How do we get the love back? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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How do we get the love back?

My fiance and I have been together almost three years and started off madly in love, moved in within three months and engaged in six months... We have so many pros to being together, deep down. There have been various issues within our relationship that have nearly torn us apart, not issues to be taken lightly. At this point, we threaten our relationship on a weekly basis, telling the other to leave etc, our small arguments escalate very fast and get to a point that they never should. No more. I'm done with it.
We have concluded that the poor treatment of eachother and the words we choose to say has led to a loss of love. We unconditionally love one another but there is no sign of being in love. Sex is nearly nonexistent and she refuses to even try.

My question is: What works to get the love back? How do we get back to a place where we want and desire eachother in every way? We need to reconnect again.

We have considered counselling as a couple but so far, we have only gone to our own separate sessions. (which made a difference for me). There are so many complexities that I could add but these are the basics. Help!
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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.

When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace!
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 01:36 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.

When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace!
I can't disagree more. You get married, move in and then are incompatible, what then? You moved in way too early, that;s the problem. You let the infatuation drive the relationship.

All you can do is work on yourself and hope she works on herself. Is she committed to the relationship? Is she 100% in? If she isn't, then you really need to cut and run. Don't waste your time, effort, youth and even money if your SO isn't 100% committed to you.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

Maybe your relationship has run its course and you are no longer compatible. I think I have seen mentioned that typically you get the "hormonal high" effect for the first 12-18 months. You are past that stage, so maybe what is left isn't enough for either of you?

However, honestly, your post is way too vague. I would imagine you may need to provide more details to get better feedback (what are the issues not to be taken lightly, what is causing these weekly relationship threats, why won't she have sex, etc...)
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 01:54 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by wellseasoned View Post
Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.

When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace!
Excellent advice! My fiance and I broke up recently as he wanted to move in, and I didn't. And he wasn't budging, and neither was I. Oh well...lol I think that people become too comfortable when they move in, before getting married.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 01:58 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Originally Posted by TwoChicks View Post
No more. I'm done with it.
What does that mean?

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Originally Posted by TwoChicks View Post
Sex is nearly nonexistent and she refuses to even try.
So many long term red flags. Does she give you a reason?



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

First I hate to be cynical but make sure she isn't cheating. I have read enough stories on here.

Are sure you understand the difference between long term love and the initial butterfly love/lust that you get in what they call the honeymoon period? The first is exciting and intense, the second I like to describe as a warm fire when it raining out. Or having school called off when there is snow outside and sleeping in. That to me is what love should feel like.

Do you try to romance her? For instance I leave posted notes around the house in her purse and stuff telling her how great she is, how lucky I am, and most importantly how hot she is. Do that or your version of that and you may be able to break her hurt down, this will bring you back to the open place where you can heal. Partially it takes you humbly asking her to give you a chance. If you can get to that point then it is probably time to talk about what the issues were and deal with your role in that. You need to sincerely apologize, you need to show her you understand why she was hurt. Don't just apologizes during that talk, but apologizes out of the blue when her guard is down, "hey, I want you to know, I know what I did, I see how that hurt you and I am working to never let that happen again." Then move hell on earth so that you never do that again.

Most likely your sex life will not improve until you do this. Most woman need to at least feel emotionally safe/connected to have continuous sex with someone. They may go through the motions but usually that is only for a short time. For us it is much easier to separate, for most woman that is not true. For us to have sex our physical parts need to work, if not no sex. For woman to at least want to have sex there emotional parts to work. To be crude, she needs an emotional hard on.

Do not marry until you can learn how have health arguments. Arguing is for solving problems, it's intense negotiation. If you are not doing that you are not doing it right. You always here people say marriage is hard, but it should be hard because you should always be working to be a good partner. Do you have any hobbies? How much time do you spend on them? You need to treat your marriage like that. That means learning about women, her, communication, sex stuff like that. Your focus on your marriage should be at least as much as your hobbies. Actually more so.

Finally after all if you are willing to put in that kind of effort the last thing I would say is don't be a pushover. Demand the same about of work from her. Don't be passive in your life. Don't be one of these guys on here who are willing to be treated badly because they don't want to be alone. People need to be partners with people they respect, if you don't respect yourself they will never respect you.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 02:54 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

If you're not married the issues you explain would lead me to believe this relationship is over and you should quietly break off the engagement. Your fiance has clearly already checked out of the relationship.

If you had a 10 year marriage and kids it may be worth fighting for, but "trying to get the love back" before you even walk down the aisle? Man just break up, seriously...
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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Excellent advice! My fiance and I broke up recently as he wanted to move in, and I didn't. And he wasn't budging, and neither was I. Oh well...lol I think that people become too comfortable when they move in, before getting married.
My wife and I actually moved in together at the request of my father in law (one year before we were married, we were engaged though), that is another story. Together 13 years. I think the word you are looking for is complacent. I think if you are going to get complacent it's going to happen either way. It doesn't matter if it is before or after the ceremony. Having a ring on your finger doesn't make you any less prone to laziness in your relationship. In some ways it is better to figure that out before you have the ring because it cost a hell of a lot less money.

I will temper this by saying you do need a plan and to be sure you are both on the same page as far as the long term goal. If only one person wants marriage and the other doesn't then moving in together actually works in the favor of the person who is avoiding it. So if you are waiting for them to put a ring on it, you shouldn't move in together.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 04:19 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

I think everyone is different. What works for one couple doesn't work for for another.
Living together before marriage is a personal couple choice.
I do think however you guys moved way too fast. Just like in a marriage with the "honeymoon " period you would have the same type of period living together.
You need to figure out if you want to use this as a stepping stone to a strong healthy marriage by working out these issues first..before you are married.
IMO you need to delay whatever plans you have for the wedding and go back to dating. Just being a couple.
Move into separate places and start again...if you want to salvage the relationship that is. Go to couples therapy. Start communicating.
Do not get married when you have these issues because you both will be miserable.
Good luck



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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 08:08 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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My wife and I actually moved in together at the request of my father in law (one year before we were married, we were engaged though), that is another story. Together 13 years. I think the word you are looking for is complacent. I think if you are going to get complacent it's going to happen either way. It doesn't matter if it is before or after the ceremony. Having a ring on your finger doesn't make you any less prone to laziness in your relationship. In some ways it is better to figure that out before you have the ring because it cost a hell of a lot less money.

I will temper this by saying you do need a plan and to be sure you are both on the same page as far as the long term goal. If only one person wants marriage and the other doesn't then moving in together actually works in the favor of the person who is avoiding it. So if you are waiting for them to put a ring on it, you shouldn't move in together.
This is all very true. I would say IMO, it's just something that I never wanted to do...live with a guy without being married. To each their own, but if you're already bored and complacent in the engagement/living together phase, marriage won't magically change it.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 11:17 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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This is all very true. I would say IMO, it's just something that I never wanted to do...live with a guy without being married. To each their own, but if you're already bored and complacent in the engagement/living together phase, marriage won't magically change it.
So he broke up with you because you wouldn't move in with him before marriage? That can't be the only thing. there must have been other issues.

I the move in thing because of your Christian beliefs that you wrote about in the pastor thread?
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-20-2016, 11:51 PM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

Is your user name indicative of the type of relationship you are in?

You might want to study the words you choose when you fight and figure out why you choose those words. If they cut deeply enough, there may be no getting the love back.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 06:15 AM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

If you already have these kind of problems I would look for somebody else. Its crazy that a couple only together three years have fallen out of love.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: How do we get the love back?

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So he broke up with you because you wouldn't move in with him before marriage? That can't be the only thing. there must have been other issues.

I the move in thing because of your Christian beliefs that you wrote about in the pastor thread?
This is sort of a long story, but he and I dated a few years ago, broke up because he moved overseas for a job. I wasn’t going to follow someone across the world without any engagement, etc. So, we broke up. He came back last year, we hung out, soon after he asked me to marry him. We got very caught up in the moment, but one thing we discussed was moving in, and how he and I both wanted to wait to get a house until we were married. The wedding was set for October. I think when he kept pushing the issue, it scared me enough to pause all the plans, because it was at that moment that I realized what was happening. Got very caught up in planning a lavish wedding (my parents are wealthy) and forgot about what I was actually doing. I broke off the engagement, my ex fiancé wanted to still ‘see’ each other, but…Idk.

I’m seeing someone new now, someone I’ve been friends with for a while. I’m sure this sounds like a rebound, but we are just enjoying spending time together for now. And I’m happy, so…

I should never have become engaged in the first place.
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