least be able to tolerate them.

8. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE SATISFACTION OF EACH OTHER’S NEEDS?

Love includes a passionate desire to gratify your loved-one’s needs and desires.

Many people marry with the idea that marriage will satisfy all their requirements. Others believe it is their spouses’ duty to take care of them. In addition, some people are unhappy being single and believe only marriage will make them happy. Imagine the burden all three of these views place on their partners.

9. IS THERE THE FEELING OF SOLID AND ENDURING FRIENDSHIP?

People in satisfying marriages often describe their spouses as their best friend.

Some people have trouble accepting the notion that a person of the opposite sex could be their best friend. Thus, they overlook the possibility of friendship in marriage. However, a good friendship, with its trust, support, and loyalty, is the bedrock of a solid marriage.

10. ARE YOUR PERSONAL AND HOUSEHOLD HYGENIC STANDARDS COMPATIBLE?

Incompatibility in the need for orderliness and cleanliness can seriously undermine an otherwise gratifying partnership.

This is a more important area then many people realize.

11. ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY, AS FAR AS IS REASONABLE, FOR MAKING THE RELATIONSHIP WORK?

People who recognize that their actions influence their spouses’ behavior are best able to work out marital difficulties.

Choosing the right person is, sadly, not sufficient to produce a happy marriage. You must also be the right person both for your mate as well as for marriage in general.
The CONFLICT thread...4 types...the 5 to 1 ratio in Marriage Conflicts...

It sounds you are falling into a hostile conflict style..

Quote:
4. Hostile Couples...

Hostile couples argue often and hotly, and their arguments are caustic and harmful. Insults, putdowns, and sarcasms prevail when they argue. These couples fail to maintain the 5 to 1 ratio of positivity to negativity in their conflicts, and there is clearly more negative than positive in the relationships.

Hostile couples’ discussions are characterized by too much criticisms, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal. Their communication is unhealthy, they don’t listen to what each other is saying, and conflicts are dangerous to their relationships.

Some hostile couples try to actively address their disagreements, but this is usually ineffective. Others remain more detached, uninvolved, and critical of each other, with brief spurts of attack and defensiveness. These couples are meaner to each other than the other three types of couples..
Healthy communication and caring to please each other , if you have enough compatibility to make it work.. can heal so much.. . this is a very good article on Healthy communication..

PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE ? Imagine Hope Counseling Group
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 01:36 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

Instead of looking at a relationship that fails when a couple moves in together before the wedding, we should view it as the success that it truly is.

How much better is it to discover incompatibility before rings, mortgages, children, and burial plots are in the picture? Your issues that I think should probably end your relationship are an unqualified success in necessary information gathering.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:33 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Is your user name indicative of the type of relationship you are in?
Thanks for asking that key question IMO. Took until post 13 for someone to ask what popped into my head in 1 second of seeing the thread.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by wellseasoned View Post
Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.

When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace!
Moving in together without being married is usually a mistake, but unfortunately is the only way to have a relationship without giving the woman an advantage.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:26 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Moving in together without being married is usually a mistake, but unfortunately is the only way to have a relationship without giving the woman an advantage.

Giving the woman an advantage. What do you mean?
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by citygirl4344 View Post
Giving the woman an advantage. What do you mean?
If you wait till you're married to move in together and find out later that you're incompatible or that your new wife wants to split up, usually the divorce settlement will favor the woman. To protect himself, a man should stay out of a marriage situation so if the new wife wants out, she doesn't take his money with her.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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