Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Most of my hobbies are done alone. Like 90% of them.
My husband is fine with that.
So, although I am personally very independent; I don't do things without considering the effect on our marriage, or my husband's feelings.
The 15 hour a week thing ( the amount of time you're supposed to spend together doing "us" stuff?)
We might get 6 tops. Going to the grocery store is one. We have a lot of fun doing that; I know it sounds stupid. But even then, we'll wander around separately a bit too.
We like to watch vintage TV and classic movies together. Not much talking during the show; but we usually share our opinions about it afterwards.
But I don't think we're "independent" of one another. Even though it might sound like it from my description.
I was wondering what Harley would consider that "one on one" Undivided attention he speaks of -to qualify for these 15 hrs he speaks of...so I looked it up...
Right now.. my husband & me is side by side on our laptops.. he is sitting on the bed.. I am on the floor...3 ft from each other.. we're not focused on each other.. we may have words here & there.. but he's enjoying some personal laptop time & I am on here doing a post.. (this would not be qualifying)... I know how to shake that up though.... just flash him my boobs!...then suddenly he'd be right over....ha ha
Harley's write up on this >>
The Policy of Unidivided Attention Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of 15 hours each week, using the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship
He speaks of 3 things to qualify.. Privacy, Objectives and Amount... Privacy
= not with kids, friends.. but with each other...that alone time...he says this:
"When children are present, they interfere with affection and intimate conversation, two very vital needs in marriage. Besides, affection and intimate conversation usually lead to lovemaking, and without them, you will find that your lovemaking suffers." (yep was true for us.. we used to let them all crash on our bedroom floor over night... we had an open door policy... STUPID !@#
He spoke of what giving undivided attention means, it's like when a couple is dating...how you wouldn't have married if you'd ignored each other on dates.... Like finding that awesome place to park where you'd be completely alone.. not even the cops will come upon you...to rid yourselves of all distractions. That's the quality of undivided attention -he is speaking of...
He went on to say -watching a movie together doesn't generally count towards this time, but mentioned a couple where it would have !! He didn't go into detail ...but I'm thinking -they displayed much physical affection - hint hint, going down in the movie theater -there ya go...very qualifying , personal & pleasurable...
We lock the kids out & watch movies together... we very much enjoy the "hands on"...can't do all that with our "family night" movies.....
After marriage, women often try to get their husband to meet their emotional needs for conversation
, without meeting their husband's needs for sex
and recreational companionship
. Men, on the other hand, want their wives to meet their needs for sex fulfillment and recreational companionship, without meeting their wives needs for affection and conversation.
Neither strategy works very well. Women often resent having sex without affection and conversation first, and men resent being conversant and affectionate with no hope for sex or recreation. By combining the fulfillment of all four needs into a single event, however, both spouses have their needs met, and enjoy the entire time together. (of course he is "generally speaking" there)...
As for Amount
, he says:
How much time do you need to sustain the feeling of love for each other? Believe it or not, there really is an answer to this question, and it depends on the health of a marriage. If a couple is deeply in love with each other and find that their marital needs are being met, I have found that about 15 hours each week of undivided attention is usually enough to sustain their love.
When I apply the 15 hour principle to marriages, I usually recommend that the time be evenly distributed throughout the week, 2 to 3 hours each day. When time must be bunched up -- all hours only on the weekend -- good results are not as predictable. Spouses need to be emotionally reconnected almost on a daily basis to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
The reason I have so much difficulty getting couples to spend time alone together is that when I first see them for counseling, they are no longer in love... Their relationship does not do anything for them, and the time spent with each other seems like a total waste at first. But when they spend time together, they learn to re-create the romantic experiences that first nurtured their love relationship. Without that time, they have little hope of restoring the love they once had for each other.
To help them jump-start their relationship, I usually suggest 25 to 30 hours a week of undivided attention until they are both in love with each other again.
2 other articles he mentions... Not Enough Time Together #1
and Why Women Leave Men