I agree with the majority of his ideas as well. However I wish he had chosen some other word than independant along with the magnitude of the time required to feed a marriage is couple dependent not a universal.
Great posting @meson
I figured you do as I find I love many of your insightful postings.. we may be a little off on this one.. but that's expected...
I think craving your spouse is a property of a good marriage. Love is based upon a neural physical addiction so the craving is natural. That's what missing our spouse is about when the travel and away for a time. I often get this at the end of a regular day as well. The point is the amount of time required differs for many.
It is like a chemical addiction...Yes !
Of course this subject fascinates me, I have greatly enjoyed this book - Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love
by anthropologist Helen Fisher......she speaks of it being a CRAVING, a DRIVE more than an emotion even...there is special meaning, gives intense energy.. like a rush of cocaine..she speaks of all the hormones & how they interact with each other... I can't keep all of this straight... a snippet from pg 56 says:
You Tube : The brain in love - Helen Fisher
Nevertheless, he distinct correlation between numerous characteristics of romantic love & the effects of these 3 brain substances led me to the following hypothesis : this fire in the mind is caused by elevated levels of either dopamine or norepinephrine or both, as well as decreased levels of serotonin. These chemicals from the backbone of obsessive, passionate , Romantic love.
) speaks of the Madness of Romantic Love...parts of the brain, below the emotions even...there is a reward system.. heavily focused on 1 person, wanting, motivation, Craving, it's like a rush if cocaine , obsession..
) speaks of the pain of rejection , on an MRI scan.. it's the same region of the brain ...what a cruel thing.. the measuring we endure to what went wrong...(7:20
) about deep attachment , (8:30
) Romantic love is an addiction ... (13:30
) who chooses who to love.. based on personality types, ratio of hormones she feels there is "biology" to this....
This kind work being together while helping the other to achieve goals is cool! It brings the both of you together while allowing independent achievement.
It may have been an odd example but our most recent to share I suppose... I try to be helpful, active in anything related to maintaining our family...what needs done for a smooth running...all comes back to being a Team member.. there is no jealousy, only celebration , when he does well.. we all do well..
Nothing wrong here! You enjoy and need each others time almost exclusively. You both are growing. The house project, the certification test and kids. I think this is normal.
I hope we are normal.. the kids keep things entertaining for sure... always something going on.. if we had other outside hobbies.. I think things would be a little more stressful around here..
Our needs are just more of a non-intersecting type which we accommodate in a similar but slightly different way. There is more than one combination type to completely satisfying needs of both spouses.
I want to hear the differences in couples...as I recall your wife is a very intelligent woman with a very good career.. she sounds "very important" at work !
I encouraged a misunderstanding here. We were who we were at the start of the marriage and that's who we were for the years we knew each other before we dated. With the complication of kids, work and aging parents we gave up essential part of ourselves to the family. It was done out of time management necessity but it slowly changed us and me in particular to be unhappy moving towards bitter. Resentments took root. It wasn't until I withdrew and decided to work on myself that I noticed I had really given up being what I was and this was a person my wife didn't like.
What you describe here is probably very common... I think I am far less relateable since having kids was like a darn utopia for me ...I became more thankful , grateful and joyous with the more babies we had !! Even if I was a little too oblivious to how I could have given HIM a little more attention.. beings I am naturally somewhat clingy.. I wasn't too bad..even then!! ha ha
My seeking out my old interests improved me and reset me back to the man my wife fell in love with. So that's where I'm coming from about this. It's a bit of a nitpick but it made a difference in my marriage.
This is because YOU BECAME HAPPIER , finding yourself again.. some of your initial purpose & passion... getting back to climbing...
... this was part of it , right ?? With your renewed sense of self, your countenance changed.. the atmosphere in your home became better...and your attractiveness once again swooned.
I can probably relate to this.. when I couldn't have kids.. I was angry, frustrated, my husband would come home in a good mood wanting me.. a little bit frisky...and I pushed him away many times -being angry.... impatient.. I was too heavily focused on what I couldn't have.. I felt I was being cheated... when would God answer my cries...
I look back and think my husband was somewhat of a Saint to put up with me back then..he allowed me to cry on his shoulder... We need someone to see what's behind our pain .. he sympathized with me.. good thing he wanted kids too.. or he would not have been able to stand me !@# We had our 1st son there were great times too..
He waited it out, supported me through all the infertility testing-giving his sperm sample, exploratory surgery on me... and it all came to pass.. I think I can relate to you in this way... as I was out of sorts too during that time.. I felt lost, disillusioned...I wasn't who I wanted to be...I surely wasn't at my best !